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Moms and Maids
alexotheus
member
Siblings in party?
I have 2 sisters & one brother. I definitely want sister #1 to be my maid of honor & was originally planning on my brother being a groomsmen & sister #2 being bridesmaid. however, I also have 4 other very, very close sorority sisters I want as bridesmaids. biological sister #2 & I are not close at all. I was her MOH 10 years ago when I was very young though. but I feel like it was simply because she didn't have anyone else. we are having a small wedding & I feel like if I have sister #2 in my party, it will be too much. & I really don't want to cut any of my sorority sisters from the list. sister #2 is very mean & stresses me out ALOT. my brother & I used to be very close but lately he has been very rude to me & also a stressor.. I am now considering not having either of them in the wedding. will I regret not having my other siblings in? do you think it will cause conflict if i have one and not the others?
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Re: Siblings in party?
If we're talking principle, your bridal party is really personal and should reflect the people you feel the closest to, period. And since she's mean to you, I wouldn't want to deal with that for the length of my engagement! But, if we're talking politics, your sister will presumably be in your life for many decades to come and the perceived slight will be hard for her (and possibly others) to ignore. You may weather a lot of criticism from your parents and other family members. This is a tough one!
IMO there isn't any difference between five bridesmaids and six bridesmaids for a small wedding, so I wouldn't use that as the excuse as it's pretty flimsy (sorry).
I would lean on the side of not having her. Maybe have her doing a reading, or if a religious ceremony, one of the ceremonial roles?
Whether you regret not having them, or whether it will cause conflict, really depends. Is there any possibility that in the future you'll become closer to either of the siblings you want to omit? Are there likely to be negative consequences to you or the sister you are including that arise out of omitting them?
Depending on how much time there is before your wedding, I would wait until six to eight months before your wedding before you make any final decision. If your wedding is already within that time frame, and you know for sure that nothing is going to improve between you and the siblings you want to exclude between now and your wedding, then you might as well not ask them.
If you already asked them, though, you can't unask them without risking your future relationships with them.
As far as your sister... this is really something you'll have to decide on your own because only you know your feelings and priorities.
We always tell people to select their nearest and dearest as bridesmaids. If you are not close and you think she's mean it's very understandable that you wouldn't ask her. But sometimes the desire to avoid family drama outweighs that.
Truth be told 6 bridesmaids is not really much different than 5. As all a bridesmaid needs to do is get the dress that's in the budget she set with you, show up on time for the ceremony, walk down the aisle, stand there, and maybe smile for pictures, you could conceivably have her in the wedding to sooth family tensions and not need to interact with her very much. If you don't talk to her much about the wedding, hopefully she won't cause you added stress.
You're totally within your right to just have your nearest and dearest in your wedding party. Years from now it will be great looking back at your wedding and remember sharing it with those closest to you. But you alone can decide if you think that outweighs any bad blood that could occur from omitting your sister.
1. If you have your brother, he stands on your side, not as a groomsman. You get to decide your party, your fiance gets to decide his. You don't get to dictate who stands up on his behalf. If your fiance is close enough to him to ask on his own and want him there, then fine, but if you want him in the party because he's your brother, then that's on your side.
2. Really, once you get past two or three, you can't really claim small party. Five or six isn't that big of a difference, so stop using what as your excuse. If you don't want her there in that role, that's perfectly fine.
Your FI chooses his groomsmen, not you.
Twenty years from now, your sisters will still be a part of your life. Your sorority sisters - probably not.
Relations do not always equal family. And family does not always equal relations.
As a MOG, here is what I told my son about having his brother as his best man..........
"There will come a day, when you will be standing over my grave. On that day who will be standing beside you? It won't be your friends........ it will be your brother. And if you expect to be of comfort or be comforted on that day, you need to share the good times with the bad or you won't be close enough for either and that's a sadness I can't bear. "
It wasn't up to you whether or not your son chose his brother as his best man. It was strictly up to him, and you needed to get over it if he wasn't going to choose your other son, not emotionally blackmail him and make him feel guilty about his choice by bringing up who was going to comfort him when you died. That was a really low thing for you to do.
Were my mother to say this to me or my brother, we would have told her that she could bury herself without our help.
Yeah... no. When my mom's mom died I was devastated. My father didn't even send an email. Whereas my best friend who is a monk and has limited phone privileges called me immediately upon finding out the news to find out how I was.
And my uncle (my grandmother's son, mom's brother), pretty much shut out my devastated mom because he had some other stuff going on. My mom found very little solace with her brother during her mom's death.
Blood ties are not a guarantee.
Also, no offense... but it isn't even the same thing. Your death (may it be long from now), will be about you. Odds are your sons both will be there.
Your son's wedding is not about you.
The people your son wants by his side on one of the happiest days of his life in no way need to be the same people who will be standing by him on one of the saddest.
Wow. Way to guilt trip and manipulate your children from beyond the grave before you're even in it. That takes skill.
Not all families are related by blood. You don't get to pick who you are related to by blood (or legalities you didn't choose). You don't get the luxury of determining whether the people you are related to by blood or law are nice people or people you even like or enjoy being around. Do people often mistake friendly with friendship? Sure, especially with social media making people more "connected" but not necessarily bonded. But sometimes friends are family and sometimes they are more family than the people you are related to by blood or law. It's unfair to force a bond that just isn't there based on genetics and it's especially unfair to guilt people into it.
While both were in attendance at my Nannie's funeral, it was not each other they took solace in.
Being blood does not mean you deserve to be in my life. Frankly, if I got that kind of manipulation from you on a regular basis (which, pretty sure you do to your poor kids based on your post), you wouldn't be in my life much longer. Life is too short to deal with petty manipulators. Being a blood relative doesn't give you the excuse to treat me like shit.
The internet is not for you.
Boxes
A) it wasn't attacking
No matter how good their intentions were, they were at best completely misguided and a complete guilt trip.
Some of us have very legitimate reasons for not being close with everyone in our families, or even just not being close with immediate family that you would think we would be.
For those of you who are close with everyone in your family, good for you. But please stop trying to force that concept onto the rest of us.
I'm fortunate. My family is close, and while there's occasional, minor drama, we generally get along well and enjoy each other's company. DH's family is a mixed bag: he's closer to some siblings than others, and not really close to BIL at all. When his mother passed away a few years ago, BIL (half-brother on his dad's side, so no relation to MIL) never called or even sent a text/FB message/anything. His best friend (who was the best man in our wedding) was great, and really supportive. Sent flowers to the funeral, called DH to check up on him, that kind of thing. When the situation was reversed a couple of years later, DH was that guy for BM.
Not everyone is blessed with a supportive family. Not everyone is close to their siblings. My guess is that @wackall wanted her son to choose his brother for the sake of appearances more than anything.