Wedding Woes

Uninvolved Groom rant

Just needing a space and moment to vent, feel free to disregard. 

FI has been pretty non-opinionated about wedding stuff from the beginning. He says he is excited to be married, and he agreed that he wanted to have a wedding where our relatives were invited and at our church. But he has never been a very romantic person, overall, and so planning any wedding stuff really is not his thing. 

For the most part, that's okay. I know the wedding day is not the end-all-be-all, and don't expect it to be "THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF MY LIFE", but, mea culpa, I am excited about it, and I want to plan a good party for our family and friends. I really try to avoid gushing too much about it to my bridesmaids, because I know firsthand from being a bridesmaid that you don't want wedding talk to be the only thing you and your friend talk about. I try not to talk wedding stuff too much with my mom, either, because she gets kind of stressed out about it. Usually, I bring my wedding talk here, to TK, and am super glad I have this place as my outlet. 

But man, I get frustrated with FI sometimes. This is OUR wedding, not just mine. When we planned our budget for the wedding, we decided not to get a wedding planner to keep down costs. I knew that would mean I would be doing most of the work. Granted, I don't expect him to get all gushy about attire or flowers or music, so I don't even bother him about those things and just do them on my own. But I feel like he should be able to listen to me when I want to update him on some of the decisions we've made (like what hotels we have blocks made at, or where I made our registry for) and would like his input/ involvement on some of things, too (are there any items he would like me to put on the registry, does he want to go home or stay at a hotel for our wedding night, what does he want in a wedding ring, does he care when and if we have any kind of honeymoon). But he got really annoyed at me yesterday; we were having lunch out at a restaurant when I brought up how we really out to figure out getting wedding rings. He got short and pissy and accused me of ruining the afternoon by bringing up wedding talk. I'm sorry -- you're marrying me, right? 

I think he gets annoyed because he thinks I don't trust him to get stuff done unless I nag him about it. And truth is, I guess I don't. I waited patiently for 7 months for him to resize my engagement ring (an heirloom in my family which my dad gave to him to give me), which he said he would do when we first got engaged. I didn't say anything. His parents had visited us 3 months afterwards, it still wasn't resized, and his mom admonished him. He said he'd be on it. And another 4 months passed. I finally hit my limit and told him I was going to the jewelers and he could come and be a part of it or not. He has forgotten my birthday before, and usually forgets to do anything for Valentines day until Valentines day itself. I give him some slack on those things, but all the same, it hasn't engendered a lot of faith in my that he's going to remember to get me a wedding ring if left to his own devices. 

I love him, but I am so, so aggravated right now. He claims that he is busy and stressed. I know that. But I'm a bit busy and stressed myself -- I'm not JUST wedding planning in my spare time. I'm sort of trying to get through law school and work on the side. Right now I'm on Spring Break, so I am putting a lot more energy into wedding planning while I have some time off. I realize that I'm probably being way more annoying to him than I think I am, and probably just need to chill out and not talk wedding stuff to him at all for a while. But goddamn, he's the groom. I may not be entitled to having any other person on the planet give a fuck about our wedding or anything related to it, but shouldn't he?
                    


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Re: Uninvolved Groom rant

  • Just needing a space and moment to vent, feel free to disregard. 

    FI has been pretty non-opinionated about wedding stuff from the beginning. He says he is excited to be married, and he agreed that he wanted to have a wedding where our relatives were invited and at our church. But he has never been a very romantic person, overall, and so planning any wedding stuff really is not his thing. 

    For the most part, that's okay. I know the wedding day is not the end-all-be-all, and don't expect it to be "THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF MY LIFE", but, mea culpa, I am excited about it, and I want to plan a good party for our family and friends. I really try to avoid gushing too much about it to my bridesmaids, because I know firsthand from being a bridesmaid that you don't want wedding talk to be the only thing you and your friend talk about. I try not to talk wedding stuff too much with my mom, either, because she gets kind of stressed out about it. Usually, I bring my wedding talk here, to TK, and am super glad I have this place as my outlet. 

