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Registering and Gifts

Parents Gifts

So this is my first time posting on this website, be easy on me.

Im trying to figure out parents gifts and am running into an issue with my future in laws. They do not come from very much money (and that is perfectly ok!) and so chipping in for wedding has not even been a discussion. My fiance and I are footing the bill for the whole rehearsal dinner, my FMIL's dress for the wedding, my FFIL tux for the wedding, hotels and car rentals. The $$$$ are adding up. Because of this, I am having a hard time spending the same amount of money on my future in laws as I do with my parents that have really gone above and beyond for the wedding. What do I do???

I have a hard time talking about this with my fiance because he feels really bad for us having to cover costs for his parents.

Re: Parents Gifts

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    So this is my first time posting on this website, be easy on me.

    Im trying to figure out parents gifts and am running into an issue with my future in laws. They do not come from very much money (and that is perfectly ok!) and so chipping in for wedding has not even been a discussion. My fiance and I are footing the bill for the whole rehearsal dinner, my FMIL's dress for the wedding, my FFIL tux for the wedding, hotels and car rentals. The $$$$ are adding up. Because of this, I am having a hard time spending the same amount of money on my future in laws as I do with my parents that have really gone above and beyond for the wedding. What do I do???

    I have a hard time talking about this with my fiance because he feels really bad for us having to cover costs for his parents.
    So you want to punish your in-laws because they aren't in a position to give you money? That's pretty much what you're saying here. That they don't deserve nice gifts because you aren't benefiting from them. I think you're having a hard time talking to your FI about it because it's a shitty thing to think/do. 
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    spockforprez[Deleted User]CMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2015
    I can kind of, sort of see where you are coming from. My parents (esp my mom) are doing so much of the work of the wedding because it's at their home. I feel so incredibly grateful for them in a way that I don't feel for FH's parents. Not that I don't love or care about my FILs or that I think they're slacking or they're not doing "enough" - just that I could never thank my parents enough for everything they have done for us. It's hard to describe this feeling but I hope you see what I mean.

    Having said that, you don't seem to be coming from the same place, but rather a feeling of resentment from your FILs, whom you feel are mooching off of you guys. What's the alternative? Not have your FH's parents be a part of your day? Could you have a celebration that is more inclusive of his parents (doesn't require tux and gown rental/purchase)? Your money is going to spare them the embarrassment of not being able to be a part of their son's formal/fancy wedding, which is a pretty good cause IMO, seeing as it was your choice to have a wedding of that level of formality, not theirs.

    Gifts are not about money. Gifts are from the heart. The #'s do not have to be even. Give your FILs a gift that reflects your love for them and their honored status as your parents.
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited September 2015
    To be perfectly honest do you need to buy them something of equal value? I am a recent MOB. I have absolutely no idea what if anything my daughter and son-in-law gave his parents as a gift. I'm sure they have no idea what was given to my husband and myself. Personally I would have preferred a sincerely written note or a hug and a verbal thank you over what we were given. I felt very strange having them spend money on me. The thank you isn't for how much money that was spent it is for being your/his parents.

    Edited to add thoughts.
    CMGragain
  • I think the gift should be meaningful to each set of parents and that matters more than what you spend, whether that's $20 or $200. You shouldn't think of what they "deserve," but more how you want to show them how much you love and appreciate their role in both of your lives, especially raising and loving FI. This is the same as buying gifts for wedding party; if it's something you're requiring them to wear for the wedding (tux, gown) then it is not a gift. Treat it like a birthday.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So this is my first time posting on this website, be easy on me.

    Im trying to figure out parents gifts and am running into an issue with my future in laws. They do not come from very much money (and that is perfectly ok!) and so chipping in for wedding has not even been a discussion. My fiance and I are footing the bill for the whole rehearsal dinner, my FMIL's dress for the wedding, my FFIL tux for the wedding, hotels and car rentals. The $$$$ are adding up. Because of this, I am having a hard time spending the same amount of money on my future in laws as I do with my parents that have really gone above and beyond for the wedding. What do I do???

    I have a hard time talking about this with my fiance because he feels really bad for us having to cover costs for his parents.
    I am a MOB and MOG.  I never considered these "wedding" gifts to have any direct correlation between what we gifted/contributed to our son/daughter for their weddings.  My understanding is that these gifts are more typically a token of appreciation for the support and love given throughout the years as parents.  To that end, I can tell you that the long and heartfelt cards/notes presented were indeed the best of the gifts ever received.
    ShesSoColdCMGragain
  • Thank you very much everyone for the feedback! I in no way believe that they don't deserve the absolute best and know that they have raised the wonderful man that I am about to marry. We are just bleeding money already and was having a hard rationalizing an extravagant gift. 

