Is this normal or am I losing my mind?

bleve0821 · April 2016

We are less than one month out from our wedding... And I am absolutely terrified. I have these moments of extreme panic, like literally where my heart pounds and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and do my best Exorcist impression, minus the pea soup.

The only thing I can think of that's making me feel this level of anxiety is the presumed "change" that comes with being married, although aside from my name and a piece of paper, really nothing is changing for us. It's not about getting married. It's not about the commitment, or til death do us part. If I thought for one moment that I was making a mistake marrying my FI, I wouldn't do it. I would have walked away. I love this man and I can't imagine a future where he isn't in it. He dropped everything when my job transferred me, we bought a house together, I've never once thought twice about spending the rest of my life with him. He's my best friend. He's the salt to my pretzel. There's no doubt. About any of it. There never has been, and there isn't now. But the closer we get to the wedding day, the more panicky I get.

It's not about flowers. It's not about falling on my face, or the music, or the cake, or anything at all about the details of the wedding. It's so unspecific, but it's there. AND I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND. Because I look at the man I'm about to marry, and he fills me with such joy and mushy shit that I get weepy (which is annoying as shit, too). But the moment someone asks me about wedding plans or congratulates us or anything, I feel like someone has put my chest in a vice and is squeezing.

I'm relatively calm at the moment (ahhh, Pinot... you are my friend), but I know it's going to happen again. And again. Part of me wants to know if this is normal... but part of me is afraid that it isn't and I'm just a special kind of nutcase. Either way, I see this being a very long month.

CMGragain · April 2016

Panic attacks are very scary, and you don't have to have a reason to have one. They are physical.
I think you should see your doctor. He might be able to prescribe you something to help you with this. My DH gets these when he travels.

madamerwin · April 2016

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like panic attacks - which can come out of nowhere, for seemingly no logical reason. I second @CMGragain - I would see if you can make an appointment with your doctor, and possibly also therapist. I have anxiety problems, and my therapist was able to help me learn how to cope with them. Good luck

thefanciestbeckler · April 2016

I agree with PPs. I have had panic attacks and still struggle with some anxiety, so I know how scary it can be. Definitely talk to your doctor or a therapist if possible.

Also, here's a little tip I've found helpful - I studied psychology in college and really focused in counseling. One if my professors recommended a calming technique called Take 5. You basically take a deep breath through your mouth for 5 seconds, filling your lungs completely. Hold it for 5 seconds and then slowly blow the air out through your mouth for 5 seconds. Repeat 5 times. The extra oxygen stimulates a part of your brain that promotes relaxation. It really helps

princessleia22 · April 2016

I think it's understandable to get anxious over the planning. It's good that you realize it's not anxiety over your soon to be husband or being married to him. But, if it's not that, it's probably caused by the stress and pressure of the event itself. People/society put a lot of pressure on wanting a wedding to be amazing. It's "supposed to be the best day of your life". That is A LOT of pressure to put on those of us planning this thing. How in the hell are we supposed to plan an absolutely perfect event that meets everyone's expectations? It really helped me a lot to realize that it is JUST A PARTY. It doesn't need to be perfect... which is good because it all likelihood it won't be "perfect". Things most likely go wrong... and then I'll deal with them and still have an amazing time. I decided that there were very few things that could actually ruin my wedding. Basically only things that actually prevented us from being married at the end of the day would ruin it... everything else were just obstacles to make better stories later (like my horribly crappy DJ that started playing pretty offensive rap to a room of 60 year olds). It's just a party. It's one day and then life will go on afterward, even if flowers weren't perfect, or if you tripped going down the aisle, or you forget your choreographed first dance steps (we were guilty of that one). And you get to tackle that one day with an awesome man by your side, who will still be by your side (as your HUSBAND) for all the days afterward.

And like others said, if the anxiety is getting that bad, it may help to see a doctor to get some help. Maybe that means just some basic coping tips, maybe some counseling sessions, maybe medication. But, it could definitely help.

ernursej · April 2016

I struggle with anxiety (I've found things that do help) and the best tool I have used (and continue to use) is the STAR tool. S - stop. Stop whatever you are doing. T - think. Think about the current emotion/feeling and what you are feeling, when it started, how you were feeling before and how you would like to feel. A - Act. Action your emotions to be the same as how you want to feel. Action can also mean do an activity that is relaxing or happy. R - reflect. Reflect on the episode when it is done to look for clues for what might have triggered or contributed to the response. Reflection is also a time for praise for working on STAR and working to get yourself out of the worrisome emotion.

Most panic attacks have a root cause, but they can be very hard to pin down. I would also agree with PPs to visit your MD to talk about a plan that might help you. There are lots of short term meds and longer term cognitive behavioural therapy that can help.

