Inviting my fiance's ex to the wedding....

Re: Inviting my fiance's ex to the wedding....

• Options

  Jen4948 member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  Well, unless she's paying it certainly isn't up to her who is invited, so I would not discuss the guest list with her. Even if she is paying, she has no say in who participates in the wedding.
  
  But I think your FI needs to tell his family, "My marriage to Ex is over. While it's nice for our children that you are still on good terms with her, she is not my wife anymore and will not be invited to my wedding to Lat1986. Not only that, Lat1986 is to be treated in all respects as my fiancee and as my wife once we are married-NOT Ex. If you won't do that, then unfortunately, Lat1986 and I will feel that we have to stop spending time with you and including you in our lives." And if necessary, he'll have to follow through. Don't speak to them yourself-it's your FI's family, so he needs to be the one to deliver the message.

  Report20 Reply
• Options

  AddieCake member

  

  January 2016

  Have you talked to your fiancé about any of this?

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

  Report8 Reply
• Options

  OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2016

  Lat1986 said:

  Hello,

  I am looking for some feedback regarding inviting my fiancé's ex to my wedding. My fiancé and I both have children from previous relationships. Fiance doesn't have a great relationship with his ex, and they don't communicate much. However, his ex is very close to his family to the point where it has been a struggle for me to get close to his stepmother (who is the only mother figure in his life). Recently I was talking to her about getting a guest list for his side and she immediately asked if I would be inviting his daughters mother. When I said no she got upset and told me that is "part of her family" and she had already talked to her about coming to the wedding! Furthermore, she made it sound like his daughter wouldn't participate in the wedding if her mother wasn't there! I am upset and confused. In my heart, I do not want any ex's at my wedding, especially one I have no relationship with and she treats my fiancé like an incompetent father to begin with. But I am afraid of the further rift it will create with my future mother in law. Any suggestions?

  There are a few things that could come into play.  First, what does your FI think about this?  This is his ex and the mother of his child.  So while your opinion does matter in this, he needs to make the final decision.
  
  As for FSMIL, if she brings up the wedding, do not engage her.  Just say something to placate her for now.  Then later your FI can always come back to her with an answer.  The best thing to remember is you deal with your family and he deals with his.  So when FSMIL asks you something, just say "FI and I haven't decided on x yet, but I will bring up your point when we discuss it."
  
  Also, if you want to insure that your FI's ex does not need to attend.  Make sure the wedding happens on a weekend where your FI has custody.  Then there really would be no reason to invite the ex.  But your FI must tell FSMIL that the ex will not be invited and why. "SM, I know that you view my ex as a "part of the family" but I do not.  She will not be invited to the wedding.  I know that you do not like this decision, but it is a final decision."
  
  If your FFIL and FSMIL are going to be offering any funds to the wedding, it may be attached to your FI's ex being invited.  So either decline any funds or confirm where they want their money to be used.

  

  Report3 Reply
• Options

  Lat1986 member

  

  January 2016

  He wants no part of his ex being at the wedding. They were never married and they barely had a relationship to begin with.

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  Lat1986 member

  

  January 2016

  of course we have discussed it. He doesn't want her there either.

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  AddieCake member

  

  January 2016

  Then I don't understand the problem. He should tell his mother no. 

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

  Report18 Reply
• Options

  crys-crys member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  I had my husband's exes at my wedding. But they were friendly and so were we. You should not be blackmailed into letting someone attend who neither of you wants there. If you are paying for your own wedding, it is no issue. If the family is contributing, you should look into a way to cover the money they would have contributed and pay yourself so they can't blackmail you that way. I find it sad that a woman who must know what it is like to join a family that has already been created (his stepmother) is making your life in this situation so hard. You would think she would have more empathy.

  Report5 Reply
• Options

  MyNameIsNot member

  

  January 2016

  This is your FI's decision. If he doesn't want to invite the ex, he should be the one to discuss it with his step-mother, not you. You should stay out of this. 

  Report9 Reply
• Options

  downtondiva member

  

  January 2016

  If neither you nor your fiance is comfortable with his ex being there, then she should not be invited. He needs to let his stepmother know that the decision is final, and that should be the end of it.

