Wedding Etiquette Forum

Inviting girlfriends/boyfriends?

Hello all,

I would like to know what the proper etiquette is in this situation.  Is it okay to not invite a person and not invite their girlfriend or boyfriend in some situations?

To give a bit more context, in case it's relevant:  We already have planned to invite all married/living together/long-term couples as a unit.  We have a significant number of young (17-25 year old) cousins and wonder whether we should be extending them all a +1.  All of them know lots of other people who will be at the wedding so it shouldn't be boring for them, regardless.

If neither me or nor my fiance have met the boyfriend/girlfriend (my rough litmus test for whether they're serious?), is it okay to just invite the cousin?

Of course, I want all my guests to have a great time and don't want to be rude.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
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Re: Inviting girlfriends/boyfriends?

  • Hello all,

    I would like to know what the proper etiquette is in this situation.  Is it okay to not invite a person and not invite their girlfriend or boyfriend in some situations?

    To give a bit more context, in case it's relevant:  We already have planned to invite all married/living together/long-term couples as a unit.  We have a significant number of young (17-25 year old) cousins and wonder whether we should be extending them all a +1.  All of them know lots of other people who will be at the wedding so it shouldn't be boring for them, regardless.

    If neither me or nor my fiance have met the boyfriend/girlfriend (my rough litmus test for whether they're serious?), is it okay to just invite the cousin?

    Of course, I want all my guests to have a great time and don't want to be rude.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
    What Jen said.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • The exception would usually be if they're 17 or under, and therefore not legally an adult. Then I think you could invite them as part of their parent's social unit (family), and you do not need to treat them and their gf/bf as a social unit.

    In this case, it sounds like only 1 or 2 of the very youngest would fit in that group, and it would make them feel so bad that they were the only ones without their bf/gf because of a pretty arbitrary legal adult designation. Don't do that to them. Invite all their gfs & bfs.
  • Alright, makes sense.  Thanks!
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited November 2015
    Yeah, any adult should have their significant other invited, regardless of whether you have met them or not, and regardless of how long they have been dating.

    To give you some examples to show why this IS important...

    Back when we were still bf/gf, DH moved away for university. He made a group of new friends there. 6 years later I moved to join him. Two of his friends got married the same summer I moved there (only 2 weeks later). They invited me to their wedding (I was invited before I had moved) even though I had never met either the bride or groom- the wedding was the first time. The group of friends DH made became my group of friends too, and we are all very close. This bride was part of the group who came dress shopping with me when I got married. DH and I have since moved back "home", but we stayed at this couples' house last month when we went back for a visit. Moral of the story- just because you've never met someone's SO before doesn't mean you know where the relationship will go- it could be something great. And if you are close enough to invite a person to your wedding, you are close enough to get to know their SO. 

    DH and I also started dating when we were in high school. We carried on a long-distance relationship from the time I was 18-24. We moved in together when I was 24, and finally got married when I was 26 (DH is a year older). So I would say we were pretty serious when we were 17-25 ;). I would be offended if I was not invited to a social event with DH because it was assumed we weren't very serious due to age. 
  • You need to invite the BF and GF. I would handle the teens on a case by case basis. My cousin is 17 and in a 2 year relationship. She's invited to our family events.
  • Ditto PPs, and just to clarify, significant others are not plus ones.  They are invited by name on the invitation as the SO of your primary guest (cousin, in this case).  A plus one would be any guest of the cousin's choosing, which would be given if the cousin did not have a SO but you wanted to allow them to bring a date (which is never required).  If your cousin considers themselves in a relationship, then you must invite their SO.  If any of your cousins are truly single, you do not need to give them a plus one unless you really want to.


  • I would talk to the parents before extending an invite to a 17 or under significant other. The parent might not want to be responsible for another minor, especially if it is out off town or requires overnight accommodations. My SIL told us not to invite her 17yo son's girlfriend. If we had just invited her, his nephew would have wanted to bring her and it would have caused strife among the family.

    18 and over are adults, invite the significant other, regardless of if you have met them or not.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • edited November 2015

    I would talk to the parents before extending an invite to a 17 or under significant other. The parent might not want to be responsible for another minor, especially if it is out off town or requires overnight accommodations. My SIL told us not to invite her 17yo son's girlfriend. If we had just invited her, his nephew would have wanted to bring her and it would have caused strife among the family.

    18 and over are adults, invite the significant other, regardless of if you have met them or not.

    What about a high schooler who is 18? Even right after high school, some 18yo's are still very dependent on their parents (and some parents just can't cut the embilical cord). My SO's family is full of young adults who have very strict parents; his favorite cousin was dating her ex-boyfriend for almost two full years from the time she was 19-21 and her parents never even met him because they were very adamant about her focusing on the school that they're paying for and not seriously dating until she graduated. We all know this is kinda extreme, but if she got a family wedding invite with him on it and showed up at the wedding with him, it would make for a VERY uncomfortable night with on-going consequences.

