How to deal with FSIL

Re: How to deal with FSIL

• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2016

  I would keep telling her that you have not made a decision until you have actually asked your sister and friend to be in the wedding.  After that if she asks or makes comments that make it seem like she is going to be your MOH just tell her that you are sorry if there was any confusion but you have only asked X and Y to be in your wedding.
  
  Whatever you do do not enable her behavior.  If she throws a temper tantrum like a 3 year old just ignore it.

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2016

  Maggie0829 said:

  I would keep telling her that you have not made a decision until you have actually asked your sister and friend to be in the wedding.  After that if she asks or makes comments that make it seem like she is going to be your MOH just tell her that you are sorry if there was any confusion but you have only asked X and Y to be in your wedding.
  
  Whatever you do do not enable her behavior.  If she throws a temper tantrum like a 3 year old just ignore it.

  This.
  
  Ultimately, when everyone is asked you're going to need to be direct.
  
  Is there anything that you can ask her to do?   Would you be comfortable asking her to do a reading?    Could she be on your FI's side? 

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• nicoalann member

  

  January 2016

  That all sounds good. 
  
  All I could think of was ignoring her or flat out telling her no. But I know being rude would just fuel the fire.
  
  But doing what you said would totally save my tail from most of her outbursts.
  
  And I hadn't thought about giving her a special thing to do. That's brilliant.
  
  Thank you both!!!
  
  

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• frenchiekin member

  

  January 2016

  banana468 said:

  Maggie0829 said:

  I would keep telling her that you have not made a decision until you have actually asked your sister and friend to be in the wedding.  After that if she asks or makes comments that make it seem like she is going to be your MOH just tell her that you are sorry if there was any confusion but you have only asked X and Y to be in your wedding.
  
  Whatever you do do not enable her behavior.  If she throws a temper tantrum like a 3 year old just ignore it.

  This.
  
  Ultimately, when everyone is asked you're going to need to be direct.
  
  Is there anything that you can ask her to do?   Would you be comfortable asking her to do a reading?    Could she be on your FI's side? 

  All of the above.  Ain't got no time for adult children.  There's at least someone in her life that enables that behavior, otherwise she wouldn't act that way.  Don't feed into it.
  
  She's pretty bold to assume she's going to be your MOH when you have your own sister and a BFF... but I guess we aren't dealing with a rational person here.

  
  

  
  

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• lnixon8 member

  

  January 2016

  I would have some canned line ready to use.. not a speech, not "you didn't make the cut" just something along the lines of what Maggie suggested "Sorry if there was confusion, I'm only having my Jane and Josie in the wedding party. Ca't wait to see you at the wedding/have you tried this bean dip?" just in case you get caught off guard.

  
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2016

  nicoalann said:

  My finace and I are having a small wedding. Just counting adults we have 45 people on our guest list. And there are a couple of issues that I don't really know how to deal with.
  
  First off... My FI and I are only having two people each in our WP. We already have them picked out, but we haven't told anyone yet. Problem is that as soon as we announced we were engaged FSIL started planning as though she was my MOH. Asking about dresses, her speech, and that she'll throw the "best bachelorette party everrrrrrr."
  
  How do I tell her that she didn't make the cut? We're only having two people a piece...I'm going with my sister and best friend. Beforehand we just kept telling her that we hadn't made a decision yet...which was true. We hadn't. But now that the decision is made. I'm at a loss.
  
  She has perfected her four step "guilt trip" 1) cry 2) making bitter comments 3) cold shoulder 4) carry a grudge for the rest of eternity. You should have seen what happened when I flat out refused to let her watch in the delivery room.
  
  So, knowing how she reacts to things like this, I kind of just want to ignore her until she gets the hint, but I don't think that'd be very mature of me. Lol.
  
  Help? Advice?

  Wedding parties do not have to be split on gender lines.  If your fiance wants her to stand up with him, he should ask her.  Even sides are not a thing.  It's perfectly okay if he has two guys and a girl, and you have two girls.
  
  Parties, like the best bachelorette party everrrrr, do not have to be thrown only by your bridal party.  She can throw you a shower or B party if she offers and you accept.  What she can't do is pass along the cost of a party that she plans on to other women such as your bridesmaids.
  
  Wait until you're around 6-9 months out from your wedding before you ask anyone to be in your wedding party.  Relationships can change, even with a BFF or sister, and even potentially with your FSIL.  Maybe you'll get closer to her in the next couple months and will decide you really genuinely want to have her standing next to you on your wedding day.  It will feel to her like she's an afterthought if you ask 2 people 18 months before your wedding and ask her 7 months before.
  
  If she guilt-trips you, tell her flat-out that you have a child and don't have time for adult children, and hang up or walk away.  "My decision has been made.  I'm sorry you don't like it, but you don't get to act like a child with me.  I am not your mother."

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• JediElizabeth member

  

  January 2016

  nicoalann said:

  My finace and I are having a small wedding. Just counting adults we have 45 people on our guest list. And there are a couple of issues that I don't really know how to deal with.
  
