Moms and Maids

How to Inculde out of Town FMIL

Let me put out my disclaimer, I do not have the most bubbly, inviting personality. I am an introvert who is close to like 5 people and I like it that way. My fiancé, is the complete opposite. So anyway my FMIL missed out on the chance to plan her only daughter's wedding because she eloped. So this is her only other opportunity to be involved in planning a wedding (my fiancé is her only son). I do want to include her but I currently live in a different state than her, she's not really all that mobile, and she's not one of my close 5 people lol. Anywho I plan on taking my engagement photos where they live and I also plan on going with her when she picks out her dress for the wedding. What other ways can I include her without it being super awkward?
KnotRiley

Re: How to Inculde out of Town FMIL

  • Let me put out my disclaimer, I do not have the most bubbly, inviting personality. I am an introvert who is close to like 5 people and I like it that way. My fiancé, is the complete opposite. So anyway my FMIL missed out on the chance to plan her only daughter's wedding because she eloped. So this is her only other opportunity to be involved in planning a wedding (my fiancé is her only son). I do want to include her but I currently live in a different state than her, she's not really all that mobile, and she's not one of my close 5 people lol. Anywho I plan on taking my engagement photos where they live and I also plan on going with her when she picks out her dress for the wedding. What other ways can I include her without it being super awkward?
    Find out what she wants to "help" out with.  Maybe she'd like to share a pinterest board with you where you can add ideas whether you use her ideas or not.  Maybe she's really super excited about flowers and you don't care, you can give her ultimate choice on flowers.  I have a co-worker planning a wedding.  Her FMIL is all about the invitations and the cake.  Co-worker is letting her FMIL just run with it, making all the cake decisions on her own, and letting her select the top 10 invitations to go with; co-worker and her FI will make the final decision.  It's up to you guys how involved she wants and gets to be.
    SP29
  • Agree with PPs.  You and FI can ask what is important to her and then let her run with one or two of those things if you are comfortable with that.  If your FI was planning to do a spotlight dance with her, he could ask her to get started picking out the song.

    DH and I planned from out of state.  There was a lot of emailing saying we're trying to decide between X and Y, what do you think? with all of the parents.  We also "let" each mom do something she really wanted.  MIL wanted people to ring little bells for our exit from the ceremony; DH and I did not care so we let her put that together.
    image
    Anniversary


  • Ditto PPS. 

    Just curious, as it sounds like you have good intentions but...Does she want you to come with her shopping? My MIL would have been so uncomfortable in that situation.


  • So I talked to my fiancé yesterday, apparently he's been trying to downplay how overbearing he has been to him about different aspects of the wedding (I feel bad for him). I took yall's adviceand put her on a couple of things to make her feel like she has some control.l (doesn't like colors, doesn't like it's in my home town, doesn't like it's not in a church, doesn't like it's not on a Saturday, doesn't like we will be living together before our wedding to help save money, I can keep going) I put her on swatch control (will actually be a big help) and since our wedding is during the 4th of July weekend with a good number of out of town guest, we are planning a big barbeque for everyone for our rehearsal dinner so I put her on that. Hopefully this satisfies her and she stops bothering my poor fiancé and my conscious can remain clear.

    [Deleted User]
  • Oh, and I plan to Skype her into my bridal appointment. If that isn't enough Pinterest will be my lifesaver. She's already sent me pictures of cakes she likes through Facebook so Pinterest will be her best friend. Thanks everyone!
  • So I talked to my fiancé yesterday, apparently he's been trying to downplay how overbearing he has been to him about different aspects of the wedding (I feel bad for him). I took yall's adviceand put her on a couple of things to make her feel like she has some control.l (doesn't like colors, doesn't like it's in my home town, doesn't like it's not in a church, doesn't like it's not on a Saturday, doesn't like we will be living together before our wedding to help save money, I can keep going) I put her on swatch control (will actually be a big help) and since our wedding is during the 4th of July weekend with a good number of out of town guest, we are planning a big barbeque for everyone for our rehearsal dinner so I put her on that. Hopefully this satisfies her and she stops bothering my poor fiancé and my conscious can remain clear.

