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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Trying to uphold etiquette, may have overstepped

I have been lurking on the boards for a while and learning a lot! So when an etiquette-related issue was brought up by a friend of mine, I tried to steer her in the right direction, but I may have overstepped...

My friend is getting married in late April of this year, a week before me. A few days ago, she mentioned that her health insurance just ran out and she needed to find a new one before the grace period ended. She had three perfectly fine options, but seemed to have an excuse as to why none of them would work. Then she said that the most viable option would be to head to the courthouse and marry her FI now to get on his insurance. Then they would have their wedding in April (with no changes to the original plan- white ballgown, first dance, etc.). Well, alarm bells went off in my head from what I learned here, and I think what came out of my mouth was actually, "Noooooo!" I explained in what I thought was a nice way that she could not do that because I wanted to see her get married, as I'm sure her family would as well, and if she went through with this plan we would miss it. Her response: "Then we'll keep it a secret." I told her that was worse, she shouldn't lie, and I would help her find a way to get insurance and have her wedding. And I did, and her problem is solved. She seemed miffed though. I'm sure she'll get over it, because it worked out, but did I stick my nose where it didn't belong? Could I have handled it better? I'm not a bridesmaid but we are close friends, we text every day and call each other/see each other fairly often. She has been making other etiquette blunders that I honestly wouldn't have known if I hadn't been lurking here for so long, but I don't want to come off as obnoxious and continually correct her, so I usually don't say anything. What would you do?

Re: Trying to uphold etiquette, may have overstepped

  • I have been lurking on the boards for a while and learning a lot! So when an etiquette-related issue was brought up by a friend of mine, I tried to steer her in the right direction, but I may have overstepped...

    My friend is getting married in late April of this year, a week before me. A few days ago, she mentioned that her health insurance just ran out and she needed to find a new one before the grace period ended. She had three perfectly fine options, but seemed to have an excuse as to why none of them would work. Then she said that the most viable option would be to head to the courthouse and marry her FI now to get on his insurance. Then they would have their wedding in April (with no changes to the original plan- white ballgown, first dance, etc.). Well, alarm bells went off in my head from what I learned here, and I think what came out of my mouth was actually, "Noooooo!" I explained in what I thought was a nice way that she could not do that because I wanted to see her get married, as I'm sure her family would as well, and if she went through with this plan we would miss it. Her response: "Then we'll keep it a secret." I told her that was worse, she shouldn't lie, and I would help her find a way to get insurance and have her wedding. And I did, and her problem is solved. She seemed miffed though. I'm sure she'll get over it, because it worked out, but did I stick my nose where it didn't belong? Could I have handled it better? I'm not a bridesmaid but we are close friends, we text every day and call each other/see each other fairly often. She has been making other etiquette blunders that I honestly wouldn't have known if I hadn't been lurking here for so long, but I don't want to come off as obnoxious and continually correct her, so I usually don't say anything. What would you do?
    Tell her how wonderful the Knot is for wedding planning, and let us take over for you.  Bring her on!
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  • I think you stated things fine (at least, I assume you did).  I would just let it go.  
  • I don't think you did anything wrong. Just use your common sense here and take the wedding part out of it. If this friend had told you she was thinking about lying on her resume, how would you have reacted? 

    When you get more into etiquette details (cash bar, gaps) it's a bit more of knowing your audience and knowing your relationship. Would you volunteer to this friend that her new highlights wash her out? If not, I would probably avoid saying much unless she's asking you or opening herself up for opinions. 
  • Honestly, when a friend is all about deceiving their friends and family I think it is fine to tell them that it is a really bad idea.

    When my one friend was getting married she mentioned that she wasn't going to invite the SOs of her co-workers.  Her reasoning is that they all have more fun without them.  I said, "oh well I would be kinda miffed if my SO wasn't invited."  She then jumped on the "but we have a budget" and the "they have all done it" excuses so I just backed off.  But if said friend wanted to basically lie to everyone for 4+ months I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut.

    It is a fine line between speaking up and not ruining your friendship.  But if you are good friends with someone you should be able to speak your mind and be truthful with them rather then just smothering them in sugar and rainbows.

  • Actually, my good friend ran into a similar-sounding situation with her insurance. She said, in front of several close friends and her mother, that they were considering the courthouse thing before their planned church wedding for insurance purposes. We all kindly said in so many words something like, "Noooo... People want to see you get married, don't cheapen that..."

    And you know what? There wasn't a dry eye in the house during their church ceremony. You can't recreate the moment of vowing to be together for life. You just can't. 

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  • A coworkers boyfriend recently suggested a courthouse wedding and recreation later on because his father is terminal.

    I told her there was a way to have both before he passes and I'd be happy to help. At the end of the day you helped her and when her wedding comes she'll forget all about it!
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  • Not sure why you'd need to be married to get on his insurance. The new ACA laws state that you can have your 'partner' on your insurance, so my fiance is on mine.
    Glad you talked her out of it.
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