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NWR - Annoyed at friend

Greenjinjo Greenjinjo member
100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi all. Would like to get some feedback on the following as I'm not sure if I'm right in how I'm feeling.
One of my friends (let's call him A) of over a decade is having a birthday luncheon this weekend which I was invited to via fb. A is only having a small luncheon, less than 10 people are invited. My S/O is not friends with A on fb, though they have met once or twice before. I don't often see A as our work hours are very different (A does night shifts mainly whereas I work 730 til5) and are about 2 hours apart via public transport (A and I don't drive but my S/O does). Today I reached out to A and was queried as to if the invitation was able to be extended to my S/O as well. I felt it would be more than polite to ask rather than both of us  turning up to lunch, S/O unexpected. A came back and said no, he is keeping it to "only people he knows". As of this I politely informed him that I will not be able to attend due to the 4 hour round trip via public transportation, but hoped he had a lovely luncheon and am hoping to organise meeting up for a drink or three at a bar in town with A, myself and a few others (my birthday is coming up). I had originally assumed S/O would be allowed to come and we would drive there (30 min trip in the car). A said that sounds lovely and is looking forward to the drinks. 

I know this is a very small and trivial thing to be frustrated over but I am wondering what the big 'ol book of etiquette has to say about situations similar to this? I am feeling a bit hurt about this and confused. Would love peoples opinions/an outside perspective as I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong or not, and if I am would like to know so I can adjust my mind set. 

Thank you in advance! 
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Re: NWR - Annoyed at friend

  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Agreed. 

    Weddings, holiday parties, even big birthday bashes are one thing, and SOs should be invited. 

    However, I don't need him around for everything. If there's an event where he'll be the only one who doesn't share our history, interests, and inside jokes, and the group is too small for him to find others to start a side conversation with, either I'm going to have to miss the conversation as I entertain him, or he's going to be bored and out of the loop. Or the group never gets to have those conversations again, because it's rude to bring up with SOs who don't get the jokes, but it's rude not to invite the SOs. If there's no place for small casual gatherings without SOs, it turns into a situation where SOs start to deteriorate friendships. 

    It would be different if this friend never wanted your SO around, and gets upset whenever the two of you show up somewhere, or if he invited others' SOs but not yours, but I think in this specific case, he's entitled to an intimate luncheon like this for his birthday. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You can feel however you feel, but I don't think he's done anything wrong. I do think it's a little odd to exclude s/o's at social functions, but I understand it. Adding s/o's to a group of 8-10 turns it into a group of 16-20, which is logistically more difficult when you're talking about a restaurant, but also changes the vibe. It's always been fine to exclude s/o's from same gender gatherings (e.g. girls' night). As we've evolved and platonic opposite sex relationships are the norm, I would see this as an extension of that.

    I think you're more upset that you pretty much told him you can't make it without your s/o, and that his reaction was "that's too bad" instead of changing the guest list. You're always free to decline an invitation for whatever reason. His obligation is to gracefully accept the decline, not to make accommodations so that it's more convenient for you to attend. He politely accepted the decline. He didn't argue with you that the transportation was NBD or insist that you borrow the car, or do anything else obnoxious. 

    Feel how you feel, but I think you should let it go. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MyNameIsNot said:
    You can feel however you feel, but I don't think he's done anything wrong. I do think it's a little odd to exclude s/o's at social functions, but I understand it. Adding s/o's to a group of 8-10 turns it into a group of 16-20, which is logistically more difficult when you're talking about a restaurant, but also changes the vibe. It's always been fine to exclude s/o's from same gender gatherings (e.g. girls' night). As we've evolved and platonic opposite sex relationships are the norm, I would see this as an extension of that.

    I think you're more upset that you pretty much told him you can't make it without your s/o, and that his reaction was "that's too bad" instead of changing the guest list. You're always free to decline an invitation for whatever reason. His obligation is to gracefully accept the decline, not to make accommodations so that it's more convenient for you to attend. He politely accepted the decline. He didn't argue with you that the transportation was NBD or insist that you borrow the car, or do anything else obnoxious. 

