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dotilaso · August 2011

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zitiqueen · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unacceptable-ask-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6a898cc8-5119-4dba-bf27-0aa75b518eabPost:446db2d7-044f-41be-a30c-1a1a6b93bd34">Unacceptable to ask to be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some advice. My best friend of 10 years just got engaged. We went through everything together - middle school, high school, even went to the same college and were roommates for our first two years. I have no doubt that she will be my maid of honor when it is my wedding, and she is the closest friend that I have, and I have no doubt she is the only friend who I am close enough with to be a Maid of Honor. The thing is she only has one sister, whom she has already designated as MOH. The problem with this is that her sister is older than her by a few years (and is not engaged, or even in a relationship). So her sister wasn't very supportive of her engagement, and was infact downright mean, saying that my friend's wedding would be the "appetizer to her wedding." Her sister has not been excited to help her with any of the planning, and she keeps on coming to me when she wants to relish in the excitement, and I always give it to her. I know that I will probably have to take the "reigns" as far as planning the bridal shower & bachelorette party...since her sister will probably not rise to the challenge. I feel as if I am already acting MOH, since I am the one my friend comes to to discuss how she feels when her sister is unsupportive or critical. I know that some brides choose to have two maids of honors, and I'm wondering if it is rude or unacceptable etiquette in this situation for me to be a MOH as well. I know that it should ultimately be the bride's choice, and I don't want to put any undue pressure on her, especially with the stress her sister has put on her. I know that I would do a "better" job of being MOH for my friend, and that I would take on the duties and the responsibilities as seriously as if they were my own wedding, because I want this experience to be perfect for my friend and I want her to have the best bridal shower/bachelorette party/wedding that she can possibly have, and I don't think her sister will do it justice. Now, I'm not asking her to demote her sister as MOH, I know that would be just plain rude. I would even take a "back seat" to her sister and kind of be the "invisible" or "second-place" MOH. The only reason that I would even feel comfortable asking her to be "promoted" to this position is because we are so close and because I am the one she comes to when she needs to vent about her sister or when she needs to show me pictures or help with wedding planning. Is it so wrong to do this? Please help, I have been worrying about this for weeks.
Posted by shanluke[/QUOTE]

Yes, completely unacceptable.

There are no duties or responsibilities for a MOH or regular BM other than show up to the wedding clean and sober, in the dress that was chosen beforehand, and smile pretty for the pictures. If you want to help above and beyond that, you don't need the MOH title to do that. Do it because you're a good friend and you want to.

sarahk915 · August 2011

Ditto PP...completely unacceptable.

"I know that it should ultimately be the bride's choice, and I don't want to put any undue pressure on her, especially with the stress her sister has put on her."

It is the bride's choice. She chose to have her sister as MOH. It sounds like she is lucky to have a friend that is so supportive, so just be that friend for her. Like PP said, you don't need a title to do that.

littlemuffin · August 2011

Yes, agreed; this would be unacceptable.

You can do all the things you are doing as a BM; being supportive, listening, planning, etc; asking to be maid of honor is really just asking for recognition for doing that. If you love her and want her wedding to go well, just do your best to be there for her and let her sister have the title. Chances are, there are other reasons her sister is maid of honor, and other influences like family who are pushing for this. Asking to be 'promoted' will put her in an awkward position and make her uncomfortable. What she really needs is to be able to rely on you right now as her friend.

Example: My best friend has one sister as well, and she was her maid of honor in her wedding (not me). I know my friend would have liked me to be MOH; especially since she and her sister have a very tumultuous relationship; but I know she had her reasons for picking her sis and that was fine with me.

I'm getting married soon, and now she is my MOH in my wedding. There are no hard feelings at all.

In fact, one of my other, older friends (who is close, but not as close as we once were) said to me after she found out I was engaged, "I'm going to be your maid of honor, right?" This was very damaging to the friendship. I felt like the title was more important to her than being there for me.

Maggie0829 · August 2011

Unacceptable!!! The bride made her choice so deal with it!

Also, there are no duties or responsibilities that a MOH is suppose to do so you are not acting more like a MOH then her sister is...you are just being helpful, which does not make you better than her sister.

Just be supportive like you have been doing...a title does not make you a better friend.

LoveMuffins · August 2011

MOH is for person who is closest, not person who helps the most.

Kudos to you for being super helpful and a great friend. I think it's awesome that you are such a good friend to her. I think you should keep it up. I also think you should put aside the idea that being MOH somehow will make your friendship better / more recognized / that you are "deserving" of it because of the effort you've put forward for your FRIEND.

Being a great friend does not mean that you get "promoted" in a wedding party. I wasn't MOH for my best friend, and I did waaaaaaay more work than the MOH did. I never questioned that or felt like what I did was in some way less valuable because I was a bridesmaid and not an MOH.

Juris11 · August 2011

It is totally rude. And seriously you have been worrying about this for weeks?!

Be there for your friend the way that you want to. Trust me, she will appreciate it, and your friendship will be stronger for it when she sees how much you care about her. It's one day.

bstent · August 2011

Why does the title even matter??? You should be doing the "extras" out of your own free will because you want to do something nice for your friend, not because you want the title of MOH. My two sisters are my maids of honour, and if one of my friends/bridesmaids made an issue about that and asked to be a maid of honour because she helped to plan a party for me and talked about my wedding with me, I would be completely shocked and possibly even be offended by it... Being a bridesmaid is an honour as well, why isn't it good enough? Plus, speaking as a sister, sibling relationships can be complicated. My older sister is blunt, sometimes to the point of being hurtful, but she is also my best friend and gives me honest criticism when others won't (and when I need to hear it). If a friend criticized my sister (even if it was based on complaints that I had made about her) that would be a major issue for me.

For the record, I was a bridesmaid in a wedding for a good friend of mine, and her maid of honour lived across the province and was not able to be involved in much at all, including the shower, stagette, and morning after brunch. I stepped up and planned parties for her, went to all of the events, helped decorate, talked wedding talk with her, etc. etc. etc. I did it as her friend, because I wanted to. I would have done it even if I wasn't a bridesmaid. My friend privately thanking me for my help and support and telling me she loved me was all that I needed.

sparent2010 · August 2011

Reins. That is all.

dotilaso · August 2011

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I will take all of your posts into consideration!

zitiqueen · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unacceptable-ask-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6a898cc8-5119-4dba-bf27-0aa75b518eabPost:d3f24e42-db27-4026-abb4-9fd4ebf0313a">Re: Unacceptable to ask to be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the advice everyone, I will take all of your posts into consideration!
Posted by shanluke[/QUOTE]

Hmmm...

Let us know how asking to be her MOH turns out.

covejack · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unacceptable-ask-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6a898cc8-5119-4dba-bf27-0aa75b518eabPost:f9c2926e-fdac-440c-889e-27c2f2c42676">Re: Unacceptable to ask to be MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unacceptable to ask to be MOH? : Hmmm... Let us know how asking to be her MOH turns out.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

^^^this^^^

PrincessPeach17 · August 2011

Please don't ask!!

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