Anxiety is horrible. I hope that you will find inner peace.

bleve0821 · April 2016

Thanks, guys. I didn't realize these may be panic attacks since I've never had one before. I will be sure to mention it to my doc... FI is the one with anxiety and he's not having any problems that I'm aware of. I've been hesitant to talk to him because I communicate for shit and I don't want him to think I'm getting cold feet. I will sit down with him this weekend though and get his take.

@thefanciestbeckler, I will def try the Take 5. My MOH recommended "Wooosaaa" but that makes me giggle too much.

@ernursej I will also try STAR! That sounds like a great tool, too.

@princessleia22, I've been trying to think of this as a party, not a wedding, and it's helped some. I have zero expectations of the day going exactly as planned... Which is why I have no concrete plans. The day will go as it goes and we will be married at the end of it and the people who love us will have a good time.

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

I suffered from panic attacks for a decade or more. Try avoiding stimulants like sugar or caffeine. If taking time to breathe is hard, drink a glass of water, it will help you naturally slow down your breathing.

Also try finding a daily stress reliever; run, color, punch a bag etc. A panic attack is your body's physical reaction to something that you haven't released.

But most importantly, it is not you, it's not all in your head, and it's not abnormal.

spockforprez · April 2016

kimmiinthemitten said:

I suffered from panic attacks for a decade or more. Try avoiding stimulants like sugar or caffeine. If taking time to breathe is hard, drink a glass of water, it will help you naturally slow down your breathing.

Also try finding a daily stress reliever; run, color, punch a bag etc. A panic attack is your body's physical reaction to something that you haven't released.

But most importantly, it is not you, it's not all in your head, and it's not abnormal.

Tangent about the bolded... I'm not a big coffee drinker and I love Starbucks frapps which aren't even qualified to be called coffee. But a few years ago when I started losing weight, I switched over to skinny iced lattes (which were 80 cals instead of 400) and they have espresso in them. I started getting these strange heart-racing panic episodes that seemed unrelated to my general anxiety issues. It took months but I narrowed it down to those espresso drinks! No more of those for me.

Now I just don't drink Starbucks.

ahoywedding · April 2016

I'll second or third the possible panic attacks.

But also, I do share some of your apprehensions about the wedding. I don't know how old you are or where you are in life. I'm on the older(ish) side for a first time bride and until this point in my life I've been very self-sufficient and was comfortable with the idea of not getting married or settling down. I love my FI to death but sometimes thinking about making these huge life choices still makes me feel a little like OMG WHAT AM I DOING. I know it's the right choice, but it's such a big life change, even if WE aren't the ones putting the emphasis on the day. There's such a societal influence with getting married, as much as I've been pretty meh about most things wedding-related. I read a really good article (I think HuffPo?) along a similar line...more women now are waiting longer to get married and putting less emphasis on it, but society still views it as a BFD.

Apologies if that's a little rambly, the TL/DR version is yes it's a big life change (no matter how you personally view it) and a little anxiety or apprehension is probably not unheard of. But yes, see your doc if the anxiety persists. Panic attacks are a b and you don't want to deal with that on your wedding day.

bleve0821 · April 2016

ahoywedding said:

But also, I do share some of your apprehensions about the wedding. I don't know how old you are or where you are in life. I'm on the older(ish) side for a first time bride and until this point in my life I've been very self-sufficient and was comfortable with the idea of not getting married or settling down. I love my FI to death but sometimes thinking about making these huge life choices still makes me feel a little like OMG WHAT AM I DOING. I know it's the right choice, but it's such a big life change, even if WE aren't the ones putting the emphasis on the day. There's such a societal influence with getting married, as much as I've been pretty meh about most things wedding-related. I read a really good article (I think HuffPo?) along a similar line...more women now are waiting longer to get married and putting less emphasis on it, but society still views it as a BFD.

This has been something at the back of my mind for several months, and now I wonder if this could be contributing to my anxiety. I'm close to 30, I didn't meet my FI until I was prepping my PhD defense and had already accepted a lucrative job in the area. Most of my friends had been married for several years by that time, and half of them were already starting families. I won't say I was comfortable with the idea of not getting married (I def wasn't ready to settle down), but I was comfortable knowing that I didn't need to get married to be able to live comfortably or happily.

If I'm honest with myself, I guess part of me isn't really ready to give up the sense of independence I had when I was single. Rationally, I don't really believe that anything will change. It won't take away my career, or my degree, or anything I've done for the first 30 years of my life. But irrationally, I can't help but feel like once I take his name, maybe it will change all that, that maybe it will diminish all my personal accomplishments and my sense of self. Completely ridiculous, I know...

Oh, and thanks, @spockforprez and @kimmiinthemitten. I recently switched from tea to coffee since my insomnia is rearing it's ugly head again... So maybe no more coffee.

ShesSoCold · April 2016

Almond oil.

Is this normal or am I losing my mind?

Re: Is this normal or am I losing my mind?

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