Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

plus 1 help?

Knottie1435706869Knottie1435706869 member
5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiancé and I have sent out save the date cards at this point but not actual invitations, which will be addressed to only those invited. But one of my fiancé's friends has already sent an RSVP - with a plus one. Our venue only holds 200 people and we're already pushing the limit, so my fiancé and I agreed there would be no plus ones. But now he wants to make an exception and let his friend bring a date. I'm against it - if we make an exception for one person, then I'd feel bad telling my friends they can't bring a date. 

On the one hand, it is his girlfriend. They haven't been together that long and I'm not sure how serious they are, but neither my fiancé nor I have ever met her. Still, she is his girlfriend. On the other hand, we don't know this girl and I had to cut out a lot of my friends just to keep the guest list at 200. And my fiancé's friend is close friends with a good 50% of the invited guest list, so it's not like he'd be alone or that he wouldn't know anyone. 

What would you guys do in this situation? Let it slide and let him bring a date, or put your foot down and be firm? 
Report Reply to Post

Re: plus 1 help?

  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Girlfriend/boyfriend = SO = rude if you don't invite them. This applies to all your guests. It doesn't matter if you haven't met them or how long they have been together. All significant others must get an invite. 
    Report Reply
  • Knottie1435706869Knottie1435706869 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    We did actually factor in significant others - as well as vendors. This particular girlfriend wasn't factored in because they weren't dating when we made our guest list. We didn't even know she existed until we got the RSVP. So please don't tell me I "messed up big time" because of one person. I'm stressed enough without that, thanks. I appreciate the advice, though. I wasn't aware that it was considered super rude to not invite even really new significant others, so I'll definitely keep that in mind going forward. Thanks :)
    Report Reply
  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I feel your pain, but these things do need to be planned for. I have my list, but the handful of single people on it may well have a bf/gf by the timr invite time rolls round. If that happens I just have to suck it up. Which I will because I love these people and I want to treat them with respect. Did you send STD's to absolutely everyone? If not there may be an odd person that can be cut from the list if you are absolutely at your capacity limit. If its a cost thing, you need to make it work. Cut costs on centrepieces, flowers, or something else non essential.
                 
    Report Reply
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    You might want to go back and take another look at your guest list and see if there was anyone else single at the time you made it -- if they have girlfriends or boyfriends now, those people will need to be added to your list. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie1435706869 said:
    My fiancé and I have sent out save the date cards at this point but not actual invitations, which will be addressed to only those invited. But one of my fiancé's friends has already sent an RSVP - with a plus one. Our venue only holds 200 people and we're already pushing the limit, so my fiancé and I agreed there would be no plus ones. But now he wants to make an exception and let his friend bring a date. I'm against it - if we make an exception for one person, then I'd feel bad telling my friends they can't bring a date. 

    On the one hand, it is his girlfriend. They haven't been together that long and I'm not sure how serious they are, but neither my fiancé nor I have ever met her. Still, she is his girlfriend. On the other hand, we don't know this girl and I had to cut out a lot of my friends just to keep the guest list at 200. And my fiancé's friend is close friends with a good 50% of the invited guest list, so it's not like he'd be alone or that he wouldn't know anyone. 

    What would you guys do in this situation? Let it slide and let him bring a date, or put your foot down and be firm? 
    Just to give you some perspective, OP ... my (now) husband and I met online in late February and met IRL 3 weeks later (early/mid March).  We were engaged late May.  During those 3 months, I received a wedding invitation addressed to just me (which is fair, since one of them was from an out-of-state relative who wouldn't have known about the relationship).  I RSVPed for the 2 of us and the host was gracious.  When we attended the wedding, I brought him as my fiance.  
    As PPs have said, the right thing to do is to have FI call this friend and get the name of friend's GF so you can properly address the invite to the two of them.  




