Officiant Question...

Re: Officiant Question...

• thisismynickname2 member

  

  March 2016

  I'm with you. If it was his current best friend that'd be one thing, but they haven't been close since high school? Why bother? 

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• jacques27 member

  

  March 2016

  How long ago was high school?  
  
  I think it's a bit peculiar, but not any different than people who pick officiants out of the yellow pages or get married by whomever is available at a courthouse. There is no requirement that you have a close pre-existing relationship with your officiant.
  
  That said, I wouldn't be surprised if his friend turns him down, regardless of how "cool" the guy is. I have a few acquaintances who are pastors and their church bylaws specifically state they are prohibited from performing marriage ceremonies not adhering to the tenets of their faith (I.e. no same sex marriage, no secular services, etc.).  I think as long as your not actively rebuking his chosen faith in the process of our and he's comfortable with it and not prohibited from doing it by his church, there isn't any harm. At the very least you can ask, but be upfront about not wanting religious aspects and very clear that you understand this may not be something he is comfortable with.

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• laurad75 member

  

  March 2016

  I think you should contact him and have a meeting to see if he is a good fit to officiate your wedding.  You can get to know him, find out what one of his typical weddings look like and find out how he feels about a non-religious ceremony.  If it doesn't work out its no big deal since they aren't that close anyway. 

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  March 2016

  dyerwise said:

  This isn't exactly etiquette related, however...
  
  FI wants to ask his childhood friend, D, to be the officiant for our wedding. He and D have not been close since high school but says it would mean a lot to him to ask D to be the officiant.
  
  D is now a Christian minister, FI and I are not religious. I grew up going to a Christian church, but I left when I was 18.
  
  I don't mind a Christian minister being our officiant, however, FI and I would prefer to have a secular ceremony. We do not want any mention of any religion/Lord/God/Jesus. 
  
  I feel really weird/bad asking someone who has decided to dedicate their life to the Christian faith as a minister to leave out any and all reference to God/Jesus.
  
  FI swears it won't be a big deal and D is a "super cool guy".
  
  Any recommendations?
  

  I'm with you.  I think it'd be weird and almost mean to ask him to do this.  I actually have the exact same situation, only in our case it's a current friend.  I don't even want to ask him to not mention God since that's kinda his thing.  But since I don't want any mention of religion or faith, I don't even think we'll ask.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  March 2016

  adk19 said:

  dyerwise said:

  This isn't exactly etiquette related, however...
  
  FI wants to ask his childhood friend, D, to be the officiant for our wedding. He and D have not been close since high school but says it would mean a lot to him to ask D to be the officiant.
  
  D is now a Christian minister, FI and I are not religious. I grew up going to a Christian church, but I left when I was 18.
  
  I don't mind a Christian minister being our officiant, however, FI and I would prefer to have a secular ceremony. We do not want any mention of any religion/Lord/God/Jesus. 
  
  I feel really weird/bad asking someone who has decided to dedicate their life to the Christian faith as a minister to leave out any and all reference to God/Jesus.
  
  FI swears it won't be a big deal and D is a "super cool guy".
  
  Any recommendations?
  

  I'm with you.  I think it'd be weird and almost mean to ask him to do this.  I actually have the exact same situation, only in our case it's a current friend.  I don't even want to ask him to not mention God since that's kinda his thing.  But since I don't want any mention of religion or faith, I don't even think we'll ask.

  I agree with you.
  
  My cousin, who is Jewish, married her now-husband (himself not religious) in an interfaith civil ceremony, and wanted his father, a Mormon clergyman, to "say something" without mentioning anything of a religious nature.  My family all advised her against asking him to say anything.  She made the request anyway, and he did anyway-in a speech full of references to Christ.  
  
  If you don't want religion in your ceremony, don't ask a clergyperson of any religion to officiate, regardless of how "super cool" the person is, because it IS a "big deal."

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  March 2016

  I agree with PPs. It is almost disrespectful to ask a Christian minister to not mention God/Jesus/Christ. Obviously religion is very important to him and you could be putting him in an awkward situation.

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• dyerwise member

  

  March 2016

  Thanks everyone! I'm going to try to talk FI out of asking him, and if I can't talk him out of it then I'll be sure to not be there when he asks so I avoid any awkwardness.  
  

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  March 2016

  UO ... I think it depends on the person & denomination.  If you / FI want to ask, I'd say, "D, we are happy for you & your role in the church.  We know that your faith is obviously a major part of your life, and we'd never want to disrespect that.  We are looking for an officiant for our wedding.  However, considering our lack of faith involvement, we're looking for a strictly secular service.  Do you feel comfortable doing this?"
  
  And see where it goes.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  March 2016

  holyguacamole79 said:

  UO ... I think it depends on the person & denomination.  If you / FI want to ask, I'd say, "D, we are happy for you & your role in the church.  We know that your faith is obviously a major part of your life, and we'd never want to disrespect that.  We are looking for an officiant for our wedding.  However, considering our lack of faith involvement, we're looking for a strictly secular service.  Do you feel comfortable doing this?"
  
  And see where it goes.

  Before I did this, I'd remind FI that if D responds he can only do a religious service in his faith, then D is to be thanked but told that you and FI will find another officiant - and then find someone else.

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• holyguacamole79 member

  

  March 2016

  Jen4948 said:

  holyguacamole79 said:

  UO ... I think it depends on the person & denomination.  If you / FI want to ask, I'd say, "D, we are happy for you & your role in the church.  We know that your faith is obviously a major part of your life, and we'd never want to disrespect that.  We are looking for an officiant for our wedding.  However, considering our lack of faith involvement, we're looking for a strictly secular service.  Do you feel comfortable doing this?"
  
  And see where it goes.

  Before I did this, I'd remind FI that if D responds he can only do a religious service in his faith, then D is to be thanked but told that you and FI will find another officiant - and then find someone else.

  Absolutely.
  
  My brother didn't want to have a Catholic wedding and he asked the our priest if he could officiate a non-Catholic wedding.  Priest said that he couldn't, and my brother thanked him.  No hurt feelings on either side.

  
  
  
  
  

  

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• SP29 member

  

  March 2016

  I also think it a bit of an odd request, but I think it's fine to ask this friend, as holyguacamole has suggested.
  
  Our officiant is a United minister, but he regularly officiates non-secular weddings. He told us upfront that he was happy to officiate whatever style of ceremony we wanted. Thus I don't think it's completely out of left field to ask this friend if he would officiate a secular service.
  

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