    Feel how you feel, but I think you should let it go. 
    I agree that I would let this go.

    Not every social occasion is a "couple's" occasion like a wedding or a rehearsal dinner.  It doesn't sound like this is one of them.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I think it's fine he only invited his friends to the luncheon. Me thinks if A was a woman, and the event wasn't coed, we wouldn't even be debating it. You never hear any flak for male SOs not being invited out for girls night or bridal showers.

    You were fine to inquire and decline, but he did nothing wrong. Let it go.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Knottie1455492719 said:
    Cool, thanks everyone. I've never really been sure on the whole S/O + social gathering thing as I know for weddings it is rude breaking them up. @MyNameIsNot I think you right in saying I was a bit shocked with the "that's too bad" reaction. It was more of a shock to me as it is almost a "social norm" with my other friends to include s/o in most things. Oh well, I think I will be annoyed for another hour and then file this under "shit to get over". Thank you for the insight everyone, wasn't completely what I wanted to hear but that's why I asked! 
    I started off being totally with you on the annoyance.  Then I read everyone's responses and came over to their side.  I'm exactly in your situation in that I don't have a car and FH does.  I once had to break off plans with a friend because of a change of venue that I just couldn't swing with the late notice and lack of vehicle.  I was super annoyed... then filed it under "shit to get over."  I hope you and your friend find time to get together soon.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I think this is one of those where the size and type of the gathering is what decided it for me.  His birthday with 10 intimate friends, no SOs, fine.  His wedding with 10 intimate friends, no SOs, not fine.

    Or.  His birthday that's a blow out, backyard BBQ with over 100 of his closest friends...but he doesn't know your SO that well, so he isn't invited.  Not fine.

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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am also with adk where at first I was annoyed along with you, and then agreed with others' responses.

    My initial thought was, "SOs should always be invited to social events". That is also how my friend groups tend to roll- everyone knows each other, and whether single or not, everyone is invited.

    But then I did start to think- why is it OK that there are girls/guys nights without SOs? Likewise, I do have a couple of friends that my DH doesn't know and I do hang out with them separately.

    I think the difference comes in the size/intimacy of the event and are other SOs invited. If your friend is truly only inviting his closest friends for a small lunch, I think that is fine. I wouldn't think it fine if he told his other friends they could bring their SOs because he's met them before, but not your SO because they haven't met.
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  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think the difference comes in the size/intimacy of the event and are other SOs invited. If your friend is truly only inviting his closest friends for a small lunch, I think that is fine. I wouldn't think it fine if he told his other friends they could bring their SOs because he's met them before, but not your SO because they haven't met. 


    ~~SIAB~~

    As far as I'm aware my other two friends (who are in a relationship) are going together but will be the only couple there. A has known the male half of the relationship as long as he has known me and he has known the female half since the two started going out. In hindsight I guess my real issue is the distance between myself and the luncheon. If it was in the city I still probably would have gone even though S/O wasn't able as he might have been able to go shopping or meet up with a friend. But since this one is in the suburbs it's a bit too hard. 

    At the end of the day even though A has met S/O before I'm not going hold his decision to say no against him as it is really not a big deal. There are always other events! Just glad I was able to rant and have everyone bring me back down to earth! 

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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yea, you have the right attitude in this. Although I will say, personally in A's shoes, I would have said the invitation was extended to your SO. But that's just me. Even when I would like to have an intimate time out with friends, if one of my friends asked to invite his/her SO for whatever reason, I would oblige. The way I see it, they know the deal, and if they're fine with not being totally in the loop, that's up to them. Also, things change, relationships evolve. Yes, I would love to keep things to the way they were, but hey, the more the merrier! And if it's a friend of mine, I want to know who this SO is, I'd want to know who is in their life, and open up the crew a bit to welcome them in. Again, that's just how I see things. So in your place, yes I would be annoyed, but it is what it is. Not everyone is the same, and your friend is not doing anything wrong etiquette wise. 

