Destination Bachelorette Party

[Deleted User] · February 2016

I haven't really asked my bridesmaids yet, so I thought I would run it past you guys. I've never been on or heard of thoughts about (around my rural area) of a destination bachelorette...

I recently got engaged, and my fiancé had a trip with the guys planned (since Christmas) to Las Vegas for this coming December (that they just decided to ‘make’ a bachelor party when they heard the news)…so this got me thinking…if they get to go on a mini trip, then us girls should get to too!

I told my two (only two I know!) bridesmaids this over our weekly weekend dinner, and I have always wanted to go to Miami (from Minnesota) and blurted it out without really thinking first and they both were VERY VERY excited about it.

I’ve been bored at work tonight and pricing this out and sort of filling out this little trip. I’m thinking of 3 or 4 nights at the beginning of January-ish.

I was reading up on the clubs in Miami, and this situation feels kind of stressful for me, with all the dress requirements and the stress of worrying about not being “hot” enough…us three aren't the thin, tall, swimsuit models they seem to expect...we're MN country girls and I don't want my bachelorette party to be tainted by horrible club owners and bouncers, I want all three of our different body types to be welcome.

So then I got to thinking of Cancun Mexico, its actually pretty price competitive compared to Miami. I’ve been there before, and the clubs and whole vibe is super laid back, all that they care is that you bought a ticket to get in the club (stress free!)

There is also the fact that we would get an all inclusive hotel in Cancun and not in Miami. So for almost the same price, food and drinks are included. The only difference is flight prices really, and not by that much either.

Then the third option is New Orleans, were all kinda history nerds, but I know that New Orleans doesn't really have the club scene or beaches like the other choices do. But it is priced just between the two (to stay in the French Quarter.) But they do have partying if we feel like it.

I have already decided, that since I made the decision to have a destination bachelorette, that I would pay for the flight tickets…there is only the three of us, and I have sky miles to burn.

But I am asking them to pay for their third of the room, which ends up to be from ~645 to ~505 each (and I’m kinda assuming, since I've known these two girls since middle school, that they will most likely offer to pay for the club fares and taxis, in a sense for the tradition of the maids paying for the party)…we all have good jobs, and they have until all the way till next January to save…I thought this wasn't a problem, but my fiancé (my voice of reason and devils advocate) brought up that this is quite allot of money to ask them to pay.

For comparisons, my fiancé is paying his way, and the guys are paying theirs...they aren't offering to pay more and either is my fiancé, its split per person. I am paying for more, but going to either of these destinations is more expensive than their Vegas trip, so that made sense to me to pay more (which I have absolutely no problem with!)

What are your thoughts? Before I seriously bring it up to them in all its spread sheeted glory?

Thanks!

redoryx · February 2016

As the bride you have zero, zilch, nada, nothing to do with your bachelorette party planning. In fact, you only get one if someone offers to host one for you. You can't ask them to host it, you can't suggest it, or tell them to host. They have to offer and you can't be spending their money for them which means if the hosts can't afford a destination bachelorette party, you don't get one.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

Thats not how this works.

1) Someone offers to throw you a batchelorette, 2) You suggest what you would be comfortable with and guest list 3) Your friends or whoever has graciously offered to organise will advise any $ necessary 4) At no point in this whole process do you assume what anyone else can/cannot spend.

Seriously, I know its exciting just now but take a minute to think about how much money you are asking your friends to shell out without even checking with them first - how are they going to tell you if they can't afford it without being worried they will hurt your feelings or ruin your batchelorette for you? What your FI is or is not doing for his is neither here nor there, and all his friends decided on this holiday on their own, seperate to it being turned into a bachelor party. Its a different situation. You need to slow your roll.

