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NWR -Baby Shower Question-

yellowdaisies84yellowdaisies84 member
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Hello all!

Any advice is much appreciated. My best friend lives 2 hours and 40 minutes away and her baby shower is in May at her house hosted by her sister. It will be an after-the-baby shower the baby is due near the end of March.

Normally, I'd be so excited and there's no way that I would miss it. But, I have a ten month old who is on a strict nap schedule. She naps at 10 and 2 for 1-2 hours and goes down for the night at 7:30. I plan everything around her schedule and the reason is that keeping her on a schedule keeps me sane (it was extremely difficult before she was on a schedule I was barely sleeping and she was up frequently at night) so this has been my secret to keeping her in a good mood and also getting her to sleep through the night and at predictable times during the day. The thought of messing around with her schedule stresses me out. (And it's okay with me if you don't understand that mindset, but if you don't understand then that's just it- you don't understand! I wouldn't have related to this either before I had my daughter and was faced with sleep issues that a schedule magically solved after five really tough months.)

Also, there's the fact that if I go my little one will be in the car for almost 6 hours that day. The shower is 1-4 and she's invited to the shower. But I don't know of course if she will be happy for those 3 hours or if it will be a handful and a half to keep her happy and safe in a new environment without most of her toys etc. Her schedule will be so disrupted- we could leave here at 10 and she could sleep in the car- which is actually PERFECT- but then get there by 1 and I'd have to feed her lunch, nurse her, keep her happy at the shower...I'm not sure when the right time would be to leave but if we stay until 4 then we wouldn't get home until almost 7. Not too bad in terms of the fact that she usually eats dinner at 6:30, then bath etc and goes down at 7:30 but I'm concerned that she may have slept in the car that late and then not go down to sleep that night. Or it's just too much time in a car and not enough time playing.

So here is my question: Is it okay for me to decline? Is it okay to be honest with my friend that it's just too much of a drive with our baby? (Who by the way will be past her first birthday by then, the shower is in May so her schedule might even be different then.) Or is this rude and hurtful to not show up to an important friends shower? Is this reason not a good reason? Is it okay to send a gift instead? I can't decide if I need to just do what's best for us to avoid a stressful day that might not be worth it in the end, or if I just need to be there for my friend and deal with the reprecussions after knowing it's not going to be the end of the world?


"It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
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Re: NWR -Baby Shower Question-

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    monkeysipmonkeysip member
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    Honestly, you really don't need all this explanation.  And I say that as someone with a 19 month old who is SUPER cranky when she's tired, and who has serious sleep issues.  So really, I totally understand the strict nap schedule thing.

    Almost three hours away can be difficult when you have a little one, and especially if you have to go alone.  If you can't make the schedule work, and you can't just go without the baby (is there no one to babysit?), then it's ok to decline.  Invitations aren't a summons.  

    If you can, send a nice card and gift, and maybe even something to help out the parents, like a restaurant gift card so they can get take-out one day. 

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    It's perfectly understandable if you can't make it because of your child's needs.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Can dad handle the kiddo??

    I think you should give it time.  I found that my oldest transitioned to one nap a day at that point.  Some kids may get easier.   

    It's up to you though.  I'm definitely sympathetic to the screaming kiddo but I also hope you have options so you can get out too. 
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    yellowdaisies84yellowdaisies84 member
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    edited February 2016
    My husband would be coming too to hang out with her husband. He could theoretically be the one to play with and entertain her although I'm not sure if she'd stay with me or be with him. Not sure if the guys are maybe going out to a restaurant or...? The other issue I didn't mention is she is breastfeeding. (No bottles.) Right now 5 times a day. And I do not drive. So it would be a family excursion if I go.

    Can I also add that I also have a wedding coming up this fall for a friend who I really like a lot but I'm not super close with. Again normally would totally be going and so excited but I don't think kids are invited and it's a good 4-5 hour drive so would have to get a hotel and probably bring a baby-sitter or a Grandma. So I'm also torn on that. Can I RSVP no? Or is it bad to let my parenthood get in the way of these social engagements? Those are two separate issues though. This baby shower is for my closest friend. The wedding is for a friend who I don't talk to often.
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    You may find that by that time your baby is starting to transition to a once a day naptime. They also go through a bit of a sleep regression at that point.

