Wedding Party

I'm a backup....brides-man?

edited March 2016 in Wedding Party
My best friend of over ten years asked me to be a backup brides-man? Yes, I'm a man, my friend getting married is a woman and I'm both extremely honored and slightly disappointed at the same time, on top of being completely confused.  First, having even been considered was very unexpected, and I of course would love to be apart of her wedding in some way, but after some thought, I felt a little bad that she didn't actually ask me to stand up in the bridal party or to be a part of the wedding in any capacity and perhaps the more I thought about it, I have no clue what a "backup" is supposed to do - if anything at all? What could be expected of me? What should I do or not do? I'm completely comfortable doing anything for her so I guess I'm a little sad that I wasn't asked and I'm wondering should I feel slightly insulted by being second string because we talk to each other everyday, all day, for ten years.  Do "backups" really exist? Do I do anything? Should I tell her how I feel or leave it be. I'll be flying to New York this winter for the wedding and Its expected to be a large production. 

Re: I'm a backup....brides-man?

  • Back ups are definitely not a thing. Your friend is treating you really poorly here, I'm not surprised you feel badly about it. She is saying you're not good enough to be in the wedding party, but if/when a spot becomes vacant (and you know this bride will be the type to 'fire' people) you're in the running. Ehhhh, no thanks. There is no rule that says you need to accept this bullshit 'honour', you could say 'friend, thank you so much for thinking of me but I would really prefer to be a guest at your wedding'. Think about this, if she is pulling bullshit like this now, what kind of unreasonable demands are waiting further down the line. We see it all the time on here, for some reason a ring goes on the finger and perfectly normal people lose their damn minds.
                 
  • Ugh...lurkers...THIS is why we advocare against "back-up" wedding party.

    OP, you have every right to be disappointed and hurt, your "friend" is trying to have her cake and eat it too. You are welcome to decline this "honour" and just attend her wedding as a guest.
  • Yikes. I've never heard of anyone actually asking someone to be an understudy for their wedding party. How rude. I'm not sure I would remain friends with this person who so clearly cares more about the 'right' number of warm bodies than having her loved ones by her side.
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  • My best friend of over ten years asked me to be a backup brides-man? Yes, I'm a man, my friend getting married is a woman and I'm both extremely honored and slightly disappointed at the same time, on top of being completely confused.  First, having even been considered was very unexpected, and I of course would love to be apart of her wedding in some way, but after some thought, I felt a little bad that she didn't actually ask me to stand up in the bridal party or to be a part of the wedding in any capacity and perhaps the more I thought about it, I have no clue what a "backup" is supposed to do - if anything at all? What could be expected of me? What should I do or not do? I'm completely comfortable doing anything for her so I guess I'm a little sad that I wasn't asked and I'm wondering should I feel slightly insulted by being second string because we talk to each other everyday, all day, for ten years.  Do "backups" really exist? Do I do anything? Should I tell her how I feel or leave it be. I'll be flying to New York this winter for the wedding and Its expected to be a large production. 
    Yes, you should feel insulted. Your friend sucks. Sorry, not sorry. 

    Honestly, if my friend did this to me I'd probably find a reason not to be in New York that particular weekend. Whether or not you explain why is entirely up to you. 
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  • My best friend of over ten years asked me to be a backup brides-man? Yes, I'm a man, my friend getting married is a woman and I'm both extremely honored and slightly disappointed at the same time, on top of being completely confused.  First, having even been considered was very unexpected, and I of course would love to be apart of her wedding in some way, but after some thought, I felt a little bad that she didn't actually ask me to stand up in the bridal party or to be a part of the wedding in any capacity and perhaps the more I thought about it, I have no clue what a "backup" is supposed to do - if anything at all? What could be expected of me? What should I do or not do? I'm completely comfortable doing anything for her so I guess I'm a little sad that I wasn't asked and I'm wondering should I feel slightly insulted by being second string because we talk to each other everyday, all day, for ten years.  Do "backups" really exist? Do I do anything? Should I tell her how I feel or leave it be. I'll be flying to New York this winter for the wedding and Its expected to be a large production
    Is your "friend" directing a play?


  • WTH? Are you like an understudy? How awful. I'd ask your friend directly what she expects of you. And then I'd tell her thanks, but no thanks. 
  • No, this is not a thing. You have every right to feel hurt. Your friend told you that she'd like to include you in the WP, but only if someone more important is unable to do so. For the life of me, I can't see this for anything other than a deliberate insult. 

    I would decline the "honor" and determine my future actions based on her response. 
  • OP, this sucks. I'd be upset too. And if this were me and my best friend, I'd absolutely tell him/her. I hope she just got caught up in the ZOMG BRIDE crap that's in every bridal magazine/website/vendor and didn't think before she acted.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Unless you're expected to show up in SWAT gear and drive the get away car (which would be pretty cool actually ) then what your friend did is super shitty, rude and disrespectful.  I would decline the "honor". 

  • Please send her over here so we can help her see the flaws in her plans.
  • OP, this sucks. I'd be upset too. And if this were me and my best friend, I'd absolutely tell him/her. I hope she just got caught up in the ZOMG BRIDE crap that's in every bridal magazine/website/vendor and didn't think before she acted.
    This is my line of thinking too. Maybe she doesn't think she's "allowed" to have men stand on her side because it's not traditional; maybe she really meant honorary and not "stand in if someone drops out." One of DH's best friends is female and it took him awhile to come around to the idea of asking her to stand up on his side. 

    Just talk to her and find out what's up. If you're really that close, it would be great for you to stand up on her side. Plenty of us have had mixed bridal parties and maybe she just needs to see evidence of that before making you an official bridesman. 
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  • This is so shitty. Sorry, OP. Ditto everything PPs have said. This is not a real thing, and it's very hurtful. 


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  • What a shitty thing to do to a friend. I'm sorry, OP.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • That is definitely shitty.  I'm very sorry your "best friend" is treating you like that.

    I would tell her, "Friend, while I would be honored to be a bridesman or a guest, I do not feel honored to asked to be a 'backup.' If you don't want me to actually be a bridesman, then I'd rather just be a guest."
  • I agree with everyone else. You have every right to tell your "friend" that you're hurt by being asked to be a backup (which is not a thing and very insulting to be asked to do). Tell her how you feel and that you'd rather just be a guest. Her reaction will tell you once and for all how much she really values your friendship.
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  • Knottie1424457446 
    Any updates? Did you talk to your friend?
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