Wedding Etiquette Forum

And so it begins... (Invite request response etiquette)

Countless threads on here relate to people inviting themselves, or asking to attend your weddings - so I knew it was coming.

A cousin of mine (addict, in and out of legal trouble and rehab for all of her adult life - according to her mom has been clean for a few months this time) posted on my fb wall asking to come to the wedding. It could be called a heartfelt plea, with a hint of guilt-trip. She said that she particularly wanted to attend as she hadn't seen her extended family in many years. I haven't seen her in a decade, and we've never been close.

Focusing on her message, and not her particularly difficult situation - I've been hearing a similar line from other relatives, who seem to think that my wedding will be a family reunion, and so shouldn't I invite X Y and Z. My family is massive. So instead of inviting everyone and their mom, we're having a small wedding. Although the decision isn't final, I'm not planning to invite any cousins.

My response (in a private fb message): Hi ___, great to hear from you. Glad to see you're doing well. We haven't finalized the guest list for the wedding, but are planning something on the smaller side, and unfortunately don't expect to be able to invite cousins due to size constraints. But it would be great to catch up another time. PMs are best, or email - I'm trying to keep wedding chat out of the public eye due to some privacy issues we've had. Hope to see you soon!

I wanted to respond quickly to this (especially as I was deleting her post off my fb wall), and have since wished that I put more time into it. I'm hoping for your thoughts, feedback, and any ideas of how my response could be improved. I doubt this will be the last, and want to make sure I'm more prepared next time.

Thanks!

Re: And so it begins... (Invite request response etiquette)

  • bizzy592 said:
    Countless threads on here relate to people inviting themselves, or asking to attend your weddings - so I knew it was coming.

    A cousin of mine (addict, in and out of legal trouble and rehab for all of her adult life - according to her mom has been clean for a few months this time) posted on my fb wall asking to come to the wedding. It could be called a heartfelt plea, with a hint of guilt-trip. She said that she particularly wanted to attend as she hadn't seen her extended family in many years. I haven't seen her in a decade, and we've never been close.

    Focusing on her message, and not her particularly difficult situation - I've been hearing a similar line from other relatives, who seem to think that my wedding will be a family reunion, and so shouldn't I invite X Y and Z. My family is massive. So instead of inviting everyone and their mom, we're having a small wedding. Although the decision isn't final, I'm not planning to invite any cousins.

    My response (in a private fb message): Hi ___, great to hear from you. Glad to see you're doing well. We haven't finalized the guest list for the wedding, but are planning something on the smaller side, and unfortunately don't expect to be able to invite cousins all the family due to size constraints. But it would be great to catch up another time. PMs are best, or email - I'm trying to keep wedding chat out of the public eye due to some privacy issues we've had. Hope to see you soon!

    I wanted to respond quickly to this (especially as I was deleting her post off my fb wall), and have since wished that I put more time into it. I'm hoping for your thoughts, feedback, and any ideas of how my response could be improved. I doubt this will be the last, and want to make sure I'm more prepared next time.

    Thanks!
    I like your proposed response in general. Made a few edits. Don't give room for excuses and I wouldn't say cousins in case you end up inviting a few. Your family needs to recognize that weddings are NOT family reunions on the happy couple's dime.

    I think the soft approach about a small wedding may work for now, but also be prepared for it not to work. Someone pulled that on me... I gave a very similar response to you... and she still came back with "Oh but we have to plan travel blah blah so could you let me know..." and my silence on the matter ended up showing her she wasn't invited. 
    ________________________________


  • I like your message, but I'm a little concerned that "we haven't finalized the guest list for the wedding" could be taken as "oh, sorry, we overlooked X, Y, and Z and will add them to the guest list."  Or, it could be taken as "we're willing to invite X, Y, and Z if you'll pay for them," which will result in offers to pay for X, Y, and Z.

    You don't really owe anyone explanations for why X, Y, and Z are not invited.  I'd just say, "Unfortunately, it isn't possible for us to invite everyone we'd like."