  First off... My FI and I are only having two people each in our WP. We already have them picked out, but we haven't told anyone yet. Problem is that as soon as we announced we were engaged FSIL started planning as though she was my MOH. Asking about dresses, her speech, and that she'll throw the "best bachelorette party everrrrrrr."
  
  How do I tell her that she didn't make the cut? We're only having two people a piece...I'm going with my sister and best friend. Beforehand we just kept telling her that we hadn't made a decision yet...which was true. We hadn't. But now that the decision is made. I'm at a loss.
  
  She has perfected her four step "guilt trip" 1) cry 2) making bitter comments 3) cold shoulder 4) carry a grudge for the rest of eternity. You should have seen what happened when I flat out refused to let her watch in the delivery room.
  
  So, knowing how she reacts to things like this, I kind of just want to ignore her until she gets the hint, but I don't think that'd be very mature of me. Lol.
  
  Help? Advice?

  PPs have it covered, but can we talk about the bolded for a moment. WHAT???
  
  Do you have any relationship with her aside from your FI (a friendship, where you two go out without him, etc?)? This just seems insane to me!

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  January 2016

  
  
  Don't do this.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• nicoalann member

  

  January 2016

  I totally agree with not telling anyone or asking anyone. It's way too far away for that. We know who we'd like to stand up with us, and made decisions, but we know things change all the time. My fiance doesn't want her to stand up with him... they have a very ebb-and-flow relationship. Sometimes things are all good, other times they hardly speak. 
  
  JediElizabeth Lmao! Yeah, she insisted she was going to be in the room with a camera so she could "watch that little boy be born." I told her no, hell no, nope, not a chance.... every time she asked eventually I freaked and promised to buy her a mirror for her own labor if she wanted to watch one. She was pissed for a while.
  
  We don't go out together at all. He has a different sister that I spend time with and she's far more levelheaded... but this particular sister we don't really see all that often. She lives several hours away, when there is a visit we go to her. This is the same girl who started telling everyone I was her sister after the second time I met her.
  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  January 2016

  I'm not a fan of telling a lie - now Bean Dipping - I can get fully behind.  And don't do the "ask her to do a reading" out of obligation.  Be honest, and go ahead and tell her "you're not in the WP", let her be PO'd, and be o.k. with it!  Better to get it over now than have her plan your entire wedding night! 

  That said...  This is a "Blood talks to blood" topic given the drama likely to follow.  I'd have your FI talk to his parents to let them know that discussion is coming and I'd also recommend he break the news to her - having your FI tell her "we've been talking about who we'd like to have in the WP, and we know you've made some comments previously, and while you're welcome to plan a shower if you'd like, though we don't expect it, we're having an incredibly small WP and you're not going to be one of the BM's or GW (and if there is a in what other capacity would you/she be interested in being involved this is the time to have that discussion)".. 

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• drunkenwitch member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  I can't get past demanding to be in the delivery room with a camera. A camera. Holy boundary stomping bullshit Batman. I don't have kids, not going to have kids but I firmly believe that the person pushing the tiny human out of her body is the only one who gets to decide who is with her when it happens.
  
  ETA spelling hard

  

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• glasgowtolondon member

  

  January 2016

  Demanding to watch in the delivery room???
  
  
  

  giphy-facebook_s.jpg 107.7K

               

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1452135208 said:

  
  JediElizabeth Lmao! Yeah, she insisted she was going to be in the room with a camera so she could "watch that little boy be born." I told her no, hell no, nope, not a chance.... every time she asked eventually I freaked and promised to buy her a mirror for her own labor if she wanted to watch one. She was pissed for a while.
  

  ROFL!!!  Awesome response!!

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  January 2016

  OP's all
  
  STOP LOOKING AT MY VAJAYJAY!
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• thefanciestbeckler member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  Gotta love a good Grey's reference. Well played, @holyguacamole79, well played.
  
  ETA words and punctuation
  

  
  

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• nicoalann member

  

  January 2016

  I like the idea of making FI tell her lol, he can deal with her. But I'll just have to reiterate when she comes to me anyways. Well, thankfully there is quite a bit of time before hand. Then she'll have several months more to stew on it, be as ridiculous as she likes.
  
  She's definitely a piece of work. She must have gotten the idea because she didn't even bring up coming to the hospital when I had my daughter lol
  
  
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1452135208 said:

  I totally agree with not telling anyone or asking anyone. It's way too far away for that. We know who we'd like to stand up with us, and made decisions, but we know things change all the time. My fiance doesn't want her to stand up with him... they have a very ebb-and-flow relationship. Sometimes things are all good, other times they hardly speak. 
  
  JediElizabeth Lmao! Yeah, she insisted she was going to be in the room with a camera so she could "watch that little boy be born." I told her no, hell no, nope, not a chance.... every time she asked eventually I freaked and promised to buy her a mirror for her own labor if she wanted to watch one. She was pissed for a while.
  
  
  

  Hahahaha! Awesome response.
  
  I just will never understand why anyone would want to witness another person's birth, let alone how anyone could think someone would be totally on board with family and friends watching and photographing their vagina in the process of expelling a child.
  
  Why is this a thing?!

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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