Inviting bosses/coworkers- how to go about this correctly?

KnickerGold · December 2015

I'll try to make this as simple as possible.

I live in Texas. I work in Texas.
My wedding is in NYC. I grew up in NYC.

I work for a global company, on a team of 8 people.

My direct boss is in NYC.
My former boss in Texas (in a different role at same company) is now my indirect boss, but based out of London now. (Direct boss and indirect boss have the same role, just different parts of the world).

I have one teammate in Texas. We work well enough together, but our personalities do not 'mesh' and his rude/condescending behavior is not fun for me. He also mentioned (on our global call) after someone asked where/when the wedding is, that NYC is the most expensive place to get married, and he would *never* get married there, what a waste of money it would be, etc. Great. Thanks. You mentioned that to me yesterday, thanks for bringing it up again in front of our whole team... He also mentioned that he doesn't see why NYC is such a great place and he would never want to go. (He said the same thing about Paris when the first report came in about the shootings...)
I've been really careful not to say anything voluntarily about the wedding in front of him-before and after his comments- because when direct boss was last in town she'd just gotten married and he was grilling her on what the 'return on investment' was for gifts vs. $/person at the reception. He's also engaged, and wanted to know 'if appearing to spend more on people would result in a better return for him'... Obviously direct boss had not calculated this figure and just said 'we were just happy to see everyone and celebrate our marriage!'

Furthermore, I've got one teammate in Germany I talk to daily, and have met in person. He is fabulous. But has 2 young kids. I don't expect he would attend, but would like to invite him, as I consider him one of my 'closest' coworkers, even though I haven't seen him in person in 3 years!

Then there are 2 teammates in London and 2 in Singapore I've never met. I will be going to the Singapore office for a few weeks about 5 months before the wedding, so will get to meet them.

So- who do I invite? (also, how do I get their addresses? ask them? isn't that weird??)

I'd like to invite, boss, indirect boss, german teammate (and their SOs). I'm not inviting anyone else from the Texas office (of about 400) AND since Texas teammate and I can't be off on the same day ever (even Christmas!) he couldn't come. But I still don't want to invite him... Would it be weird not to though? Since we're a team of 2?
If I invite indirect boss in London, do I have to invite the two teammates I've never met? What about those in Singapore?

Help!

OliveOilsMom · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

I'll try to make this as simple as possible.

I live in Texas. I work in Texas.
My wedding is in NYC. I grew up in NYC.

I work for a global company, on a team of 8 people.

My direct boss is in NYC.
My former boss in Texas (in a different role at same company) is now my indirect boss, but based out of London now. (Direct boss and indirect boss have the same role, just different parts of the world).

I have one teammate in Texas. We work well enough together, but our personalities do not 'mesh' and his rude/condescending behavior is not fun for me. He also mentioned (on our global call) after someone asked where/when the wedding is, that NYC is the most expensive place to get married, and he would *never* get married there, what a waste of money it would be, etc. Great. Thanks. You mentioned that to me yesterday, thanks for bringing it up again in front of our whole team... He also mentioned that he doesn't see why NYC is such a great place and he would never want to go. (He said the same thing about Paris when the first report came in about the shootings...)
I've been really careful not to say anything voluntarily about the wedding in front of him-before and after his comments- because when direct boss was last in town she'd just gotten married and he was grilling her on what the 'return on investment' was for gifts vs. $/person at the reception. He's also engaged, and wanted to know 'if appearing to spend more on people would result in a better return for him'... Obviously direct boss had not calculated this figure and just said 'we were just happy to see everyone and celebrate our marriage!'

Furthermore, I've got one teammate in Germany I talk to daily, and have met in person. He is fabulous. But has 2 young kids. I don't expect he would attend, but would like to invite him, as I consider him one of my 'closest' coworkers, even though I haven't seen him in person in 3 years!

Then there are 2 teammates in London and 2 in Singapore I've never met. I will be going to the Singapore office for a few weeks about 5 months before the wedding, so will get to meet them.

So- who do I invite? (also, how do I get their addresses? ask them? isn't that weird??)

