Moms and Maids

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edited November 2015 in Moms and Maids
just forget about this post, Im sorry.

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  • Hey, I just need a sounding board right now, even though my wedding is not until March 2017.  :|

    My mom has been very supportive through FI and my engagement, but I've always known she has a domineering personality. I am the opposite, I'm more passive, shy and timid (but I'm trying not to be). For the most part she supports my wedding decisions but sometimes when we disagree she says "I should have a say in some of it because I'm paying for most of it". I know she's paying for a lot of it, but so far FI paid for the 1st deposit for our reception (the 2nd and 3rd deposits are not even due until January and March 2017), so I know I should let her have some input but I am worried that she is going to completely take over. I am in the process of finding a job (I had a graphic design job for 2 and a half weeks but it didn't work out, so I am looking for a new job right now even if it's not a graphic design one)

    One of my bridesmaids is one of my closest friends since high school (she's also helping me get a job in the state, so I'm really thankful for that). She is really happy for me, but she also sometimes criticizes the ideas I have for my wedding, like she doesn't like some of the wedding dresses I choose, or doesn't like the color dresses I want for the bridesmaids. I say that the bridal party can have whatever shoes, hair or makeup they want as long as the shoes are gold but she says no we all have to look similar. I showed her a picture of my cousin's wedding in 2007 (I was a bridesmaid) to let her see that even if we all had the same dress, our hair and makeup were different. Idk I know she's been obsessed with planning her own wedding and wanting her boyfriend to propose but he finds all these excuses (and I don't think they should get married because he does treat her like crap), but she does talk about what her vision for her own wedding would be. When I told FI about how she didn't like a lot of the dresses I chose, he said that well we have completely different styles so of course there's gonna be disagreement.

    Anyway, FI has been so supportive and helping me out. He only has a few requests: a custom Lego cake topper and our reception entrance to be similar of The Undertaker's entrance in WWE. I was eating out with my mom and bridesmaid last night, and I was showing her my wedding board on Pinterest, and she liked a lot of my flowers for the most part, but then there was a pin of a Lego cake topper so when I told them about my idea, they just wouldn't have it. They were saying it's so stupid and tacky, why are we going to spend $30k on this wedding just to have a Lego cake topper, why am I going with everything that FI wants (keep in mind these are his only 2 requests), if we really want the Lego cake topper we should just put it on the table next to the cake and not on top. My bridesmaid said I have to keep it classy. I was really hurt. And of course my mom pulls the "I should be able to have a say in this". But eventually she came around and understood that he only really wanted this request and was like,"alright, we can give him his Lego cake topper". Keep in mind, FI has always said that he will pay for the cake and the topper. 

    So I called him and told him about it and said that we will still have the Lego cake topper regardless and he said that he wanted it because it invokes some of our personality in the wedding. Yeah we're having the ceremony at a church and the reception in a 4-star hotel ballroom, but we also want to have some personal touches too. Idk, I feel like my mom thinks it will look dumb to her friends and our relatives. I've been a bridesmaid at both of my cousin's weddings in Canada (but they are on my late dad's side) and they've all been really grandiose and nice. But FI thought my cousin's wedding in 2012 was kinda generic (hey everyone has different tastes), so that's why he wants to give our weddings unique touches that reflect our personalities, even though it is gonna be pretty grandiose too.

    I know that rule of whoever pays has to have some control, which is why I have been frantically job hunting so I can pay a good amount for the wedding along with my bills and student loans. And FI has been so supportive, he has a full-time job, and he wants to be able to pay for a lot of it too. Since I majored in graphic design, I am designing the save the dates and invitations too as a way for our creativity to shine and to save money, and I'll be paying for that portion.

