Research

FutureMrs.U · December 2015

My FI and I are in the very early stages of planning our wedding. We loved the size and style of my best friends wedding and want to ask her what they had as a budget. We really just want a ballpark number of what we should expect to spend for something about the same size. Everything I've read says it's rude to ask what others spent, but we lived together for several years and are reasonably comfortable talking to each other about money. Would I be way out of line to ask her?

climbingsingle · December 2015

IMO, yes, it's rude to ask someone a question like that. I think you are going about this the wrong way. Figure out what your budget is, and then start researching venues.

bethsmiles · December 2015

Yes, it would be rude to ask. Don't try to work backwards on this. You need to set your budget then decide venue, size, etc. Not the other way around.

nerdwife · December 2015

I'm not sure that this would be that bad, depending on your relationship with them. My brother and his wife gave me their wedding planning binder, which included contracts and thus costs, and it was not awkward at all. I think if this is one of your closest friends and you feel like you could say you just don't know where to start, it's probably fine. I would be okay if when my closest friend gets engaged she asks me what our wedding costs.

ETA: I know the advice is to sit down and come up with a budget, but if you have no idea what a wedding costs, I know this is hard. FI and I did this - said we will spend X amount on a wedding - only to realize that the wedding we wanted would cost more than that. So I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to get an idea of what the kind of wedding you're interested in having costs and then sitting down and deciding if you (A) can afford it and (B) agree that you're both comfortable spending that amount of money.

CharmedPam · December 2015

I would find it rude to ask someone- and be taken aback if someone asked me.

madamerwin · December 2015

I agree that it is rude to ask, but also, only you know your relationship well enough to know whether your friend would be offended by the question. I have friends with whom I discuss financial matters, including how much we spent on our wedding. But in general, yes, it is rude to ask people about their finances.

On another note, unless you plan to get married in the same town, using the same venue and vendors, what she spent will not directly correlate to how much you will spend. For example, if your friend got married in rural Arkansas, but you plan to get married in Manhattan, the same size/style wedding will cost you significantly more than it cost her. Same goes with photography - we spent about half of what my sister spent on her photographer, and (though I am biased) our photos turned out way better. All because she lives in San Francisco, where everything is more expensive.

Assuming you know the name of her venue, and maybe her caterer, it's quite possible you could figure out those costs on your own by contacting the vendors directly. But again - there are SO many variables in wedding planning that knowing what she spent will not necessarily be helpful to you.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586 · December 2015

If you are confident enough that your friend won't get offended then I think you will probably be fine. As other PPs have said, only you know your relationship well enough to know if that is a good idea or not.

You could also just ask your friend for their vendor contacts and see what they would charge you. That way you can customize what you are asking for and get a more solid idea of what certain things will cost for YOU.

FI and I had no idea what a wedding would cost, but after some of our own research (w/o asking any married couples) we figured out that we will be able to afford what we want.

frenchiekin · December 2015

madamerwin said:

I agree that it is rude to ask, but also, only you know your relationship well enough to know whether your friend would be offended by the question. I have friends with whom I discuss financial matters, including how much we spent on our wedding. But in general, yes, it is rude to ask people about their finances.

On another note, unless you plan to get married in the same town, using the same venue and vendors, what she spent will not directly correlate to how much you will spend. For example, if your friend got married in rural Arkansas, but you plan to get married in Manhattan, the same size/style wedding will cost you significantly more than it cost her. Same goes with photography - we spent about half of what my sister spent on her photographer, and (though I am biased) our photos turned out way better. All because she lives in San Francisco, where everything is more expensive.

Assuming you know the name of her venue, and maybe her caterer, it's quite possible you could figure out those costs on your own by contacting the vendors directly. But again - there are SO many variables in wedding planning that knowing what she spent will not necessarily be helpful to you.

This. There are tons of factors that go into what a wedding costs - location, type of venue, what services you're getting, what discounts/deals you're getting, etc. Things like venues can be really hard to compare. Something all-inclusive is going to seem a lot more expensive than a venue that just charges a small fee to use the space only, but it may not be in the end. Some places will include rentals, some you'll need to do them on your own. She may have known somebody who was a DJ and got her a deal, or had a friend who helped with her decor. All this to say, while it might give you a rough idea, if you are not planning the same exact wedding as her, it may not really be helpful. A $30,000 wedding can look 100% different from another depending on all of these elements.

