Wedding Etiquette Forum

Would you Support a Go Fund Me page for this? Need help please!

Hi everyone. This is my first post and I'm nervous to ask this question (money issues make me so uncomfortable), but I need honest unbiased advice.
 My father has Multiple Sclerosis and lives in a nursing home in Massachusetts. My fiancé and I are getting married in Texas. We cannot have the wedding in Massachusetts, so this would not be an option...
 I am a nanny, and my fiancé works in an office...so we don't really have a lot of money coming in.  I would very much like my father to be at my wedding and "roll me down the isle." However, he would not be able to attend the wedding without a Qualified Nurse/Personal Care Assistant to help with all travel to/from Texas, assisting him with all his medical needs. My family is divorced, disabled, and they don't have a lot of money.  I would be flying them all in to Texas for a few days, which I am able to do financially. However, the Personal Care Assistant will cost beyond what I might be able to save for. Having my father attend the wedding, the cost of his PCA's salary, their lodging, transportation will cost about $5,000.
Would it be completely tacky to set up a Go Fund Me page for my Dad requesting for monetary assistance to cover his needs for a PCA? A friend recommended that my father set it up..I don't know though. MS sucks. I just want my Dad at the wedding. He has great friends who I know would donate to get in there.
I can afford his travel and all his accommodations, but it's the salary of the nurse that is going to be nearly impossible. I just can't imagine my Dad not being there though...Is a Go Fund Me page a good idea? 

Re: Would you Support a Go Fund Me page for this? Need help please!

  • I am so sorry for your situation. However, setting up a go fund me would not be appropriate. This is a terrible situation and MS sucks. If this means so much to you, could you move the wedding to MA? Or would you be able to postpone the wedding until you have enough money to pay for the PCA? 

    The individuals here are great at helping set up budget weddings. There are many "traditional" things that can be done without in order to save money (eg. favors, flowers, alcohol). Would you be able to cut anything like that to provide the funds for him to attend? 


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  • No, I wouldn't and no, I don't think it's appropriate.



  • Good luck! Planning and working out budgets can be a maze but if you first decide upon your "must haves" alongside your FI (dad being there) and "nice to haves" (extended family? flowers? whatever) and work out from there it can be done. It might not end up being what you envisaged, but it sounds like getting married without your Dad present is one of your must haves. So long as you are married at the end of the day, right?
                 
  • I have a couple questions, but first, I'm sorry about your father.  MS is a cruel, cruel disease.  

    1.  Why are you paying to fly the rest of your family in?  If FMIL is paying for everything else, except travel expenses, I think you should re-prioritize whose travel you contribute to if Dad is #1 on that list.  Trust that those able to travel will make it if they can, and understand if they can't.

    2.  Has any of your dads friends made an offer to help with expenses?  They don't need a GFM to help out if they're so inclined.

    3.  Who have you talked to figure out the costs for his and his assistants travel?  Are there local resources you can use?

    I think your FMIL's offer is generous, but you have to decide what you want more.  It sounds like your dads travel expenses could also equal a very nice, small ceremony and reception in MA if you chose to forgo the Texas affair, but only you can decide which event you'd rather have.
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  • OP, I'm sorry about your dad's MS. My father has MS and I understand the devastation it can cause.

    That being said, I cannot comprehend why you would think of denying your father the opportunity to see his daughter get married. If you absolutely have to have the wedding in Texas, then you need to figure out a way to pay for your father's (and his caretaker's) travel - without a GoFundMe. 
  • I think it comes down to the following decision:

    Do you want FMIL's money or do you want your dad there?


    Also, I'm incredibly sorry to hear about your dad's health.  
  • kaiyla said:
    No I get it totally, and appreciate the responses. That's what I wanted to know, and it appears the consensus is against the GFM, so given that, I am not going to do it. My fiancé has two relatives of his own who are unable to travel as well. His mother also said she would pay for everything (except my Dad's funds) if we have it in Texas.
    Ah, wedding planning..
    Thank you for your help, ladies. Might not be what I hoped for but it's truthful.

    I am in the exact same boat as you-- I don't live in my home state anymore, and my dad lives in a nursing home and requires 24/7 supervision due to severe mental and physical disabilities. My SO and I talked a long time ago about the fact that whenever I get married, it WILL be in my home state no more than an hour away from my dad's nursing home and that is non-negotiable. He has a HUGE family, they're all VERY close, and the majority of them are of very limited economic means. He knows there is a very real possibility that they will not be able to travel for an OOT wedding, but he also knows that we can try to figure something out for them when the time comes because my dad physically cannot travel far. It also means we aren't getting married any time soon because these things cost money and we need plenty of time to save up. 

    I'm sorry that you're in this position, it's honestly very difficult and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. You should seriously consider taking the money you'd spend to fly everybody else to TX and use it to pay for a wedding in MA. 
  • I would see if you can arrange to have local healthcare for him, that may be cheaper. Also, like others said, if having dad there is so important, maybe that means not paying for expenses of other family members, so you can use that money for him to attend.  I had 25 people at my wedding, out of 75 invited.  Most of the people that couldn't attend were my extended family, due to location and travel cost.  But, we made sure that my VIP's (parents & siblings) could be there.  Yes, I would have liked some of the others there also, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to have all our VIP's there.

    If getting dad there really isn't possible, look into setting up live streaming or skype, so he could at watch it live.  It won't be the same thing as being there in person, but it would at least allow him to participate from a distance. 

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  • PPs have it covered, the biggest thing I'd echo here is that if having your dad there is #1, then prioritize paying for his travel/care over that of the other family members you are planning to fly in.
  • As mentioned, my fiancé has family members that are ill as well and completely unable to travel altogether. We will just have to find a way to get my father to Texas, and that's that. To those who understand how cruel MS is, thanks for getting it. I'll do whatever it takes to get him there, but without GFM.
  • Sorry to hear this, OP.  I used to work as a PSW and one of my clients had very advanced MS.  He was so proud to show me his son's wedding pictures.

    As well intentioned the person was who suggested a GFM, it wouldn't be appropriate, so I'm glad you took the advice here.  If your dad has friends who want to help out financially for his medical and travel expenses, then they can do that without a website.  IMO GFMs are appropriate when you're likely to receive a large amount of donations from strangers, because that's what the platform facilitates.  When the likely donors are going to be just friends and family close enough to know the personal situation, well they can figure out how to give you cash if they want to.

    A few years ago a Facebook friend set up a GFM to pay her credit card.  For weeks she plugged this thing like crazy.  It was naturally accompanied by a sob story, which quite frankly raised more questions than answered.  It boggles my mind how people can justify these things to themselves.
  • GoFundMe is not appropriate here. I don't know where you got the idea that you had to pay to fly in other guests for the wedding, but you are not obligated to do that. Your guests are adults, and it is up to them whether they want to spend the money, etc. to attend your wedding. Let them make that decision for themselves and focus on a way to get your father and an aide to Texas safely and affordably.
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  • Unpopular opinion: I'd probably give money to a friend to help pay for this, if I had the cash available. However, I probably wouldn't use any company which took a cut of the proceeds. I'd just PayPal them as a friend or family member. 

    It would be rude, but I wouldn't care. 
  • Unpopular opinion: I'd probably give money to a friend to help pay for this, if I had the cash available. However, I probably wouldn't use any company which took a cut of the proceeds. I'd just PayPal them as a friend or family member. 

    It would be rude, but I wouldn't care. 
    No, that's not at all an unpopular opinion at all, actually.  I'd help an ill friend who wanted to attend his daughter's wedding as well.  It's the GoFundMe that's inappropriate.
    Spoonsey said:
    Sorry to hear this, OP.  I used to work as a PSW and one of my clients had very advanced MS.  He was so proud to show me his son's wedding pictures.

