Cousins

drid · January 2016

I know this has been asked an answered many times, but I'm just still not confident on what I want to do here. We are trying to start nailing down a solid guest list so we can start getting some estimates from venues, and we are trying to keep our guest list to about 50. My aunt has a blended family which consists of 5 adult children. I only have a close relationship with one of them, who happens to be the youngest and still lives at home. Three are currently married (and I wasn't invited to their weddings, but that's not the point), if I invite all 5 plus SO's it quickly eats up a good chunk of our guest list on people that I don't really care to have there anyways, other than my one cousin. Is it acceptable to only invite her? Our wedding will be a DW for them, we're in AB Canada and they're in ON Canada, so I'm sure they would mostly all say no anyways, but I definitely do not want to have myself in the situation where they all say yes and all of a sudden I have way too many people. I'm just really stuck and not quite sure what to do. I know that if I just leave all five of them out, the cousin that I am close with will be pretty hurt. Thoughts?

Maggie0829 · January 2016

This is a know your family type of thing. Will it cause major drama with your Aunt if you only invite one of her kids? If not, then invite the one you want. If so, it might be best to not invite any. But if you do decide to invite one of the five know that you aren't doing anything wrong from an etiquette standpoint.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

It's not a tit for tat thing, but if they didn't invite you to their weddings, I can't see them getting hurt or offended by not being invited to yours. I feel like you can comfortably only invite the one cousin you're close to if that's what you want to do.

lyndausvi · January 2016

While weddings are not tit-for-tat, not being invited to the other weddings can set a precedent for your family. Kind-of like "whew, others cousins have gone down the path that everyone isn't invite, I can continue on that path." Sometimes it's a relief.

I say invite the younger one and not the others.

drid · January 2016

Thanks for the input guys! I was kind of feeling that way, it certainly wasn't a big deal that I wasn't invited to their weddings, but I think its a little more acceptable now for me to not invite them to mine. Of course if I had the budget and a huge guest list, I'd be all over having them come out and party!

[Deleted User] · January 2016

drid said:

I know this has been asked an answered many times, but I'm just still not confident on what I want to do here. We are trying to start nailing down a solid guest list so we can start getting some estimates from venues, and we are trying to keep our guest list to about 50. My aunt has a blended family which consists of 5 adult children. I only have a close relationship with one of them, who happens to be the youngest and still lives at home. Three are currently married (and I wasn't invited to their weddings, but that's not the point), if I invite all 5 plus SO's it quickly eats up a good chunk of our guest list on people that I don't really care to have there anyways, other than my one cousin. Is it acceptable to only invite her? Our wedding will be a DW for them, we're in AB Canada and they're in ON Canada, so I'm sure they would mostly all say no anyways, but I definitely do not want to have myself in the situation where they all say yes and all of a sudden I have way too many people. I'm just really stuck and not quite sure what to do. I know that if I just leave all five of them out, the cousin that I am close with will be pretty hurt. Thoughts?

I'm going to admit to not reading the whole post because I got stuck on "we're nailing down a guest list, but want 50 people." Why don't you decide who you want to invite? Better yet, make a list of who you "must" invite, as in, who would it feel incomplete not to have? Then add in the people it would be great to have. Then add in the 'if we had an unlimited budget' people. Set a budget. Get prices of venues that accommodate all three levels of people. Decide what level you feel most comfortable at. Book.

For example, with your budget, you might be able to host your first level of people with a very elegant sit-down meal and an evening of dancing at a very classy ballroom. But you might feel better inviting your second level of people and having a BBQ and pasta in a VFW hall. Or maybe you want to use your 'if we had an unlimited budget' list and serve cake and punch in the church basement.

I think it's more important to invite who you want rather than picking an arbitrary number out of the air.

thisismynickname2 · January 2016

adk19 said:

drid said:

I know this has been asked an answered many times, but I'm just still not confident on what I want to do here. We are trying to start nailing down a solid guest list so we can start getting some estimates from venues, and we are trying to keep our guest list to about 50. My aunt has a blended family which consists of 5 adult children. I only have a close relationship with one of them, who happens to be the youngest and still lives at home. Three are currently married (and I wasn't invited to their weddings, but that's not the point), if I invite all 5 plus SO's it quickly eats up a good chunk of our guest list on people that I don't really care to have there anyways, other than my one cousin. Is it acceptable to only invite her? Our wedding will be a DW for them, we're in AB Canada and they're in ON Canada, so I'm sure they would mostly all say no anyways, but I definitely do not want to have myself in the situation where they all say yes and all of a sudden I have way too many people. I'm just really stuck and not quite sure what to do. I know that if I just leave all five of them out, the cousin that I am close with will be pretty hurt. Thoughts?

I'm going to admit to not reading the whole post because I got stuck on "we're nailing down a guest list, but want 50 people." Why don't you decide who you want to invite? Better yet, make a list of who you "must" invite, as in, who would it feel incomplete not to have? Then add in the people it would be great to have. Then add in the 'if we had an unlimited budget' people. Set a budget. Get prices of venues that accommodate all three levels of people. Decide what level you feel most comfortable at. Book.

For example, with your budget, you might be able to host your first level of people with a very elegant sit-down meal and an evening of dancing at a very classy ballroom. But you might feel better inviting your second level of people and having a BBQ and pasta in a VFW hall. Or maybe you want to use your 'if we had an unlimited budget' list and serve cake and punch in the church basement.

I think it's more important to invite who you want rather than picking an arbitrary number out of the air.

This is excellent advice! I wanted a small wedding too. I had close to 30 people (including room for SOs and plus ones) that were must-haves. MIL said they would give us a large chunck-o-change but a list of 30+ relatives was non-negotiable. Add in some of DH's friends and we ended up with a must-have list of over 80 (again, including phantom seats for plus-ones or future SOs). With the promise of that MIL money plus our own budget and some from my parents, that allowed us to do exactly what ADK described- have a classier, small event at a higher cost per person than a huge event at a cheaper venue and lower cost per person.

So! Is the one cousin on the must-have list and the others on a great to have or more on the unlimited budget only list?

Also, my sister's tiny, no-cousins wedding did indeed set the trend in BIL's family to quit having massive weddings. Everyone was relieved, as the story goes.

SP29 · January 2016

I would invite the one cousin you are close to. Again, know your family, but you wouldn't break etiquette for not inviting all your cousins.

I agree with creating a "must have" and "nice to have" guest list and see what your budget gets you.

drid · January 2016

We've got our budget set solidly, and 50 ish people is what we've decided works for us and enables us to host our guests properly and the way we would like to. Our list right now including those random cousins and all of our must haves and want to haves is at about 60. Subtract those four cousins and their SOs and we're right around the 50 ish mark, where we were hoping to be based on what we are willing to spend based on my research on venues in the area and their costs. 50 people or so is completely realistic for us and I didn't just pick the number out of the air. I based it on what we had on our list so far combined with what we are willing to spend.

Long story short, I'm going to invite the cousin I have a relationship with and not worry about the others.

AddieCake · January 2016

I would only invite the cousin you are close to. It's not like they all live at home, are minors, and will get their feelers hurt. They didn't invite you to their weddings, and even though this stuff isn't tit for tat, it's not likely they care to be invited to yours if they didn't invite you to theirs.

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