Moms and Maids

Siblings in party?

alexotheusalexotheus member
edited November 2015 in Moms and Maids
I have 2 sisters & one brother. I definitely want sister #1 to be my maid of honor & was originally planning on my brother being a groomsmen & sister #2 being bridesmaid. however, I also have 4 other very, very close sorority sisters I want as bridesmaids. biological sister #2 & I are not close at all. I was her MOH 10 years ago when I was very young though. but I feel like it was simply because she didn't have anyone else. we are having a small wedding & I feel like if I have sister #2 in my party, it will be too much. & I really don't want to cut any of my sorority sisters from the list. sister #2 is very mean & stresses me out ALOT. my brother & I used to be very close but lately he has been very rude to me & also a stressor.. I am now considering not having either of them in the wedding. will I regret not having my other siblings in? do you think it will cause conflict if i have one and not the others?
KnotRiley

Re: Siblings in party?

  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I definitely think it will send a strong message if you have one sister and several sorority sisters, but not your 2nd sister. Whether or not you would want to send that message is up to you. As far as your brother goes, I don't think that would cause quite as much of a ripple, as "traditionally" he would stand on the groom's side anyway so people would be much more understanding of that.

    If we're talking principle, your bridal party is really personal and should reflect the people you feel the closest to, period. And since she's mean to you, I wouldn't want to deal with that for the length of my engagement! But, if we're talking politics, your sister will presumably be in your life for many decades to come and the perceived slight will be hard for her (and possibly others) to ignore. You may weather a lot of criticism from your parents and other family members. This is a tough one!

    IMO there isn't any difference between five bridesmaids and six bridesmaids for a small wedding, so I wouldn't use that as the excuse as it's pretty flimsy (sorry).

    I would lean on the side of not having her. Maybe have her doing a reading, or if a religious ceremony, one of the ceremonial roles?
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited November 2015

    I have 2 sisters & one brother. I definitely want sister #1 to be my maid of honor & was originally planning on my brother being a groomsmen & sister #2 being bridesmaid. however, I also have 4 other very, very close sorority sisters I want as bridesmaids. biological sister #2 & I are not close at all. I was her MOH 10 years ago when I was very young though. but I feel like it was simply because she didn't have anyone else. we are having a small wedding & I feel like if I have sister #2 in my party, it will be too much. & I really don't want to cut any of my sorority sisters from the list. sister #2 is very mean & stresses me out ALOT. my brother & I used to be very close but lately he has been very rude to me & also a stressor.. I am now considering not having either of them in the wedding. will I regret not having my other siblings in? do you think it will cause conflict if i have one and not the others?

    It's strictly up to you whether or not your siblings are in your wedding party.

    Whether you regret not having them, or whether it will cause conflict, really depends. Is there any possibility that in the future you'll become closer to either of the siblings you want to omit? Are there likely to be negative consequences to you or the sister you are including that arise out of omitting them?

    Depending on how much time there is before your wedding, I would wait until six to eight months before your wedding before you make any final decision. If your wedding is already within that time frame, and you know for sure that nothing is going to improve between you and the siblings you want to exclude between now and your wedding, then you might as well not ask them.

    If you already asked them, though, you can't unask them without risking your future relationships with them.
    SP29Knottie1448825336
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited November 2015
    The groomsmen are up to your fiance, so whether your brother is a groomsman is really his call, not yours, so that's something you should discuss with him (you could decide if you wanted him to be a bridesman that stands on your side though).

    As far as your sister... this is really something you'll have to decide on your own because only you know your feelings and priorities.
    We always tell people to select their nearest and dearest as bridesmaids. If you are not close and you think she's mean it's very understandable that you wouldn't ask her. But sometimes the desire to avoid family drama outweighs that.
    Truth be told 6 bridesmaids is not really much different than 5. As all a bridesmaid needs to do is get the dress that's in the budget she set with you, show up on time for the ceremony, walk down the aisle, stand there, and maybe smile for pictures, you could conceivably have her in the wedding to sooth family tensions and not need to interact with her very much. If you don't talk to her much about the wedding, hopefully she won't cause you added stress.

    You're totally within your right to just have your nearest and dearest in your wedding party. Years from now it will be great looking back at your wedding and remember sharing it with those closest to you. But you alone can decide if you think that outweighs any bad blood that could occur from omitting your sister.
  • Really, only you know the dynamics and whether it is important enough for you to have them in your party. There is no rule that all siblings have to be in the wedding party. That said...

    1. If you have your brother, he stands on your side, not as a groomsman. You get to decide your party, your fiance gets to decide his. You don't get to dictate who stands up on his behalf. If your fiance is close enough to him to ask on his own and want him there, then fine, but if you want him in the party because he's your brother, then that's on your side.

