Offensive Etiquette all over!

drid · December 2015

After lurking here for quite a while, I'm totally side-eying all of my cousins horrible etiquette for her upcoming wedding.
1) I just actually read the invite as my Mom mentioned RSVPs are due Jan 1 (for an Aug wedding). I don't f'n know what I'm doing a month from now! Never mind in August, that's just crazy to expect confirmed RSVPs over eight months in advance!
2) She started a GoFundMe page to raise money for her wedding, and was posting it all over FB. Wrong on all levels. I think her Dad got wind of it and shut that down right quick, and after about a month she had only raised like $50 so I think most people knew it was bad taste.
3) Her wedding website specifically asks for no gifts and just donations to their Honeyfund... Barf. They went on like a 3 week European vacation just over a year ago that they managed to pay for themselves.
4) I just actually read my invite because they're apparently due, and my FI and partner of 5 years isn't invited at all. I wasn't even given a +1. It specifically says: "Please RSVP by January 1st 2016. If your invitation does not mention a plus one, then we do not have room at the venue for any additional guests. Thank you for understanding." It's not even like my FI is some random she has never met. She has not only met him but she has spent the night in our home, that we have owned together for years! I am just so deeply offended by that. We have been together longer than her and her FH have been (not that that matters at all, but it's not like my FI is new to the picture). I really don't know if I should just decline on principle (he can't actually make it anyways because he works oilfield and is on shift, but still, she doesn't know that!) or if I should ask her to see if she genuinely made a mistake. I don't even know if I care at this point. It's such a gong-show.
And finally 5) Huge gap which leaves me in the middle of a city about 2 hours away from home with no SO and nothing to do.. Because pictures!

Ugh. It's so horrible I just had to share

jacques27 · December 2015

That's an easy no. Hell, #4 alone is enough. You don't disrespect my SO or our relationship. I wouldn't even call to clarify - they put it right into invitation that if you don't see it, it's on purpose. It's clear they can't afford their wedding, so consider your gift to them that they have one less person to pay for and decline that mess.

downtondiva · December 2015

Every single one of these is incredibly rude, and I agree with @jacques27 that #4 is reason enough for you not to go. If I was invited to a wedding and my husband wasn't, I would automatically decline.

I say skip this wedding. There are much better things you could be doing on a weekend in August!

MobKaz · December 2015

DougsMum said:

After lurking here for quite a while, I'm totally side-eying all of my cousins horrible etiquette for her upcoming wedding. 1) I just actually read the invite as my Mom mentioned RSVPs are due Jan 1 (for an Aug wedding). I don't f'n know what I'm doing a month from now! Never mind in August, that's just crazy to expect confirmed RSVPs over eight months in advance! 2) She started a GoFundMe page to raise money for her wedding, and was posting it all over FB. Wrong on all levels. I think her Dad got wind of it and shut that down right quick, and after about a month she had only raised like $50 so I think most people knew it was bad taste. 3) Her wedding website specifically asks for no gifts and just donations to their Honeyfund... Barf. They went on like a 3 week European vacation just over a year ago that they managed to pay for themselves. 4) I just actually read my invite because they're apparently due, and my FI and partner of 5 years isn't invited at all. I wasn't even given a +1. It specifically says: "Please RSVP by January 1st 2016. If your invitation does not mention a plus one, then we do not have room at the venue for any additional guests. Thank you for understanding." It's not even like my FI is some random she has never met. She has not only met him but she has spent the night in our home, that we have owned together for years! I am just so deeply offended by that. We have been together longer than her and her FH have been (not that that matters at all, but it's not like my FI is new to the picture). I really don't know if I should just decline on principle (he can't actually make it anyways because he works oilfield and is on shift, but still, she doesn't know that!) or if I should ask her to see if she genuinely made a mistake. I don't even know if I care at this point. It's such a gong-show. And finally 5) Huge gap which leaves me in the middle of a city about 2 hours away from home with no SO and nothing to do.. Because pictures! Ugh. It's so horrible I just had to share

This is a complete no-brainer.

I cannot imagine anyone able to RSVP 8 months out. As a teacher, I have some decent flexibility, especially in the summer months. But school begins in August, and that calendar does not come out until at least April.