    I agree with Banana to either enlist dad or decline. I know we still work things around our son's nap schedule and he's 3.
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    yellowdaisies84yellowdaisies84 member
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    edited February 2016
    TrixieJess said:
    You may find that by that time your baby is starting to transition to a once a day naptime. They also go through a bit of a sleep regression at that point.

    I agree with Banana to either enlist dad or decline. I know we still work things around our son's nap schedule and he's 3.
    Thank you for sharing that you still work around your son's nap schedule. I don't want to stop working around her schedule, but I guess I'm a little bit...embarrassed? I guess? Worried about other people judging me for it. But it really works for us. We just don't get out much anymore. 

    ETA: I think I should edit this because it's not really judging that I'm worried about. My friend is super nice and supportive. But I'm worried about her saying something like "Oh my goodness, they aren't coming because of baby? It's not that hard to put baby in the car. I don't want to be like that." That's the kind of thing that I'm afraid of to be honest. 
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    yellowdaisies84 said:
    TrixieJess said:
    You may find that by that time your baby is starting to transition to a once a day naptime. They also go through a bit of a sleep regression at that point.

    I agree with Banana to either enlist dad or decline. I know we still work things around our son's nap schedule and he's 3.
    Thank you for sharing that you still work around your son's nap schedule. I don't want to stop working around her schedule, but I guess I'm a little bit...embarrassed? I guess? Worried about other people judging me for it. But it really works for us. We just don't get out much anymore. 

    ETA: I think I should edit this because it's not really judging that I'm worried about. My friend is super nice and supportive. But I'm worried about her saying something like "Oh my goodness, they aren't coming because of baby? It's not that hard to put baby in the car. I don't want to be like that." That's the kind of thing that I'm afraid of to be honest. 
    Nope, once you have kids, things shift. Other moms will totally understand if you tell them that you are working around your kid's sleep schedule. The only people that don't understand it fully are people who don't have children, or who don't have their children on a sleep schedule.

    I will say though, you will have to adjust some of your naps depending on what else is going on and sometimes things come up and a nap gets missed or bedtime gets moved back, you just have to roll with it and face the consequences.
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    softkittywarmkittysoftkittywarmkitty member
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    It's likely, that if she's one of your closest friends, she's not going to think how hard can be it be to get here. She would know at least some of the sleep/schedule issues. Of it was me No kids) I would just be bummed that my friend couldn't make it. 

    That being said, you can't control what people think. There's a lot of extenuating circumstances surrounded by you not going to either event that people may not understand. 

    If say try to get to good friends shower, if DD is cranky or difficult, have a plan B video, favorite toy, quiet place to soothe her. Enlist dad. You should not have to try to be social with daughter while dad is away with the men. Then, Maybe skip the wedding if it's too much.

    I might not be making sense, too many thoughts I'm trying to cover. At some point, something is going to challange your schedule and DD will have to go to bed late or push her limits on being a happy baby.  Try not to stress to hard over it. It sounds like you could use a day out.




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    levioosalevioosa member
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    I would never judge someone's nap schedule, especially if it means a full night's sleep.  Sleep is precious, yo. 

    Ditto PPs.  Or, as an alternative, do you have a trusted babysitter that could watch kiddo while you and your husband attend the shower?  

    I think your bff will understand if you can't make a 3 hour drive with a child.  That's a really long drive for a kid. 

    And two things:

    1. An invitation is not a summons.  You are always free to decline or accept. The same with gifts.  Gifts should never be expected.  If you decline and sent a gift, that's great.  If you decline and don't send a gift, that's also perfectly acceptable.  Since it's your BFF, I would probably send a gift if you decline, but you're by no means obligated to.  

    2. It's okay for parenthood to take precedence over social engagements like weddings as long as you realize it is your choice.  What's not okay is demanding that people make arrangements for your lifestyle (which you haven't insinuated at all, but we get the occasional crazy person on here demanding that their kids be invited places/people make arrangements for their children).  For your own freedom and sanity though, learning how to pump and drive might be a good idea.  It gives you a lot more flexibility.   