When one of my closest friends started planning, she had no idea where to begin. I trust her and am not super private about sharing relevant financial info with those very close to me, so I offered up whatever she asked for. I am probably the exception - not everyone is comfortable with this. You might try asking her more indirectly for advice, like "BFF, when you started looking at venues/photogs/DJs, what was the typical price range you saw around X location? We are trying to get a feel for what we're in for cost-wise." Most people will be able to give you an idea of what average costs they were seeing when they were planning without giving away personal information. If she doesn't just offer up what SHE actually paid, then you know she doesn't want to share that information, and you probably shouldn't ask.

indigo26 · December 2015

Two of my friends are getting married after I do - one a couple months after and the other about a year after. Both have asked me about how much we're planning to spend on our wedding and I was not offended by it. Honestly we've all talked about sharing costs of some stuff - we're passing vases for centerpieces, the cake cutting set, and other generic stuff along to the next one to get married to help all of us save on our weddings. One of us will go meet a vendor and if we like them, we'll refer the other two to that person.

But I do agree that you have to know your friendships. My friends and I regularly talk about bills and such so we're comfy with that kind of talk.

CharmedPam · December 2015

"planning to spend on your wedding" vs "what did you spend" is a slightly better way of asking. If anyone asks (my BFF is planning a wedding in 2016) I may say "our budget was $_____ and we didn't go over that" which will be the truth without saying exact numbers.

lyndausvi · December 2015

nerdwife said:

I'm not sure that this would be that bad, depending on your relationship with them. My brother and his wife gave me their wedding planning binder, which included contracts and thus costs, and it was not awkward at all. I think if this is one of your closest friends and you feel like you could say you just don't know where to start, it's probably fine. I would be okay if when my closest friend gets engaged she asks me what our wedding costs.

ETA: I know the advice is to sit down and come up with a budget, but if you have no idea what a wedding costs, I know this is hard. FI and I did this - said we will spend X amount on a wedding - only to realize that the wedding we wanted would cost more than that. So I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to get an idea of what the kind of wedding you're interested in having costs and then sitting down and deciding if you (A) can afford it and (B) agree that you're both comfortable spending that amount of money.

I agree with this.

Some people really only have 'x' dollars to spend. Others, like me, had/have an idea of what we want to spend, but have the funds to increase if we want/need to.

lembaslover · December 2015

I agree with PP you know your relationship best and can decide if it's ok to ask or not but keep in mind like PP are suggesting that just because she had a wedding that size for X amount doesn't mean that you can do that too.

Location is a big factor as PP mention but also how long ago was her wedding? I know we started looking in summer 2014 for venues for our fall 2015 wedding and were able to save some money because they gave us the 2014 price. Other venues already gave you 2015 pricing and in some cases it was quite a bit higher than 2014. So even assuming you used all her vendors it could still cost you more. Season is also a factor. Late fall/winter tended to be cheaper than spring/summer weddings in my area. This may be the opposite depending on the location and typical weather.

JediElizabeth · December 2015

It's definitely rude to ask, but with friends, sometimes you break those boundaries. It's also rude to invite yourself over to crash on a friends couch, or to tell someone their clothes are dirty/they have food in their teeth/they need a breath mint, but I think good friends can do all those things.

I'm pretty relaxed about that stuff though - my roommate probably knows my budget, because I tend to leave my wedding binder lying around open when I get distracted. And I can name half a dozen people I wouldn't mind talking numbers with if they came asking for advice (as opposed to just for curiosity's sake).

You may want to ask gently though, in case your friend is touchy about it, or weirded out by how much her parents spent (in the case of one of my friends), etc. Just tell her you're starting to put together a budget, and want some advice on what you should ballpark. If she's comfortable talking about her stuff, she'll probably take it from there.

ILoveBeachMusic · December 2015

nerdwife said:

I'm not sure that this would be that bad, depending on your relationship with them. My brother and his wife gave me their wedding planning binder, which included contracts and thus costs, and it was not awkward at all. I think if this is one of your closest friends and you feel like you could say you just don't know where to start, it's probably fine. I would be okay if when my closest friend gets engaged she asks me what our wedding costs.