I'm curious about that 8 month window. Is this any type of destination wedding? Is the family so large that she has a B/C/D list? I have declined weddings that have had a large gap. Pair that with excluding my SO and you have a no-go from me!

500days · December 2015

Yeah, don't go to the wedding if your FI isn't invited. And I think @MobKaz is right. They probably have a B/C/D list with that 8 month window of time until the wedding.

kaos16 · December 2015

There is no way this is real life!! Please be making this up OP.

JoanE2012 · December 2015

OP - I hope you're not going! I hope all of her guests RSVP no.

drid · December 2015

Sadly this is 100% true! I just can't even comprehend this! I almost want to go just to see what kind of shitshow it ends up being. Aaaaaaaaand she sent out e-vites which automatically resend every two weeks if you don't RSVP, she sent out invites in the summer!

InLoveInQueens · December 2015

Every single thing you listed would turn my RSVP from "ugh do I really want to commit to something 8 months out?" to "Fuck no, not going to this shit show". Family or not, #4 alone is rude enough that I wouldn't even consider going.

Why waste your time.

Jen4948 · December 2015

#trainwreck

kmmssg · December 2015

I think it would be hilarious if people who RSVP no because of the early due date come back later and say, "Hey, I can come after all!" She will have filled the place up using her G list and H list and the shit will hit the fan if she is turning away family.

Please don't go to this, but I do hope you update us as much as possible.

wink0erin · December 2015

I RSVPed no to my cousin's wedding because he didn't invite my parents. They invited all other aunts and uncles and tons of cousins, but deliberately left out my parents. There were tons of other rude things, and I haven't spoken to that cousin since. So, if a cousin didn't invite someone I was in a long-term relationship with I'd say "nooooooo."

MyNameIsNot · December 2015

DougsMum said:

Sadly this is 100% true! I just can't even comprehend this! I almost want to go just to see what kind of shitshow it ends up being. Aaaaaaaaand she sent out e-vites which automatically resend every two weeks if you don't RSVP, she sent out invites in the summer!

This is my vote. Yes, it's going to be a total shitshow, but think of the stories!

Can you RSVP maybe? That's usually an option for an evite. Or RSVP yes now, but feel free to change your mind in July.

SP29 · December 2015

OP- Unless this is an easy trip for you to make, you would genuinely enjoying spending the time with the rest of your family, I'd decline. Very rude not to invite your FI, and it definitely sounds like there is more than one invite list going on.

SP29 · December 2015

wink0erin said:

I RSVPed no to my cousin's wedding because he didn't invite my parents. They invited all other aunts and uncles and tons of cousins, but deliberately left out my parents. There were tons of other rude things, and I haven't spoken to that cousin since. So, if a cousin didn't invite someone I was in a long-term relationship with I'd say "nooooooo."

I feel like there is probably much more to the story here, but your cousin was not obligated to invite your parents. Adults get their own invitations, which are not contingent on anyone else's invite- thus it is perfectly fine to invite some and not others.

But from your personal situation- this is why it is recommended to invite in circles. And likewise, you are also an adult and are free to decline any invite you wish, for any reason you wish.

100yroldblinddog · December 2015

Even if @DougsMum RSVPs no, I'm guessing this cousin is still banking on a gift in her absence, because of course she is. Weddings are for getting presents, after all!

ETA clarity.

drunkenwitch · December 2015

Oh hell no on number 4. BF and I have been together almost 5 years now but back in the early days (together a few months at most) I was in a wedding, he was invited to the wedding by the HC because he was my BF and my friends wouldn't even dream of not inviting him.

monkeysip · December 2015

MyNameIsNot said:

DougsMum said:

Sadly this is 100% true! I just can't even comprehend this! I almost want to go just to see what kind of shitshow it ends up being. Aaaaaaaaand she sent out e-vites which automatically resend every two weeks if you don't RSVP, she sent out invites in the summer!

This is my vote. Yes, it's going to be a total shitshow, but think of the stories!

Can you RSVP maybe? That's usually an option for an evite. Or RSVP yes now, but feel free to change your mind in July.

You know, people say this on this board, but I feel like any bride and groom who commit the etiquette atrocities above are probably the same ones that will charge you for food and water and make you sleep in a frozen cabin in the woods or something. I think odds are she's NOT going to have a good time.