    But man, I get frustrated with FI sometimes. This is OUR wedding, not just mine. When we planned our budget for the wedding, we decided not to get a wedding planner to keep down costs. I knew that would mean I would be doing most of the work. Granted, I don't expect him to get all gushy about attire or flowers or music, so I don't even bother him about those things and just do them on my own. But I feel like he should be able to listen to me when I want to update him on some of the decisions we've made (like what hotels we have blocks made at, or where I made our registry for) and would like his input/ involvement on some of things, too (are there any items he would like me to put on the registry, does he want to go home or stay at a hotel for our wedding night, what does he want in a wedding ring, does he care when and if we have any kind of honeymoon). But he got really annoyed at me yesterday; we were having lunch out at a restaurant when I brought up how we really out to figure out getting wedding rings. He got short and pissy and accused me of ruining the afternoon by bringing up wedding talk. I'm sorry -- you're marrying me, right? 

    I think he gets annoyed because he thinks I don't trust him to get stuff done unless I nag him about it. And truth is, I guess I don't. I waited patiently for 7 months for him to resize my engagement ring (an heirloom in my family which my dad gave to him to give me), which he said he would do when we first got engaged. I didn't say anything. His parents had visited us 3 months afterwards, it still wasn't resized, and his mom admonished him. He said he'd be on it. And another 4 months passed. I finally hit my limit and told him I was going to the jewelers and he could come and be a part of it or not. He has forgotten my birthday before, and usually forgets to do anything for Valentines day until Valentines day itself. I give him some slack on those things, but all the same, it hasn't engendered a lot of faith in my that he's going to remember to get me a wedding ring if left to his own devices. 

    I love him, but I am so, so aggravated right now. He claims that he is busy and stressed. I know that. But I'm a bit busy and stressed myself -- I'm not JUST wedding planning in my spare time. I'm sort of trying to get through law school and work on the side. Right now I'm on Spring Break, so I am putting a lot more energy into wedding planning while I have some time off. I realize that I'm probably being way more annoying to him than I think I am, and probably just need to chill out and not talk wedding stuff to him at all for a while. But goddamn, he's the groom. I may not be entitled to having any other person on the planet give a fuck about our wedding or anything related to it, but shouldn't he?

    Have you told him all this?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • @ShesSoCold , in fewer words, but basically, yes. We had a bit of a tiff over lunch, but kept it as civil and short as possible since we were in public and he had to go back to work. I do probably need to just let loose and lay it all on him uninhibited. I'm feeling guilty because he has been really busy lately and feel like I should wait until there's a better time . . . but it seems like he's ALWAYS really busy and there's never a good time. 
    I think I'm just hitting the point of wedding-planning blues. This is probably me flipping out and overreacting, and I feel silly about posting any of this. He supports me in many ways, and I don't really feel like I have any right to complain. But I'm just tired and really want him to step up and work with me on some of these things. I have a 3-week period of final exams coming up soon, and directly after that I'm starting a summer internship out of town. I feel like we need to get some shit done now because I'm not going to have time to deal with it then. I explained that to him last week and apologized for nagging.  He said he understood, that I had no cause to apologize because I wasn't being too bad about nagging . . . but then he turns around yesterday and tells me I am. 

    I'm HERE right now: 

                        


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  • @thefanciestbeckler, thank you so much. I think I will try to schedule something like that. I'm not trying to argue I'm blameless in this situation, and acknowledge that I'm probably driving him nuts bringing this stuff up in the middle of our conversations. Keeping wedding talk to a confined period of time would probably help, if we can agree on a time that works for both of us. 
                        


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  • I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. Overall DH wasn't big on the wedding plans either and he also would put things off until I either nagged him into doing it or just did it myself. Like the videographer, it wasn't really in our budget but he knew I wanted it so he volunteered to research some options and rework the numbers. He didn't do anything for 3 months so I mention it to him, he says he's going to. Another 3 months and still nothing, I had just gotten an unexpected bonus at work so I said I'm going to book the expensive people we didn't think we could afford since I now have the money is that ok? Then I booked them. He has also been promising to put all our honeymoon photos together in a slide show so we can show family (idk why he's not cool with showing it off our phones but w/e) well our honeymoon was in October and still no slide show so no one has seen photos and now I doubt they want to anymore.

    I really made all the plans, decorations, filled out invites, set up meetings, ordered everything... But DH was good about listening to me talk about them even though sometimes I could tell he didn't care and he was at every meeting I set up. He did write the thank yous for his family and friends after the wedding also which was a huge help. 

    I get the feeling that you're ok doing the bulk of the work but would just like your FI to at least listen to you and to be involved in some parts. I think @thefanciestbeckler had a great suggestion for setting aside specific wedding time. With the wedding bands you might want to just treat it like you would a vendor visit and put it in your calendar: Saturday at 10am going to X jeweler to find wedding bands or shopping online for wedding bands.

