Keeping my cool (a story of failure) - Or, why not to send out save-the-dates before the holidays.

Re: Keeping my cool (a story of failure) - Or, why not to send out save-the-dates before the holidays.

• poodledoodleooo member

  

  December 2015 edited December 2015

  
  
  ETA: Unless you already sent them an STD. Then you should definitely still invite them. But the drama-causing jerks that didn't get an STD? No need to invite!
  

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• banana468 member

  

  December 2015

  The other side of the banana peel would send an invitation to that uncle with some non-complimentary name on the envelope.   Then I'd tell him it was a compliment to call him a jackass. 
  
  
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  December 2015

  bizzy592 said:

  Save-the-dates went out for our June wedding last week, and spent this weekend with one side of my extended family, in my personal hell.
  
  Let's start at the very beginning - a very good place to start (damn you Sound of Music sing-along).
  
  I've discussed my mother on here previously. She's a highly toxic person (combo of bi-polar and NPD). Well, what I haven't mentioned, is that while her siblings may not have the full diagnosis, none is far off. It's manifested differently in each, but common traits include emotional manipulation, a deep inability to be content, chaos addiction, and a deliberate rejection of manners (while still being easily offended by others).
  
  Without going into the full, horrible progression of the weekend, here are a few highlights:
  
  - Numerous announcements from people that they received our STD (despite it being a party of family and friends, where not everyone present is invited to the wedding)    Sorry, I find that to be normal behavior.  Not everyone knows who is or not getting invited, but they don't think in those terms.  It's fresh in their minds, they see you for the first time and get all excited.     Like you said, sending them out right before you are seeing everyone wasn't good timing. 
  
  - A temper tantrum from my mother when I wouldn't show her a picture of the dress I might be buying (I wasn't showing anyone else either, or talking about it, or the wedding, because not everyone present was getting an invite). Like, voice projected for the whole party to hear.   Sorry she did that to you. Although sadly it sounds like par for the course for her.   Have more wine. 
  
  - An emotional guilt-trip from an aunt (single for 20 years) for not putting her bfs name on her STD. I've never met him, didn't know that he existed, and when I asked her why she hadn't invited him to the party, she said that she thought it would be too overwhelming to have to introduce him to everyone at a large family event... So she's waiting for the wedding! Sorry, you walked into that one.   A simple I'm sorry he was admitted from the STD.  "We can't wait to meet him" would have be enough. When you start asking questions you start getting answers you might not want.    Plus since you just sent out the STDs you wedding must be a few months out.  Meaning there is time for him to meet some family between now and then. 
  
  - Another aunts creepy husband (the guy none of us will hug) calling me a name (10 feet from me, to someone else). I let him know that I was in ear shot, and he claimed it was a compliment. I asked him not to call me names, and as I walked away, he said it again.  I have to ask?  What did he call you?   He sounds like an ass.   
  
  Would you all please give me approval to not invite any of them?
  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  December 2015

  Definitely a good suggestion not to send them out before a large gathering!

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  December 2015

  I also want to know what he called you ......

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• STARMOON44 member

  

  December 2015

  Approval for not inviting denied. They behaved exactly as you expected them to- horribly. Yet you sent them STDs anyway, so they must be invited.

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• AddieCake member

  

  December 2015

  Yeah, what did he call you?
  
  

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• bizzy592 member

  

  December 2015

  lyndausvi said:

  bizzy592 said:

  Save-the-dates went out for our June wedding last week, and spent this weekend with one side of my extended family, in my personal hell.
  
  Let's start at the very beginning - a very good place to start (damn you Sound of Music sing-along).
  
  I've discussed my mother on here previously. She's a highly toxic person (combo of bi-polar and NPD). Well, what I haven't mentioned, is that while her siblings may not have the full diagnosis, none is far off. It's manifested differently in each, but common traits include emotional manipulation, a deep inability to be content, chaos addiction, and a deliberate rejection of manners (while still being easily offended by others).
  
  Without going into the full, horrible progression of the weekend, here are a few highlights:
  
  - Numerous announcements from people that they received our STD (despite it being a party of family and friends, where not everyone present is invited to the wedding)    Sorry, I find that to be normal behavior.  Not everyone knows who is or not getting invited, but they don't think in those terms.  It's fresh in their minds, they see you for the first time and get all excited.     Like you said, sending them out right before you are seeing everyone wasn't good timing. 
  
  - A temper tantrum from my mother when I wouldn't show her a picture of the dress I might be buying (I wasn't showing anyone else either, or talking about it, or the wedding, because not everyone present was getting an invite). Like, voice projected for the whole party to hear.   Sorry she did that to you. Although sadly it sounds like par for the course for her.   Have more wine. 
  
