Moms and Maids

My mom is crazy...

So my parents have decided they want to be involved in FI's and my wedding...when it's now 5 months away. Ok, cool, thanks for the added funds but we have pretty much EVERYTHING booked/scheduled/chosen etc. I explained this to them saying we have every intention of funding 100% of the wedding and since there had been very much disinterest on their part from day 1, we took it upon ourselves to venue/vendor shop and book/put deposits down. They agreed to whatever we have already booked and offered to pay the remainder of any costs for venue, DJ, photographer. FI and I talked it over and agreed to accept their offer, as we just bought a house and are going to settlement very soon. This is a weight off our shoulders, even though we had already made payment plans and arrangements with all vendors to keep ourselves from becoming flat broke. Awesome, thanks mom & dad.
Just before the holidays I met with my mom and sister to order her bridesmaid dress and my mom immediately starts in on how the DJ has over-billed and she's going to call him and she disagrees with how everything is progressing with this vendor. Whoa, what do you mean? I had a quote/receipt from when we put our deposit down of what was left to pay and kept each subsequent receipt so I would have an accurate log of costs. Mom continues with her rant about how she asked for a receipt and instead got a bill , and oh yeah, how my SISTER has requested a few songs to be added to the list of "must plays" and was told by the DJ he would check with me and FI before compiling a list of songs from others. Apparently this was unacceptable and my mom seems to think we should find someone else. I was in shock at what she was telling me and honestly didn't even hear anything after that point as I was trying to rush the purchase along so I could leave and begin damage control with our DJ.
Once I left the dress shop, I immediately got in touch with our DJ to apologize for any interaction he may have had with my lunatic of a mother. He was amazingly understanding and said he had not dealt with my mom, but instead with my dad who asked about the discrepancy in a very adult and pleasant way. THANK GOD. I then asked him to contact FI or me if any other questions arise rather than deal with my parents and he was completely professional and handled everything perfectly.
I talked to my dad over Christmas and he let me know that he is handling all interactions with all parties involved as he knows my mom loses her mind over the smallest things without actually finding out the whole truth. Between my sister and my mom, it's a huge surprise that my sister's wedding even happened at all.
I am so happy our vendors have been in this game long enough to handle these things with grace and professionalism! 
End rant (sorry it's long!)

Re: My mom is crazy...

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    So my parents have decided they want to be involved in FI's and my wedding...when it's now 5 months away. Ok, cool, thanks for the added funds but we have pretty much EVERYTHING booked/scheduled/chosen etc. I explained this to them saying we have every intention of funding 100% of the wedding and since there had been very much disinterest on their part from day 1, we took it upon ourselves to venue/vendor shop and book/put deposits down. They agreed to whatever we have already booked and offered to pay the remainder of any costs for venue, DJ, photographer. FI and I talked it over and agreed to accept their offer, as we just bought a house and are going to settlement very soon. This is a weight off our shoulders, even though we had already made payment plans and arrangements with all vendors to keep ourselves from becoming flat broke. Awesome, thanks mom & dad.
    Just before the holidays I met with my mom and sister to order her bridesmaid dress and my mom immediately starts in on how the DJ has over-billed and she's going to call him and she disagrees with how everything is progressing with this vendor. Whoa, what do you mean? I had a quote/receipt from when we put our deposit down of what was left to pay and kept each subsequent receipt so I would have an accurate log of costs. Mom continues with her rant about how she asked for a receipt and instead got a bill , and oh yeah, how my SISTER has requested a few songs to be added to the list of "must plays" and was told by the DJ he would check with me and FI before compiling a list of songs from others. Apparently this was unacceptable and my mom seems to think we should find someone else. I was in shock at what she was telling me and honestly didn't even hear anything after that point as I was trying to rush the purchase along so I could leave and begin damage control with our DJ.
    Once I left the dress shop, I immediately got in touch with our DJ to apologize for any interaction he may have had with my lunatic of a mother. He was amazingly understanding and said he had not dealt with my mom, but instead with my dad who asked about the discrepancy in a very adult and pleasant way. THANK GOD. I then asked him to contact FI or me if any other questions arise rather than deal with my parents and he was completely professional and handled everything perfectly.
    I talked to my dad over Christmas and he let me know that he is handling all interactions with all parties involved as he knows my mom loses her mind over the smallest things without actually finding out the whole truth. Between my sister and my mom, it's a huge surprise that my sister's wedding even happened at all.
    I am so happy our vendors have been in this game long enough to handle these things with grace and professionalism! 
    End rant (sorry it's long!)

