Should I invite?

Sherbie25 · December 2015

Hi ladies.

I am having a celebration of marriage party next September. I have aunties/uncles/cousins on my dad's side who I never saw that much of growing up, and barely see once a year now; there is an occasional 'like' or comment on Facebook posts. My dad will have my brothers and sister for company; I am also inviting my half siblings. Is it ok etiquette-wise if I don't invite them to the party?

Another dilemma- my dad's long term partner (and mother of my half siblings); on the one hand my dad would like her to be there. On the other hand, my half siblings are the result of my dad's cheating with this woman. My mum would be upset if she was invited and came, and I am inclined to take her side. I am paying for the party myself. Is it ok if I don't invite my dad's partner?

Thanks x

Jen4948 · December 2015

I don't think you're required to invite your aunts and uncles, but it would not be ok for you not to invite your dad's partner if you're inviting your dad. The fact that your dad cheated with her is something your mom will have to put on the shelf for the few hours of your party and whenever you and your siblings have a get-together that involves both your parents.

Maggie0829 · December 2015

It all comes down to family dynamics, but if you do not really have a relationship with certain people and don't want to invite them, you have every right to do that.

As for your Dad's partner. She needs to be invited. It would be rude not to. People just need to act like an adult for a few hours. Your Mom and your Dad's SO do not have to interact at all that day and just make sure that they are at separate tables on opposite sides of the room.

lyndausvi · December 2015

no to the aunts/cousins/long term partners.

Yes to your dad's long term partner.

AddieCake · December 2015

No to the cousins you barely know; yes to your father's SO.

ShesSoCold · December 2015

Ditto PPs. You need to invite your dad's SO and your mom (and you) need to move on with your lives.

AddieCake · December 2015

I just want everyone to note that if you say "Ess Oh" in your head from my post and not "significant other," I totally made a cute poem.

Sherbie25 · December 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Ditto PPs. You need to invite your dad's SO and your mom (and you) need to move on with your lives.

I have moved on. I'm perfectly cordial towards her when we see each other; we get on OK. My issue was my mum's feelings. Logically, of course I see the point of PPs.

lyndausvi · December 2015

It takes 2 to have an affair. If your mom can handle your dad, then she should be able to handle the other women. I'm not saying it's not hard, but putting 100% on her isn't healthy. Your father is the one who broke the vows, not her.

Do they have to be best friends? No. However, I do expect them all to be cordial the few times they will have to be together. Like weddings and grand-kid events (should there be any). Those events are few and far between, but as adults they need to just suck it up for their children's sake.

VicTim328 · December 2015

Totally understand where you are coming from and wanting to protect your mom's feelings.

My instinct is to say that since there are multiple half-siblings, this is not something new. You are cordial with his SO, so there would be a breach in etiquette. My questions are, is she also cordial to your brothers and sister? How do you manage other family functions? If your mom's children do not all get along with her, I would understand a hesitation. If someone causes your child pain, or is nasty to your child, or has a difficult relationship, then it is hard for a parent to be around that person, let alone be civil.

Now, if all the siblings are cordial, then everyone needs to adult, and Mom, Dad, and SO need to deal with it for a day. If there have been strained relations, that's when it is tricky.

Here's the exception:

My BSC step-monster gets along great with my brother, but he's the only one. She hit my sister at her sweet 16 in front of her friends, my mom, and me (while she was still only dating my father). She stalked my mother, and created a crazy website bashing my younger sister and I for not having a relationship with our father because he married a woman who hit my sister.... I did say BSC.... My mom had been civil with his previous SO, and was determined to get a long with this one, but when she did something to one of her kids, the line was crossed. Honestly, the hit aside, if she had only been verbally abusive towards us, the line would have been crossed for my mom.

Step-monster does not attend family functions. When my brother graduated from college this year, she did not attend. My grandma's 80th birthday party? Not there. We've developed a sort of system where if one is there the other isn't.

My mother is civil (used loosely) with my father now. They share children. My mom put it well, when she found herself in the ER waiting room after my brother's car accident. "No matter what he did, there was someone else in the waiting room with the same concerns and worries I had over the man I love most. I don't have to like him, but I can still have compassion for him in that instance. Being nasty would never help the situation." She does not have the same thoughts on my step-monster, but I wouldn't either if some other woman hit my teenage daughter.

Your mom and dad share you. They love you, and more than likely, no body else understands the love they have for you than each other.

I doubt the above is similar to your situation. Invite her. Everyone adults.

STARMOON44 · December 2015

You must invite your fathers partner.

Jen4948 · December 2015

VicTim328 said:

Totally understand where you are coming from and wanting to protect your mom's feelings.

My instinct is to say that since there are multiple half-siblings, this is not something new. You are cordial with his SO, so there would be a breach in etiquette. My questions are, is she also cordial to your brothers and sister? How do you manage other family functions? If your mom's children do not all get along with her, I would understand a hesitation. If someone causes your child pain, or is nasty to your child, or has a difficult relationship, then it is hard for a parent to be around that person, let alone be civil.

Now, if all the siblings are cordial, then everyone needs to adult, and Mom, Dad, and SO need to deal with it for a day. If there have been strained relations, that's when it is tricky.

Here's the exception:

My BSC step-monster gets along great with my brother, but he's the only one. She hit my sister at her sweet 16 in front of her friends, my mom, and me (while she was still only dating my father). She stalked my mother, and created a crazy website bashing my younger sister and I for not having a relationship with our father because he married a woman who hit my sister.... I did say BSC.... My mom had been civil with his previous SO, and was determined to get a long with this one, but when she did something to one of her kids, the line was crossed. Honestly, the hit aside, if she had only been verbally abusive towards us, the line would have been crossed for my mom.

