Maid of Honor Difficulties

Knottie1452026746 · January 2016

So....we recently got engaged a few weeks ago, and we are leaning towards a wedding date close to the end of this year in November if all goes well. We are planning a small wedding, and I only want two maids. The "clear" choice for my Maid of Honor is my childhood friend. We've known each other literally since we were 5. We have daughters the same age now, and we've maintained contact and Been close off/on. BUT she's not a very involved person and has a bit of a chip on her shoulder because she's not been in a relationship in a very long time. She also recently got fired. I was almost nervous to tell her about my engagement.

The person that I would ask to be my bridesmaid is the exact opposite. Newly married, a super planner, very positive and available. The bridesmaid person has been sending me all these ideas for the wedding and wants to plan my engagement party without me even asking.

It's putting me in an awkward spot because I feel extremely obligated and almost like it would be wrong not to ask my long time, childhood friend to be my Maid of Honor. At the same time, a part of me wonders if the one that I'm planning on asking to be my bridesmaid is thinking I'm going to ask her to be it? It's just awkward.

Is it ok for a bridesmaid to be this involved and helpful? I've been a bridesmaid 3 times, and I was only super involved once because the bride was a bit of a nut. Also, I feel bad almost asking my long time friend to be the Maid of Honor with her being unemployed, but she's made it very clear that she expects to be.

My plan is to formally ask both ladies to be in the wedding later this month.

Any advice and guidance is appreciated.

flantastic · January 2016

Knottie1452026746 said:

So....we recently got engaged a few weeks ago, and we are leaning towards a wedding date close to the end of this year in November if all goes well. We are planning a small wedding, and I only want two maids. The "clear" choice for my Maid of Honor is my childhood friend. We've known each other literally since we were 5. We have daughters the same age now, and we've maintained contact and Been close off/on. BUT she's not a very involved person and has a bit of a chip on her shoulder because she's not been in a relationship in a very long time. She also recently got fired. I was almost nervous to tell her about my engagement. The person that I would ask to be my bridesmaid is the exact opposite. Newly married, a super planner, very positive and available. The bridesmaid person has been sending me all these ideas for the wedding and wants to plan my engagement party without me even asking. It's putting me in an awkward spot because I feel extremely obligated and almost like it would be wrong not to ask my long time, childhood friend to be my Maid of Honor. At the same time, a part of me wonders if the one that I'm planning on asking to be my bridesmaid is thinking I'm going to ask her to be it? It's just awkward. Is it ok for a bridesmaid to be this involved and helpful? I've been a bridesmaid 3 times, and I was only super involved once because the bride was a bit of a nut. Also, I feel bad almost asking my long time friend to be the Maid of Honor with her being unemployed, but she's made it very clear that she expects to be. My plan is to formally ask both ladies to be in the wedding later this month. Any advice and guidance is appreciated.

Ask whom you're closest to to be your MOH, because you want her standing next to you when you get married. You should then ask her privately what is the maximum she'd be comfortable spending on a dress (the only thing you can really require of the WP) and then work within that budget.

Anyone can offer to throw you parties. No one has to. If the BM wants to give you ideas and throw you a party, you can accept or decline that help. If your MOH doesn't offer to do those things, that's fine - it's not a requirement of being MOH or in the bridal party.

mrsconn23 · January 2016

My maid of honor was my BFF who was not very organized or motivated to plan anything. We were 23 and she just wasn't into it. I think if I got married today, it may be a different story.

My sister, on the other hand, is a super organized planner type person. She spear-headed all the bridesmaid 'stuff' (shower, bachelorette, etc.)

There was no animosity or jealousy. I think BFF was relieved to have someone else to put in all the work and it's my sister's thing to be a planner.

I gave my sister a really nice and expensive bday present to thank her for all her help with my wedding stuff.

Knottie1452026746 · January 2016

Thank you!!! This is all a little new to me, so I just didn't want my long time friend to feel left out with the BM being so involved. This is great advice.

MobKaz · January 2016

Is your childhood friend married? If she is not, then she could be your Maid of Honor and the other married friend could be your Matron of Honor. Or both women could be your bridesmaids. The titles are in the end, rather meaningless. No one, however, should be designated dependent on how "involved" they are with YOUR wedding plans.

Knottie1452026746 · January 2016

My MOH isn't married, but I definitely believe that if I titled her a "Bridesmaid", she would be very upset. In addition, if I made the other girl a Matron of Honor (because she is married), my MOH would probably feel upset. She definitely feels like the title is important and has expressed on more than one occasion how she expects to be my MOH etc...etc...