    That's the tricky part about parents helping to pay for weddings .... he/she who pays gets a say. Good luck!
    MesmrEweJediElizabethMairePoppy
  • I agree, I would keep you and your FI as the contacts with the vendors.

    Let your parents re-imburse you, or write you a cheque when the time comes, whatever they are most comfortable with.

    That was inappropriate what your sister did, but your DJ handled it well- "I need to clear that with the B&G first". I would also re-iterate this to any other of your vendors- no changes or additions are to be made without approval of yourself or FI. At least your dad sounds like he has a calm head on his shoulders! 
    charlotte989875
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Good for your dad.

    I agree with PPs to clarify for your vendors that only you and your FI are authorized to make requests, to change or cancel any orders, or sign contracts.

    And even though your parents' offer to pay for any open balances seemed generous at the time, since they who pay get a say and your mom (and sister, who isn't paying) used her financial leverage inappropriately, I would continue to plan to pay the rest of your wedding costs and not discuss the minutiae of your plans with your mom.
    JediElizabethSP29
  • Seems like your Dad is the level headed one, thank God.  Remember, YOU signed those contracts so the terms can't be changed just because someone else decided to pay off the balance.  Make sure your vendors know explicitly that the only people who can make changes to the contract are you and FI and if anyone calls with questions have them refer the caller to you.
    Yes, he/she who pays has a say, but contracts and details are under contract now so it becomes a moot point if they don't like how things were arranged.  They can pay the balance or, if insanity really rares its ugly head you can refuse their money.  
  • Yes, my dad has handled it gracefully, for which we are very grateful and happy. We have taken the time to refresh our contacts with our vendors and venue and everyone is on the same page: FI and I are to be contacted with any questions or clarifications as we are the contractually signed parties, and my dad has agreed that in the event another "problem" does arise, he will direct everything to us for resolution. 
    I have since discussed with my mom how inappropriate her comments and demands were, as well as what my sister tried to pull, and her only response was "well your sister ran HER wedding much more efficiently." Ok, meaning she was a complete Bridezilla (confirmed by me declining to be in the bridal party and subsequent stories I heard from those who stuck it out) and the generalized look of disgust on the bridal shop owner's face when I returned with her to order the dress for my wedding. There is definitely a difference in treatment toward me than toward my sister/mom, but that is a whole different story....
    Thanks, everyone, for your input and support!
    SP29
  • her only response was "well your sister ran HER wedding much more efficiently." 
    Oh nice. Let it roll off your back. If you need to you can remind her that regardless, you will still be married at the end of the day and that is all that matters. Or you can tell her, "well it's not your wedding, so don't worry about it- I'm not!".

    I've said that last one to my mom a few times over the years, about random things. My mother is very supportive, but she gets easily "excited" about things, where I am much more calm. So I remind her it doesn't affect her, and she needs to relax ;)
    OliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    SP29 said:
    her only response was "well your sister ran HER wedding much more efficiently." 
    Oh nice. Let it roll off your back. If you need to you can remind her that regardless, you will still be married at the end of the day and that is all that matters. Or you can tell her, "well it's not your wedding, so don't worry about it- I'm not!".

    I've said that last one to my mom a few times over the years, about random things. My mother is very supportive, but she gets easily "excited" about things, where I am much more calm. So I remind her it doesn't affect her, and she needs to relax ;)
    Or, "I'm not in a competition, so wedding comparisons don't impress me."
  • I have used the line "well it's not really about YOU (or sister) is it? Ok then, this is how WE want it" ...
    I am not too worried about pulling out of the deal that they will continue to provide funds as FI and I are more than capable and willing to pay our own way as we planned from the beginning. The only thing I was worried about was our vendors pulling out because of my mom being a lunatic! I have been surprisingly and happily assured that our vendors are much more professional than that, and have had many years of experience working together with our venue (they all came recommended although not required) and we are glad we went with the recommendations. We are confident our special day will run as smoothly as possible :smiley: 
  • I have used the line "well it's not really about YOU (or sister) is it? Ok then, this is how WE want it" ...
    I am not too worried about pulling out of the deal that they will continue to provide funds as FI and I are more than capable and willing to pay our own way as we planned from the beginning. The only thing I was worried about was our vendors pulling out because of my mom being a lunatic! I have been surprisingly and happily assured that our vendors are much more professional than that, and have had many years of experience working together with our venue (they all came recommended although not required) and we are glad we went with the recommendations. We are confident our special day will run as smoothly as possible :smiley: 

    I'm glad it's working out, and that you & your dad have good heads on your shoulders. You seem to be dealing with this well!

    Change your name and stick around!
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