Eta: just as a tl:dr, would you prefer someone came up to you in real life (ie non wedding related) and told you that you were now obliged to spend $500 on an outing, or would you prefer if they asked what you were comfortable spending on said outing? There is your answer.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

[Deleted User] said:

I haven't really asked my bridesmaids yet, so I thought I would run it past you guys. I've never been on or heard of thoughts about (around my rural area) of a destination bachelorette...
I recently got engaged, and my fiancé had a trip with the guys planned (since Christmas) to Las Vegas for this coming December (that they just decided to ‘make’ a bachelor party when they heard the news)…so this got me thinking…if they get to go on a mini trip, then us girls should get to too!
I told my two (only two I know!) bridesmaids this over our weekly weekend dinner, and I have always wanted to go to Miami (from Minnesota) and blurted it out without really thinking first and they both were VERY VERY excited about it.
I’ve been bored at work tonight and pricing this out and sort of filling out this little trip. I’m thinking of 3 or 4 nights at the beginning of January-ish.
I was reading up on the clubs in Miami, and this situation feels kind of stressful for me, with all the dress requirements and the stress of worrying about not being “hot” enough…us three aren't the thin, tall, swimsuit models they seem to expect...we're MN country girls and I don't want my bachelorette party to be tainted by horrible club owners and bouncers, I want all three of our different body types to be welcome.
So then I got to thinking of Cancun Mexico, its actually pretty price competitive compared to Miami. I’ve been there before, and the clubs and whole vibe is super laid back, all that they care is that you bought a ticket to get in the club (stress free!)
There is also the fact that we would get an all inclusive hotel in Cancun and not in Miami. So for almost the same price, food and drinks are included. The only difference is flight prices really, and not by that much either.
Then the third option is New Orleans, were all kinda history nerds, but I know that New Orleans doesn't really have the club scene or beaches like the other choices do. But it is priced just between the two (to stay in the French Quarter.) But they do have partying if we feel like it.
I have already decided, that since I made the decision to have a destination bachelorette, that I would pay for the flight tickets…there is only the three of us, and I have sky miles to burn.
But I am asking them to pay for their third of the room, which ends up to be from ~645 to ~505 each (and I’m kinda assuming, since I've known these two girls since middle school, that they will most likely offer to pay for the club fares and taxis, in a sense for the tradition of the maids paying for the party)…we all have good jobs, and they have until all the way till next January to save…I thought this wasn't a problem, but my fiancé (my voice of reason and devils advocate) brought up that this is quite allot of money to ask them to pay.
For comparisons, my fiancé is paying his way, and the guys are paying theirs...they aren't offering to pay more and either is my fiancé, its split per person. I am paying for more, but going to either of these destinations is more expensive than their Vegas trip, so that made sense to me to pay more (which I have absolutely no problem with!)

What are your thoughts? Before I seriously bring it up to them in all its spread sheeted glory?

Thanks!

Also, I have 2 bridesmaids. This is in no way unusual.

[Deleted User] · February 2016

Okie dokie here ladies/people...

It is no way weird for someone to throw their own Bachelorette, both of my maids are married and threw their own parties, most brides in my very rural area do. There is no normal, it's my wedding, if I wanted to plan my own everything I can. I'm planning my own shower as well (the nerve!)

I had brought up miami, and they both were VERY excited about this and we talked and discussed this over dinner. So it's not going to be a shock to them...they are prepared to go to a destination party.

Guest list is just us three, it's been that way since middle school, like the musketeers. No one else is invited, we decided that as well.

I am not assuming anyone can spend anything, it's based off of knowing these two girls inside and out, every facet.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

[Deleted User] said:

Okie dokie here ladies/people...

It is no way weird for someone to throw their own Bachelorette, both of my maids are married and threw their own parties, most brides in my very rural area do. There is no normal, it's my wedding, if I wanted to plan my own everything I can. I'm planning my own shower as well (the nerve!)

I had brought up miami, and they both were VERY excited about this and we talked and discussed this over dinner. So it's not going to be a shock to them...they are prepared to go to a destination party.

Guest list is just us three, it's been that way since middle school, like the musketeers. No one else is invited, we decided that as well.

I am not assuming anyone can spend anything, it's based off of knowing these two girls inside and out, every facet.

If you know these girls inside and out and know that they are very excited to go to Miami, I'm confused what the point of your response was? Neither of the responses to your question told you that you shouldn't go to Miami, we told you that you should not assume what others could spend and of course you needed to discuss money with them.