    What is "swatch control"? 

    Glad you've found a way to include her without it becoming too intrusive for you. I'm lucky that my FMIL isn't really very interested, other than being pleased for us and looking forward to the wedding. It's pretty sweet!
                 
    Heffalump
  • She plans on going to a fabric store and picking out the perfect shade of Marsala/wine for me to pick out BM dresses, ties, and for her to get her dress. I've ordered some swatches online but haven't found a color I'm satisfied with yet. I'm currently working 2 jobs so it is harder for me to make time to go to different stores to get swatches. You are lucky!


  • Are you sure you want to skype with her for dress shopping? She sounds like she has a lot of opinions and that you're not super close. Dress shopping can be stressful with a lot of opinions, especially if you say you're an introvert. I'm pretty extroverted and love shopping and it was still a long, tiring day and I only had my mom with me. 

    I would suggest either sending her some pictures after you're done, either of your favorites or the one you choose. My SIL also took a video of my dress for MIL (also OOT) at the fitting so she could see it. 
    short+sassy
  • She plans on going to a fabric store and picking out the perfect shade of Marsala/wine for me to pick out BM dresses, ties, and for her to get her dress. I've ordered some swatches online but haven't found a color I'm satisfied with yet. I'm currently working 2 jobs so it is harder for me to make time to go to different stores to get swatches. You are lucky!


    And what if her version of "the perfect shade of marsala" is material from the fabric store that Davids bridal/alfred angelo/j crew etc. doesn't make bridesmaid dresses in?



  • I'm an introvert but I can be kinda spicy and hard headed, opinions don't really effect me and I know this is something she would want to be a part of, I'm just not paying to have her travel to where I live for that moment. But sending her pictures is a good idea as well, there's a good chance I will do that instead.
  • @Inioxin8 LOL! I wish I knew what the perfect shade was too. I've ordered swatches from Alfred Angelo and J Crew and didn't like the colors, I haven't tried David's Bridal yet, I need to find a Saturday to do that, just haven't fit it in yet. But I'll let her have fun with it.
  • Is there anything she could make for you? For my friend's barn wedding, I hand made her a bunting banner with fabric and jute. It was a fun project. If you could give her something like that, that might make her very happy.
    I'm including other people in my planning by giving them "sneak peeks", for example, sending them a photo of the centerpieces. That way, they know it's already been chosen, but they aren't left completely in the dark.
    vturnipseed1
  • I've been sharing stuff with with my future mother in law after the stuff is chosen and she's been a really cool cheerleader. we're not super close either but she's very nice.. she doesn't have any girls...and the BF's brother probably won't get married...in the same boat as you, pretty much.:) super close with my mom's side of our (small) extended family but i can count the number of friends i have on one hand. 
    i think she seems to appreciate it. 
    david's bridal was a godsend!!! go!! got my dress there for under 300(swiss dot sweetheart) at the one in ottawa. we're going back with my mom and FMIL for their dresses and both of them seem excited. try and save some choices in your favorites online before going with them. this was super helpful for the girl helping us out. also, now is the time...i think they are still offering up to 150 off full price dresses.
  • edited March 2016
    I'm helping a friends daughter with her wedding, that is why I have this account.  That being said I am a 47 year old mom/wife/etc.  Being a very laid back mother myself, (who got married at the court house and didn't have her own wedding), if you don't put your foot down now this is how she will also work in your marriage.  That's just my $.02 worth.
    My relationship with my MIL and SIL's wasn't good when I first met my husband.  They were all very dramatic and outspoken.  If you agreed with them, things were dandy, if not, they made you feel bad.  I had enough one day, spoke my mind and told then if they didn't like it they could defer from speaking to me.  Once I did that, I seem to be accepted.  Lots of times people will push until you push back just to see how far they can go with you.  I'm not saying be as blunt as I was, but it may take some blunt speaking if she is as pushy as your fiancé says she is.
    Very Important to remember, this is YOUR and your Fiancé's day, NOT anyone else, including your soon to be MIL.  Yes, it's her only son, but it's not her wedding.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    She plans on going to a fabric store and picking out the perfect shade of Marsala/wine for me to pick out BM dresses, ties, and for her to get her dress. I've ordered some swatches online but haven't found a color I'm satisfied with yet. I'm currently working 2 jobs so it is harder for me to make time to go to different stores to get swatches. You are lucky!


