Should I support my dead husband's single-mom and broke mistress?

mrsconn23 · February 2016

Dear Prudence,
It sounds like a bad joke, but my cheating husband stepped into the street, got hit by a semi, and died. Instead of going through a difficult divorce, I have inherited all his assets and am a very wealthy woman. I have no idea how to deal with any of this. I held a memorial and didn’t stay long. I felt like a fraud. Friends told me that his mistress showed up in tears. Apparently she is a single mom, and my husband was paying for her apartment and her son’s private school. Am I crazy to want to reach out and maybe help her? My circle of friends runs the gamut from glee to indifference about her fate. My husband and I had been drifting apart for a while before he died. I can’t process anything right now rationally and could use an outside perspective.

–Help His Mistress?

NOLABridesmaid · February 2016

Man, I have more questions.

Is the kid her dead husband's?

How long has he been paying all of her expenses?

Did she know about the mistress before he died?

MNNEBride · February 2016

This is made for a lifetime movie.

VarunaTT · February 2016

This woman shouldn't feel like a fraud. She didn't do anything wrong.

I don't think she's "crazy' for wanting to reach out. If she wants to and the mistress will accept the help, why not? They were both used by this man, in different ways. If it helps wife heal, she needs to do what she needs to do. Screw anyone else's opinion.

Heffalump · February 2016

mrs.conn23 said:

I can’t process anything right now rationally and could use an outside perspective.

For this exact reason, I think the widow should sit tight until things settle a bit. Then see how she feels.

NOLABridesmaid · February 2016

Like Hell.

This woman made the decision to cheat with a married man and rely on him for financial help. Sorry, the gravy train has ended.

He could have left her some cash if he was so concerned beforehand. She can also go through legal channels if the child happens to be his for child support, but I wouldn't give a dime out of the goodness of my heart.

ThxSugar · February 2016

This woman is a nicer person than I am.

ShesSoCold · February 2016

NOLABridesmaid said:

Like Hell.
This woman made the decision to cheat with a married man and rely on him for financial help. Sorry, the gravy train has ended.
He could have left her some cash if he was so concerned beforehand. She can also go through legal channels if the child happens to be his for child support, but I wouldn't give a dime out of the goodness of my heart.

This. LW is apparently a much better person than I. I'd be buying nice shit and going on vacation and never give one shit about the other woman.

*Barbie* · February 2016

I'm in the "mistress can eat a bag of dicks while I live it up" boat.

lembaslover · February 2016

ShesSoCold said:

NOLABridesmaid said:

Like Hell.
This woman made the decision to cheat with a married man and rely on him for financial help. Sorry, the gravy train has ended.
He could have left her some cash if he was so concerned beforehand. She can also go through legal channels if the child happens to be his for child support, but I wouldn't give a dime out of the goodness of my heart.

This. LW is apparently a much better person than I. I'd be buying nice shit and going on vacation and never give one shit about the other woman.

Glad I'm not alone in the category of not being as good of a person as this poster. If I were her friend I wouldn't judge her for wanting to be nice but I would probably recommend that she think about it and let some of her grief settle before reaching out. But if it were me I would not think twice about that woman.

Part of me wonders why the mistress was really crying, was it that she did honestly love this married man or that she was really sad she lost her free meal ticket?

monkeysip · February 2016

Totally agree the mistress deserves nothing (assuming she knew he was married). But I do worry about the kid. Even if it's not his kid, I still feel bad for the kid. But LW doesn't owe anyone a cent. And I agree with above that she needs to wait until her mind clears a little bit. Her cheating husband just died...

monkeysip · February 2016

Also, this is part of the premise of the movie Ghosttown. Chick's husband was cheating, and then gets hit by a truck in the street. She has a hard time mourning because she never got to yell at him or threaten divorce. It's actually a comedy with some dramatic moments.

thejucheidea · February 2016

Man, that mistress has some serious cojones showing up to the funeral.

MesmrEwe · February 2016

I think my opinion hinges upon the DNA of the kid... If it was his, then if anything, a silent help with the direct cost of school (clothes, supplies, tuition) but that'd be where I'd cap that help. BUT, it's her choice...

JediElizabeth · February 2016

Wow. This sounds like the setup for a very specific subset of porn an ex of mine used to be into....

I would actually want to give the kid a gift in the form of a scholarship (which the mother couldn't directly touch), because I am both distrustful of adults and sympathetic to kids who are caught in the middle of shitty adult situations.

ILoveBeachMusic · February 2016

Sounds like a book my book club just finished reading!

AddieCake · February 2016

OH, hell no.

Wishful89 · February 2016

Agreed with previous poster....gravy train has ended.

VarunaTT · February 2016

You know, this lady didn't ask if she should help or if she was required to help the mistress. She asked if she was crazy for wanting to help the mistress.

I think if LW thinks that will help assuage the [unfounded] guilt LW feeling over this situation, then she should. Even if they were growing apart and husband was cheating, LW is still grieving and needs to process that. If this is how LW wants to do it, I say do it.

Samigfb · February 2016

If the kid is your husband's, then make her go through legal channels for support. I wouldn't just give her money as it will likely turn into a bad situation at some point.

If it isn't your husband's kid (which I suspect it isn't based upon how you describe it), then no. It is up to her to support herself and her child. Also, the child has his own father somewhere, so he should be offering financial support.

MNNEBride · February 2016

scrunchythief · February 2016

VarunaTT said:

You know, this lady didn't ask if she should help or if she was required to help the mistress. She asked if she was crazy for wanting to help the mistress.

I think if LW thinks that will help assuage the [unfounded] guilt LW feeling over this situation, then she should. Even if they were growing apart and husband was cheating, LW is still grieving and needs to process that. If this is how LW wants to do it, I say do it.

I agree with the caveat that she might want to consult a lawyer first, or at least do a google search. If he was supporting this woman so heavily, I'd be concerned that she might be taking on financial responsibility. I don't know how that works or if this worry is justified, but I'd be afraid it could come back to bite her.

Should I support my dead husband's single-mom and broke mistress?

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