Trying not to have a sad wedding

justkatnow · April 2016

Our wedding is next month and I've been putting together a memorial table for my mom, who unfortunately passed away 3 years ago. I didn't want it to be too sad and make me cry. Just wanted to honor her.

Last week, I had devastating news that my brother had a massive cerebral hemorrhage and was declared brain dead. He was going to be the best man. It's been a struggle to get back into wedding mode. Hard to feel celebratory right now.

He unfortunately did not write down his best man speech, it was all in head. He always said he was going to "wing it". I would have loved to read it during that time...regardless of how sad it would make me.

Didn't know if anyone had suggestions on how to memorialize him without making it too sad. I just want to honor the people that meant so much to me.

JeeGooDowster · April 2016

I don't have any suggestions but I would like to say that I'm very sorry that you are going through this right now when you should be so happy to start a new chapter in your life.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

Is there a piece of jewelry from your mom that you can wear on your wedding day? Or put a photo of her in a charm frame or locket & pin it to the inside of your dress or to your bouquet. Did your mom have a favorite flower that you can incorporate into your bouquet?

I respect you wanted to honor your mother and brother but your wedding day is already going to be a super emotional day and to have a table of things set up to honor them is just going to be a big reminder to you and the rest of your family that they aren't there. So maybe keep things small and private. For your brother, maybe with the bridal party or with family, do a drink in his honor. Or if he was a goofy type of guy, do a goofy bridal party photo in his honor. Or if he was into sports, do something sports related.

JaxInBlue · April 2016

I'm sorry for the situation you are in right now and sorry in advance if this advice sounds harsher than I intend.

In your position, I would forgo any big, public memorials such as empty chairs, photo displays, or moments of silence. I would instead, make my tributes small and personal, such as wearing a piece of your mom's jewelry or entering to your brother's favorite song. Big public memorials might not only trigger your own sadness but those of other family friends and relatives. It may also not be predictable in advance.

Tributes that are less public, and smaller in scale, give you more control over your emotions. If you try putting on your mom's necklace, for example, but realize it's making you too sad, you can easily remove it. You can't do the same with a large display of photos.

Again, I'm sorry for your losses and hope you find the right balance for you.

OliveOilsMom · April 2016

I'm sorry for your losses. It can be difficult to find the balance between honoring your passed loved ones and having an event that is celebratory.

FIL had passed 6 year prior to our wedding. MIL was still very upset by the passing, so we actually went to great lengths to make the day easy on her. We knew she would be missing her spouse on the day of their son's wedding. So we actually even banned some typical wedding songs with our DJ, since they were ILs "songs".

We had no overt displays. We had a Catholic ceremony, so FIL was mentioned during the normal course of mass. We also had a bouquet of flowers that represented our grandparents and FIL. This bouquet was sitting in the church, but did not have any signs or anything, so we knew what the flowers represented, but others did not. We did have a picture of FIL and MIL at their wedding on display at the reception, but other wedding portraits from other family members were also located on the table. We did mention those who had passed in our programs and listed them there.

Does your brother have a favorite song? I think a good way to honor your brother would be to play his favorite song and just go crazy on the dance floor in honor of him. It's best to not have an announcement about it, you don't want to invoke any sad feelings or unexpected tears upon wedding goers. Most all will know what has happened.

You and your FI could carry pictures of your brother in your bouquet and FI's pocket. That way your brother is close to you during the ceremony. I also would not appoint a new BM. I would still consider your brother to be the BM. You can ask another GM to sign the license. If another GM offers to give a speech, I would take him up on that offer.

The best thing to remember during the remainder of your time prior to your wedding and through your wedding, is - would my brother want me to be sad on my wedding day? I'm sure that answer is no. So just carry on as best you can. It's ok to cry and get sad that he is not there, but try not to let that consume your thoughts on your wedding day.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

justkatnow said:

Our wedding is next month and I've been putting together a memorial table for my mom, who unfortunately passed away 3 years ago. I didn't want it to be too sad and make me cry. Just wanted to honor her.