And BTW, I didn't think it's weird to plan your own batchelorette, I think it's tacky. And I really, really think its tacky to plan your own shower. You can do whatever you want, as you rightly say. It doesn't make what you do right.

crowsgirl15 · February 2016

[Deleted User] said:

Okie dokie here ladies/people...

It is no way weird for someone to throw their own Bachelorette, both of my maids are married and threw their own parties, most brides in my very rural area do. There is no normal, it's my wedding, if I wanted to plan my own everything I can. I'm planning my own shower as well (the nerve!)

I had brought up miami, and they both were VERY excited about this and we talked and discussed this over dinner. So it's not going to be a shock to them...they are prepared to go to a destination party.

Guest list is just us three, it's been that way since middle school, like the musketeers. No one else is invited, we decided that as well.

I am not assuming anyone can spend anything, it's based off of knowing these two girls inside and out, every facet.

You really shouldn't throw your own bachelorette, but you planning a trip with three people bothers me much less than you throwing your own shower. You're asking others to come give you gifts? This is an etiquette board...and that's incredibly rude.

lembaslover · February 2016

[Deleted User] said:

Okie dokie here ladies/people...

It is no way weird for someone to throw their own Bachelorette, both of my maids are married and threw their own parties, most brides in my very rural area do. There is no normal, it's my wedding, if I wanted to plan my own everything I can. I'm planning my own shower as well (the nerve!)

I had brought up miami, and they both were VERY excited about this and we talked and discussed this over dinner. So it's not going to be a shock to them...they are prepared to go to a destination party.

Guest list is just us three, it's been that way since middle school, like the musketeers. No one else is invited, we decided that as well.

I am not assuming anyone can spend anything, it's based off of knowing these two girls inside and out, every facet.

I think if that is your attitude then you should find another forum. The regional exceptions to etiquette are not accepted here. Etiquette is universal not regional... Also yes it is rude to plan your own shower too. Just because your friends did theirs this way doesn't mean it's ok for you to do it too.

Even your FI says you're asking them for a lot of money according to your post so if you aren't going to listen to us maybe you should listen to him. Stop planning and let them offer to host your party in a way they feel comfortable.

EDT for grammar...

PamBeesly524 · February 2016

If you're so sure that your girls want to go to a destination bach party, why don't you let them plan it?

climbingsingle · February 2016

It's tacky to plan your own bach party. Sure, that might fly with your group of friends. That doesn't make it not tacky.

What exact advice are you looking for here? Which destination to force your friends to go to? How to tell them how much money they need to drop on a vacation where they get no say?

jacques27 · February 2016

[Deleted User] said:

Okie dokie here ladies/people...

It is no way weird for someone to throw their own Bachelorette, both of my maids are married and threw their own parties, most brides in my very rural area do. There is no normal, it's my wedding, if I wanted to plan my own everything I can. I'm planning my own shower as well (the nerve!)

I had brought up miami, and they both were VERY excited about this and we talked and discussed this over dinner. So it's not going to be a shock to them...they are prepared to go to a destination party.

Guest list is just us three, it's been that way since middle school, like the musketeers. No one else is invited, we decided that as well.

I am not assuming anyone can spend anything, it's based off of knowing these two girls inside and out, every facet.

Being "normal" (which I don't know what MN you're from, but the one I live in doesn't consider this "normal") doesn't mean it isn't rude and tacky. You can be both "normal" and rude and tacky. They aren't mutually exclusive. And just because you see other people do it doesn't mean you have to follow in their tacky footsteps. You don't throw parties in your honor and you don't get to decide how other people spend their money. It's that simple. It doesn't matter how close you are to them or how well you think you know them. There are boundaries and making financial commitments for people who are not your minor children or under your legal guardianship is one of them. I get that you're excited, but this is one of those areas where you have to slow your roll and let people offer to throw you a party in your honor and plan the party in an amount they are comfortable spending. You plan the wedding, but you don't get to plan extra parties in your honor.

This goes double for planning your own shower. You are planning a party where the entire point is to shower you with gifts. On what other occassion is it acceptable to tell people to come over and bring you a gift? Having a wedding doesnt absolve you from good taste and manners.