    Have you spoken to your BM's about their price point?  What if you find the perfect shade of wine and that particular dress is not in their budget?  You are not making your MIL wear a dress of YOUR choosing, I hope.  The MOB and FMIL do NOT have to match your bridal party, nor should they be told what to wear.
  • @MobKaz I honestly do not care what she wears. She just wants to help out and find a color for her outfit and help find a color to use as a reference for the BM dresses. I have a price point in mind, just having difficulty finding something that isn't either too red or too purple.
  • Knottie1455320177 as long as the convo is just between her and her son, I plan to keep it that way, if she approaches me I really don't have a problem standing up for myself. My fiancé has been holding his ground, I'm just sad for him because my parents have been really cool and supportive and I hate he has to go through that with his.
  • I'm helping a friends daughter with her wedding, that is why I have this account.  That being said I am a 47 year old mom/wife/etc.  Being a very laid back mother myself, (who got married at the court house and didn't have her own wedding), if you don't put your foot down now this is how she will also work in your marriage.  That's just my $.02 worth.
    My relationship with my MIL and SIL's wasn't good when I first met my husband.  They were all very dramatic and outspoken.  If you agreed with them, things were dandy, if not, they made you feel bad.  I had enough one day, spoke my mind and told then if they didn't like it they could defer from speaking to me.  Once I did that, I seem to be accepted.  Lots of times people will push until you push back just to see how far they can go with you.  I'm not saying be as blunt as I was, but it may take some blunt speaking if she is as pushy as your fiancé says she is.
    Very Important to remember, this is YOUR and your Fiancé's day, NOT anyone else, including your soon to be MIL.  Yes, it's her only son, but it's not her wedding.
    BullSHIT!  It is indeed everyone's day.  Unless I die between now and this person's wedding, it will be MY DAY too even though I'm not even invited to the wedding.  You don't get a monopoly on A DAY!  It's not my Wedding Day, but it is In Fact, My Day.  Don't be perpetuating this "my day" bullshit here on The Knot.  You're planning a party for fucks sake.
  • @MobKaz I honestly do not care what she wears. She just wants to help out and find a color for her outfit and help find a color to use as a reference for the BM dresses. I have a price point in mind, just having difficulty finding something that isn't either too red or too purple.
    Have you asked each bridesmaid individually what their budget is? You can't just assign a price yourself. You need to find out what they can spend and choose a dress equal to or less than the lowest amount any of them says.
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @MobKaz I honestly do not care what she wears. She just wants to help out and find a color for her outfit and help find a color to use as a reference for the BM dresses. I have a price point in mind, just having difficulty finding something that isn't either too red or too purple.
    Have you asked each bridesmaid individually what their budget is? You can't just assign a price yourself. You need to find out what they can spend and choose a dress equal to or less than the lowest amount any of them says.
    This is one of my questions as well.  @vturnipseed1 said she has ordered swatches from "from Alfred Angelo and J Crew", and plans on looking at David's Bridal as well.  There is a HUGE price point differential between those shops. 
  • @vturnipseed1, please don't get married to a color. It will be much easier for everyone if you are more flexible about that. 
    [Deleted User]
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