ETA: I know the advice is to sit down and come up with a budget, but if you have no idea what a wedding costs, I know this is hard. FI and I did this - said we will spend X amount on a wedding - only to realize that the wedding we wanted would cost more than that. So I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to get an idea of what the kind of wedding you're interested in having costs and then sitting down and deciding if you (A) can afford it and (B) agree that you're both comfortable spending that amount of money.

When my daughter was dating her now husband and we knew it would probably lead to marriage, I asked a good friend of mine what the average cost of a wedding in our town was (her sons had both gotten married in the previous couple of years). She gave me a starting idea which was good. My now son-in-law had absolutely no idea how much a wedding would cost in their city. He underestimated by 100%. By then, I knew kind of what to expect. It is hard to set a budget if you have absolutely no idea. If she is that close of a friend, you could probably word the question so that you are not out and out asking how much she spent.

CMGragain · December 2015

It doesn't matter what someone else spent on their wedding. It only matters what you will spend on yours.
It sounds like you are planning backwards. FIRST - budget. You can want whatever, but if you can't pay for it, then you can't have it. SECOND - guest list.
OK, now you can start planning. Daytime weddings are cheaper than evening weddings with full dinner. Fewer guests will lower your costs.
I recommend buying a copy of this book: http://www.amazon.com/Bridal-Bargains-Planning-Fantastic-Realistic/dp/1889392464/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451513042&sr=1-1&keywords=budget+bride. It is well worth the money.

AW3380 · December 2015

When we started planning our wedding we asked my aunt and cousin for a ballpark figure of how much they spent on my cousin's wedding two years ago. They were not offended and happy to offer advice. Yes setting a budget is an important first step but it can also be helpful to get an idea of the cost of things from someone who recently planned a wedding. I say if you don't think she will be offended, ask her. Maybe phrase it like "hey Susie, I loved many of the aspects of your wedding and am hoping to plan mine around the same size. Would you mind giving me a ballpark figure of the total amount spent?"

MyNameIsNot · December 2015

When we started planning, I didn't really know what to expect on budget. A close friend had recently been married in similar style to what I'd envisioned. Rather than asking her directly, I called her venue and asked for a price list. That was enough to give me a vague idea, at least for venue/catering. I also talked to a planner who helped me with price ranges for various things in our area.

I would be a little put out if a friend directly asked me what we'd spent, just as I'd be turned off if someone asked what we made or what we'd paid for our house. Other people are totally comfortable discussing those things. Unless this is one of those relationships where you freely discuss personal finances, I would avoid asking directly and let her offer what she's comfortable with.

APDSS22 · December 2015

I think if you ask her for advice "how did you figure out where to start on your budget" "where did you find your vendors' prices" that would be friendly. But asking "how much did you throw at that wedding, anyway?" would throw me off because it seems prying. Maybe she's a different sort of person like pp said, but I'd go for asking advice and maybe she'll just give you a number or at least you'll get some good tips for finding vendors/prices.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I know people say budget first, but I put in a lot of time and energy researching before we set a budget. If I had had a friend who'd recently gotten married in our area then I would have considered asking him/her. Not necessarily for hard numbers of what they spent, but for ball park estimates on various things. Therefore I don't consider OP doing anything backwards, some research comes before setting a firm budget, which is what she's doing. After all my research I could tell you the industry standard for most wedding services in our area, and that is something I'd happily share with a friend.

We've had a couple of friends hint to know our budget, and it's been off putting. I think one was coming from a gossiping POV (OMG, did you HEAR how much her parents gave them), while the other was doing some research similar to the OP (hmm... Spoonsey and I have similar style, I wonder how much they're paying). We've bean dipped in both instances.

Only you know your friendship, and if my best friend asked me because she wanted something similar, I think I'd be fine. People can get pretty judgey about wedding budgets, so bear that in mind when you breach this conversation. You *could* ask her for a ballpark number for her venue or venues similar to hers. Venue, catering and bar are going to take up between 50-60 percent of your budget.