    Report Reply
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
     Knottie1435706869 said:
    We did actually factor in significant others - as well as vendors. This particular girlfriend wasn't factored in because they weren't dating when we made our guest list. We didn't even know she existed until we got the RSVP. So please don't tell me I "messed up big time" because of one person. I'm stressed enough without that, thanks. I appreciate the advice, though. I wasn't aware that it was considered super rude to not invite even really new significant others, so I'll definitely keep that in mind going forward. Thanks :)
    You need to invite every guest's SO at the time you're sending invitations out. One of my H's very good friends started dating a girl right around the time we sent out invites. We knew they had been on two dates, but didn't know it was serious. When I realized that he considered her his girlfriend, I called him and told him that of course he was welcome to bring her. My H and I had never met her before, and we met her for the first time at our wedding. 
    PS - they're now married. 
    Report Reply
  • laurad75laurad75 member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    You should definitely invite the girlfriend when the invitations go out.  How many people did you send STD's to?  Are you really in danger of inviting more people than your venue can hold?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    And this is why people should always plan for every single guest to bring a plus one.  That does not mean that you then HAVE to give single guests a plus one if they are truly single when invites go out, but this way you have no surprises to your budget or capacity when so and so gets into a relationship before your wedding.

    Report Reply
  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Did he verbally RSVP? Or did you send an rsvp card with your STD?


    Report Reply
  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    lnixon8 said:
    Did he verbally RSVP? Or did you send an rsvp card with your STD?
    I was wondering this too... You are not supposed to request an RSVP for a Save the Date. It's not an invitation, but a notification so that the guest can clear their calendar and keep an eye out for the actual invitation.

    Did you send RSVP cards w/the STD? If so, why?
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Knottie1435706869 said:
    We did actually factor in significant others - as well as vendors. This particular girlfriend wasn't factored in because they weren't dating when we made our guest list. We didn't even know she existed until we got the RSVP. So please don't tell me I "messed up big time" because of one person. I'm stressed enough without that, thanks. I appreciate the advice, though. I wasn't aware that it was considered super rude to not invite even really new significant others, so I'll definitely keep that in mind going forward. Thanks :)
    Was he the only single (based on your knowledge at the time the STD went out) guest on your list?

    At the time my STDs went out, most of my friends were single. And most of them had been pretty "perpetually single" the whole time I'd known them. But by the time the invites went out, I think ALL of them were in relationships! It was crazy, but luckily I had planned for it just in case. We're talking 8 people here, I think....so that was 8 "extra" guests not on my list. And one couple actually broke up right after the invites went out. You never know what's happening in someone else's life.

    And personally, I've never been to a wedding where I thought "wow, this is WAY too much space". Even if they guest count was far under the max, the venue always had a way to lay out the room so it seemed nicely full instead of half-empty. But I've been to way too many weddings where they clearly filled to capacity, and there was barely room to move. I HATE that. I would always aim for no more than 75% of the max capacity of a venue, so you can be sure there will be enough space to walk around the tables, and enough room for a dance floor, etc.
    Report Reply
  • teddygirl9teddygirl9 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm confused as to why he rsvp'd to an std. First of all, I'd not worry about it until you actually send the invites, but if they are in a relationship at that point, then invite her. If he is single again, then you can check if you want to give him a +1.
    image
    Report Reply
  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Knottie1435706869 said:
    My fiancé and I have sent out save the date cards at this point but not actual invitations, which will be addressed to only those invited. But one of my fiancé's friends has already sent an RSVP - with a plus one. Our venue only holds 200 people and we're already pushing the limit, so my fiancé and I agreed there would be no plus ones. But now he wants to make an exception and let his friend bring a date. I'm against it - if we make an exception for one person, then I'd feel bad telling my friends they can't bring a date. 

    On the one hand, it is his girlfriend. They haven't been together that long and I'm not sure how serious they are, but neither my fiancé nor I have ever met her. Still, she is his girlfriend. On the other hand, we don't know this girl and I had to cut out a lot of my friends just to keep the guest list at 200. And my fiancé's friend is close friends with a good 50% of the invited guest list, so it's not like he'd be alone or that he wouldn't know anyone. 

    What would you guys do in this situation? Let it slide and let him bring a date, or put your foot down and be firm? 
    The bolded concerns me a little bit. My old boss sent STD cards about 8 months in advance of her wedding. For months, clients were coming in gushing over her STD photos, co-workers talking about how excited they were to attend the wedding, etc. At one point a client told her she's going to have a fun time figuring out her seating arrangements for so many people, to which she replied "Well first we have to figure out who we're actually inviting outside of family."

