Guest List Issues with FMIL and Fiance

Re: Guest List Issues with FMIL and Fiance

• flantastic member

  

  April 2016

  Knottie83326472 said:

  So, when originally planning my wedding, we set the guest list to 100 people maximum. I don't like huge events and neither does my fiance so this was perfect. After counting out family and a few friends, our guest list quickly kept growing and growing. My FMIl had 8 couples added onto their side of the list which I thought was unacceptable. My parents are paying for the reception and the food and have only invited one couple. So this caused some tension between FMIL and myself because I felt that she went off. After some discussing with my fiance (who was on my side) and after he talked to his mother, they narrowed it down to four couples for her. I still felt that this was ridiculous but I tried to see the forest instead of the trees if that makes sense. So we have been set at 140 people for awhile now. We have sent out Save the Dates and all has been well. 
  
  This morning, my fiance's grandfather called and insisted that he needed one of my fiance's extended-step cousins to drive them to the wedding and that he should be invited because of this. After thinking about it, my fiance thought the cousin should be invited too! My response was that if he truly wanted this cousin to be there he would have been invited awhile back. We have already sent our stuff and I just feel like this is getting out of control. With this and a few other things, I feel that no one is listening to me or respecting what I want from this. 
  
  At the same time, I can be dramatic and I don't want to be. Any help or suggestions?

  While your FMIL should recognize that any invitations to her friends are graciously given by the hosts (your parents) I think you are creating drama in that four couples is hardly "ridiculous."
  
  You and your fiance should have gotten on the same page about the number of couples of parents' friends you were able to accommodate, and then he should have handled his mom's requests exclusively. Then there would not have been tension between you two.
  
  Your fiance's grandfather was technically out of line, especially depending on how he stated the request, but the options really are that cousin drives them (and then it's most courteous to invite them) or the grandparents can't attend. You can put your foot down about how you shouldn't have to invite the cousin, but my guess is that your FI would rather have his grandparents there. One cousin and 8 FIL friends does not seem like "out of control" unless there are other issues.
  
  I have felt the same way in my wedding planning about my desires not being respected, but you have to make sure your desires are reasonable.
  

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• SP29 member

  

  April 2016

  There are two ways to look at this.
  
  Your grandparents are adults- thus they are responsible for getting themselves to/from the wedding. But, if they need someone to drive them to the wedding, because they don't drive, and it's a family member, it would be a nice gesture to include the family member- more so that it comes down to, how important is it to have the grandparents there? Invite them with their choice of family member who is going to be responsible for getting them there, or risk they cannot come. But also- is there no other family member (like an aunt or uncle or cousin who is invited) who can drive them?
  
  Otherwise, I agree with you. The only people who get to make demands on who is invited to the wedding is those who are hosting. You and your FI need to be on the same page about who you want invited (knowing your parents do get a say as they are paying). It is presumptuous of any other person to make demands on the guest list. I also agree that if this extended cousin was so important to invite, why wasn't he part of the original guest list?
  
  Just as an FYI- anyone who receives a STD must receive an invite, but not all guests need a STD. Thus, it is wise to only send STD to VIPs, which gives you some wiggle room as you get closer to the wedding and relationships change. If you have invited to either your max capacity (i.e. what your budget allows) or the venue's capacity with STDs, you cannot invite more guests.
  

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  April 2016

  In the unlikely event that 100% of your invited guests show up - it's not going to be overwhelmingly big.  That day you'll be so focused on the task at hand that it flies by.  Overwhelming comes in different forms than the guests there celebrating it with you. 

  Often couples underestimate how many guests will be there until the guest lists are made IRL not imagined "oh I think 100 sounds pretty, that's a nice number".  That's like DH's cousin who booked a reception hall for 130-150, invited 350 because they never bothered to add up how many guests they'd be expecting and when 200 RSVP'd weeks before the deadline, they started calling people from the groom's side only (because the bride's parents were paying for the reception after all) to uninvite them.  The groom's side is no lesser class of guest than your side because your parents are picking up the tab, without your groom, you wouldn't be getting married, it's his day too!  That DOES NOT mean you have to invite the additional 4 couples, it's that you cannot use "my parents are paying for it" as the excuse.

  What do your parents have to say?  So your FMIL wants to invite 8 couples and you can only afford 4, you have two options - let your FI handle it with whatever decision you've made together, or say "we really want to keep it small, but we will let you invite the additional 4 couples if you pay for them, but that is the end of the additions because our venue will be out of space".. 