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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
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    ernursej said:
    TrixieJess said:
    yellowdaisies84 said:
    TrixieJess said:
    You may find that by that time your baby is starting to transition to a once a day naptime. They also go through a bit of a sleep regression at that point.

    I agree with Banana to either enlist dad or decline. I know we still work things around our son's nap schedule and he's 3.
    Thank you for sharing that you still work around your son's nap schedule. I don't want to stop working around her schedule, but I guess I'm a little bit...embarrassed? I guess? Worried about other people judging me for it. But it really works for us. We just don't get out much anymore. 

    ETA: I think I should edit this because it's not really judging that I'm worried about. My friend is super nice and supportive. But I'm worried about her saying something like "Oh my goodness, they aren't coming because of baby? It's not that hard to put baby in the car. I don't want to be like that." That's the kind of thing that I'm afraid of to be honest. 
    Nope, once you have kids, things shift. Other moms will totally understand if you tell them that you are working around your kid's sleep schedule. The only people that don't understand it fully are people who don't have children, or who don't have their children on a sleep schedule.

    I will say though, you will have to adjust some of your naps depending on what else is going on and sometimes things come up and a nap gets missed or bedtime gets moved back, you just have to roll with it and face the consequences
    @TrixieJess please don't lump all the child free together by saying we don't understand how things change with kids. I have no kids, nor will I, and I am completely respectful of how things can change with kiddos. All my friends with kids know that their kids come first and I completely respect when plans need to change or they can't attend something. 

    OP - please don't feel guilty or ashamed about your schedule. Sounds like you've found something that works for you and a Mom's sanity is very important. Several of my friends feel so much more like themselves when they figured out what worked for them and seeing them more like themselves is exactly what I want for them. Send a polite decline for things that don't work. 
    I never said "all" child-free people don't understand. Lordy. I'm just saying that children's sleep schedules are easier to explain to other parents who are often in the same boat. 

    I've had to work around friends sleep schedules who work shifts or who have spouses who work shifts and can be unavailable from that. The truth is whenever anything in your life changes, you need to figure out how to accommodate your social life around your commitments.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I think it's reasonable to decline the shower invitation due to your own child's scheduling.  If it doesn't work for you, then just tell your friend so.  If you can send a gift and/or card, that would be a nice gesture, but it's up to you.
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    I have plenty of friends with kids and I'm totally used to planning around sleep schedules.   





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    SP29SP29 member
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    It is always acceptable to decline an invitation. I get when someone is a good friend, you want to try and be there, but sometimes you can't.

    A child is a perfectly reasonable reason- not that you have to have one. You don't need to explain yourself or your daughter's sleep schedule- that's really no ones business. I would tell your friend, "I would really love to attend, but unfortunately with the travel and DD, it's not feasible at this time". Send a card and gift.

    You did say this is a few months away- do you need to give a response now? (You shouldn't until a couple weeks before). You could also just sit on it and re-evaluate closer to the date.

    As for the wedding- again, up to you, re-evaluate closer to the date, but don't feel bad for saying no. Again, you don't need to explain yourself but travel + a several hour event + baby does not work for a lot of people. You've got to do whatever keeps your sanity.

    I don't have kids, and only a few of my friends have started having kids. But for those that do- they are babies! (oldest friend's child is turning 3). When I make plans with my friends who have kids, I always ask- what works best for you? Date? Time? Location?
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    O.k I got to the second paragraph and was like "This is what Dads and Grandmas are for!" (it's not babysitting - it's PARENTING!) - you NEED an overnight or two without the 10mo ALONE for your own health's sake!  I can't stress that enough! (speaking from the weathered the storm of 14mo of colicy baby, life/family stress, etc. and finally taking a trip by myself to wake up to how much I was putting on myself that wasn't healthy AT ALL for me!  You have to take care of Mom too!)

    Few things - you won't be in the throws of potty training at that point, 6 hours in the care (3 at a stretch) is easy-peazy.  For $45 you can own a decent DVD player for the car and they - are - AWESOME!!!!  Best investment for long trips EVER!  I wish I hadn't waited so long to get ours!  And, you can put it in the Easter basket if you really need to justify it LOL... 