    I realize every family is different, but if you're inviting a high schooler who is 18 and you know the family dynamics are such that the only thing "adult" about him is his age, would it be better to run it by the parents first vs. going straight to the 18yo? My reasoning is that not all 18yo's have their own car yet so mom and dad would have to travel with the SO if he/she doesn't have transportation and they may not want to do that. Also many 18yos still have rules to follow if they're still living under their parents roof, and inviting an SO without the parents' consent might step on their toes. (This is why Fav Cousin now lives with her older brother lol)

    I'm thinking verbiage like "We'll be send Danny his own invite since he's 18 now! Do you know if he's dating anyone so I can put their name on the invite?" would be the best way to approach it. Does this sound reasonable?
  • I would talk to the parents before extending an invite to a 17 or under significant other. The parent might not want to be responsible for another minor, especially if it is out off town or requires overnight accommodations. My SIL told us not to invite her 17yo son's girlfriend. If we had just invited her, his nephew would have wanted to bring her and it would have caused strife among the family. 18 and over are adults, invite the significant other, regardless of if you have met them or not.
    What about a high schooler who is 18? Even right after high school, some 18yo's are still very dependent on their parents (and some parents just can't cut the embilical cord). My SO's family is full of young adults who have very strict parents; his favorite cousin was dating her ex-boyfriend for almost two full years from the time she was 19-21 and her parents never even met him because they were very adamant about her focusing on the school that they're paying for and not seriously dating until she graduated. We all know this is kinda extreme, but if she got a family wedding invite with him on it and showed up at the wedding with him, it would make for a VERY uncomfortable night with on-going consequences. I realize every family is different, but if you're inviting a high schooler who is 18 and you know the family dynamics are such that the only thing "adult" about him is his age, would it be better to run it by the parents first vs. going straight to the 18yo? My reasoning is that not all 18yo's have their own car yet so mom and dad would have to travel with the SO if he/she doesn't have transportation and they may not want to do that. Also many 18yos still have rules to follow if they're still living under their parents roof, and inviting an SO without the parents' consent might step on their toes. (This is why Fav Cousin now lives with her older brother lol) I'm thinking verbiage like "We'll be send Danny his own invite since he's 18 now! Do you know if he's dating anyone so I can put their name on the invite?" would be the best way to approach it. Does this sound reasonable?
    Personally, I think if parents refuse to allow their children to be adults (or at least do things most of their peers have been doing for years, like dating) by the time they're 18, that's terribly (unhealthily) controlling, and I wouldn't condone or enable it. The bolded, particularly, sounds like a very good strategy to alienate your young adult children. 

    I wouldn't ask the parent's permission for an 18 year old. They're an adult, and if they told me they were in a relationship, I would respect that. If the parent came to me with a problem with them getting their own invite with the SO, I would say "I'm sorry, but Danny's an adult, and he told us he was in a relationship. We invited all SOs of adults in relationships, which is why we invited Sally." 


  • Personally, I think if parents refuse to allow their children to be adults (or at least do things most of their peers have been doing for years, like dating) by the time they're 18, that's terribly (unhealthily) controlling, and I wouldn't condone or enable it. The bolded, particularly, sounds like a very good strategy to alienate your young adult children. 

    I wouldn't ask the parent's permission for an 18 year old. They're an adult, and if they told me they were in a relationship, I would respect that. If the parent came to me with a problem with them getting their own invite with the SO, I would say "I'm sorry, but Danny's an adult, and he told us he was in a relationship. We invited all SOs of adults in relationships, which is why we invited Sally." 

    Yeah, it's not like the 18 year old is wanting their BF/GF to spend the night at their house--it's just a date to a wedding!  I really don't get why any parent would refuse that.

    I would invite the SO of anyone 18 and up (high school or not)..  17 and younger, on a case by case basis.  H and I started dating right before I turned 16.  I was like part of the family and was invited to all family events.

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  • Thanks for the replies, I think I have to agree with the "adults get their own invites and they can sort out the family issues among themselves" approach.

    And yes, it is utterly ridiculous that Fav Cousin isn't "allowed" to date. That was a big part of the reason she moved out of her parent's house and is living with her older brother. Her older sister moved away to Chicago, met and dated her now-husband for SEVEN YEARS before bringing him home to meet her parents because he's white and they aren't. I do admit, those cousins are all extremely intelligent, successful, awesome people but their parents could run the military better than any Commander-In-Chief.
  • It's worth pointing out that a "plus one" is a different concept than "inviting the boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other". 

    Plus one: This applies to a truly single guest (meaning, if you ask them "can you tell me the name of the person you are dating right now" the answer is "No, there's no one in particular"). It's totally up to you, your budget, your space constraints, and your preferences if you invite single guests with a "plus one". This is NEVER an etiquette must. Although, if guests have to 1) travel to attend the wedding, or 2) won't know anyone else there, it's generally considered polite to invite them with a plus one. 

    Inviting the boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other: For guests over the age of 18, this is mandatory. The only potential exception would be if the person has personally threatened or engaged in violence on you or the other guests. It doesn't matter if they've been dating a minute or 40 years, if they live together or apart, or if they're engaged or married. If the person your inviting themselves believes they have a significant other, you must invite that person by name. Even if you've never met the person, or don't like the person. If you don't know the person's name, you find out by asking directly or asking another relative, etc.
  • I'll also add, because we do plan guest lists well in advance, that it's safest to budget every single primary guest as part of a couple.  That way, you don't scramble if someone enters into a relationship before your invites are sent. 
    For example, we planned our guest list about 14 months before the wedding. One of my best friends hadn't had a girlfriend in, oh, 8 or 9 years. He wasn't likely to bring a random date either; wasn't his style. But I budgeted for him to have someone there and good thing I did-- he got a girlfriend approximately 6 months before my wedding... and they're now married :)  It was nice to automatically have the space for her and not think, oh crap, I'm at my guest limit. 
    We did the same thing and I'm soooo glad we did! It ultimately didn't matter because we ended up booking a venue with a huge capacity and had enough in the budget to add some additional guests as needed. But our second choice for a venue had a MAX capacity of 150 guests, which was right around were our guest list was at the time we were looking at venues (about a year and a half before the wedding). By the time invites went out, we had about 10 single people who were now in relationships...if we had booked the 150-max venue, without taking this into account we would have been screwed. 
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