ETA: This is in no way similar to your fiance's party, just to make the distinction. That was an already planned mutually decided outing existing outside the scope of your wedding and not in his honor, which they agreed to make serve double duty after the fact instead of throwing him a separate party later. Listen to your fiance. It is too much to ask.

sparklepants41 · February 2016

[Deleted User] said:

Okie dokie here ladies/people...

It is no way weird for someone to throw their own Bachelorette, both of my maids are married and threw their own parties, most brides in my very rural area do. There is no normal, it's my wedding, if I wanted to plan my own everything I can. I'm planning my own shower as well (the nerve!)

I had brought up miami, and they both were VERY excited about this and we talked and discussed this over dinner. So it's not going to be a shock to them...they are prepared to go to a destination party.

Guest list is just us three, it's been that way since middle school, like the musketeers. No one else is invited, we decided that as well.

I am not assuming anyone can spend anything, it's based off of knowing these two girls inside and out, every facet.

Guess what? You posted this in an etiquette board. And you asked in your OP "What are your thoughts? Before I seriously bring it up to them in all its spread sheeted glory?"

PPs have pointed out - and correctly so - that it is rude to throw yourself a bachelorette party. And your attitude of "it's my wedding; I can do what I want" is not going to get you very far. It's rude to throw yourself a shower; it's rude to throw yourself a bachelorette party. And it's rude to spend your friends money for them. $505 to $645 each - for just the hotel, mind you - is a lot to spend. It's a lot to ask of your friends. Never mind that you haven't even factored in how much airfare/meals/drinks/entertainment is going to cost.

You asked us your thoughts. We gave you our thoughts. We are trying to do you the favor of telling you that you are being rude - and rude to your closest friends at that. Your rudeness isn't a "rural" thing - it's rude.

geebee908 · February 2016

Since you posted on the etiquette board and destination bach parties aren't something that are done in your area, we are assuming you want input as to the appropriateness of your plan. According to etiquette it is rude for you to plan this party and spend your friends' money. So, not appropriate for you to do this.

You're putting them on the spot because they know how excited you are about this; do you think they'd feel that they could be honest and tell you if this was something they were uncomfortable spending money on? It's a long time between now and January; changes in your friends' financial situations could occur.

You need to step out of this now and let your friends know that you got carried away in your excitement over your engagement and there's plenty of time to think about these things later. Then wait for them or someone else to offer to host these parties for you.

thisismynickname2 · February 2016

geebee908 said:

You need to step out of this now and let your friends know that you got carried away in your excitement over your engagement and there's plenty of time to think about these things later. Then wait for them or someone else to offer to host these parties for you.

^^^ This.

I've seen via FB social circles that destination bachelorettes, while not common, are also not unheard of. Some of my college acquaintances went to Miami in a large herd, a former coworker was part of a massive to-do in Vegas. I have no idea how these things get planned with everyone being happy with the arrangements and money spent, but apparently it happens.

Your two friends now know you'd like a destination party. Let them talk to you about it in the future. Three people is surely easier to manage than 10, at least. Hate to say it, but a lot can change- what if one of them loses their job, or becomes pregnant and can't fly? So just chill out for awhile, and ultimately, accept what is offered to you.

You can always plan a non-wedding-related girls' trip somewhere in the future. Traveling with your friends is not exclusive to someone's wedding.

MyNameIsNot · February 2016

[Deleted User] said:

Okie dokie here ladies/people...

It is no way weird for someone to throw their own Bachelorette, both of my maids are married and threw their own parties, most brides in my very rural area do. There is no normal, it's my wedding, if I wanted to plan my own everything I can. I'm planning my own shower as well (the nerve!)

I had brought up miami, and they both were VERY excited about this and we talked and discussed this over dinner. So it's not going to be a shock to them...they are prepared to go to a destination party.

Guest list is just us three, it's been that way since middle school, like the musketeers. No one else is invited, we decided that as well.

I am not assuming anyone can spend anything, it's based off of knowing these two girls inside and out, every facet.