    Another idea is to give him a general calendar of when certain items need to be completed (ie. DJ picked 6 mo. before wedding, wedding rings picked 2 mo before wedding, tux fitting 1 mo before wedding etc...). Then if he does have tasks assigned to him, he has a due date. I know personally if I don't have a due date on something it rarely gets done. So when he says he'll pick out your wedding band it doesn't mentally get added to his task list since there was no time-frame set.
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  • @ShesSoCold , in fewer words, but basically, yes. We had a bit of a tiff over lunch, but kept it as civil and short as possible since we were in public and he had to go back to work. I do probably need to just let loose and lay it all on him uninhibited. I'm feeling guilty because he has been really busy lately and feel like I should wait until there's a better time . . . but it seems like he's ALWAYS really busy and there's never a good time. 
    I think I'm just hitting the point of wedding-planning blues. This is probably me flipping out and overreacting, and I feel silly about posting any of this. He supports me in many ways, and I don't really feel like I have any right to complain. But I'm just tired and really want him to step up and work with me on some of these things. I have a 3-week period of final exams coming up soon, and directly after that I'm starting a summer internship out of town. I feel like we need to get some shit done now because I'm not going to have time to deal with it then. I explained that to him last week and apologized for nagging.  He said he understood, that I had no cause to apologize because I wasn't being too bad about nagging . . . but then he turns around yesterday and tells me I am. 

    I'm HERE right now: 



    You're busy too. You need to tell him how stressed and frustrated you are. Just because he's supportive of you doesn't mean he doesn't need to help with his own wedding. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm getting very old-fashioned gender roll vibes here. Like, he's the man so he doesn't need you to bother him with your petty woman emotions and your stress over woman things like flowers. Or like he thinks that since he supports you in X, he shouldn't have to deal with Y with you.

    If he doesn't listen to you now or want to deal with this, how will he be with other things in your future? Will he ever get up in the middle of the night to change a crying baby? Will he make dinner and clean the house if you're unable to for some reason?

    You're not silly for feeling stressed or for wanting help or advice. And I hope he doesn't make you feel like you're silly for having this feeling or that feeling. None of your feelings are silly and he should be trying to ease your stress, not dismiss it.

    Thanks, @ShesSoCold. I don't think it's a gender-based reaction from him so much as just a "lost in his own stuff" problem. We've struggled through issues of this before, it's not new, nor is it strictly between me and him -- he is known for his mildly autistic tendencies in his family, too. Nothing extreme, but he is certainly one of those people who will focus on one thing to the point where he becomes oblivious to other things. 

    He is pretty good about being there to listen when I've had a rough day, and usually makes dinner for us, and has really helped support me emotionally going back to school and going after my new career. He showers our dog with so much love and care while I'm out all day. He's usually the one who does laundry. Last year, I had a bit more time than him and I kept track of making sure bills were paid on time, but this year he's taken on that duty pretty much 100%. We both go grocery shopping together and balance our budget together. So I do feel that he's being a fair partner in the day-to-day responsibilities. He's just been really bad about wedding stuff. 

    I do agree with you, though, that if he's struggling with supporting me in planning a wedding, he needs to wake up and get with the program or else. I directly told him that yesterday. If he can't handle me trying to get him to plan a time to get wedding rings, then god help him if he wants to have kids with me. Because I will demand Nutella and foot rubs when I am pregnant and tired, and I will require he wake up in the middle of the night to care for a crying, poopy baby. If this is too much for him, he'd better jump ship now. He cant' say I haven't warned him. 
                        


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  • Btw, thank you all for just letting me rant a bit. It really helps. 
                        


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  • Heffalump said:

    I'm HERE right now: 

    Can I just say that I love Lilo and Stitch?

    Because I love Lilo and Stitch.

    Have you tried this?

    httpmediatumblrcomtumblr_m93dmyyJ4D1rndzqbgif
    HAHAHA, I love this! And I also love Lilo and Stitch. OHANA. 

    If @thefanciestbeckler's and @marriedhamstermom's helpful suggestions don't work, I think a squirt bottle is next on the list, for sure. 
                        


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  • Ranting always helps. 

    My wedding planning was stressful and I didn't enjoy most of it. H and I both started new jobs and we're working crazy hours. We did what @thefanciestbeckler mentioned and scheduled time (and wine) to talk about wedding plans. I needed to talk through the options and make sure we were making the right choices( he couldn't care less about a lot of the plans) but he recognized that it was something I needed. Maybe put it like that? He didn't need to care about the different packages but I needed him to help me clarify my thinking about them. KWIM? Also on the rings, we went together. Planned an afternoon when we'd have a few hours and picked them out at the same time. I chose my own, so did he. Its actually one of my favorite things to do. 