    As I was picking my own jaw up, I couldn't help but recognize the flash of disgust on the client's face, who just replied "Oh, right, that's certainly important. Have a good evening, ladies." It was so uncomfortable because everybody but her knew how incredibly rude it is to tell people to save a date for something they won't be invited to. I hope I'm just suffering from etiquette PTSD and completely misinterpretting your post, OP, but I hope you do know that you must invite everybody that you sent a STD to.
    Report Reply
  • Knottie1435706869Knottie1435706869 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Wah so many comments! I'm grateful for all the advice :)

    As for the save the dates, there was definitely no rsvp card. It was literally just a magnet with our photo and the date of our wedding. Apparently we have some really eager family and friends, because we've actually had several rsvps already on our website, which is where this particular friend rsvped. So no, to answer several questions, we didn't send out any rsvp cards or even request an rsvp yet. 

    As to the question about addressing the invitations to only those who are invited, I think I wasn't quite clear. Of course everyone who got a save the date will also get an invitation. When I wrote that, I meant that I will write specific names as opposed to 'the Smith Family,' which is how we did our save the dates. And, as in the case with this particular issue, the save the date was only addressed to my fiancé's friend, so for the invitation I would address to both him and his girlfriend. I can't even imagine not sending an invitation to people we sent a save the date to! I meant that I wouldn't address an invitation to 'Lisa Smith and Guest' or anything. Sorry to be confusing!

    As for the amount of single guests, honestly we have very few single people on our guest list! There are maybe a handful, but that's it. And, as we've had a few couples break up since we sent the save the dates, I think (hope) that things will even out if others get into relationships before the wedding. We're only two months out from our wedding at this point, so hopefully not too terribly much will change, but if it does, we'll roll with it. 

    Our guest list is at almost 200 (including spouses, significant others, vendors, children, my fiancé and I, etc. etc.), which is capacity for our venue, but we've included people on this list that we know for certain can't come but needed to be invited anyway. We're confident that we won't be over capacity, and hopefully we won't be too cramped! Our venue is a multi-level, indoor-outdoor situation, so hopefully people will be able to spread out to mingle. 

    Thanks again for all the advice! :) 
    Report Reply
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Knottie1435706869 said:
    Wah so many comments! I'm grateful for all the advice :)

    As for the save the dates, there was definitely no rsvp card. It was literally just a magnet with our photo and the date of our wedding. Apparently we have some really eager family and friends, because we've actually had several rsvps already on our website, which is where this particular friend rsvped. So no, to answer several questions, we didn't send out any rsvp cards or even request an rsvp yet. 

    As to the question about addressing the invitations to only those who are invited, I think I wasn't quite clear. Of course everyone who got a save the date will also get an invitation. When I wrote that, I meant that I will write specific names as opposed to 'the Smith Family,' which is how we did our save the dates. And, as in the case with this particular issue, the save the date was only addressed to my fiancé's friend, so for the invitation I would address to both him and his girlfriend. I can't even imagine not sending an invitation to people we sent a save the date to! I meant that I wouldn't address an invitation to 'Lisa Smith and Guest' or anything. Sorry to be confusing!

    As for the amount of single guests, honestly we have very few single people on our guest list! There are maybe a handful, but that's it. And, as we've had a few couples break up since we sent the save the dates, I think (hope) that things will even out if others get into relationships before the wedding. We're only two months out from our wedding at this point, so hopefully not too terribly much will change, but if it does, we'll roll with it. 

    Our guest list is at almost 200 (including spouses, significant others, vendors, children, my fiancé and I, etc. etc.), which is capacity for our venue, but we've included people on this list that we know for certain can't come but needed to be invited anyway. We're confident that we won't be over capacity, and hopefully we won't be too cramped! Our venue is a multi-level, indoor-outdoor situation, so hopefully people will be able to spread out to mingle. 