  - An emotional guilt-trip from an aunt (single for 20 years) for not putting her bfs name on her STD. I've never met him, didn't know that he existed, and when I asked her why she hadn't invited him to the party, she said that she thought it would be too overwhelming to have to introduce him to everyone at a large family event... So she's waiting for the wedding! Sorry, you walked into that one.   A simple I'm sorry he was admitted from the STD.  "We can't wait to meet him" would have be enough. When you start asking questions you start getting answers you might not want.    Plus since you just sent out the STDs you wedding must be a few months out.  Meaning there is time for him to meet some family between now and then. 
  
  - Another aunts creepy husband (the guy none of us will hug) calling me a name (10 feet from me, to someone else). I let him know that I was in ear shot, and he claimed it was a compliment. I asked him not to call me names, and as I walked away, he said it again.  I have to ask?  What did he call you?   He sounds like an ass.   
  
  Would you all please give me approval to not invite any of them?
  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  Tried to reply in the box, but it got messy. To the first, I worded that poorly. The issue isn't that numerous people brought it up - it's that the people who did brought it up numerous times. For example, in a circle of people, "I love the STD, it's on my fridge. Did you all get them already? Bizzy, why haven't they got theirs yet - did you send them all that the same time?" I tried to let one of my aunts know discretely that it's a small wedding, so we aren't inviting everyone we'd like to - her response was to ask me throughout the night who wasn't invited.
  
  To the second, yes, completely expected.
  
  To the third, they've been together for a week, and started dating the day STDs went out. I did apologize, but probably not graciously enough.
  
  And lastly - he called me snooty. In the context of overhearing me respond to another guest (who I had never met before in my life) asking me "so, you've been single for a really long time - how'd you finally get a man?" And then, "you're nothing like your siblings - you seem to have some class"
  
  
  
  
  

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• LKBBaltimore member

  

  December 2015

  I'm leaning towards suggesting elopement at this point. Not kidding. They will all just wear you out. 
  
  However, I am now very clear on sending out the STD after the holidays, perhaps not for the same reasons. 

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  December 2015

  To be fair, it's very rude to give a Save The Date and not an invitation - the equivalent of inviting and then going back on an invitation. You don't do it because you don't want to hurt those people's feelings, ruin relationships, or otherwise be a rude or mean person.
  
  I would say that there are some people you can be rude to in order to maintain your sanity. These are the people for whom you don't care about the relationship - who hurt you enough that you wouldn't care if you ruined the relationship through rudeness, because you already feel that the relationship is ruined. If you invite someone to a wedding, then they say relationship-ending things to you, the relationship is over and rescinding the invitation is almost a given.
  
  I would 100% support someone for ending toxic relationships with people who are verbally and emotionally abusive. Is this behavior bad enough to end a relationship? Only you can say how much you will tolerate from family, and how hurtful this was in conjunction with past behaviors (it sounds to me like there's much more to this story, with patterned behavior going back decades). 
  
  If you don't want to invite them (even though you've sent STDs) go ahead. You just have to be willing to end the relationship over their behavior - and optimally be willing to tell them (in person, over the phone, or even a letter) why you're ending the relationship. Don't make it about the wedding when you do; make it about how hurt you are by them and the way they treat you, and about how you're no longer willing to tolerate it. Let them assume that they will not be invited based on that.
  
  (This is much easier with friends than with family, of course. Which is why I suggest cooling down & thinking about it a lot before making a decision.)

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  December 2015

  I got the impression that @bizzy592 has no real plans of un-inviting these people & is just being facetious.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  December 2015

  holyguacamole79 said:

  I got the impression that @bizzy592 has no real plans of un-inviting these people & is just being facetious.

  You're probably right. I may be projecting about my own less-than-pleasant family right now. Thankfully STDs won't be sent out for months.

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• AddieCake member

  

  December 2015

  holyguacamole79 said:

  I got the impression that @bizzy592 has no real plans of un-inviting these people & is just being facetious.

  Yeah, I read it as a humorous request for validation, not an actual plan to do so. 

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• bizzy592 member

  

  December 2015

  holyguacamole79 said:

  I got the impression that @bizzy592 has no real plans of un-inviting these people & is just being facetious.

  Yes, exactly. There was a moment this weekend when I thought, good lord, they're all crazy. And then I thought of that old joke about the man thinking that every other car on the road was driving the wrong way. This post was, as Addie said, a request for validation, so that I would stop gaslighting myself.
  

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