    Sorry ladies, I just wanted to vent somehow. I'm so thankful that FI has been with me every step of the way.
    OK, you are saying that you are unhappy because your mother and your bridesmaids don't like some of your ideas.  Mom is paying big bucks for your big wedding.  Get over it.
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    InLoveInQueens
  • I mean of course I will take their ideas into consideration, and I want them to feel comfortable and happy too. Sorry I didn't mean it like I completely disagree with everything they say, because they do have good ideas, I just want them to hear my ideas too. I want to be able to work will all of them in a cordial manner.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2015
    It sounds like most of the drama is over the Lego cake topper.  Your guests won't care about that.
    I would suggest that you have a groom's cake with a lego theme.  My daughter had a groom's cake with a Dungeons and Dragons book pictured on the top.  No biggie.  The main wedding cake was classic and simple.

    You can't delete your post.  You were quoted, and it is there for all to see.  Changing your title is going to attract a lot of attention to your post, now.  I would advise you to change it back the way you posted it.
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  • She who pays says. If your mother pays for the majority of the wedding she gets a majority of the say in it. I would either postpone until you can pay more, downsize the plan so you don't need her money, or just pick the few things that are most important to you than anything in the wedding planning, present them to your mother, and if she's ok with them, accept that she likely has final say on most everything else.

    As far as your bridesmaid is concerned... maybe stop talking to her about as much wedding stuff. If you're just getting negative feedback, leave her out of it. Stop showing her wedding dresses.
    Unless her feedback on bridesmaid dress color is legitimate (like it's something that might really clash with a maid's hair or skin tone), just pick a color and tell them this is what it is (assuming if you've picked out a specific dress, it's within their budgets that you hopefully asked them for prior to picking out dresses).

    FWIW, your idea of letting the bridesmaids wear their hair and makeup however they want sounds very reasonable. Different women look better with certain hair and makeup styles and if everyone is a clone it might not look as good (and can be downright creepy).

    I have to wonder about the gold shoe though. That's definitely a color shoe not everyone has and depending on the time of year may be hard to find. If you're dead set on gold, it might be really nice to offer to pay for them for anyone that has to buy new ones.
    CMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I mean of course I will take their ideas into consideration, and I want them to feel comfortable and happy too. Sorry I didn't mean it like I completely disagree with everything they say, because they do have good ideas, I just want them to hear my ideas too. I want to be able to work will all of them in a cordial manner.
    Thanks for quoting CMGragain!

    OP - You said your mom is paying, but has she paid anything yet?  If she has not, then you and your FI should totally pay for your wedding yourself.  If you pay 100% then you get 100% say in the wedding.  But as soon as others start paying for stuff, they get a say in how their money is spent. 

    Some of these smaller details, like the Lego cake topper, are things that you don't need to tell your mom about, especially if you know she will say bad things and not like them.  We had a Church wedding and sit down dinner reception afterwards.  We still had little peg dolls painted to look like us, with my H's doll having a Phillies shirt painted on.  They were adorable and we got lots of compliments on them.  

    As for your BM, just stop talking about the wedding with her.  You know she has a different style than you.  Just inform her of decisions when you have finalized your decisions.  Your wedding is still so far away. I would wait until fall of next year before you talk about BM dresses.  Then just inform them of the dress and your BMs can order it, just make sure the dress fits into each BMs budget that you asked for privately prior to picking out the dress.  As for shoes, gold shoes are very specific.  You should either pay for the gold shoes or tell your BMs any shoe in a more neutral color than gold.
    CMGragainInLoveInQueens
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I agree that you should stop sharing details they don't need to hear about. That will cut back on the negative feedback. Since your mom is paying, she definitely gets to have input overall, though, especially on bigger aspects of the wedding. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    SP29
  • Your mom does have a say if she is paying, but she can't pull that string on every detail. If/when she offers money, have a frank discussion about her expectations. I assume you have a guest list finalized since you seem to have booked your venues? If you worry she would completely take over, politely decline her offer and you & your FI can go ahead planning (and paying for) the wedding you want.