I'd like to invite, boss, indirect boss, german teammate (and their SOs). I'm not inviting anyone else from the Texas office (of about 400) AND since Texas teammate and I can't be off on the same day ever (even Christmas!) he couldn't come. But I still don't want to invite him... Would it be weird not to though? Since we're a team of 2?
If I invite indirect boss in London, do I have to invite the two teammates I've never met? What about those in Singapore?

Help!

So the insufferable co-worker HAS to be at the office when you are not? Then that is an easy out! Don't invite him.

I would invite your boss, indirect boss, and German co-worker. You don't know the Singapore people at all, so inviting them to your wedding after you just met them might be a little weird. I'd even say the same thing for your German co-worker, but you seem very close, so that's why you should invite them.

You should ask for these people's home addresses. You can preface the request with the fact you intend to invite them to the wedding. But once you ask, you MUST invite them. It would be the same as a STD. Anyone who receives a STD, must also be invited to the wedding.

TNDancer · December 2015

I agree with PP to invite the three you know and like. My H had to obtain coworkers addresses. He just sent them an email saying he'd love to invite them to the wedding, and could they please provide their address and SO name.

KnickerGold · December 2015

OliveOilsMom said:
So the insufferable co-worker HAS to be at the office when you are not? Then that is an easy out! Don't invite him.
I would invite your boss, indirect boss, and German co-worker. You don't know the Singapore people at all, so inviting them to your wedding after you just met them might be a little weird. I'd even say the same thing for your German co-worker, but you seem very close, so that's why you should invite them.
You should ask for these people's home addresses. You can preface the request with the fact you intend to invite them to the wedding. But once you ask, you MUST invite them. It would be the same as a STD. Anyone who receives a STD, must also be invited to the wedding.

Ya, I mean my wedding is on a Saturday, at 4, but he'd need to fly in Saturday AM and out Sunday, since he couldn't be off work Fri/Mon as I've already taken those days off. So he *could* technically attend, but I doubt he would based on his comments regarding NY/travel/having to look nice/ etc...

But thanks, I will consider the german coworker (highly doubt he could/would attend, but there's room for him!) but will stick to the bosses for sure- thanks!

KnickerGold · December 2015

Easy enough- thank you!

And of course, I'd never ask for addresses/send save the dates without sending an invite- ever!

Jen4948 · December 2015

I would invite your direct boss, your indirect boss, and your German co-worker, even if he can't make it (You never know-maybe he can!) since these are people you know and like.

I don't think you're required to invite anyone else. You're certainly not required to invite the guy in Texas.

Ask the people you want to invite directly for their home addresses: "I'd like to invite you to my upcoming wedding. May I have your mailing address (and your SO's name if you don't already have it) so I can address the envelope correctly?"

KnickerGold · December 2015

Jen4948 said:

I would invite your direct boss, your indirect boss, and your German co-worker, even if he can't make it (You never know-maybe he can!) since these are people you know and like.

I don't think you're required to invite anyone else. You're certainly not required to invite the guy in Texas.

Ask the people you want to invite directly for their home addresses: "I'd like to invite you to my upcoming wedding. May I have your mailing address (and your SO's name if you don't already have it) so I can address the envelope correctly?"

Thanks, ya, I just wanted to be careful that not inviting him wouldn't be horribly frowned upon.
And easy enough to send an email, I thought that might be too impersonal not to call, but I'm a spaz on the phone soooo ya. Email it is!

jacques27 · December 2015

Agree with the previous posters, but also want to say you should probably refrain from any wedding talk during work hours regardless. Not just in front of the "insufferable" coworker, but just as a general rule. I'm actually perplexed why something like that would get asked/mentioned on a global work-related call. Keep all wedding talk out of the workplace other than discretely asking the three you're inviting. It's generally rude to discuss such a thing in front of people you're not inviting and your wedding isn't work-related. Discussing it on a lunch break with someone you're close to is one thing, but otherwise it's usually not a great idea.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

Jen4948 said:

I would invite your direct boss, your indirect boss, and your German co-worker, even if he can't make it (You never know-maybe he can!) since these are people you know and like.

I don't think you're required to invite anyone else. You're certainly not required to invite the guy in Texas.

Ask the people you want to invite directly for their home addresses: "I'd like to invite you to my upcoming wedding. May I have your mailing address (and your SO's name if you don't already have it) so I can address the envelope correctly?"

