Hi everyone. I'm a long time lurker and I never post on these boards, but I'm concerned for a family member and I am not sure what to do about it. This might be a bit long, sorry. I feel kind of terrible posting about this on the internet but there is no one neutral to whom I can talk to about it.
Is about my cousin and her husband. They have been together since they were teenagers and married for a long time, I love them both and I am extremely close to both of them. I talk to her at least four times a week, sometimes for hours, even though she leaves in another state. They have four small children together.
Their relationship has always been very complicated. They have always fought a lot, almost daily, but that has been since they started; so is nothing new for everyone that knows them.
However, for the last few years, I have noticed that he has gotten increasingly inappropriate and nasty with my cousin. Name calling in a very demeaning way, constant guilt trips and outbursts of anger towards her, and it feels like she is always walking on egg shells so he won't go off. Before she used to talk back to him, but now it seems that she just shuts up and takes it (I'm thinking for the kids).
Recently they came to visit and stayed at my house for a week with her mom, which is my aunt (she lives with them). During that time he made my cousin cry two or three times. I only noticed because he starts telling her off in front of me and her mom, and the kids. Then they locked themselves in the room and were fighting for a long time, this happened several times during their stay. After she came out I saw she had been crying, another time I saw her in the bathroom when I entered by mistake. This was all because she lost a very valuable object that he had given her as a gift, he created such a situation about it that it kind of ruined the last two days of their visit.
This probably isn't any of my business, is their marriage and I should stay out of it. However I feel so bad for her, I love her and hate to see how he treats her. I feel strongly that he is manipulating her, and psychologically abusing her. (I couldn't control myself and kind of told her this, and that she should not allow him to talk to her like that, especially in front of others and the kids. I realize I might have overstepped some boundaries there) She told me she was just trying to keep the peace because she didn't want to create a bigger scene. I feel terrible because I don't know if I am just being more horrible to her by bringing it up.
My cousins' self-esteem is so incredibly low, and he keeps putting her down constantly, telling her she can't do anything right. She actually repeats this about herself and says is her fault that he gets like that, because she can't do anything right and is always causing him to get irritated. I believe she has internalized it.
He continues being the nicest to everyone else (including me) while talking to her like that, and even tries to get us to side with him when putting her down (which of course we don't do).
Even though we are close and continue speaking a lot, she has not talked to me about what happened after they left. She vented to me for a bit after all the ordeal of the fight had happened and he was inside their room (which is when I told her what I thought), but we didn't have time to talk about it without him around. I told her I believed his actions were manipulative and abusive and they should at least seek professional help, but I think she won't do it. She looks so tired of it, but doesn't know what to do about it, especially with the kids. I don't think he would ever agree to go to a professional since he is one of those people who think that they can't do anything wrong and has a serious superiority complex.
Again, I fully understand I may have gotten involved in this way more than I should have, but I don't know what to do. Should just do nothing? Just be there for her in hopes she realizes she does not deserve this? Should I try to keep talking to my cousin about it, even is she doesn't brings it up? Should I try to say something to him (I am not sure how this would go and I really do not want to cause her more trouble) He and I also talk a lot, and he talks to me about a lot of things, but we have already had some serious arguments due to his personality and the way he is.
Anyways, I might be way out of place with this and I apologize if you feel like I should stop getting my nose in my cousin's marriage, but I really want her to be happy and to stop being treated like that.