  • I agree with eliminating the "we haven't finalized the guest list".  If the list isn't finalized, it leaves room for adding more people and she may think that continued nagging could change the outcome.  I think it should just say "we are planning a small event and unfortunately are unable to invite all of our extended family".  Leave out words that make it seem like guest list is still an open subject (like, "don't EXPECT to be able to invite").  Don't lie and say it's final, but you don't need to advertise that it's still negotiable.

    image 

  • OP, I'm sure you've done this ... but if you haven't already, I would delete this cousin's post off your FB.  
  • I think your reply is good. The "haven't finalized guest list" might leave it open to question, so if you are put in this position again, I'd leave that part out. Otherwise, I think it's polite and to the point. 
  • At least if you go on a rampage there won't be people talking about how you were a "nice, quiet young (wo)man".
    image
  • I'm in the same position as you lol i have people who i haven't seen/talked to in years telling me they want to come to my wedding and i was like "oh I'm sorry but we're having a small wedding due to budget constraints" and i got hit with the "oh that's fine, i can come for the ceremony, leave and eat elsewhere and then come back to party with you!" i was so blindsided by this i had no response! My FI saved me by saying, oh its really small as is just our immediate  families. if he wasn't there i don't know what i would've said!! some people are relentless so be prepared for anything!
  • Lala9414 said:
    I'm in the same position as you lol i have people who i haven't seen/talked to in years telling me they want to come to my wedding and i was like "oh I'm sorry but we're having a small wedding due to budget constraints" and i got hit with the "oh that's fine, i can come for the ceremony, leave and eat elsewhere and then come back to party with you!" i was so blindsided by this i had no response! My FI saved me by saying, oh its really small as is just our immediate  families. if he wasn't there i don't know what i would've said!! some people are relentless so be prepared for anything!
    This is why you (general you) shouldn't explain yourself ;)- 1) because you don't have to and 2) because it gives people room to find a "solution" to the "problem". 

    If you say it's a budget issue, people will come up with various solutions as they'll only come for the dance portion, they won't eat much, they will pay for additional guests they want to bring, their child can share their plate, and so on.

    What Lala9414's FI said is perfect- keeping it small, keeping it immediate family only, or "unfortunately we couldn't invite everyone we wanted to". 

  • SP29 said:
    Lala9414 said:
    I'm in the same position as you lol i have people who i haven't seen/talked to in years telling me they want to come to my wedding and i was like "oh I'm sorry but we're having a small wedding due to budget constraints" and i got hit with the "oh that's fine, i can come for the ceremony, leave and eat elsewhere and then come back to party with you!" i was so blindsided by this i had no response! My FI saved me by saying, oh its really small as is just our immediate  families. if he wasn't there i don't know what i would've said!! some people are relentless so be prepared for anything!
    This is why you (general you) shouldn't explain yourself ;)- 1) because you don't have to and 2) because it gives people room to find a "solution" to the "problem". 

    If you say it's a budget issue, people will come up with various solutions as they'll only come for the dance portion, they won't eat much, they will pay for additional guests they want to bring, their child can share their plate, and so on.

    What Lala9414's FI said is perfect- keeping it small, keeping it immediate family only, or "unfortunately we couldn't invite everyone we wanted to". 

    yeah i no longer go with my original response lol i was just completely shocked she went there! hahaha
  • bizzy592 said:
    Update: I never got a response from that cousin (I didn't really expect to). But apparently she's been sober for several months now, which is great! As an aside, for any of you who read that post, it was her father who was such a peach at Christmas.

    Just got another message from a cousin who isn't invited, who I haven't seen in a decade. Telling me how excited she is to see me and meet my FI, and can she please bring her toddler? She wanted to give me a heads up that he's at a particularly difficult stage right now behaviorally, but that she'd be happy to sit near the back so that his tantrums wouldn't be too disruptive. 

    My reply was similar to the last, with the tentative phrasing removed to be more firm.

    If a tell-all documentary is ever made about me, these will be the relatives who give interviews on how terrible I've always been.
    This is hilarious 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker





This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards