Bridesmaid shows no excitement?

lmfuller17 · March 2016

I have a childhood friend as one of my maids. She is the only one who hasn't met my man. She is the only one who hasn't said congratulations yet but she's my oldest friend and I figured she's always been a little shy with her emotions so I'd ask her to be a maid anyway.

Starting out she was the typical horror story. "I can't wear that color come on." "I get to pick out my dress right...". But as the months have gone by I've shared every fun detail with her anyway and she either doesn't answer my texts or sends me one-emoji back as a response. She is my only maid who hasn't offered support in any way or shown any enthusiasm (gimme some YAYYs or !!!!'s).

I am questioning her participation but she's my oldest friend and our mothers are best friends.

Any advice to asking a best friend if she just doesn't want to share in your day? We rarely talk and never see each other but I'm still afraid to lose her "friendship".

jacques27 · March 2016

lmfuller17 said:

I have a childhood friend as one of my maids. She is the only one who hasn't met my man. She is the only one who hasn't said congratulations yet but she's my oldest friend and I figured she's always been a little shy with her emotions so I'd ask her to be a maid anyway.

Starting out she was the typical horror story. "I can't wear that color come on." "I get to pick out my dress right...". But as the months have gone by I've shared every fun detail with her anyway and she either doesn't answer my texts or sends me one-emoji back as a response. She is my only maid who hasn't offered support in any way or shown any enthusiasm (gimme some YAYYs or !!!!'s).

I am questioning her participation but she's my oldest friend and our mothers are best friends.

Any advice to asking a best friend if she just doesn't want to share in your day? We rarely talk and never see each other but I'm still afraid to lose her "friendship".

Her only requirement is to show up in the appropriate attire the day of, sober enough to walk down an aisle at your ceremony and smile for some pictures. You should have administered some sort of Cosmo "Are you really excited for my wedding?" Quiz to all your potential bridesmaids before picking them if you needed enthusiastic responses to all of your texts as a requirement.

Some people don't get that jazzed about weddings or parties. And when it's someone your not as close as you used to be and you haven't even met the other half of the couple, I could see how that would fall in the realm of "that's nice". You're throwing a party, you didn't win a Nobel prize. No one is going to care about your party as much as you and your FI.

If you really need "yay" responses to your texts, then go find another friend who gets all excited about that stuff and stop sharing it with this particular bridesmaid. But you shouldn't ask her if she wants to back out of being a bridesmaid, because all that is is you being passive aggressive and implying you would like her to step down. She's an adult - if she wants to drop out she'll do it on her own. There is no crime being committed here and you doing that will put the final nail in the coffin of this friendship you claim to want to save.

How about actually working on that friendship outside the context of your wedding? Invite her out for coffee or dinner. Talk about your lives minus the wedding and ask her about what's going on in her life since you rarely talk anymore. Have a dinner party where she finally gets to meet your FI. Ask her to see a movie. Text her just to say hi and see how she's doing instead of about your wedding. You do those sorts of things to save a friendship, not imply that she could/should drop out.

AddieCake · March 2016

So you're reading into emojis, lack of yays and counting exclamation points or lack thereof?

Do you hear yourself? Get a margarita and a cupcake and chill. This is a non issue.

missfrodo · March 2016

I would stop sharing every detail with her, as you're not getting the reaction you're hoping for and possibly annoying her with all the wedding talk as well. If you want to work on your relationship with her, I agree that you need to get together with her for something non-wedding related and reconnect as friends. It sounds like she knows what dress to get, so as long as she shows up day-of with that, she has fulfilled her obligation as a BM. BMs are chosen as people you want to honor by having them stand up next to you during your wedding, not as support personnel; if you need someone to share in your wedding excitement, how about FI?
Anyway, it sounds like your other BMs are excited about you planning your wedding, so I'd direct any wedding talk their way. During my engagement, I had friends I could talk wedding with and friends I knew weren't that interested, but in general I didn't bring up wedding stuff unless asked, as I didn't want to overwhelm anyone with OMG WEDDING!!! since I knew it wasn't as big a deal to them as it was to me and my FI.
The best thing to do here is to throw out those expectations the wedding industry has given you as to what to expect from your BMs (doting on you, throwing parties, matching shoes, etc) and adopt a more realistic view of what a BM is--someone you love, standing next to you on your wedding day! Anything additional that your friends do for you is icing on the cake, but you should not judge a relationship on what someone is willing/able to do for your wedding, including enthusiastic responses to wedding-planning texts.

downtondiva · March 2016

Have you spoken to your friend about anything besides the wedding recently? She may be busy or going through something that's causing her to be unresponsive or uninterested in the wedding. She may also simply be annoyed that you're always talking about it. I suggest you ask your friend about her life and talk to her about other things, and don't bring the wedding up for a while. Just because she's a bridesmaid doesn't mean she has to be as excited as you are about the wedding, and it's unrealistic to expect that from her.

And you absolutely, positively should not kick her out of your bridal party or question whether she wants to participate. There are very few circumstances where it's okay to do that, and her not being enthusiastic about your wedding planning is NOT one of them. Keep her in your wedding party and interact with her as your friend, not your bridesmaid. If after the wedding you still feel like your friendship isn't where it should be, then you can let it fade out then. But this is not the time for that.

climbingsingle · March 2016

Are you 12?

Your wedding may be the most important thing in your life, but that doesn't mean it's the most important thing in everyone else's life. The sooner you realize that, the easier this will all be.

glasgowtolondon · March 2016

You rarely talk and never see each other, but you thought that would change because you are getting married? OP, answer this - when was the last time you approached her to talk about non-wedding stuff? You know, like friends do. It seems that she is responding to your texts, just not with the exact wording that you seem to need so it's ridiculous that you'd even bring that up. However, if you think she isn't interested then why the holy hell do you keep updating her with every 'fun' detail. No one needs to be kept this up to date with your wedding plans, and the details aren't particularly fun to anyone but you. Sorry to break that to you.

Oy, you sound like hard work. I'm on your bridesmaids side. Don't text her again unless it's to talk about the film you went to see at the weekend or something. Start treating her like a friend, not just someone in your wedding.

JediElizabeth · March 2016

I have a similar BM: we've been friends since we were 5, we very rarely see each other, and we've definitely grown apart. She is not a party girl like me, and is largely uninterested in any part of the wedding except me being with the person I love at the end of the day. But I still love her dearly, and want her there next to me the day of.

I don't text her with details, and keep conversations about the wedding strictly to what she brings up and asks (which is rare, but happens). I will ask her to pick out her own black dress, invite her to dress shop (but be fine if she declines), and she will show up the day of and celebrate with me. That's literally all I need from her; I have plenty of other friends who want to hear details about dresses and DJs and all that.

MobKaz · March 2016

lmfuller17 said:

I have a childhood friend as one of my maids. She is the only one who hasn't met my man. She is the only one who hasn't said congratulations yet but she's my oldest friend and I figured she's always been a little shy with her emotions so I'd ask her to be a maid anyway.

Starting out she was the typical horror story. "I can't wear that color come on." "I get to pick out my dress right...". But as the months have gone by I've shared every fun detail with her anyway and she either doesn't answer my texts or sends me one-emoji back as a response. She is my only maid who hasn't offered support in any way or shown any enthusiasm (gimme some YAYYs or !!!!'s).

I am questioning her participation but she's my oldest friend and our mothers are best friends.

Any advice to asking a best friend if she just doesn't want to share in your day? We rarely talk and never see each other but I'm still afraid to lose her "friendship".

I'm having an extreme deja vu moment. Was there not recently a thread that used this exact expression?

holyguacamole79 · March 2016

glasgowtolondon · March 2016

holyguacamole79 said:

I think you meant YAY!!!!!!

holyguacamole79 · March 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

holyguacamole79 said:

I think you meant YAY!!!!!!

flantastic · March 2016

I just want to say that "Come on, you know I can't wear that color" sounds like a friend expressing a preference over the clothing she has to wear and is paying for (i.e. a comment you should have actually considered), and not quite on the level of a "horror story."

floridabride44 · March 2016

lmfuller17 said:

I have a childhood friend as one of my maids. She is the only one who hasn't met my man. She is the only one who hasn't said congratulations yet but she's my oldest friend and I figured she's always been a little shy with her emotions so I'd ask her to be a maid anyway.

Starting out she was the typical horror story. "I can't wear that color come on." "I get to pick out my dress right...". But as the months have gone by I've shared every fun detail with her anyway and she either doesn't answer my texts or sends me one-emoji back as a response. She is my only maid who hasn't offered support in any way or shown any enthusiasm (gimme some YAYYs or !!!!'s).

I am questioning her participation but she's my oldest friend and our mothers are best friends.

Any advice to asking a best friend if she just doesn't want to share in your day? We rarely talk and never see each other but I'm still afraid to lose her "friendship".

Why do you need support? You're planning a PARTY. Nobody is dying. There is nothing disastrous happening. It's a party. You don't need support to plan it.

thespeshulestsnowflake · March 2016

drunkenwitch · March 2016

Coming soon to a theater near you

She was the bride

And she was the bridesmaid who answers in emojis

She refused to wear a color that didn't match her skin tone

And worst of all: she wantes to talk about something besides The Wedding

Bridesmaid Horror Story

levioosa · March 2016

If you think a text from a friend without rainbows, kittens, and balloons is a horror story, I'm not sure whether to pitty your life for it's lack of perspective, or envy it for how absolutely perfect it must be in every way.

Maybe you should actually talk to her about non-wedding related topics. The only thing she is required to do is show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire on the day of the wedding.

As someone who has been in a few weddings now, it's fucking exhausting. I'm sorry, but I just don't have the energy to get excited about flowers when there are a billion literally more important things in life to worry about. You might get a smiley face emoji from me because that's about the level of excitement it deserves in real life context. That doesn't make me a shitty friend. It makes me a real person. Be excited about your own wedding details. Remember that even though you are eating, breathing, and dreaming wedding right now, life continues on for everyone else.

And as a personal example of you probably getting stuck with wedding brain:

I was was in a wedding a few years ago where I genuinely tried when I had the time to be involved. But then life happened. Shitty shitty life. My brother was in an accident, severely injured himself and his girlfriend, and I started having some really bad health issues. A week before the wedding I turned down decorating the center pieces because I was sick. I'll also add that diy stuff is like my least favorite thing. I'd rather clean house. Suddenly, the bride texted me that I was ungrateful, and a drama queen for being concerned about my family, and a bad friend for not helping out. I couldn't believe how self centered she was. Don't be that bride. It's where you're headed.

softkittywarmkitty · March 2016

Is she normally an in-depth texter? Or does she use a ton of exclamation points? No? NBD. Is she busy with her life and maybe can't go into detail with a response?

I get to pick my dress right? Of course, your my oldest friend, I want you to be comfortable. OR of course as long as it is ( length, color, fabric or whatever you feel important)

short+sassy · March 2016

MobKaz said:

lmfuller17 said:

I have a childhood friend as one of my maids. She is the only one who hasn't met my man. She is the only one who hasn't said congratulations yet but she's my oldest friend and I figured she's always been a little shy with her emotions so I'd ask her to be a maid anyway.

Starting out she was the typical horror story. "I can't wear that color come on." "I get to pick out my dress right...". But as the months have gone by I've shared every fun detail with her anyway and she either doesn't answer my texts or sends me one-emoji back as a response. She is my only maid who hasn't offered support in any way or shown any enthusiasm (gimme some YAYYs or !!!!'s).

I am questioning her participation but she's my oldest friend and our mothers are best friends.

Any advice to asking a best friend if she just doesn't want to share in your day? We rarely talk and never see each other but I'm still afraid to lose her "friendship".

I'm having an extreme deja vu moment. Was there not recently a thread that used this exact expression?

Maybe not that whole exact phrase...or maybe I am thinking of a different post entirely...but I'm remembering a recent post where the OP had been really good friend's with the FI's sister (before OP and FI started dating). Then OP started dating FI. Sister was upset about that. Their friendship became up and down. Part of what OP was upset about is, when the engagement was announced, the FSIL only sent a smiling emoji as a response.

Heffalump · March 2016

lmfuller17 said:

I have a childhood friend as one of my maids. She is the only one who hasn't met my man. She is the only one who hasn't said congratulations yet but she's my oldest friend and I figured she's always been a little shy with her emotions so I'd ask her to be a maid anyway.

Starting out she was the typical horror story. "I can't wear that color come on." "I get to pick out my dress right...". But as the months have gone by I've shared every fun detail with her anyway and she either doesn't answer my texts or sends me one-emoji back as a response. She is my only maid who hasn't offered support in any way or shown any enthusiasm (gimme some YAYYs or !!!!'s).

I am questioning her participation but she's my oldest friend and our mothers are best friends.

Any advice to asking a best friend if she just doesn't want to share in your day? We rarely talk and never see each other but I'm still afraid to lose her "friendship".

You seem to require an awful lot of validation. I'd think about that really hard, if I were you.

Knottie03796876 · March 2016

I suggest contacting your friend and asking her what is new in her life - try to engage her by learning more about what she has been up to. There's a chance that she is dealing with some heavy things that you don't know about and she doesn't want to share and risk raining on a happy time in your life.

Alternatively, she might not be a wedding person or a good actress. There's also a chance that hearing the details of your wedding could be striking a sensitive note - perhaps she wants to find love/ partnership and all of the texts remind her of what she feels she is missing in her own life.

There are lots of possibilities - but as a long time friend who seems to be concerned, I think you should start by checking in with her and learn more about her life - and stop sending her updates on your wedding. Give her your attention instead of asking for hers. Good luck!

drunkenwitch · March 2016

Knottie03796876 said:

I suggest contacting your friend and asking her what is new in her life - try to engage her by learning more about what she has been up to. There's a chance that she is dealing with some heavy things that you don't know about and she doesn't want to share and risk raining on a happy time in your life.

Alternatively, she might not be a wedding person or a good actress. There's also a chance that hearing the details of your wedding could be striking a sensitive note - perhaps she wants to find love/ partnership and all of the texts remind her of what she feels she is missing in her own life.

There are lots of possibilities - but as a long time friend who seems to be concerned, I think you should start by checking in with her and learn more about her life - and stop sending her updates on your wedding. Give her your attention instead of asking for hers. Good luck!

I like you. Stay and play with us

MairePoppy · March 2016

You're over sharing details about your wedding with a friend who isn't that interested in weddings.

What did you two talk about before you started planning the wedding? She's your oldest friend so there must be something else to talk about.

There is no nice way to ask her if she'd like to step down. Please don't do that.

Bridesmaid shows no excitement?

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