I'm assuming this is a joke. If not, just wow.

Rude doesn't even cover it. The b-party is bad enough, but the shower too? I really encourage you to slow down and take a minute to learn something about basic etiquette and manners. You are so far outside of normal that you are going to risk ruining relationships. Even your FI is embarrassed by your behavior!

banana468 · February 2016

I really think that there are a few key issues going on here:

1) You shouldn't plan parties in honor of yourself. That means that you yourself don't initiate and start planning your shower or your bachelorette party. Focus on planning the wedding. Leave the parties in honor of you to those who want to host them. THEN, if they ask for your input, by all means offer the input. This has nothing to do with being "normal". It's about not being rude.

2) The parties in honor of you are at the discretion of those hosting. That means that what might work for some may not work for all. DH had a bachelor party that involved an overnight in a hotel. Mine didn't. We both had great parties. Neither involved flights.

3) I'm not sure of the age of you and your guests but keep in mind that what may have happened is not precedent setting. That a friend or two may have had a destination party does not mean that those are the things to do. And in general, as my peers and I have aged, it's harder to make a destination party happen. In our 20s when we were single or married and had no kids - no problem. Add our young kids into the mix and our finances have changed, commitments have changed and it's just not the same. Please don't head into any part of your life thinking that because it happened for some it needs to happen for you. It's a good way to be disappointed all the time.

I'm going to echo PPs who said that it's better now to say, "I got carried away by this bachelorette thing and I'm sorry. This is not my circus and those aren't my monkeys!"

Now if you want to plan a destination girls weekend away, go for it. But plan it as a trip that's a trip for the sake of being a trip. Leave the wedding centered anything out of it.

mntravelingmama · February 2016

I'm from Minnesota. What "very rural" area are you from that it is acceptable to plan your own bachelorette or shower? That's just plain weird. Why wouldn't your bridesmaids or relatives do this planning?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2016

Knottie1445734248 said:

I'm from Minnesota. What "very rural" area are you from that it is acceptable to plan your own bachelorette or shower? That's just plain weird. Why wouldn't your bridesmaids or relatives do this planning?

Gaucheville, population 3.

KatWAG · February 2016

climbingwife said:

It's tacky to plan your own bach party. Sure, that might fly with your group of friends. That doesn't make it not tacky.

What exact advice are you looking for here? Which destination to force your friends to go to? How to tell them how much money they need to drop on a vacation where they get no say?

Lets not forget the vacation days/ PTO OP is dictating for her BMs.

drunkenwitch · February 2016

My entire family is from MN, I know 500 ways to cook hotdish, bars and jello salad. What you are suggesting is not "normal" for Minnesota. You betcha it isn't.

dyerwise · February 2016

First off, you 100% do not plan it OR your shower.

I don't get why brides make a huge deal out of the bachelorette party. I get one fun night out with your girlfriends, but the destination part of it drives me crazy. It is a little AW-ish to me.

When my older sister got married we all went to Las Vegas for 4 days. It was too much. I love her dearly, but I didn't need to celebrate her 'last night as a free woman' for 4 nights in a row. None of us have fond memories of that trip and I still give my sister a hard time about how she got wasted and kept screaming at us that we needed to wash our feet.

I have a friend whose BM's really wanted to go somewhere for her bach and she isn't big on partying or going out, so she suggested just renting a house in Palm Springs (about a 6-7 hour drive) for two nights and they all went, along with some friends and family. It sounded like they had a blast, they all cooked dinner together one night, played board games and drank wine. The next night they all went out to a nice dinner.

SP29 · February 2016

Deleted user already! OP could have learned something here.

What I find most amusing, is that the OP's FI told her what she was doing was too much. PPs said the same thing. Yet PPs here are the crazy and mean ones.

CMGragain · February 2016

Most people I know put their money into their wedding, not a shower or bachelorette party.
I never have really understood bachelorette parties. I know, I know! I'm from a different generation, and we didn't have them. Heck, my computer won't even recognize the word without underlining it for misspelling.
I get going out to a bar with your girlfriends for the evening. Sounds like fun. I don't get planning a trip that will cost everybody a lot of money when they need that money to pay for their bridesmaid dresses, and for other luxuries, like food and rent.
Planning a party in your own honor? No.

spockforprez · February 2016

SP29 said:

Deleted user already! OP could have learned something here.