    Your bridesmaids' budgets must be learned before you start selecting dresses. Their comfort level with the cut should be taken into consideration too, but disliking the style or colour is just something your friend will have to get over. If it becomes a struggle, it might be simplest to have your BMs pick their own dresses within certain guidelines (eg. knee-length purple silk) rather than choosing specific dresses for them.
    You are right that shoes, hair, and makeup do not need to be the same. If you do request that, you should pay for it. She says "we all have to look similar" and that will be achieved by all of them wearing the same colour and standing in the same spot at the ceremony.
    OliveOilsMomSP29collegechic
  • @mrspadilla2017- I wish you'd come back. I think you could learn a lot from these boards. I also don't think you should have run off....

    I'm feeling for you here. I think your mom and your BM are being pretty insensitive to you. Yes, she who pays gets a say- and $30K is VERY generous, but there are some things that are not up for debate. 

    A Lego cake topper is not rude to your guests and who will care? If that is important to your fiance, then I think you should do it. Your mom may say, "I'm not paying for that"- which is her prerogative, but she cannot say, "It's not happening!!" if you and FI pay for it. Your mother will have a big say in the venue choice, guest list, and items served at the reception (bar, menu, etc). Did she offer you a lump sum or offer to pay for certain items? If it is certain items (i.e. flowers, DJ), then let her have control of that (and realize she will). If she is paying for the majority of the wedding with a lump sum, she is going to have opinions on all of it. 

    Likewise to your friend- she is overstepping her bounds here. Really, besides giving you a dress budget and picking a dress she is comfortable with, she has no say in what happens with your wedding. I get she is your friend and you want to share ideas with her, and while she may have some good advice, that doesn't give her the right to trump your ideas. She particularly does not have the right to tell YOU what wedding dress YOU will wear. 

    As for the wedding party- the only thing they are responsible for is paying for a agreed upon dress or suit in a previously given (by the WP person) budget. If you request anything else specific- you must pay for it. Otherwise, it is up to the BM if she wants hair and make up done (if she does, she pays), and what jewelry or shoes she wears. Your BMs do not have to match, in fact most here would encourage the opposite. This isn't something your friend should be dictating for others. 

    Honestly, I would really consider not accepting your mother's money. Postpone the wedding date, set a new budget that solely you and your FI can afford with a guest list and you and your FI TRULY want. 
    Jen4948collegechic
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2015
    Never mind.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MegEn1 ... your sig pic is AMAZING!  LOVE IT!
    SP29
  • MegEn1 ... your sig pic is AMAZING!  LOVE IT!
    Oh thank you! Our photog was amazing and we're due for the rest of the photos any day now. I CANNOT WAIT! 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • particuliersylpheparticuliersylphe My heart belongs to Baltimore. member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    MegEn1 said:
    FWIW we had a custom lego cake topper. Our wedding was in a historical ballroom with giant murals of 19th century Baltimore. So H got legos and a frigate for our cake topper. I was surprised at how classy it actually looked with the blue cake and the 'pearls'! 



    ****Boxxxxxx***
    1. I Love you cake!
    2. I love your picture!
    3. To the bold, was your wedding in Baltimore?? The venue looks pretty and I am curious where it was...
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  • MegEn1 said:
    FWIW we had a custom lego cake topper. Our wedding was in a historical ballroom with giant murals of 19th century Baltimore. So H got legos and a frigate for our cake topper. I was surprised at how classy it actually looked with the blue cake and the 'pearls'! 



    ****Boxxxxxx***
    1. I Love you cake!
    2. I love your picture!
    3. To the bold, was your wedding in Baltimore?? The venue looks pretty and I am curious where it was...
    THANK YOU! Yes, the wedding was in Baltimore at the 1840s Ballroom. One of the Ballrooms, the top floor one, has all these big murals of 19th century Baltimore. The other two lower ballrooms are Hollywood themed with different sections to look like a 1920s jazz place, another section like an old diner, the bar like an old western, etc. 

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    SP29
  • particuliersylpheparticuliersylphe My heart belongs to Baltimore. member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    MegEn1 I thought so, but I didn't want to assume! I looked at it online when looking at venues, it's so lovely! 
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