Thanks, ya, I just wanted to be careful that not inviting him wouldn't be horribly frowned upon.
And easy enough to send an email, I thought that might be too impersonal not to call, but I'm a spaz on the phone soooo ya. Email it is!

Not frowned upon at all. You should invite friends, people you like, family, not someone you happen to be forced to deal with for 8 hours every day. Even if you worked in a standard office where you had 30 team members who all worked in the same location, you'd still only have to invite the people you consider friends. Would you invite this person and his wife to your home for a meal? Would you invite that person and her boyfriend to a fancy-ish restaurant and pick up the bill? If you answered yes, those are your friends. If you answered no, those are just co-workers.

peachy13 · December 2015

I always give this advice when talking about inviting co-workers: wait. Wait until it's time to send out the invitations. That means not talking about your wedding in front of anyone, and not sending save the dates to anyone. An office is an ever-changing wind. Someone you're close to now may not be close to you come wedding time, or they might quit their job, you might quit your job, someone you don't know well might become a close confidant, etc.

When it comes close to the time to send out your wedding invitations, and you feel strongly about inviting some or all of your co-workers, then talk to them in person and let them know you're inviting them to your wedding (and if there are only a select number of co-workers invited, let them know that "I'm inviting you, John, and Susan to my wedding), ask for their address, and ask for their significant other's name if you don't know it.

If come invitation time you're still on the fence, I would just say don't invite them. There's no real obligation to.

KnickerGold · December 2015

jacques27 said:

Agree with the previous posters, but also want to say you should probably refrain from any wedding talk during work hours regardless. Not just in front of the "insufferable" coworker, but just as a general rule. I'm actually perplexed why something like that would get asked/mentioned on a global work-related call. Keep all wedding talk out of the workplace other than discretely asking the three you're inviting. It's generally rude to discuss such a thing in front of people you're not inviting and your wedding isn't work-related. Discussing it on a lunch break with someone you're close to is one thing, but otherwise it's usually not a great idea.

I don't talk about it at all. My boss brought up that I'd gotten engaged (she was in town the day after it happened and saw the ring, so brought it up a couple weeks later on our next call) so someone in London asked if I'd set the date/location, and I replied 'yes!' and then got the follow up of "ok, well, when and where??" So I told them.
I have no interest in talking about it, I already have to talk about it enough with my Mom! Plus, of the 15 people that sit near me, only 1 is a girl, so I keep my conversations sports-related 99% of the time haha

@peachy13 Won't be able to ask anyone in person (that's a lot of travel!) but of course will be waiting to invite people closer to the day. Although your point about others leaving is valid, so maybe I'll skip the save-the-dates and only send them invites? Is that acceptable? (The other way around is not of course!)

DKH · December 2015

agree as well

SP29 · December 2015

There is no requirement to inviting bosses or co-workers, so invite who you want, because you want them there.

Ask for their address in whichever way is your normal, but private correspondence. I would be sure to mail the invite to their home so you can keep business and personal separate.

STDs are never required. And they are best used for VIPs only. It is 100% OK to not send a STD but send an invite when they are ready to go out.

KnickerGold · December 2015

SP29 said:

STDs are never required. And they are best used for VIPs only. It is 100% OK to not send a STD but send an invite when they are ready to go out.

I figured as much, but knew you ladies would know best!

VicTim328 · December 2015

Invite him. It could be a great return on investment

KnickerGold · December 2015

VicTim328 said:

Invite him. It could be a great return on investment

Haha, highly unlikely. He asked everyone's opinion last year on whether or not getting his now-FI fake diamonds for Christmas would be ok. One coworker said 'why not just get smaller real diamonds?' his response 'I don't want to invest too much in her' - they'd be living together for a few years at that point too...

SP29 · December 2015

KnickerGold said:

VicTim328 said:

Invite him. It could be a great return on investment

Haha, highly unlikely. He asked everyone's opinion last year on whether or not getting his now-FI fake diamonds for Christmas would be ok. One coworker said 'why not just get smaller real diamonds?' his response 'I don't want to invest too much in her' - they'd be living together for a few years at that point too...

Ouuuuuch!

Inviting bosses/coworkers- how to go about this correctly?

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