Last week, I had devastating news that my brother had a massive cerebral hemorrhage and was declared brain dead. He was going to be the best man. It's been a struggle to get back into wedding mode. Hard to feel celebratory right now.

He unfortunately did not write down his best man speech, it was all in head. He always said he was going to "wing it". I would have loved to read it during that time...regardless of how sad it would make me.

Didn't know if anyone had suggestions on how to memorialize him without making it too sad. I just want to honor the people that meant so much to me.

Less is more. A wedding is a happy time. Don't turn it into a memorial service. It's going to be sad enough not having these people there, you don't want everyone to be sobbing out of sadness rather than letting out some happy tears. Have their favorite food on the menu. Play a song during the reception that reminds you of dance parties in your living room. Have a piece of their clothing sewn into the inside of your wedding dress. Wrap something belonging to them around the handle of your bouquet. You really want to keep the memorials personal and on the down low. The last thing you need is your dad breaking down, your other siblings and aunts and uncles weeping uncontrolably, your grandmother freaking out because not only did she lose her daughter 3 years ago, but now her grandson is gone too. Yes, acknowledge the sadness, but then remind yourself that this is a happy event and keep the sadness in the background.

SP29 · April 2016

So sorry for your losses.

I agree with keeping things simple and understated. Wear a piece of your mom's jewelry. Have her favourite flower in your bouquet. Play their favourite songs. Serve your brother's favourite drink.

thisismynickname2 · April 2016

I'm very sorry for your losses. Hugs...

Jen4948 · April 2016

I am so sorry for your losses.

I agree with not overtly memorializing either your mother or your brother, because that would indeed make your wedding too sad. You can do the following:

1) Wear or carry items belonging to or associated with your mother or brother
2) Provide food, beverages, decorations, or entertaiment they would have enjoyed
3) Mention them briefly in speeches
4) Mention them in appropriate prayers if your wedding is religious
5) Donate to charity in their memories (if you do this, keep your donations private. Don't announce them to guests, because they will feel "nudged" to donate and it's up to them whether they do or not)

I would avoid any candle or photo displays unless they are small and very subtle. For example, don't put any candles or photos by themselves. I would also avoid any empty seats with flowers or photos on them, as these are very overt "memorial" gestures that will evoke sadness and grief.

levioosa · April 2016

I am so sorry for your losses. Unfortunately memorial tables are not a good idea, as they can be painful for many people, and they will turn a joyous occasion into a sad one. You can personally honor your mother and brother by carrying something personal of theirs with you, playing their favorite songs, etc. I am so sorry. *Hugs*

jacques27 · April 2016

I'm sorry for the losses you've experienced.

Personally, I would forego the table. Your wedding isn't a memorial service and if just putting together the items is causing you grief, just think of how that will feel on what should be a day of celebration. Also, it can be triggering for other people who loved your mother and brother who are at the wedding, especially if they aren't expecting such a memorial since it's a wedding. It's still fairly fresh as well (three years may seem long, but I know it was a good five years before I could even turn down the road my grandmother lived on after she passed and would have had the wind knocked out of me if I saw a memorial table at someone's celebration). People will know you loved them and will likely be thinking of them as well and wishing they were there without having a display there.

What about carrying something meaningful to you that represents the two of them? Do you have a piece of jewelry you could wear? A small photo you could put into a locket and put into your bouquet? Sew some fabric from their favorite piece of clothing into your dress?

You could also do less obvious things - put their favorite flowers in your bouquet, for example. Did they have a favorite food/dessert that you could arrange to have with your caterer? Have a signature drink of their favorite libations?

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

PP's have it covered, just wanted to pass along my condolences.

CMGragain · April 2016

I am so sorry for your losses. I agree with other posters that a memorial table is not a good idea.

I had my grandmother privately place a rose from my bouquet on my Dad's grave after the wedding. Nobody knew except the two of us.

