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Knottie1435788732 · March 2016

Thank you

JediElizabeth · March 2016

Knottie1435788732 said:

My MOH is my best friend from high school we're pretty much sisters. She was excited when I asked her to be in the wedding. So we're my other maids. My mom started planning the shower and no one was stepping up. My mom took the lead and asked for 200 from each. Another maid offered more to help. My MOH now suddenly can't afford my wedding and is asking me to be ok with her not offering much or bowing out completely.

She is getting married next year, she was asked by another friend to be in their wedding. So I don't know what to do it hurt me a lot that she is not making an effort at all. Suggestions?

Your MOH is under no obligation to host, help with, or give any money to your shower. If your mother wants to host one, she may, and your BMs may help as much as the want, but none of them are obligated to.

You should apologize to your MOH for the obligation your mom tried to force on her, and tell her you're only expecting her to be there on time in the dress you chose the day of.

Also, talk to your mother and tell her that you don't want her "voluntelling" the BMs to help. If she's not willing to pay for the shower she wants to throw, and is putting pressure on your friends despite you asking her not to, you can decline the shower altogether.

ernursej · March 2016

Being a MOH or Bridesmaid means showing up on time and sober in the agreed upon attire and posing for a few pictures. There is no obligation to plan or provide financial assistance for any pre-wedding parties. Additionally (in case this comes up) wedding party members shouldn't even be asked to have their hair/makeup/nails done professionally (unless the bride is paying). Essentially, they pay for the dress and that is it. The dress should be within a budget that is discussed prior to dress shopping and privately with each maid. You shop for a dress that is in the lowest budget so everyone is happy.

Please apologize to your MOH for you and your Mom's expectations and tell her you would love her to continue to stand beside you without the previous drama. If she would like to bow out, graciously accept and then do not replace her. Weddings can continue without a MOH or any bridal party members.

OP - Please stick around as this site is great for getting an idea of what is right etiquette-wise and what is wrong. It also gives you a great impartial sounding board to discuss your ideas before you put them into action. A lot of brides (me included) have found great advice and stopped short of doing something inappropriate.

glasgowtolondon · March 2016

You don't have a MOH problem. She has a bride/MOB problem.

1) Your mum is out of line. Big time. How dare she tell someone how to spend their money?
2) Your MOH has done nothing wrong for the reasons pp's have outlined.
3) If you want to keep her as a friend I suggest you apologize. Take the wedding out of this - in what other situation would you/your mum have these outrageous expectations for your friends time and money? Exchanging rings with someone does not give you the right to treat your loved ones like an atm.

Just breath and take a moment to put yourself in your friends shoes. The very fact that she has spoken up about this is commendable, most don't and let me tell you from personal experience, things like this can ruin friendships.

Viczaesar · March 2016

Knottie1435788732 said:

My MOH is my best friend from high school we're pretty much sisters. She was excited when I asked her to be in the wedding. So we're my other maids. My mom started planning the shower and no one was stepping up. My mom took the lead and asked for 200 from each. Another maid offered more to help. My MOH now suddenly can't afford my wedding and is asking me to be ok with her not offering much or bowing out completely.

She is getting married next year, she was asked by another friend to be in their wedding. So I don't know what to do it hurt me a lot that she is not making an effort at all. Suggestions?

Your mother was in the wrong. Your friend's only job and only expense is the dress (chosen with her budget and comfort in mind) and any transportation costs. It's not her job to throw you a shower. Your mother was way out of line asking people for money. Apologize to your friend on your mother's behalf and assure her that all you want is for her to stand at your side when you get married.

LondonLisa · March 2016

Knottie1435788732 said:

My MOH is my best friend from high school we're pretty much sisters. She was excited when I asked her to be in the wedding. So we're my other maids. My mom started planning the shower and no one was stepping up. My mom took the lead and asked for 200 from each. Another maid offered more to help. My MOH now suddenly can't afford my wedding and is asking me to be ok with her not offering much or bowing out completely.

She is getting married next year, she was asked by another friend to be in their wedding. So I don't know what to do it hurt me a lot that she is not making an effort at all. Suggestions?

Suggestions? Apologise now and grow up.

You and your mum are 100% wrong in this situation. If I was given a bill for a party I did not agree to host, I would seriously consider dropping out too.

You need a rapid readjustment of priorities and acceptable adult behaviour. Demanding money from others for a party is disgusting. All an MOH has to do is wear a dress and show up on the day.

I'd start grovelling ASAP to save the friendship.

missfrodo · March 2016

*Tried to reply, you DD'd*
*Stuck in box*
OP, it's considered very rude to delete your post. Since you were quoted, it doesn't really matter, so lurkers can still learn from your experience. But it basically makes it look like you are flouncing, or throwing a little hissy fit because posters apparently didn't give you the responses you were looking for. Adults who listen to the advice often leave a reply like "I see what you mean...That was pretty rotten of me, and I will apologize to her right away!"
You will learn a lot if you stick around. I was going to add that weddings are not tit-for-tat, so just because you have her as your MOH, she is not obligated to have you as hers when she gets married. If you and your mother continue to use her as an atm machine and/or unpaid help, this will not be a concern because she will no longer be friends with you after your wedding. Seriously, the only way to salvage this relationship with your long-time friend is to apologize. Is it worth losing a friend over a wedding?

MandTFebruary62011 · March 2016

A wedding is very expensive. We will be guests at three this year and are paying for ours on our own next year (actually, guests at two and I'm in one). As a guest I'm already shelling out quite a bit of dollars to go to pre-wedding parties and get a hotel room because I want to be able to do these things for my friends and be there. No one is asking me to do this, I choose to do this, yet it still starts to get difficult to afford and I get to decide how much I can spend or in what I have the ability to participate. I can't imagine planning my own wedding, being in two other ones and THEN being asked to shell out $200 for a shower that I'm not hosting (and I'm assuming still will be expected to bring a gift to).

If you are such good friends then her being there for you is all that matters - not how much she spends on your pre-wedding things. She will be there for you because she cares about you and that's what matters. Time to ask her to not drop out and apologize for the requests for a big chunk of change.

TrixieJess · March 2016

I don't get to break out this gif much anymore. Thanks OP.

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