    As well intentioned the person was who suggested a GFM, it wouldn't be appropriate, so I'm glad you took the advice here.  If your dad has friends who want to help out financially for his medical and travel expenses, then they can do that without a website.  IMO GFMs are appropriate when you're likely to receive a large amount of donations from strangers, because that's what the platform facilitates.  When the likely donors are going to be just friends and family close enough to know the personal situation, well they can figure out how to give you cash if they want to.

    A few years ago a Facebook friend set up a GFM to pay her credit card.  For weeks she plugged this thing like crazy.  It was naturally accompanied by a sob story, which quite frankly raised more questions than answered.  It boggles my mind how people can justify these things to themselves.
    See, Spoonsey said so right above.
  • I guess it depends on how much care your father needs, but could he actually travel without a nurse?  Could a trusted friend or relative accompany him on the plane to Texas?  Then he would only need care prior to the flight and once he lands.  Or possibly hire a nurse to accompany him to TX and then they immediately return home.  Then you could hire a nurse in TX to take care of him during that time.  It might be cheaper than hiring someone from Massachusetts to fly and stay in Texas the entire time. 
  • 1) Go Fund Me - 100% not appropriate...

    2) Your Father's travel and the Aide's expenses should be the first ones you cover if you're covering anyone's.  Sorry, not sorry!  Sure, it'd be wonderful to have whomever else there, but they can get in a rental car and drive, your Dad has special considerations.  I'm NAF of finding an Aide locally because they aren't going to know your Dad nor his medical needs - and about 8000 other "hindsight is 20/20" knowledge reasons... 

    Next - what about chartering a private flight for everyone since you're covering so many people's travel expenses?  It's something to consider because commercial may be a bigger ordeal for your Father. 

    3) Really get to the heart of who MUST be there and realize you've got to draw a line with your finances.

    4) Late FIL's disability is the reason we had our wedding not in my home town where it'd have cost us 1/3 of our budget even if  we included the cost of travel for the IL's..  It's a tough choice, I get it!  You really should consider the Massachusetts option since you'd be paying for everyone to fly down to you in Texas anyway, just your Father's expense alone would cover the cost of a basic wedding in Mass.  That option does need to be on the table.  Write out the pro's/con's with REAL money involved (It's my belief that what your decisions are when it's Monopoly Money versus real world money in the bank are diabolically different from eachother).  Ask yourself -"If everything went to heck in a handbasket and I could only invite 10 total guests for both sides, who MUST be at our wedding?"  Then "...If I could only invite 4 total people, who would they be?"...  Those are the ONLY people you consider travel expenses for! 

    5) Silly as it sounds, you never know if the care center he's at would love to be the site for the wedding!  The care center my FIL was at was up front about LOVING to host family events there because so often all they and the residents see are life's hardships and it boosts everyone's morale (even if all they see is a bride walking through the hallway or you have an outdoor ceremony in their garden area) especially the person whose family is hosting the event there!  The only thing we ever had to pay for was the extra food which was minimal (we could have it catered in or we could pay the staff to prepare the extra meals)...  It's a "think outside of the box" option if money/cost is an issue/travel issues are getting in the way.  Sure, you won't have the all-night DJ, but it's an option..

  • So it sounds like travel for you and your family (and your dad's caretaker) would be your ONLY wedding expenses? If you really can't cut your day-to-day budget enough between now and the wedding to save that amount, decline FMIL's offer and host whatever wedding you and FI can afford. You never indicated whether he is adamant that whomever can't travel on his side must be able to attend.

    If none of that is a possibility, you may have to settle for setting up Skype or something for your dad to livestream the wedding.
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  • marsupalamimarsupalami member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited March 2016
    The only relative I would be considered about not being able to fly if you move your wedding to your dad would be Fiances Mom or dad. 
    It would more important for my father to be present over anyone else. 
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