Was your brother an organ donor? I think the best way to memorialize someone is to give someone else a chance to live. I'm not personally eligible to donate anything anymore. I was sad to have that taken off my driver's license.

spockforprez · April 2016

So, so sorry for your losses.

I don't want to compare my husband's injury to your mother's or brother's deaths, but I got married in the hospital, about a month after my fiance was severely injured in a motorcycle accident. Our wedding day was lovely, and devastating, and happy, and sad, and wonderful, and surreal. You'll feel that way too, and it's okay. There will be joy in your sorrow, and vice versa. It's a hard feeling to describe but you'll recognize it on the day of. One of those "last chapter of the novel" or "the music swells and the credits roll" kind of feelings.

I agree with PPs to keep memorials small and symbolic rather than overt, just because you will feel so overwhelmed that day already. I felt kind of vulnerable on my wedding day. Our love and loss were out there for all to see and comment on. Putting up a big reminder might strike you in the wrong place while you have that vulnerable, in-the-spotlight feeling. Don't feel guilty for focusing on yourself and your new husband on that day! I never knew your mom or your brother but I feel confident that's what they would want.

Big hugs, OP.

MesmrEwe · April 2016

Would the two of them want you to be soaked up in grief or would the two of them want you to be fully present and enjoying "the moment" with their spirit energy surrounding you?

IMO - Go ahead and have a memorial bouquet at the ceremony, wear a piece of your Mom's jewelry - bonus points if you can borrow something that was your brothers to include with your bouquet.. and have a prayer or moment of silence "to remember those who've passed whose lives still impact us all today" (because it's unique to each individual who they think of that makes that moment)...

It is a highly emotional time but know their energy will be with you that day and let itself be known to you in some little unique way...

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

When DD was married,my Mom (passed 13 years ago) and Dad (passed 6 years ago) were mentioned in the prayer. I teared up. It was fine but I was still emotional. I don't know how I would have reacted if there had been an overt memorial to them. Please go the subtle route. I think it will be better for you and other family members who are present.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

The advice from other PPs is good, just wanted to say I am so sorry for your losses. Best wishes.

justkatnow · April 2016

Thanks everyone. All responses are really appreciated. I already have a shirt of my moms that will be torn into strips and used to wrap my bouquet. I also bought a pin brooch that I was going to put my mom in. Now I'm going to find a pic of the two of them.
We are definitely not replacing him in regards with him being the best man. I could never do that

I have 3 boys and it's just going to them up there with my FI now.

I'm not sure about the memorial table now. I really wanted to have one but everyone seems to think its a bad idea. I feel so overwhelmed with all my emotions.

I do thank everyone for their input tho. I have 30 days to figure it out, hopefully something will feel right.

holyguacamole79 · April 2016

Just wanted to add my condolences. I hope your wedding day is a source of joy in the midst of pain

.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

justkatnow said:

Thanks everyone. All responses are really appreciated. I already have a shirt of my moms that will be torn into strips and used to wrap my bouquet. I also bought a pin brooch that I was going to put my mom in. Now I'm going to find a pic of the two of them.
We are definitely not replacing him in regards with him being the best man. I could never do that I have 3 boys and it's just going to them up there with my FI now.

I'm not sure about the memorial table now. I really wanted to have one but everyone seems to think its a bad idea. I feel so overwhelmed with all my emotions.

I do thank everyone for their input tho. I have 30 days to figure it out, hopefully something will feel right.

If you're feeling overwhelmed by your emotions right now, multiply that by all your family and friends and add in the emotions of a WEDDING (woo!) and you have a shit ton of emotions flying around. Don't give the sad emotions a venue with a memorial table. Let the happy emotions take precedence since the sad ones will sneak up on you anyway.

MesmrEwe · April 2016

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020756/uploads/editor/zg/ht749xg95ela.jpg

A trend a few years back - you can get charm type things from Michael's or JoAnn's, etc. in the jewelry making section which you can put a small image of a person into then you can have your florist incorporate that into the bouquet so a picture of both... Here is the idea...

Trying not to have a sad wedding

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