Knottie1452026746 · January 2016

Honestly, now that I'm thinking about things, in every wedding I've been in as the Bridesmaid--I always planned the Bachelorette party

So hopefully my MOH will not make a big deal about the bridesmaid wanting to be so involved and plan things for me.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

Knottie1452026746 said:

My MOH isn't married, but I definitely believe that if I titled her a "Bridesmaid", she would be very upset. In addition, if I made the other girl a Matron of Honor (because she is married), my MOH would probably feel upset. She definitely feels like the title is important and has expressed on more than one occasion how she expects to be my MOH etc...etc...

Knottie1452026746 said:

Honestly, now that I'm thinking about things, in every wedding I've been in as the Bridesmaid--I always planned the Bachelorette party So hopefully my MOH will not make a big deal about the bridesmaid wanting to be so involved and plan things for me.

I honestly think that your decision on "titles" should be independent of the childhood friend (MOH)'s possible reaction. However, don't name your other friend as a MOH just because she will be more "willing" to do more work.

FWIW, I helped my SIL out with her wedding quite a bit (especially since we got married 3 months apart and I lived less than 5 miles from her at the time). Her MOH wasn't as involved, and it didn't bother me one bit.

Knottie1443143973 · January 2016

If you're only having two BMs, is it really necessary to designate one as the MOH? It seems like you're very close to both friends in different ways, and having a MOH needlessly ranks one over the other.

MobKaz · January 2016

Knottie1443143973 said:

If you're only having two BMs, is it really necessary to designate one as the MOH? It seems like you're very close to both friends in different ways, and having a MOH needlessly ranks one over the other.

I agree. One friend is married, the other is not. This is why I suggested one be the Matron of Honor and the other the Maid of Honor. Apparently the Maid of Honor does want to be ranked in order of importance. I think the issue seems to be one of ego/maturity more than anything else.

Knottie1452026746 · January 2016

You all offer great advice. I do have to say that the long term friend does have a teeny bit of an ego about it. I do like the idea of designating both of them as my Maid and Matron of Honor because honestly it's an honor to me to that they are going to be in my wedding. The one that is taking it upon herself to be so involved would not be offended at all I believe with the title of a bridesmaid though. I also don't want anyone to think that I'm going to "rank" them based on the work they put in. I'm fully ok with neither putting in any work and just being there for me on the day of my wedding. I understand they don't have some responsibility to me. I was just caught off guard by the enthusiasm of my one friend as soon as I got engaged versus my long term friend. It's new to me, and I don't want to make either of them feel uncomfortable about it with "titles" or some hierarchy.
I don't want to make either of them feel excluded or less important. All that being said, I still cringe at the thought of telling my long term friend that I would also have a matron of honor. I'm pretty sure she will feel less important.

like I said, it is a bit of an ego thing for her. And wouldn't want still technically be "ranked" over the other? Doesn't the MOH hold the flowers and stand closer to the bride?

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Knottie1452026746 said:

You all offer great advice. I do have to say that the long term friend does have a teeny bit of an ego about it. I do like the idea of designating both of them as my Maid and Matron of Honor because honestly it's an honor to me to that they are going to be in my wedding. The one that is taking it upon herself to be so involved would not be offended at all I believe with the title of a bridesmaid though. I also don't want anyone to think that I'm going to "rank" them based on the work they put in. I'm fully ok with neither putting in any work and just being there for me on the day of my wedding. I understand they don't have some responsibility to me. I was just caught off guard by the enthusiasm of my one friend as soon as I got engaged versus my long term friend. It's new to me, and I don't want to make either of them feel uncomfortable about it with "titles" or some hierarchy. I don't want to make either of them feel excluded or less important. All that being said, I still cringe at the thought of telling my long term friend that I would also have a matron of honor. I'm pretty sure she will feel less important. like I said, it is a bit of an ego thing for her. And wouldn't want still technically be "ranked" over the other? Doesn't the MOH hold the flowers and stand closer to the bride?

You are really making this into a bigger deal then it is.

If your friends ego gets bruised because she doesn't get to hold your flowers then she has issues. And even if you make them both MOHs someone will still have to stand closer to you then the other. Because unless they stand on top of one another, there is no way around it.

At this point you need to just decide for yourself what you want to do. If your one friend gets butt hurt over whatever you decide then that is something that she needs to deal with and get over.

Knottie1452026746 · January 2016

Ok thank you! I've figured it out.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

Knottie1452026746 said:
Ok thank you! I've figured it out.

What did you decide?

Knottie1452026746 · January 2016

I'm having a Maid of Honor and Matron of Honor. They are both good friends, and since I'm only having two in my wedding, it makes sense to me. Thanks!

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