    I have heard from several people that your gift to your parents should be comparable with the amount of money/effort they have put into the event which is why I was having such an issue. I would never want to give them our gifts and it be a noticeable difference.

    Thank you to those that gave me meaningful advice and didn't attack me immediately. I should have worded my initial thought better. 
    JediElizabeth
  • Thank you very much everyone for the feedback! I in no way believe that they don't deserve the absolute best and know that they have raised the wonderful man that I am about to marry. We are just bleeding money already and was having a hard rationalizing an extravagant gift. 

    I have heard from several people that your gift to your parents should be comparable with the amount of money/effort they have put into the event which is why I was having such an issue. I would never want to give them our gifts and it be a noticeable difference.

    Thank you to those that gave me meaningful advice and didn't attack me immediately. I should have worded my initial thought better. 
    Honestly this seems really strange to me... why would they give you a gift of money if they knew you were just going to give it back to them in a gift they didn't pick... I'd find it weird if I gave someone $1000 and they gave me back a thank you gift worth $1000.

    I agree with PP that the parent gifts are more thank yous for raising you and the support you've received not how much they've given to your wedding. While you don't have to spend the same amount on them I feel like it will feel crummy to your FI to give your parents say a $200 gift and his parents a $20 gift. 
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    CMGragain
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Thank you very much everyone for the feedback! I in no way believe that they don't deserve the absolute best and know that they have raised the wonderful man that I am about to marry. We are just bleeding money already and was having a hard rationalizing an extravagant gift. 

    I have heard from several people that your gift to your parents should be comparable with the amount of money/effort they have put into the event which is why I was having such an issue. I would never want to give them our gifts and it be a noticeable difference.

    Thank you to those that gave me meaningful advice and didn't attack me immediately. I should have worded my initial thought better. 
    I was always told parent gifts were to show your appreciation for raising you and supporting you all your life, not for financial contributions.  DH and I paid for our wedding ourselves and we still gave gifts to our parents. And gifts don't need to be equal between parents.  Just get something meaningful for each, regardless of price.

    image 

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Thank you very much everyone for the feedback! I in no way believe that they don't deserve the absolute best and know that they have raised the wonderful man that I am about to marry. We are just bleeding money already and was having a hard rationalizing an extravagant gift. 


    I have heard from several people that your gift to your parents should be comparable with the amount of money/effort they have put into the event which is why I was having such an issue. I would never want to give them our gifts and it be a noticeable difference.

    Thank you to those that gave me meaningful advice and didn't attack me immediately. I should have worded my initial thought better. 
    The bolded isn't true. Gifts to parents are optional to begin with, and they aren't reimbursement for paying for wedding costs any more than wedding gifts from guests are supposed to "cover their plates." So if you give gifts to your parents, how much each set is respectively contributing to your wedding shouldn't factor into what you give them. What their respective tastes and interests, as well as your own budget, should.

    I agree that there should be some parity between the values of the gifts, though, especially if you don't want there to be a noticeable difference. So I'd take your total parental gift budget, divide it by two, and with each half obtain a gift that is in keeping with their respective interests.
    [Deleted User]
  • We didn't gift H's parents anything.  I asked him if he wanted to and he said no.  They didn't contribute anything financially to the wedding, although both (they are divorced) gave us lovely gifts.  

    I gave my mom a necklace because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated to because she paid for a large portion of the wedding.  
    Married 9.12.15
    image
  • when I was showing the Mom's the budget tracker from another part of this website and they saw the parents gift listed they right away said they didnt want us to have to worry about that. essentially they said they know we're just starting out and don't want us to have to worry about funds because of that. They'd rather join us on the adventure along the way; currently we're thinking handwritten notes and making time to spend together focused on each other. ie father/daughter+ mother/son dance, moms and dads involved in the morning of and getting ready. not everything has to be focused on the $'s - your looking to build a life together and hopefully have both sides feel involved and loved.
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    CMGragain[Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2015
    The best gift I ever received was when my daughter hugged me after her wedding and said, "Thanks, Mom!  It was perfect!  I love you!"  Oh, she did give me a box of See's chocolate truffles, too!

    About your wedding costs - you decided to do this.  Why does your FFIL need a tuxedo?  Will all the male guests wear tuxedos?  Your FMIL could wear anything she liked.  Did YOU choose the gown?
    Honestly, your post comes off as very whiney and entitled.  Lots of couples pay for all of their own weddings, and they scale their plans to fit their budgets.  Extravagant gifts?  Why?  Isn't your love enough?
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