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• flantastic member

  

  April 2016

  MesmrEwe said:

  In the unlikely event that 100% of your invited guests show up - it's not going to be overwhelmingly big.  That day you'll be so focused on the task at hand that it flies by.  Overwhelming comes in different forms than the guests there celebrating it with you. 

  Often couples underestimate how many guests will be there until the guest lists are made IRL not imagined "oh I think 100 sounds pretty, that's a nice number".  That's like DH's cousin who booked a reception hall for 130-150, invited 350 because they never bothered to add up how many guests they'd be expecting and when 200 RSVP'd weeks before the deadline, they started calling people from the groom's side only (because the bride's parents were paying for the reception after all) to uninvite them.  The groom's side is no lesser class of guest than your side because your parents are picking up the tab, without your groom, you wouldn't be getting married, it's his day too!  That DOES NOT mean you have to invite the additional 4 couples, it's that you cannot use "my parents are paying for it" as the excuse.

  What do your parents have to say?  So your FMIL wants to invite 8 couples and you can only afford 4, you have two options - let your FI handle it with whatever decision you've made together, or say "we really want to keep it small, but we will let you invite the additional 4 couples if you pay for them, but that is the end of the additions because our venue will be out of space".. 

  I was wanting to say something like this but couldn't figure out how to word it - of course you run into issues when you pluck a number out of thin air and then look at the people you want to invite.
  

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• kvruns member

  

  April 2016

  4 couples is hardly what I would call ridiculous. I would hope his family/friends were taken into consideration with the guest list as was your side. It is hard to narrow down the list so just make sure you and FI are on the same page. 
  
  For grandfather issue, for any of our elderly relatives who we knew couldn't drive themselves we budgeted a driver/guest for each. We didn't put it on the invite but they were informed. Originally my mom tried to turn these escorts into inviting more people (well Jane will likely bring Great Aunt Martha so if Jane is coming then extended cousin Sue should be invited, etc). I put my foot down that Great Aunt Martha was invited with someone to help her travel but we weren't extending a formal invite to the person we thought would drive her since we didn't really know. Ended up as a moot point since none of the elderly wanted to travel which was fine (was 2 hours for most of them)

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• CMGragain member

  

  April 2016

  OP, get real.  Just because your parents are paying for your reception doesn't mean that your FILS don't get any guests who are their friends.  Four couples is very reasonable.  When daughter was married, his side had about 50 people - all close relatives.  We had 6.  We paid for the wedding and the reception.  It was not a contest.  It was about who had the greatest need.  Our family is very small, but the groom's side was huge.
  
  One of daughter's bridesmaids had transportation issues.  She asked for a plus one to solve that problem.  The plus one turned into the man she has been living with for the past five years.  So glad he could help us out with the transportation!
  
  Daughter has been married almost five years now.  She has said that, looking back, she now realizes that inviting all her friends wasn't that important.  Many of her then friends are now out of the picture, having moved away or other circumstances.  Family, on the other hand, will always be with you - like it or not.
  

  

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• oywiththepoodles member

  

  April 2016 edited April 2016

  I do 100% understand not wanting to have parental friends who you barely know invited to your wedding. 
  
  But, this can of worms does get opened up if others besides you and your FI are the ones paying for the reception - you sort of lose that total control of your guest list at that point. If having just a specific guest list and maintaining total control of who is on it was a top priority for you and your FI, you should have hosted the reception yourself (even if it was a more scaled back version - whatever you could afford).
  
  My questions at this point would be - did your parents make it clear how many guests they'd be able to accommodate within their set budget? I agree completely that it is OK if it is not perfectly even between sides, as long as everyone was clear from the start in terms of who was deciding on what final invite list / count would be. 
  
  The request from your grandfather was seemingly not appropriate, but if we're literally talking about one extra guest (and it would make your grandfather more comfortable and ensure that he's able to get there, i.e. if other options are not feasible or would be a severe inconvenience for him), then I would probably extend an invite to that cousin, too. You aren't required to - but if it is within the invite count budgeted by your parents - I might consider it in this situation.
  
  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2016 edited April 2016

  Well, you've already sent STDs to the four couples that FMIL wanted to invite, so that ship has sailed. Forget about it.
  
  Grandpa's request is legitimate. He (or he and Grandma) needs transportation to your wedding. Perhaps the distant step-cousin is Grandpa's source for transportation. How lucky the family is that someone is willing to do that. Your fi wants to invite the cousin. Why are you even questioning this? Unless your fi is willing to pick up grandpa and assist him throughout the wedding day, send the invitation to the cousin. If you don't, Grandpa might miss the wedding. 
  

                     

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