Screw that. I'd say you already have plans 8 months in advance.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Your cousin sounds as rude as cow manure. I hope that you extend the same kindness to your cousin that they have bestowed upon you and your SO when you all get married.

AddieCake · December 2015

This is a no-brainer to me. I would never attend a wedding my SO was not invited to as well, not even to see what kind of a shitshow it would be.

TheCheeseWench · December 2015

Just NO. All of the NO.

lembaslover · December 2015

SP29 said:

wink0erin said:

I RSVPed no to my cousin's wedding because he didn't invite my parents. They invited all other aunts and uncles and tons of cousins, but deliberately left out my parents. There were tons of other rude things, and I haven't spoken to that cousin since. So, if a cousin didn't invite someone I was in a long-term relationship with I'd say "nooooooo."

I feel like there is probably much more to the story here, but your cousin was not obligated to invite your parents. Adults get their own invitations, which are not contingent on anyone else's invite- thus it is perfectly fine to invite some and not others.

But from your personal situation- this is why it is recommended to invite in circles. And likewise, you are also an adult and are free to decline any invite you wish, for any reason you wish.

Yea not inviting parents is way different than not inviting a SO. Chances are they had a good reason if they only left your parents out. I left one set of aunt/uncles out because they stole from my grandmother and have been generally rude to myself and my dad, and are I knew they'd try to push the cost of attending (travel & hotel for them) on either my parents, my grandma, or my other aunt if they were invited. I did invite their son and his wife because he's done nothing wrong. Not sure if that's why he didn't attend or if it was because of travel for them too. Either way it was my choice and theirs but no one broke etiquette.

CharmedPam · December 2015

RSVP with "no, sorry, spending time with my FI that day"

frenchiekin · December 2015

CharmedPam said:

RSVP with "no, sorry, spending time with my FI that day"

^ This, exactly... but I tend to be a little passive aggressive.

I get the temptation of going just to see the shitshow unfold, but I really think that just validates what they are doing to them. It's telling the couple that you are ok with your SO not being invited. I'd decline on principle and use CharmedPam's line if anyone else asks you why are you aren't attending.

mollybarker11 · December 2015

It will probably be enough of a shitshow that everyone who does attend will be talking about how awful it was for months, so you'll learn all about it without having to waste your own time.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Sounds like a decline is in order. And that an invite to your wedding is in order too so that way she can see the proper way to have a wedding, even if it's after the fact.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2015

frenchiekin said:

CharmedPam said:

RSVP with "no, sorry, spending time with my FI that day"

^ This, exactly... but I tend to be a little passive aggressive.

I get the temptation of going just to see the shitshow unfold, but I really think that just validates what they are doing to them. It's telling the couple that you are ok with your SO not being invited. I'd decline on principle and use CharmedPam's line if anyone else asks you why are you aren't attending.

That's not passive aggressive at all. . . that's pretty damn direct.

Decline, decline, decline!

madamerwin · December 2015

You should RSVP yes and include a note saying "(Fiance) and I look forward to seeing you there!" Then, when she contacts you to say that FI is not actually invited, follow it with a passive-aggressive "Oh! Proper wedding etiquette means you invite all adults with their significant other - so I did not even notice his name was not on it! I guess I will not be attending then, since he is not invited."

Or do what PP said and RSVP yes now, and then conveniently change your mind in July.

MandyMost · January 2016

I would be so passive aggressive about this!

First, just ignore it. Don't RSVP. If she starts hounding you for a response, reply "Oh, I thought that was just a Save-the-Date since wedding invitations are expected 6-8 weeks prior to the date at most! Let me get back to you". Then wait at least a week, ideally until she hounds you again for a response. Then reply that "I looked at our calendars, and we'll probably be able to make it". See if she follows up about the "probably" or the "we".

Then, when the date gets about a month out, confirm your attendance or not (for both of you).

Oh, and for a gift, I would 100% give a gift card for a store. Not cash, and not contribute to the honeyfund. Unless the above goes really poorly, then I'd just give a nice card--no gift.

drid · January 2016

I RSVPd yes, just for myself since FI can't make it anyways. I'm really hoping for the best and that she just didn't know better. But it's really making me think twice while planning our wedding. I'm feeling that by the time I'm served dinner after the huge gap and having to entertain myself with beer, it'll be fun anyways!

Offensive Etiquette all over!

Re: Offensive Etiquette all over!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards