Divorced Parents at the Wedding, Help!

Knottie1453151514 · February 2016

So my parents got a divorce 4 years ago. My dad had been cheating for quite some time. I would really like both parents at my wedding but don't want any drama. My mother cries every time I tell her my dad is coming but I finally convinced her that he would be there. But now she says his new wife of 6 months can't come and his new wife says if she's not invited then he can't go. What do I do?!?!? Do I invite everyone and brace myself for drama? Has anyone had a similar situation?

6fsn · February 2016

It's easier said than done, but I would invite everyone and see what happens. If someone brings up the other person stop the conversation and change it. Let them decide what is most important.

This is probably the first of many times they will try do this- birthdays, graduations, babies, holidays.

mrsconn23 · February 2016

This situation comes up a lot here.

In an ideal world, you tell your mom that your're inviting your dad and his new wife and she's got x number of months to deal with it.

However, if your mom is helping to pay for your wedding, it gets a little stickier. I still think you need to plan to invite your dad and his wife, HOWEVER you need to plan for your mom to pull her funding or to refuse her money if she wants to bar your dad and his new wife from the wedding.

Also, you need to discuss with your mom and dad/stepmom that everyone needs to spend the 8-10 hours together without drama. For your part, make it as easy as possible for them to steer clear of each other. That may mean that tables are as far apart as possible and you don't have a 'brides side' and 'grooms side' for ceremony seating. And invoke the, "Please get along for me, your daughter, on what is supposed to be one of the happiest/best days of my life so that I can have a lovely wedding."

If mom still won't budge, get a trusted friend or family member to be on 'mom watch' during your wedding. That may be a good idea regardless. If you want them there, both your parents should be there and made to feel as welcome as possible.

thefanciestbeckler · February 2016

First of all, I just want to say that I am really sorry you're going through this. My parents got divorced 3 years ago, and my dad had been cheating as well. He got engaged to the woman while he and my mom were still married. I know how bad it sucks!

I don't have much advice from my situation. My father disowned the majority of our family after the divorce (his own mother and siblings included), so I didn't invite him to the wedding.

Technically you can't invite him without inviting his wife. It is considered poor etiquette to invite anyone without their spouse. You could always invite him and his wife, but make sure their seats are away from your mom's seat during the ceremony and at the reception.

OliveOilsMom · February 2016

Knottie1453151514 said:

So my parents got a divorce 4 years ago. My dad had been cheating for quite some time. I would really like both parents at my wedding but don't want any drama. My mother cries every time I tell her my dad is coming but I finally convinced her that he would be there. But now she says his new wife of 6 months can't come and his new wife says if she's not invited then he can't go. What do I do?!?!? Do I invite everyone and brace myself for drama? Has anyone had a similar situation?

You need to invite everyone and prepare to ignore the drama that may ensue. You should tell both of your parents, separately, the next time its brought up. "You will all be invited to the wedding. It is one day and I expect you to all be on your best behavior and act like adults for the day."

Make sure that you seat your parents in different rows, mom first row and dad & his wife in the second row. Or even maybe your mom in the first row, but with FI's parents.

For the reception, allow your parents to host their own table of people they want to sit with. Also have each table on opposite side of the room, but equal distance to your table. You don't want table selection to look like favoritism. If you do parent introductions, perhaps have your parents already seated and they can just briefly stand when the DJ introduces them. That way the 3 of them will not standing in close proximity for any extended period of time.

Even if you mom is not seeing anyone, allow her to bring a friend with her. That may make her feel more comfortable. Also, don't try to force a picture with you and your parents together.

And finally any drama that occurs, just ignore it. It will not reflect poorly on you and your FI. It will only reflect poorly on those participating in the drama. But also, see if you can speak with an aunt/uncle on both of your parents sides, so that they may be able to steer their sibling away from the other spouse to help deflect any potential drama from occurring.

[Deleted User] · February 2016

You have to tell your parents to grow up for your sake, and suck it up for a day. This is their first test of getting along. What if you have kids? Does your mom get to ban your dad from the hospital visiting room? Your child's birthday parties? Music recitals and sporting events? Graduations?

VicTim328 · February 2016

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It totally sucks. It's a tough situation, and unfortunately your wedding is the first of many events to be tested.

Is his new wife the same woman he cheated on your mom with? That would be your dad throwing salt on your mom's wounds IMHO, and regardless of etiquette, and if I were in those shoes, I wouldn't have it in me to invite her.

If it's not the same woman, suck it up and invite her, but try to make your mom as comfortable as possible. If mom prefers her not to be included in processional or not be given corsage, then let that be. Keep them seated far apart, and let them host their own table.

I'd also avoid any of the "How long have you been married?" dances, or parents dance, or anything that would highlight your parents not being together.

Jells2dot0 · February 2016

I had this same problem. My parents had been divorced for 16 years, though!

I sat them both down well in advance, explained how I wanted to keep things fair, but include everyone. I was so nervous that I broke out into hives. It had been the first time they had been in a room together for years. They both looked at me and agreed.

Come wedding day, Dad conveniently forgot about our agreement. We got into an argument, he got incredibly drunk and it was bad. But, everyone who knows what happened knows it was all on him. It made him look bad- not me. I was just dumbfounded that he couldn't act like an adult for a few hours and that he'd go back on his word. However, when I got divorced and was ready to get remarried, we eloped and didn't tell dad until a month after the fact.

So, basically, no matter how much you plan, shit can still happen. It's easy to say, but just remember that it's not a reflection of you, but rather their immaturity.

mrsconn23 · February 2016

VicTim328 said:

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It totally sucks. It's a tough situation, and unfortunately your wedding is the first of many events to be tested.

Is his new wife the same woman he cheated on your mom with? That would be your dad throwing salt on your mom's wounds IMHO, and regardless of etiquette, and if I were in those shoes, I wouldn't have it in me to invite her.

If it's not the same woman, suck it up and invite her, but try to make your mom as comfortable as possible. If mom prefers her not to be included in processional or not be given corsage, then let that be. Keep them seated far apart, and let them host their own table.

I'd also avoid any of the "How long have you been married?" dances, or parents dance, or anything that would highlight your parents not being together.

It's *not* just etiquette here though. A) in these situations, if you want to maintain a relationship with your parents, you have to accept them 'warts and all'...Unfortunately, the 'wart' here is the new wife, B ) if OP does not want to be 'in the middle' then she cannot draw those lines, C) it's a good a time as any to set boundaries with her mom with regard to her dad and his wife being invited for these types of events. It's harder to turn the ship around for a future life event if she lets mom dictate the guest list here.

Is this situation easy? Fuck.no I can't imagine it's going to be comfortable either. And OP I'm sure has her own feelings about the demise of her parent's marriage, but she's also said outright that she wants her dad there and he is married to his new wife. They are a unit and have to be invited as such.

Jells2dot0 · February 2016

mrs.conn23 said:

VicTim328 said:

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It totally sucks. It's a tough situation, and unfortunately your wedding is the first of many events to be tested.

Is his new wife the same woman he cheated on your mom with? That would be your dad throwing salt on your mom's wounds IMHO, and regardless of etiquette, and if I were in those shoes, I wouldn't have it in me to invite her.

If it's not the same woman, suck it up and invite her, but try to make your mom as comfortable as possible. If mom prefers her not to be included in processional or not be given corsage, then let that be. Keep them seated far apart, and let them host their own table.

I'd also avoid any of the "How long have you been married?" dances, or parents dance, or anything that would highlight your parents not being together.

It's *not* just etiquette here though. A) in these situations, if you want to maintain a relationship with your parents, you have to accept them 'warts and all'...Unfortunately, the 'wart' here is the new wife, B ) if OP does not want to be 'in the middle' then she cannot draw those lines, C) it's a good a time as any to set boundaries with her mom with regard to her dad and his wife being invited for these types of events. It's harder to turn the ship around for a future life event if she lets mom dictate the guest list here.

Is this situation easy? Fuck.no I can't imagine it's going to be comfortable either. And OP I'm sure has her own feelings about the demise of her parent's marriage, but she's also said outright that she wants her dad there and he is married to his new wife. They are a unit and have to be invited as such.

The bolded is the situation I was in. My dad cheated on my mom with the new woman. However, after 16+ years, she wasn't really a "new woman" anymore. I knew if I wanted my dad to be a part of my life in any way, I had to be accepting of this woman on some level. That meant including her in certain events, which I very resentfully did.

In my case, the new woman tried desperately to act like my mom, which caused all sorts of problems. She isn't even my dad's wife- she is his partner. Of course, at the wedding, it was my dad and the woman that caused problems, not my mom. So, you can't even just think about mom. You also have to be leery of any lingering resentment with dad.

Hopefully, after some time passes, things simmer down. Both of my parents are much happier without each other and my dad is with the person he is supposed to be with. It just makes for A LOT of discomfort in between.

kimmiinthemitten · February 2016

mrs.conn23 said:

VicTim328 said:

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It totally sucks. It's a tough situation, and unfortunately your wedding is the first of many events to be tested.

Is his new wife the same woman he cheated on your mom with? That would be your dad throwing salt on your mom's wounds IMHO, and regardless of etiquette, and if I were in those shoes, I wouldn't have it in me to invite her.

If it's not the same woman, suck it up and invite her, but try to make your mom as comfortable as possible. If mom prefers her not to be included in processional or not be given corsage, then let that be. Keep them seated far apart, and let them host their own table.

I'd also avoid any of the "How long have you been married?" dances, or parents dance, or anything that would highlight your parents not being together.

It's *not* just etiquette here though. A) in these situations, if you want to maintain a relationship with your parents, you have to accept them 'warts and all'...Unfortunately, the 'wart' here is the new wife, B ) if OP does not want to be 'in the middle' then she cannot draw those lines, C) it's a good a time as any to set boundaries with her mom with regard to her dad and his wife being invited for these types of events. It's harder to turn the ship around for a future life event if she lets mom dictate the guest list here.

Is this situation easy? Fuck.no I can't imagine it's going to be comfortable either. And OP I'm sure has her own feelings about the demise of her parent's marriage, but she's also said outright that she wants her dad there and he is married to his new wife. They are a unit and have to be invited as such.

QFT - like it or not and right or wrong your father married this woman and they are now a unit and your parents relationship to each other married or not is separate from your relationship to them.

And like PP have said, this is just the first of many situations they'll have to learn to be in the same room together. You can empathize with your mother and the pain it must be bring it. You may also accommodate her with a date, separate seating etc but not inviting your father and or his new wife is a relationship damaging move that says you're picking sides.

MandTFebruary62011 · February 2016

I'm kind of in a similar situation. Only my parents have been divorced for 20+ years and my step mom is wife #3. My mom just has not ever moved on past her anger at my dad which has also resulted in her hating him and my step mom. I totally get it, I'm nervous about it and I know she is likely to make inappropriate comments that hurt me and cause stress. I'm not very close with my step mom but we have worked hard at getting as close as I can.

Luckily, I'm over 30 and have a sister (who is also inappropriate about my dad and step mom but can wrangle my mom away from me if she's being rude). I think it might be time to sit down at lunch with your mom, face to face, and explain that you intend to invite who you want. If mom is giving you money, she may pull the plug on that so just be prepared. It's also a good idea to sit down with your dad and his wife and talk with them to get an idea where they are.

Other posters have it on point, your parents will have to find a way to co exist as this is only the first of many events where they will need to be cordial adults. It's hard when the tables turn and we kids need to remind our parents to respect each other.

I feel you... I'm sorry you're stuck here. This kind of drama can put a HUGE damper on a happy time.

Heffalump · February 2016

Everything @mrs.conn23 and @Jells2dot0 said, above. I was also in this situation: my father cheated on my mother for years with his now-second wife, said they broke it off and didn't, the whole messy enchilada. They eventually divorced, he married the other woman, and several years later I got married. There is no love lost between my mom and my dad/wife #2, but everyone was civil leading up to and during the wedding, because they're adults who love their kids more than they dislike each other.

All that my mother asked is that she not have to sit next to them, whether at the ceremony or the reception. That was an easy request to fulfill. Parents who place inappropriate demands on their kids are completely out of line. They don't get to dictate who is and is not invited.* Putting their kids in the middle puts unnecessary stress on everyone, and what does it accomplish? Does it turn back the clock and right the wrongs? No, it just keeps everyone stuck in the past. And it's not a one time thing: if you have siblings, they might get married; there might be grandchildren, in which case there will be birthdays, graduations, etc. They can't avoid each other for the rest of their lives, much as they might like to.

OP, tell your mother that of course you are inviting both of your parents to your wedding, and of course that necessitates inviting your dad's new wife. And if she can't put her feelings aside for a few hours to see her daughter get married, then it's her choice, and she will be greatly missed. The end.

* If parents are footing the bill, then of course they get a say, but IMO it does not extend to things like excluding your child's other parent, inviting half of a couple, etc.

Knottie1453151514 · February 2016

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have two good things going for me. First the wedding is being funded 100% by myself and my fiance. Secondly the woman my dad married is someone he meet AFTER the divorce. So I guess my mom will just have to deal with it. I'll definitely put someone on mom watch though! And maybe even have my maid of honor watch for drama and keep me away.

KatWAG · February 2016

Knottie1453151514 said:

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have two good things going for me. First the wedding is being funded 100% by myself and my fiance. Secondly the woman my dad married is someone he meet AFTER the divorce. So I guess my mom will just have to deal with it. I'll definitely put someone on mom watch though! And maybe even have my maid of honor watch for drama and keep me away.

Please don't task your MOH with this. Speak to your mom ahead of time. If she acts out, she will look stupid. No need to drag other people into the drama, like your MOH.

Divorced Parents at the Wedding, Help!

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