  
  

  Report1 Reply
• Options

  SP29 member

  

  January 2016

  FI needs to deal with this and tell his step mom, "NO". 
  
  You should not feel guilty for not inviting someone you don't have a relationship with.
  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  jenna8984 member

  

  January 2016

  Ex probably doesn't even want to go. Just say no.

  My brother's ex wife wasn't invited to his wedding, but she was totally cool showing up at 8pm to pick up their son and bring him home. He was only 4 years old, so after dinner it was time for him to go rather than getting crabby and falling asleep on the dance floor lol.

                                                                   

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  levioosa member

  

  January 2016

  FI needs to be dealing with this.  Ditto PPs.  Boundaries are your friend, OP.  

  
  

  
  

  

  Report2 Reply
• Options

  short+sassy member

  

  January 2016

  Like the other PPs said.  DO NOT touch this with a 10-foot-pole.  If your FI doesn't want her there, than its on him to communicate that with both his stepmom, his ex, and/or whoever else sticks their nose in.

  If you all are worried there will be an issue with the mother allowing their daughter to go, than (if its not too late) schedule the wedding on a day he will have custody of his daughter anyway.

  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  VicTim328 member

  

  January 2016

  Late to the party, but does he have a court-ordered custody? If not, it could be trickier in making sure he has custody of the daughter on a certain weekend.  The only reason I ask is that your FSMIL made it seem that she and the ex have more control over the situation.
  
  If there isn't a custodial order or agreement, it may be beneficial to try to "play nice" with his daughter's mom.
  
  If there is something in place, then your FSMIL needs to stay out of it, and your FI needs to step up to the plate and deal with it.  It may also require him to talk to the ex about some things.  I understand these things are always difficult, but the only thing you can really do is treat their daughter well. His ex may also be struggling in coming to grips with her no longer being the only maternal figure in DD's life.
  
  Best of luck!
  

  Report2 Reply
• Options

  lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2016

  I've seen exes at weddings before.    However, they have a good relationship with each other.  Which clearly this is not the case.
  
  I want to ditto VicTim328.   If they do not have a court-ordered custody agreement that can change things a little.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  lnixon8 member

  

  January 2016

  You don't have to "get close to" his stepmother.

  
  
  

  Report1 Reply
• Options

  Jen4948 member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  VicTim328 said:

  Late to the party, but does he have a court-ordered custody? If not, it could be trickier in making sure he has custody of the daughter on a certain weekend.  The only reason I ask is that your FSMIL made it seem that she and the ex have more control over the situation.
  
  If there isn't a custodial order or agreement, it may be beneficial to try to "play nice" with his daughter's mom.
  
  If there is something in place, then your FSMIL needs to stay out of it, and your FI needs to step up to the plate and deal with it.  It may also require him to talk to the ex about some things.  I understand these things are always difficult, but the only thing you can really do is treat their daughter well. His ex may also be struggling in coming to grips with her no longer being the only maternal figure in DD's life.
  
  Best of luck!
  

  I'm going to disagree that the absence of a court-ordered custody agreement means you have to invite the ex to your wedding.
  
  This is not to say that you shouldn't be on the best possible terms with the ex, whatever those are-but that's for your FI to determine. And if he doesn't want his ex at his wedding to you, then she shouldn't be invited just to "play nice" with her. If this was a birthday party for your SD-to-be, then "playing nice" might make sense.
  
  But the wedding isn't about his ex. And trying to "play nice" with her about the wedding may be counterproductive, because in order for "making nice" to work, there has to be some amount of goodwill on the ex's part. If there isn't, you'll be tying yourselves into knots trying to jump through all the hoops she sets up for "playing nice" - which is drama you don't need on your wedding day or down the road. So I stand by my above advice about not inviting the ex if both you and your FI are not okay with it. (His stepmother's wishes are irrelevant here.)
  
  As PPs suggest, schedule the wedding for a time when your SD-to-be will be with you anyway, if possible-whether or not there is a court-ordered custody arrangement in place.

  Report0 Reply