    Thanks again for all the advice! :) 
    If you're only 2 months out from your wedding, you better get those invitations in the mail in the next couple weeks.  Invitations for weddings usually go around at around the 8 week mark.
    Report Reply
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie1435706869 said:
    Our venue is a multi-level, indoor-outdoor situation, so hopefully people will be able to spread out to mingle. 

    Thanks again for all the advice! :) 
    Okay, you volunteered this ...... multi-level?  Does that mean that some of your guests will be on different floors for the ceremony / reception?




    Report Reply
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    At this point, you probably should have skipped STDs and went straight to invitations.  STDs are for much farther out, like 6-9 months in advance of the wedding.  Invitations are for 6-8 weeks out, so you should be getting them in the main ASAP.

    Also, when you create the initial guest list, it doesn't matter if a single person ends up with a SO.  But when you go to send out your invitations, that is what matters.  So you create your guest list 10 months before the wedding and there are 5 single people on that list.  When you send out your invitations 6-8 weeks in advance, that's when you need to figure out if those people are still single.  Their status doesn't matter at the time the guest list is created, only when invitations have gone out.  If they happen to get a SO after invitations have gone out but before your wedding, it is then up to you if you would like to have that SO included.

    Report Reply
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    JellyBean52513 said:

    The bolded concerns me a little bit. My old boss sent STD cards about 8 months in advance of her wedding. For months, clients were coming in gushing over her STD photos, co-workers talking about how excited they were to attend the wedding, etc. At one point a client told her she's going to have a fun time figuring out her seating arrangements for so many people, to which she replied "Well first we have to figure out who we're actually inviting outside of family."

    As I was picking my own jaw up, I couldn't help but recognize the flash of disgust on the client's face, who just replied "Oh, right, that's certainly important. Have a good evening, ladies." It was so uncomfortable because everybody but her knew how incredibly rude it is to tell people to save a date for something they won't be invited to. I hope I'm just suffering from etiquette PTSD and completely misinterpretting your post, OP, but I hope you do know that you must invite everybody that you sent a STD to.


    ________________________________


    Report Reply
  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    JellyBean52513 said:
    Knottie1435706869 said:
    My fiancé and I have sent out save the date cards at this point but not actual invitations, which will be addressed to only those invited. But one of my fiancé's friends has already sent an RSVP - with a plus one. Our venue only holds 200 people and we're already pushing the limit, so my fiancé and I agreed there would be no plus ones. But now he wants to make an exception and let his friend bring a date. I'm against it - if we make an exception for one person, then I'd feel bad telling my friends they can't bring a date. 

    On the one hand, it is his girlfriend. They haven't been together that long and I'm not sure how serious they are, but neither my fiancé nor I have ever met her. Still, she is his girlfriend. On the other hand, we don't know this girl and I had to cut out a lot of my friends just to keep the guest list at 200. And my fiancé's friend is close friends with a good 50% of the invited guest list, so it's not like he'd be alone or that he wouldn't know anyone. 

    What would you guys do in this situation? Let it slide and let him bring a date, or put your foot down and be firm? 
    The bolded concerns me a little bit. My old boss sent STD cards about 8 months in advance of her wedding. For months, clients were coming in gushing over her STD photos, co-workers talking about how excited they were to attend the wedding, etc. At one point a client told her she's going to have a fun time figuring out her seating arrangements for so many people, to which she replied "Well first we have to figure out who we're actually inviting outside of family."

    As I was picking my own jaw up, I couldn't help but recognize the flash of disgust on the client's face, who just replied "Oh, right, that's certainly important. Have a good evening, ladies." It was so uncomfortable because everybody but her knew how incredibly rude it is to tell people to save a date for something they won't be invited to. I hope I'm just suffering from etiquette PTSD and completely misinterpretting your post, OP, but I hope you do know that you must invite everybody that you sent a STD to.
    Wait, did your boss send STDs to CLIENTS and then say she wasn't sure if she was going to invite them?!  It's terrible etiquette to do that to anyone, but that seems like business insanity!
    Report Reply
  • Knottie1435706869Knottie1435706869 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Haha I must be very bad at expressing myself guys! Sorry! The save the dates went out months and months ago! I didn't just send them! And invitations are going in the mail next week :) 

    As for the multilevel thing, no the guests won't be separated :) 
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards