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Registering and Gifts

Registering Again...

So, I have been married before. I have had a wedding and a wedding shower, the marriage didn't last long, not getting into detail but obviously something happened that led to it being over very quickly(divorced within a year). I have recently gotten engaged to a man I wish I waited for, but everything happens for a reason!

Anyways, to the point, we will be getting married in a Church, having a reception, and doing the registering thing. What is the etiquette? This time around my guest list is short, more immediate family and friends, no one really "extended" like last time. We are going to have a shower, he has a big family who wants it for us. So I didn't know if it should just be his side that gets invited to the shower, and people from my side that weren't at my first? Do I re-invite people again and make it clear NOT to bring a gift, that I just require the presence of their company? I never thought I'd be the one in this position but I am... so ANY advice would help!


Thanks!

Re: Registering Again...

  • So, I have been married before. I have had a wedding and a wedding shower, the marriage didn't last long, not getting into detail but obviously something happened that led to it being over very quickly(divorced within a year). I have recently gotten engaged to a man I wish I waited for, but everything happens for a reason!

    Anyways, to the point, we will be getting married in a Church, having a reception, and doing the registering thing. What is the etiquette? This time around my guest list is short, more immediate family and friends, no one really "extended" like last time. We are going to have a shower, he has a big family who wants it for us. So I didn't know if it should just be his side that gets invited to the shower, and people from my side that weren't at my first? Do I re-invite people again and make it clear NOT to bring a gift, that I just require the presence of their company? I never thought I'd be the one in this position but I am... so ANY advice would help!


    Thanks!

    First, you can't REQUIRE the presence of anybody's company.  An invitation is not a subpoena, so they can say no for any reason or no reason at all.

    Second, you can't throw your own shower.  If your FI's family wants to throw you a shower, you ask them how many people they can host.  Then you give them the guest list mostly consisting of your FI's side and your closest friends and family.

    A shower is a gift-giving event, so you don't tell people not to bring gifts.  I"m sure the people who know and love you best are happy you found the right guy and would be delighted to show their happiness with a gift.  Or they'll decline the invitation.
    Heffalump
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't side-eye registries and showers for second marriages. I would just ensure that what you register for is really what you need. Maybe in your prior divorce, you got the plates but he got the nice wine glasses, or whatever. Maybe you got the toaster and he got the blender. Now, with your new fiance, what do you both need or really want? 
    My husband was married prior to me. We registered for very little, but got more stuff for entertaining- place mats, linen napkins, serving platters, wine glasses, that kind of thing. We upgraded our respective old crappy toasters to a much nicer one. 
    I declined a shower, but even if I'd had one, it would have been very small- very closest friends, very closest family. (We had a smaller wedding anyway.)

    If someone offers you a shower, I'd just keep the guest list intimate. 
    ________________________________


    Knottie1448379830tigerlily6
  • So, I have been married before. I have had a wedding and a wedding shower, the marriage didn't last long, not getting into detail but obviously something happened that led to it being over very quickly(divorced within a year). I have recently gotten engaged to a man I wish I waited for, but everything happens for a reason!

    Anyways, to the point, we will be getting married in a Church, having a reception, and doing the registering thing. What is the etiquette? This time around my guest list is short, more immediate family and friends, no one really "extended" like last time. We are going to have a shower, he has a big family who wants it for us. So I didn't know if it should just be his side that gets invited to the shower, and people from my side that weren't at my first? Do I re-invite people again and make it clear NOT to bring a gift, that I just require the presence of their company? I never thought I'd be the one in this position but I am... so ANY advice would help!


    Thanks!

    You probably already know this, but since it wasn't clear from your post, anyone invited to any pre-wedding parties (including your shower) must be invited to the wedding.  I saw "short guest list" "big family" and "people that weren't at my first" and my spider sense tingled a little. 

    Also, everything that @adk19 said above.
    lnixon8[Deleted User]poodledoodleooo
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I just got married for the second time. I got married in my 20s ten years ago, and had the big wedding, where I registered for gifts and had a bridal shower. Personally, I did not feel comfortable registering again and having a shower. It didn't matter to me that it was now H's first wedding. I just felt it was gift grabby to register for my second wedding. We also didn't need anything - we were 34 and 41 on our wedding day. We have enough stuff between the two of us. 

    However, I recently attended a third wedding for a friend. I went to her shower and gave a gift. I didn't feel put out and was happy to celebrate her upcoming marriage. So, I don't mind it for other people. But for myself, I was not comfortable with it. 

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Traditional etiquette says you don't have showers for the second wedding, just like you don't have a baby shower for the second kid. I think that rule has relaxed a little along with MOB shower throwing, but I'd personally still be very uncomfortable with it.

    If someone on your FI's side offers to throw a shower, it's fine to accept, but I would try to keep most of the guest list focused on his side. Maybe only invite your mom, sisters and BMs from your side. 

    The whole purpose of a shower is to give gifts, so you can't tell people not to bring a gift. If you really don't want gifts, ask the offering hostess if she'd consider throwing a tea or luncheon instead so that you can have the social event without the gifts. 
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