    I actually had a similar situation in which a friend is having a bday bash this weekend, and originally she was having it at a random club in queens, starting at midnight, girls only. I feel like she got backlash over that, because she changed the location, time, and extended the invitation to SO's. 
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  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @pinkcow13 with most of my other friends I'm pretty sure they would have been fine with it though to be fair most of my friends aren't single like A. I would have also accommodated but as pp have said it was totally fine for A to decline S/O and I'm feeling a lot less hurt now that I have thought it through. 

    I have had a few situations in the past where I have invited a friend over for a catch up (just us two) and her S/O shows up with her,  without any mention he was coming as well. Pretty rude imo without any mention before hand! This has happened in the past with multiple friends as well. Any tips on mentioning before hand in a not rude way (if possible) how to make it clear it is not a couples hanging out time but just 1 part of the couple? This would be for like a coffee catch up or something pretty casual. 
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Knottie1455492719 said:
    @pinkcow13 with most of my other friends I'm pretty sure they would have been fine with it though to be fair most of my friends aren't single like A. I would have also accommodated but as pp have said it was totally fine for A to decline S/O and I'm feeling a lot less hurt now that I have thought it through. 

    I have had a few situations in the past where I have invited a friend over for a catch up (just us two) and her S/O shows up with her,  without any mention he was coming as well. Pretty rude imo without any mention before hand! This has happened in the past with multiple friends as well. Any tips on mentioning before hand in a not rude way (if possible) how to make it clear it is not a couples hanging out time but just 1 part of the couple? This would be for like a coffee catch up or something pretty casual. 
    "It'll be so good to have some [girl time/bro time/bestie time/whatever] to catch up! I've missed having a chance for the two of us to get together!"
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    JediElizabeth said:
    Knottie1455492719 said:
    @pinkcow13 with most of my other friends I'm pretty sure they would have been fine with it though to be fair most of my friends aren't single like A. I would have also accommodated but as pp have said it was totally fine for A to decline S/O and I'm feeling a lot less hurt now that I have thought it through. 

    I have had a few situations in the past where I have invited a friend over for a catch up (just us two) and her S/O shows up with her,  without any mention he was coming as well. Pretty rude imo without any mention before hand! This has happened in the past with multiple friends as well. Any tips on mentioning before hand in a not rude way (if possible) how to make it clear it is not a couples hanging out time but just 1 part of the couple? This would be for like a coffee catch up or something pretty casual. 
    "It'll be so good to have some [girl time/bro time/bestie time/whatever] to catch up! I've missed having a chance for the two of us to get together!"
    I've asked if we can do something, just the two of us.  Sometimes I'm more blatant, "can we get together without Mike and Kate, just the two of us?  We'll plan something for all of us for another time."
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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Knottie1455492719 said:
    @pinkcow13 with most of my other friends I'm pretty sure they would have been fine with it though to be fair most of my friends aren't single like A. I would have also accommodated but as pp have said it was totally fine for A to decline S/O and I'm feeling a lot less hurt now that I have thought it through. 

    I have had a few situations in the past where I have invited a friend over for a catch up (just us two) and her S/O shows up with her,  without any mention he was coming as well. Pretty rude imo without any mention before hand! This has happened in the past with multiple friends as well. Any tips on mentioning before hand in a not rude way (if possible) how to make it clear it is not a couples hanging out time but just 1 part of the couple? This would be for like a coffee catch up or something pretty casual. 
    Yikes, that's pretty awkward. I would say something like, "Hey how about you and I have a lunch/movie/dinner date and catch up?" Or if you invite a friend over maybe something like "Wanna come over and hang out, just the 2 of us? We can have some wine and cheese and just catch up on things." It definitely is rude to just assume your SO is invited. If there was ever any ambiguity I would just ask before assuming my H was invited somewhere.
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