AddieCake · December 2015

I think it's a valid point that if one doesn't know what a wedding will cost, doing some research before setting a budget is a good idea.

charlotte989875 · December 2015

Many areas have websites that give averages for the area, which is where we started but also gave examples of common venues so this may be a good place to start if you're feeling weird about asking her.

lyndausvi · December 2015

Budgets are more than just the final numbers. It's also how to divide up the numbers. Accountants do not make up budgets by pulling numbers out their asses. They do research to see what things cost.

We have seen the couple who says " I want a Saturday night, 200 person dinner. I have $1000. I've already bought a $600 dress." Then they cry when we say it's not realistic.

Doing research allows the couple to make a realistic budget. Just saying "I have $1000 to spend" isn't enough. For example, you need to know that the marriage license costs $100 which would be 10% of your budget. Now you only have $900 on everything else.

SP29 · December 2015

While generally it IS rude to ask about money, if you have that kind of relationship, I think it's fine- but only you know that. If you specifically liked your friends wedding, you can ask what vendors they used and go from there.

If you know the kind of wedding you would like, you can always look up venues and vendors online and see what they offer- most venues are good about listing their packages- or give them a call.

That is what I did- looked up any venue I could find in the area, see what they offered, did I like it, was there a price, and if not, did I like it enough to call and ask. I also did a lot of e-mailing with vendors, "At what price point do your packages start?". Particularly with photography and florists. I found a lot of photographers listed their packages but not prices, and the florists listed nothing. Flowers are highly variable, so that was harder to pin down (I had a lot of florists tell me, "I can't give you a quote until I know exactly what you want", but I was able to ask what a simple bouquet started at- essentially, can I even afford this?

I think doing research IS a good idea, because how else will you know? I was VERY surprised to find out how much photography costs.

huskypuppy14 · December 2015

lyndausvi said:

Budgets are more than just the final numbers. It's also how to divide up the numbers. Accountants do not make up budgets by pulling numbers out their asses. They do research to see what things cost.

We have seen the couple who says " I want a Saturday night, 200 person dinner. I have $1000. I've already bought a $600 dress." Then they cry when we say it's not realistic.

Doing research allows the couple to make a realistic budget. Just saying "I have $1000 to spend" isn't enough. For example, you need to know that the marriage license costs $100 which would be 10% of your budget. Now you only have $900 on everything else.

This!

People also have different priorities. For me, the venue and food and drink were the most important, so those were what we spent the most on. I didn't care that much about flowers so we spent less on that. Some people are picky about photography so maybe they want to spend 20% on a photographer but only 5% on flowers.

Only the OP knows her best friend. If it was my best friend, I have no problem sharing how much the catering costs (that's usually the most expensive anyway). Maybe I wouldn't share the total cost of my wedding, but sharing pieces I don't find a problem. Honestly, I don't even know my full total cost. I have a ballpark, and I know exactly how much my venue charged, but to add up every little accessory, gift, and bauble, is too time consuming.

It's also helpful to know if the average cost for a reception dinner in your area is 50 dollars a person or 200 dollars a person.

MandyMost · January 2016

If you have no idea about wedding budgets, just start calling/visiting venues and get their package options. That gives you a starting point. For instance, when we started we called a few hotels in Boston, and it turns out they had a $35,000 food and beverage minimum....so that's literally the venue, food, and drink. You would need to add on flowers, attire, music, etc. onto that. Easily $50k for a wedding at least at these places. We knew we'd either have to go outside the city, or find a place that had different pricing schemes!

Anyway, I think it would be totally rude to just ask your friend "How much did your wedding cost?". Also, she may have no idea of a total. I could give you an idea about each individual vendor, but we never added it up completely for a full "wedding cost".

But you can ask your friend "I'm starting wedding planning, and I have no idea where to start! Can I grill you on how you found you vendors, and what to expect things to cost, over lunch one day?". She'll likely be able to tell you a lot more than just "this cost x". For instance, I got a huge variety of florist quotes--$1500 to over $7000! I wanted even lower than that (we went with 1500 and loved it), but there's essentially a minimum if you want delivery and set up for a florist. She can likely explain all kinds of stuff like that to you.

geebee908 · January 2016

You should look for the "hidden" costs also. So many places add in fees and gratuities that don't show up in the per person cost or packages. Those figures made a difference for us-- one place looked cheaper but in reality was a little more cost-wise when everything was figured in.

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