    2. Really, once you get past two or three, you can't really claim small party. Five or six isn't that big of a difference, so stop using what as your excuse. If you don't want her there in that role, that's perfectly fine.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    This is a no-brainer. Don't have people in your wedding party with whom you aren't close.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2015
    I have 2 sisters & one brother. I definitely want sister #1 to be my maid of honor & was originally planning on my brother being a groomsmen & sister #2 being bridesmaid. however, I also have 4 other very, very close sorority sisters I want as bridesmaids. biological sister #2 & I are not close at all. I was her MOH 10 years ago when I was very young though. but I feel like it was simply because she didn't have anyone else. we are having a small wedding & I feel like if I have sister #2 in my party, it will be too much. & I really don't want to cut any of my sorority sisters from the list. sister #2 is very mean & stresses me out ALOT. my brother & I used to be very close but lately he has been very rude to me & also a stressor.. I am now considering not having either of them in the wedding. will I regret not having my other siblings in? do you think it will cause conflict if i have one and not the others?
    Five bridesmaids vs. six?  This is NOT a small wedding party.  I don't see the big deal.
    Your FI chooses his groomsmen, not you.
    Twenty years from now, your sisters will still be a part of your life.  Your sorority sisters - probably not.
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  • Let's imagine twenty years from now you have a life altering tragedy.  Who do you believe will step up and support you.  If you don't see your sister or brother (or sorority sisters) in that bunch then you don't need to have them standing up for you now.


  • You should only have people in your wedding party that you are close to and will be there to support you in a positive way on your wedding day.
    SP29Jen4948Username100108
  • As a MOG, here is what I told my son about having his brother as his best man..........

    "There will come a day, when you will be standing over my grave.  On that day who will be standing beside you?  It won't be your friends........ it will be your brother.   And if you expect to be of comfort or be comforted on that day, you need to share the good times with the bad or you won't be close enough for either and that's a sadness I can't bear. "

    STARMOON44
  • Yeah my mom and her brother have always lived in the same city. My mom did have her brother in the WP. They are not close. In fact there have been some big spats between them. In general they were closer when all of us kids were well, kids, but that was for us, not because they held some sort of relationship. And it was usually my mom communicating with her SIL. At this point in time, there are no hard feelings, no spat that drove them apart, they just don't talk because they aren't close (never have been) and don't have much in common. 

    While both were in attendance at my Nannie's funeral, it was not each other they took solace in. 
    Jen4948[Deleted User]Heffalump
  • Wow, and I thought my mum knew how to guilt trip! What an awful thing to basically boast about like it was a pearl of wisdom.
                 
    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]Heffalump
  • ^^^^here they all go... Attacking people for trying to be helpful again. Always the same posters
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  • ^^^^here they all go... Attacking people for trying to be helpful again. Always the same posters


    Boxes


    A) it wasn't attacking
    B) that poster was anything but helpful!

    No matter how good their intentions were, they were at best completely misguided and a complete guilt trip.
    Jen4948Heffalump
  • ^^^^here they all go... Attacking people for trying to be helpful again. Always the same posters

    Who are you even talking talking to that requires using 3rd person instead of 2nd?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieCake said:

    It always chaps my ass whenever someone comes along with "But family!  But family!" Not everyone is close with his or her family, and to suggest that anyone should or has to do anything "because family" is coming from a limited viewpoint on the world. "But your family will always be there!" Maybe they will be, and maybe not. 

    Some of us have very legitimate reasons for not being close with everyone in our families, or even just not being close with immediate family that you would think we would be. 

    For those of you who are close with everyone in your family, good for you. But please stop trying to force that concept onto the rest of us. 

    Sadly, the persons who do that either have no empathy or assume everyone's family situation is as happy as their own. It never occurs to them that 1) it's not always true and 2) it's not up to them who is in someone else's wedding party.
    AddieCake
  • VicTim328 said:
    If your son was wise, he would have answered his wife would be there with him....
    Yes.  At my grandpa's funeral, my dad's comforts were his wife, his daughters, his nephews, and, yes, one brother.  But not his asshole sisters.  They were comforting each other and grandma, but not my dad.  
  • ^^^^here they all go... Attacking people for trying to be helpful again. Always the same posters
    Interesting that you took the side of the passive-aggressive guilt tripping mother, rather than all the people who said that was manipulative, boundary-violating BS.  If that's "trying to be helpful" then she can just stop trying, as far as I'm concerned.  

    I'm fortunate.  My family is close, and while there's occasional, minor drama, we generally get along well and enjoy each other's company.  DH's family is a mixed bag:  he's closer to some siblings than others, and not really close to BIL at all.  When his mother passed away a few years ago, BIL (half-brother on his dad's side, so no relation to MIL) never called or even sent a text/FB message/anything.  His best friend (who was the best man in our wedding) was great, and really supportive.  Sent flowers to the funeral, called DH to check up on him, that kind of thing.  When the situation was reversed a couple of years later, DH was that guy for BM.

    Not everyone is blessed with a supportive family.  Not everyone is close to their siblings.  My guess is that @wackall wanted her son to choose his brother for the sake of appearances more than anything. 

    OliveOilsMom
  • wackall said:

    As a MOG, here is what I told my son about having his brother as his best man..........

    "There will come a day, when you will be standing over my grave.  On that day who will be standing beside you?  It won't be your friends........ it will be your brother.   And if you expect to be of comfort or be comforted on that day, you need to share the good times with the bad or you won't be close enough for either and that's a sadness I can't bear. "

    Bullshit.

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