Dear Prudence,
I take a couple of trips a year with friends or for work in which there are ample opportunities to cheat. In the past I have taken advantage of this, and so have many of my closest friends, both female and male. When I am home I am as dedicated a partner and parent as anyone else I know. I do at least 50 percent of the housework and child care. The same can largely be said for my friends, who also don’t seem to have a moral problem with straying from their otherwise monogamous partnerships on rare occasions.
I am happily married and very satisfied with my partner emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. But I can’t pretend that makes the thrill of the new irrelevant. I am fairly confident that many, if not all, of us are hardwired for this. But obviously this seems to run against the grain in our society, at least on the surface. I wonder if we are living in a very Victorian-esque time in which these basic and not intrinsically unhealthy desires are shunned because of past principle, or if I, and a large percentage of those I know, should be classified as sociopaths.
The easy answer here is that the only thing I’m doing wrong is being dishonest with my partner. But why hurt someone with this truth if it makes no difference to anyone as long as I’m careful to keep it concealed? If I found out that my partner had been doing the same thing, I would not be angry or hurt, but I know that she does not feel the same. Is something wrong with me/us?