Gifts for showers you can't attend?

Re: Gifts for showers you can't attend?

• Heffalump member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  If it's someone I'm close to and care about, then I usually send a gift if I would have attended but couldn't.  You certainly aren't required to, but I do because I genuinely want them to have that gift.
  
  Why was your SM asking?  Was it like "I haven't decided if I'm sending a gift" or "Wondering if you want to go in on something together," or was it more of a prompt?  Because if it was the latter, that's not cool.  So hopefully it wasn't, and I'm suffering from TK entitlement paranoia.
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2016

  ginnybinny17 said:

  I know this isn't strictly about weddings and more showers, so sorry in advance --

  What's the etiquette for sending gifts for showers you're unable to attend?  A relative of mine (a step-cousin) is having a baby shower this month in a different state than me, so I can't attend.  My stepmother has asked me if I'm sending a gift.  It seemed weird to me to send a gift when I won't be there, but I might just be etiquette-challenged.  What's the general rule?

  Thanks!

  Well, gifts are never required, so no, you don't have to send a gift.  If you choose to send a gift, you do not have to time it to arrive for the shower.  I'd check out her registry now, see what looks cute, and maybe buy a gift AFTER everyone at the shower has bought gifts.  Since it's just arriving in the mail, and won't be opened at a shower, you won't have to worry about things being cute a having a matching themed gift.  So you can buy the "leftovers" like burp cloths, nipple cream, and other things that the new mom will need but that likely won't be bought by people for a shower.

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• frenchiekin member

  

  January 2016

  I always send something if I can't attend, unless the situation feels gift-grabby to me.  If it's someone I don't know very well inviting me to a shower, I will probably not send anything... because why are you inviting me?  Also, if SM is trying to prompt/guilt you into sending a gift as Heffa mentioned, that would turn me off.  Hopefully not the case.
  
  You should do what you feel comfortable with/what you can afford.

  
  

  
  

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• banana468 member

  

  January 2016

  My philosophy is: If the only reasons I'm declining are logistical issues then I send a gift.   If I think you're milking me like a cow, I don't send.
  
  Ex: My MIL invited the GF of DH's cousin to my bridal shower.   I'd never met the GF and my MIL met her maybe once.   I don't know why MIL even put her on the list.   No hard feelings on the lack of gift.
  
  I didn't go to the baby shower for DH's cousin due to timing issues.   Gift was sent to the house for delivery after the shower. 

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• ginnybinny17 member

  

  January 2016

  Thanks for the advice, all!  This is a shower for someone in the family I don't know very well (I've met her maybe four times?) so I might hold off.

  (It didn't seem like my SM was trying to prompt me into buying anything -- she was asking if I was sending anything because if I wasn't, she could put my name on the gift she was giving and make it from her and me both.)

  
  

  

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  January 2016

  If I'm invited to a baby shower of someone I care about, I would send a gift if I can't attend. I've even sent baby gifts to people I care about with no shower involved; like an out-of-state coworker I talk to all the time. 
  
  Bridal shower? Nope! I take the stance that a shower is the convenient mechanism for giving wedding gifts. I'll either send a boxed gift that is my wedding gift or give cash at the wedding itself. 

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• CharmedPam member

  

  January 2016

  I was invited to my friend's baby shower, we're not too too close - but I was out of town that weekend.  I sent her something anyway, probably a bit smaller than what I would have given had I gone, but wanted to send her a little "congrats" gift anyway. 

  
  

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  January 2016

  I was recently invited to two baby showers (different mothers) that I couldn't attend because of logistics. I sent gifts anyway. To one I sent it to the sister of the mother so that she could take it to the shower. The other I just sent to the home of the mother.

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• peachy13 member

  

  January 2016

  There's an upcoming baby shower that I cannot attend, but I am sending the parents-to-be a $50 Target gift card (where they are registered) in a nice card and writing a little apology note for missing the shower. It's not required, but I personally would feel strange not doing something like that.
  
  On another note, about 3/4 of the people who missed my bridal shower sent me a gift anyway, in the form of actual presents mailed to my house or my mother's house, and also in the form of money/gift cards in a card. The other 1/4 I didn't receive any gift, and that was totally fine.

  
  
  
  

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• SP29 member

  

  January 2016

  Depends on the relationship. If I am close enough to someone that I would want to go, even if I couldn't, then I'm close enough that generally, I'd *want* to give them a gift to celebrate. Otherwise, I wouldn't. 
  
  Since your Aunt offered, you could give her a bit of money towards whatever she is buying and sign both names to the card. 

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2016

  Depends.   My SILs shower was a month ago.  I could not attend because it was cross country.  I sent her a car seat.    
  
  My cousin's daughter who I met once sent me a shower invitation.   Again cross country.  No gift was sent.  I felt like it was a gift grab invite.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  January 2016

  ginnybinny17 said:

  Thanks for the advice, all!  This is a shower for someone in the family I don't know very well (I've met her maybe four times?) so I might hold off.

  (It didn't seem like my SM was trying to prompt me into buying anything -- she was asking if I was sending anything because if I wasn't, she could put my name on the gift she was giving and make it from her and me both.)

  I'd give the SM the value of what you'd spend and do it as a joint gift...  Nothing wrong with that idea and considerate of SM to consider it IMO...

  Those types of things are all about dynamic, it's an invitation not a subpoena.  When it's a gift grabby invite - I'm with the others in either skipping it or doing something token.  (For baby gifts I do misc. nickel and dime type items  such as nuk/toy holders, dishwasher cage, wash cloths, changing pad, bibs, kids forks/spoons, sippy cups, etc. that I can really go simple or I can go overboard depending on the relationship with the recipient)
  

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