Step-monster does not attend family functions. When my brother graduated from college this year, she did not attend. My grandma's 80th birthday party? Not there. We've developed a sort of system where if one is there the other isn't.

My mother is civil (used loosely) with my father now. They share children. My mom put it well, when she found herself in the ER waiting room after my brother's car accident. "No matter what he did, there was someone else in the waiting room with the same concerns and worries I had over the man I love most. I don't have to like him, but I can still have compassion for him in that instance. Being nasty would never help the situation." She does not have the same thoughts on my step-monster, but I wouldn't either if some other woman hit my teenage daughter.

Your mom and dad share you. They love you, and more than likely, no body else understands the love they have for you than each other.

I doubt the above is similar to your situation. Invite her. Everyone adults.

Please tell me this (expletive) got thrown out of the sweet 16 on its (this is deliberate-this (expletive) does not behave like a human being) butt.

SP29 · December 2015

Every guest should have their SO invited (unless as above, abuse has occurred). Beyond that, adults are their own unit, they get (or do not get) their own invite and are not tied to anyone else.

Just because you have some people who are blood relations, that does not require you to invite them to your wedding. Similarly, you could invite some aunts/uncles and not others, if you do have a relationship with some.

Invite people to your wedding whom you share a relationship with.

As for your dad's SO- yes, she should be invited. She is his long-term partner. However the relationship started, it doesn't sound like it's going to end anytime soon. You are also inviting children she shares with your father. There is a relationship there.

As for your mom, be sure to seat them at separate tables, even at opposite sides of the room if you wish. Your mom and the SO do not have to even acknowledge each other.

mntravelingmama · December 2015

It would be horrible and in very poor taste not to invite your Dad's partner. Let your mother know she needs to put her feelings aside for one evening...which is supposed to be about her daughter, not her.

Sherbie25 · December 2015

VicTim328 said:

Totally understand where you are coming from and wanting to protect your mom's feelings.

My instinct is to say that since there are multiple half-siblings, this is not something new. You are cordial with his SO, so there would be a breach in etiquette. My questions are, is she also cordial to your brothers and sister? How do you manage other family functions? If your mom's children do not all get along with her, I would understand a hesitation. If someone causes your child pain, or is nasty to your child, or has a difficult relationship, then it is hard for a parent to be around that person, let alone be civil.

Now, if all the siblings are cordial, then everyone needs to adult, and Mom, Dad, and SO need to deal with it for a day. If there have been strained relations, that's when it is tricky.

Here's the exception:

My BSC step-monster gets along great with my brother, but he's the only one. She hit my sister at her sweet 16 in front of her friends, my mom, and me (while she was still only dating my father). She stalked my mother, and created a crazy website bashing my younger sister and I for not having a relationship with our father because he married a woman who hit my sister.... I did say BSC.... My mom had been civil with his previous SO, and was determined to get a long with this one, but when she did something to one of her kids, the line was crossed. Honestly, the hit aside, if she had only been verbally abusive towards us, the line would have been crossed for my mom.

Step-monster does not attend family functions. When my brother graduated from college this year, she did not attend. My grandma's 80th birthday party? Not there. We've developed a sort of system where if one is there the other isn't.

My mother is civil (used loosely) with my father now. They share children. My mom put it well, when she found herself in the ER waiting room after my brother's car accident. "No matter what he did, there was someone else in the waiting room with the same concerns and worries I had over the man I love most. I don't have to like him, but I can still have compassion for him in that instance. Being nasty would never help the situation." She does not have the same thoughts on my step-monster, but I wouldn't either if some other woman hit my teenage daughter.

Your mom and dad share you. They love you, and more than likely, no body else understands the love they have for you than each other.

I doubt the above is similar to your situation. Invite her. Everyone adults.

She is actually very nice to me and my siblings.
my mum has not attended any functions involving my dad's side of the family since I can remember(due to this situation) so it has never been an issue I have seen dealt with.

Sherbie25 · December 2015

Thanks everyone

I sort of knew the answer just wanted others' perspectives.
My mum can be very self centred and I can see an upset in my near future! She'll just have to suck it up lol.

VicTim328 · December 2015

@Jen4948 it ended the party. at the time, BSC was a 28 year old english teacher who had hired a 21 year old former student. She kept going around talking about how he was her hottest student. My sister called her out on it saying something to the affect of "you rate your students on physical appearance and sex appeal? do you not realize how wrong that is. especially when you talk about it to me, while you're seeing my father." she was also later fired for having relations with her students...

@Sherbie25 I hope your mom finds strength to be civil through the knowledge of how kind this woman has been to you and your siblings.

GamersElope16 · December 2015

My parents are recently divorced and can barely be in the same room with each other (my mom more so than my dad, he doesn't mind).

For FI's graduation party I let mom and dad know that the other were going to be in attendance so that there wasn't going to be any surprise. The day of the graduation they both attended the ceremony (sat in close proximity too!) and the party. They pretty much stayed on opposite sides of the room but they behaved. They knew that this was about FI's achievement getting his BA in Electrical Engineering (not a small feat), and it was bigger than them. I am no longer worried about how they will behave at the wedding since the graduation party was a small "dry run".

I would suggest being open and honest with your mom that your dad will be attending with his SO. This might sound cold, but if she chooses not to attend, then that's on her. She loves you and I'm sure she will set whatever aside to be present on your wedding day.

Should I invite?

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