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Another Invite Question

SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
edited December 2015 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My partner and I have been working on our guest list and we've hit upon a stumper. 

There is a couple I plan to invite who are very close friends of my family: Mr. and Mrs. O.  My much-younger sister happens to be best friends with their daughter M.  Now my sister is extremely shy and quiet, and she will have just turned 20 at the time of the wedding, making her the only under-21 guest.  Knowing that she is going to feel extremely awkward under those circumstances, my fiance suggested that we invite M so she has someone to talk to.  

I think that is a great idea!  I like M, and I know her fairly well since she came over to play a lot when I was growing up.  My only worry is that Mr. and Mrs. O have 2 more children at home who will be 19 and 17 at the time of the wedding.  Can I invite the parents and one of the kids but not the other two?  I don't hate the idea of having them there, but I have no personal relationship with either of them and I know they would be bored.  Plus I think the parents would have more fun if their kids weren't there.  (M. would find a quiet corner to hide out with my sister.)

Thoughts?  I'm leaning toward inviting them all since I don't want to hurt any feelings, but then I know that they would feel obligated to come.  It is worth pointing out that they all live about 2 hours' drive from me, so it's a moderately big deal effort-wise to attend.

Oh, and we are expecting about 100 total guests, so not tiny but certainly not huge.
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Re: Another Invite Question

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    SaintPaulGal said:
    My partner and I have been working on our guest list and we've hit upon a stumper. 

    There is a couple I plan to invite who are very close friends of my family: Mr. and Mrs. O.  My much-younger sister happens to be best friends with their daughter M.  Now my sister is extremely shy and quiet, and she will have just turned 20 at the time of the wedding, making her the only under-21 guest.  Knowing that she is going to feel extremely awkward under those circumstances, my fiance suggested that we invite M so she has someone to talk to.  

    I think that is a great idea!  I like M, and I know her fairly well since she came over to play a lot when I was growing up.  My only worry is that Mr. and Mrs. O have 2 more children at home who will be 19 and 17 at the time of the wedding.  Can I invite the parents and one of the kids but not the other two?  I don't hate the idea of having them there, but I have no personal relationship with either of them and I know they would be bored.  Plus I think the parents would have more fun if their kids weren't there.  (M. would find a quiet corner to hide out with my sister.)

    Thoughts?  I'm leaning toward inviting them all since I don't want to hurt any feelings, but then I know that they would feel obligated to come.  It is worth pointing out that they all live about 2 hours' drive from me, so it's a moderately big deal effort-wise to attend.

    Oh, and we are expecting about 100 total guests, so not tiny but certainly not huge.
    Does M live at home?  If so, you definitely need to invite all 3 children.

    Regardless, though, considering all 3 of them are so close in age, I think it should be all-or-none for the children.  




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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I agree with PPs. If all three of the siblings live at home, you should invite all three of them. If M's friend doesn't live at home, you are within etiquette to invite just her, and not her siblings.

    But personally, I like the idea of giving your sister a plus one (assuming she is not in a relationship), and letting her choose who to bring.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think your sister should get a plus one if she's not in a relationship (obviously her SO must be invited if she is), but if you're inviting M, I don't see why you can't invite the other two siblings as well as their parents and let them decide whether or not to accept the invitation.
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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2015
    I am on board with the plus one idea. That way, she can choose whoever she wants to come with her. If she chooses M, great! If she chooses Bob from school, that's great too! That way, she will have somebody to keep her company and it will be who she chooses.

    and I agree with Spoonsey, this is such a thoughtful gesture.

    ETF words

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    aurianna said:
    We're saying children... but are they children?? Is M also 20?
    One of the "children" is 19 so also not a child...

    I mean.. they are all close in age, so inviting them all seems logical and is probably the best way to avoid hurt feelings with their parents especially...
    But if M is over 18 she is an adult and should get her own invitation anyway. The 19 year-old would also get his/her own invitation. The 17 year-old is old enough where I'd probably also give a separate invite, but also acceptable to have that person on his/her parents' invite.

    Since these "children" would all be on three different invitations anyway, I really think you aren't breaking any etiquette rules if you JUST invite the one you and your sister has a relationship with since two of the three children are actually adults and the "family unit" rules start to break down.

    Again... it would probably avoid any drama if you invited all three, but I don't think you necessarily have to if you're tight on space/budget.

    I actually like the idea of giving your sister an "And guest" instead. Just let her know it can be anyone she wants, be it friend or date.


    ETA: Everyone is saying living at home makes it a requirement that they're invited together... I didn't think that's what signified an adult? What if they were 25 and living at home? Would they still need to be invited together?

    This. Assuming M is an adult, there's no requirement for all or none with her and her siblings. If you invite her, you just mail her an invitation. I agree it could be weird to only invite one sibling if you don't really have a connection to her other than as a friend of your sister, but it's not an etiquette violation. 

    I agree that it would be better to just give your sister a plus one and let her select her own companion. You could mention to her that M's parents would be going, so M could get a ride with them, but your sister may prefer to bring another friend instead. 
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would give your sister a plus one and let her bring who she wants. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You do not need to invite all the siblings. M is an adult and would get her own invitation, as would her parents. My sister's freeing was married and on,y invited my sister and my parents. She had absolutely no obligation to invite me and my other sister because we were all 
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Spoonsey said:

    You could give your sister a plus one and let her bring a friend (or date) of her choosing.  Your sister may very well decide she'd rather bring her best friend than a date, but either way it solves her being lonely throughout your wedding.  The caveat is that you can't dictate who your sister chooses as a plus one, but it also means that if M is unavailable to attend your wedding then your sister still has someone.

    If you specifically want M there as a companion for your sister, and not some potentially random plus one, then I would invite all the kids to avoid hurt feelings.  Etiquette wise I don't think it has to be all or nothing with adult children, but since you don't have any really strong objections to the other kids it may not be worth the potential hurt.

    For what it's worth, I think this is a really nice and thoughtful idea.

    I was just about to suggest that, you beat me to it.

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    That's a good idea to let her know her plus one doesn't have to be a "date." From my years on here, I've learned that a lot of people just assume a lot of things about weddings, and I might have assumed my plus-one had to be a "date" when I was younger as well. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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