What I find most amusing, is that the OP's FI told her what she was doing was too much. PPs said the same thing. Yet PPs here are the crazy and mean ones.

Oh but he's a devil's advocate. He just has to be contrary, that one!

drunkenwitch · February 2016

Deleted user then, that's of heckavu deal ya know.

glasgowtolondon · February 2016

She got the same advice on ww and from her FI. Wonder if the bee gave her the answer she wanted?

thisismynickname2 · February 2016

dyerwise said:

When my older sister got married we all went to Las Vegas for 4 days. It was too much. I love her dearly, but I didn't need to celebrate her 'last night as a free woman' for 4 nights in a row. None of us have fond memories of that trip and I still give my sister a hard time about how she got wasted and kept screaming at us that we needed to wash our feet.

@dyerwise
I totally agree that no one needs to be celebrated for so many nights. I'm sorry, but I'm laughing too hard at the washing feet business.

thefanciestbeckler · February 2016

dyerwise · February 2016

@thisismynickname it was horrible at the time, but looking back on it, I laugh. She was so drunk, took her shoes off and ran through casinos while I trailed behind her trying to make sure she didn't get lost. She and I were separated from our other sister and her other BM, so it was just me and the drunkest woman in the world.

When we all ended up back at the hotel room, the Drunk one fell onto the bed and we could see how disgusting her feet where, they were almost black..also glittery, it was so gross. My other sister started telling her she had to wash her feet since they were sharing a bed. She would pull her face up off the bed and scream "YOU WASH YOUR FEET YOU B*!! YOUR FEET ARE GROSS, WASH THEM". Over and over. I eventually ended up just putting socks on her feet because we were not going to win.

*even when drunk she wouldn't say the full word B*tch, she would only call us the letter B.

MandyMost · February 2016

It is totally acceptable to say "Hey, my FI is going on a guys trip in December, I'd love to plan a girls trip in January, are you girls interested?!". If they bring up turning it into your bachelorette party, let them.

It's totally acceptable to respond to a question from your friends about what you want to do for a bachelorette party as "I was thinking a girls trip would be fun, what do you think?"

It's not acceptable to say "My bachelorette party will by in this location. Here's the cost."

Moppet82 · February 2016

jacques27 said:

[Deleted User] said:

Okie dokie here ladies/people...

It is no way weird for someone to throw their own Bachelorette, both of my maids are married and threw their own parties, most brides in my very rural area do. There is no normal, it's my wedding, if I wanted to plan my own everything I can. I'm planning my own shower as well (the nerve!)

I had brought up miami, and they both were VERY excited about this and we talked and discussed this over dinner. So it's not going to be a shock to them...they are prepared to go to a destination party.

Guest list is just us three, it's been that way since middle school, like the musketeers. No one else is invited, we decided that as well.

I am not assuming anyone can spend anything, it's based off of knowing these two girls inside and out, every facet.

Being "normal" (which I don't know what MN you're from, but the one I live in doesn't consider this "normal") doesn't mean it isn't rude and tacky. You can be both "normal" and rude and tacky. They aren't mutually exclusive. And just because you see other people do it doesn't mean you have to follow in their tacky footsteps. You don't throw parties in your honor and you don't get to decide how other people spend their money. It's that simple. It doesn't matter how close you are to them or how well you think you know them. There are boundaries and making financial commitments for people who are not your minor children or under your legal guardianship is one of them. I get that you're excited, but this is one of those areas where you have to slow your roll and let people offer to throw you a party in your honor and plan the party in an amount they are comfortable spending. You plan the wedding, but you don't get to plan extra parties in your honor.

Fellow Minnesotan here, no one in my circle does that either. I've never even heard of anyone doing that.

She's gone, but for those of you who lurk and have the same mentality as the OP, I ask you this, while it may be common in your area, aren't you tempted to be the one to break the mold and introduce those around you to etiquette?

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