    Next, you're going to come up with a thousand excuses for yourself not to go.  If you don't want to go, it's not a subpoena, say you can't go but don't pawn the reason/excuse off on it being the LO, then send a nice gift remembering that you aren't going to have the travel expenses to your friend.  IMO - you NEED to go, and alone...  You need to go if only to de-stress yourself from all that is baby/toddler this isn't the 1950's anymore self-guilt you're placing on yourself. 

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    SachaBeeSachaBee member
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    If she's your Number One Best Friend in the World, I would try to go. (Even though this seems like the weirdest event to me. An "After-Baby Shower"? Aren't baby showers structured solely around the concept of buying all the things the mother will need before the baby arrives? Basically none of my friends/family have kids yet except for one with stepkids so I clearly don't know how this works.) I would wait until the last (polite) minute to RSVP to figure out what your babe's schedule will be like then though. Maybe naptime will be completely different, maybe you can leave the kid with a relative, maybe dad can stay home and you can take the train instead of drive, etc etc (I agree it's helpful in general to be able to drive yourself places but right now sounds like it's not the best time to take up a stressful new challenge). 

    If I was your friend, I would 100% understand on a logical level that your kids come first. However, I would be a little hurt, on an emotional level, that you didn't come.  But you know your friend better than I do.
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    ernursejernursej member
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    All the baby showers I have been to are post baby. i would find it a bit weird to go to one where the baby hadn't been born yet. Would be horrible if something happen to the baby after the shower had occurred and getting to cuddle the baby is part of the fun for the guests!
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    SachaBeeSachaBee member
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    OK, thanks guys! Come to think of it, it sounds much, much more fun to have a baby shower with an actual baby.
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    tigerlily6tigerlily6 member
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    I have a few friends who will have kids between 6-18 mo who are invited to my wedding and live approximately 1.5-3 hours away. I would totally not be upset if they cannot make the wedding, even though I would love to have them there. I would try to send your friend a nice card and ship a gift from her registry to her if you cannot make it. She will be a new mom with a baby of her own then, and would hopefully understand your situation.
                        


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    JeeGooDowsterJeeGooDowster member
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    tigerlily6 said:
    I have a few friends who will have kids between 6-18 mo who are invited to my wedding and live approximately 1.5-3 hours away. I would totally not be upset if they cannot make the wedding, even though I would love to have them there. I would try to send your friend a nice card and ship a gift from her registry to her if you cannot make it. She will be a new mom with a baby of her own then, and would hopefully understand your situation.
    I'm going add on to the bolded...and also as another PP has said.  It's totally fine to decline, but when declining, no need for that long explanation of when your baby's sleep schedule is and you have to do this and this and this to keep the baby happy. Your friend will understand and will be too busy caring about her own child.
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    yellowdaisies84yellowdaisies84 member
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    I'm thinking I should just go. With the husband and the baby. (We were all invited.) Just do it. I have a lot of reasons I'm wanting to just stay home but I've been thinking that I also have a lot of really important reasons to just do it. Thanks for all of the input and honesty. It honestly helped me a lot.
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
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    banana468banana468 member
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    Can you baby wear into a nap?   Sometimes that's worked for me.   And when it doesn't, you hand fussy baby off to dad.

    The other thing I see with my kids is that often at that age, a long car ride = nap.  
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Didn't read all the previous responses, but how about this one?  I don't go to showers.  And I don't even have a kid, of any age.  I'll send a gift, but I don't attend showers.  Plan a visit with your family to visit her family when there won't be a dozen other people all clamoring to hold the little one.
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    MandyMostMandyMost member
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    yellowdaisies84 said:
    I'm thinking I should just go. With the husband and the baby. (We were all invited.) Just do it. I have a lot of reasons I'm wanting to just stay home but I've been thinking that I also have a lot of really important reasons to just do it. Thanks for all of the input and honesty. It honestly helped me a lot.
    From reading through this thread, it sounds like going is the best choice for you. Because you need to realize that you CAN maintain your relationships with your friends as well as be a good parent. 

    As with everything in life, it's a choice to go or not. You need to define your priorities, and don't feel guilty about it. If this one-time event for your closest friend is not more important than potentially interrupting one day of your child's life, that's up to you. But it sounds like you're realize that this is just a one-day event, and worth a bit of disruption to get there.
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