    Another thing that helped us was figuring out the things we did care about and then forgoing the others. I didn't care at all about flowers, so I sent my florist 3 pictures I liked and let her do her thing. I used whatever centerpieces our venue had. This freed up a lot of stress and decisions by letting go of what neither of us really cared about. 
  • Are you marrying my H? He wasn't quite to the point of not ever wanting to even talk about wedding stuff (and even requested a few minor details himself) but he's shit at planning anything in real life and much prefers to plan his writing and games. Which is usually okay because I love planning trips and he is involved just to the point of picking where and when and then I get to choose and schedule everything, and I find that fun.

    He's also really really slack about doing things that need taken care of, like chores and such. And it makes both of us upset because when I ask and he forgets and I ask again, he feels like I'm nagging. But I feel like we're both adults and it's lame for me to have to make him a fucking chore list for things like 'do a load of towels.' He finally now does the dishes without prompting at least. But I don't even trust him to wash our clothes because he never changes the settings when he runs the washing machine and doesn't know which articles of mine need to hang dry instead of going in the dryer.

    Sooooo... I can sympathize a bit. I've had the conversation a few times with H, but it's a slow progress to get him to change his habits. See above, new ability to wash dishes without being told.
    image
  • Thanks, both @charlotte989875 and @artbyallie. I hate pinning hopes that I will "change" FI -- that kind of talk usually is bound to failure. I know that on a certain level I just have to accept he is rather stereotypically "meh" about things like weddings. I do hope he'll just learn to put up with my fussing better, though. Sometimes I just need him to listen and nod and get an idea what I'm doing. I definitely process things better when I speak them aloud, too. 
                        


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  • This sounds like my FI. We had it out about a month into planning when I was pestering and he was in his own little world. We now have little planning meetings where we set a timer (usually 30 minutes) and that has worked really well for us. FI just ordered something that he said he would order before Christmas ... so totally hear you on the nagging front.

    I can tell you love him and that this is likely very normal issues to be having.

  • Beware the uninterested Groom - because two weeks before the wedding when it's "Panic time" and real - he's going to want to change EVERY-LITTLE-Flipping-THING even if it was painstakingly decided a year in advance. 

    As for the things you've delegated - you delegated them for a reason, just let those details go.  If it was catering - Subway delivers...  as does Domino's...  Remember Elsa's mantra "Let it go!" He's an adult, he'll get it figured out and if it's at the last minute, realize that this is going to be something you're going to have to learn to live with and relax about it as you internally laugh while he figures out not to leave stuff until the last minute...

  • Are there things that you THINK he would be interested in but youwouldn't mind doing on your own? Because that's where I was. I gave him about a 5 minute warning and if he wasn't interested or couldn't voice an opinion (even "oh god, hell no") then I was picking. He had zero to do with colors, flowers, what he and groomsmen wore, invitations, my wedding band, emailing caterers (he did come to tastings), tents, rentals and picking our menu. Maybe your FI just really doesn't care... I know I wasn't interested when he got his ring resized and I defineitly was not going to do it for him.


  • OP, I haven't read all the replies but I'll tell you what happened with me and DH. I figured out that I couldn't just spring something on him. (In fact, I'm springing furniture shopping stuff on him via text right now and I cant tell he's not ready to talk furniture, so I'm backing off.)
    The way I handled it was to show him the wedding checklist and say, "Hey, what are you up to this weekend? Can we set aside an hour or two to listen to music and pick our dances/entrances/etc?"  He had to be in the right frame of mind to make decisions. Once he was in the right mindset, we flew through whatever decision-making had to be done. 
    Really, it was like having business meeting appointments. We focused on comparing/contrasting and picking venues. We focused on music. We focused on the menu. Bringing things up randomly freaks him out, so I stopped doing it. We planned to plan, and it worked. 
    Give it a shot. 
    ________________________________


  • edited March 2016
    So glad you're feeling better, @tigerlily6!
  • So glad that you had a bit of a vacation and some relief of stress. I'm really excited for you that he brought things up by himself and then you were able to make some plans. Sounds like things are back on track :)
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Glad you were able to vent, and glad the two of you had a good talk :).

    THAT is marriage.
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