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A Touchy Subject... Religion

maynewellmaynewell member
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So I am a bride to be next year in May, and I am a little worried over not stepping on peoples toes. I was raised in one church and my fiance in another. After years of searching I finally decided to convert to his religion and am very happy with my decision. When I told my immediate family they were disappointed but still supportive. However, I am worried about my grandparents. They are EXTREMELY religious and I'm afraid they are going to try to guilt me or my soon to be in-laws or cause some sort of a scene. I also know that my fiance's part of the family will want alcoholic beverages at the celebration and my side of the family is VERY against alcohol. I don't know what to do to make sure everyone feels comfortable!!!!!
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Re: A Touchy Subject... Religion

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You are right this is touchy. If there is some way to make your family feel more comfortable about the ceremony you should do it. My daughter got married in the Catholic church after converting several years ago before she met SIL. No one in our family is Catholic. She made sure to have a program that explained when people were to sit/stand and had the wording for parts of the ceremony with which people weren't familiar.Tell them ahead of time about things that might be different from what they are use to seeing at weddings.  If they start to give you a hard time before the wedding, just keep saying you are an adult and have made your own faith decisions. As for the alcohol, who's paying? If your family is paying for the reception, I think they have the right to say they won't pay for alcohol. However, if they aren't you have every right to have it (if you want not just because FI family wants it). You might want to reassure them it won't be a rowdy free for all (assuming it won't).
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  • MandTFebruary62011MandTFebruary62011 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm not very religious, and while my fiance would like to have a more religious ceremony we both would prefer to have someone who knows us marry us and neither of us have access to the pastors we grew up with.  My grandparents are definitely disappointed it won't be a church wedding.  One was more understanding (big surprise there) and the other I think will be perpetually disappointed.  No skin off my back.  They will be well fed and comfortable all day, the fact that we won't be having a pastor marry us doesn't affect them.

    Also, I agree with the poster above. You and your fiance should consider what kind of reception you want and possibly not take money offered from your family if the strings that are attached won't work with how you decide you want to host.  Same goes for his family in the event you decide you would like to not have alcohol at your reception.  You can host whichever way you want as long as you host.  You may have people decide not to come or choose to leave early whichever way you host so I would start with what you two want and go from there.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'll echo PPs.   You two need to figure out the kind of ceremony and reception you want to have and if those who may have offered help would do so with strings attached about what you can and can't do, decline.

    I will say that you should not have a religious ceremony if you aren't religious and I'd try to explain to your grandparents that doing so would actually be insulting TO them if you pretended to do something that you didn't believe.

    As for alcohol, maybe it's the Irish Catholic in me but I can't understand being so upset about the existence of alcohol that you don't want to be in the same room where it's served.    If you don't want to drink, don't. 
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  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    DH and I are not religious but my family is very religious. We had a non-religious ceremony. Were my parents disappointed? Sure but they know I'm an adult and make my own decisions and they got over it. Also my side of the family doesn't drink. We still had alcohol at our wedding. They just didn't drink it. We had sodas and stuff available for them. Do they approve that I enjoy alcohol, not really but again they know I'm an adult and they get over it. 

    Relax, as long as you host everyone appropriately you are fine. I agree with PPs though if they offer you money you might want to decline it b/c of attached strings. 
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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Yes, this is a touchy situation. I had a similar one. DH and I are Christian, and the majority of our families are as well. However, part of my extended family is MUCH more conservative than everyone else (i.e. they are very against alcohol in any amount, some aren't fans of dancing, etc.)

    He and I paid for our wedding, and we did have alcohol. The area that the bartender set up in was visible to everyone, but wasn't so obvious that it would be offensive to people who were against it. We also provided plenty of non-alcoholic options for those who don't drink.

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    First, have the wedding that you and FI want to have, regardless of anyone else's opinion.

    There are some things you could do at the reception to minimize the differences between both families' feelings.  If you are paying and want alcohol, then have it.  But maybe limit it to beer and wine only.  Wherever the bar is, seat your family on the opposite side.  If its possible, maybe have a sub-station on your family's side that offers all non-alcoholic options.

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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    I'll echo PPs.   You two need to figure out the kind of ceremony and reception you want to have and if those who may have offered help would do so with strings attached about what you can and can't do, decline.

    I will say that you should not have a religious ceremony if you aren't religious and I'd try to explain to your grandparents that doing so would actually be insulting TO them if you pretended to do something that you didn't believe.

    As for alcohol, maybe it's the Irish Catholic in me but I can't understand being so upset about the existence of alcohol that you don't want to be in the same room where it's served.    If you don't want to drink, don't. 
    OP didn't say she wasn't religious, but she has joined her fiance's church and is happy about it. While I don't agree, some churches forbid alcohol so that could be why it is a big deal to her family. I like @thefanciestbeckler"s idea of having the bar unobtrusive if they choose to have a bar. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ILoveBeachMusic said:
    banana468 said:
    I'll echo PPs.   You two need to figure out the kind of ceremony and reception you want to have and if those who may have offered help would do so with strings attached about what you can and can't do, decline.

    I will say that you should not have a religious ceremony if you aren't religious and I'd try to explain to your grandparents that doing so would actually be insulting TO them if you pretended to do something that you didn't believe.

    As for alcohol, maybe it's the Irish Catholic in me but I can't understand being so upset about the existence of alcohol that you don't want to be in the same room where it's served.    If you don't want to drink, don't. 
    OP didn't say she wasn't religious, but she has joined her fiance's church and is happy about it. While I don't agree, some churches forbid alcohol so that could be why it is a big deal to her family. I like @thefanciestbeckler"s idea of having the bar unobtrusive if they choose to have a bar. 
    I should have clarified.   I know she said she was joining her FI's faith.   My point is that she should not opt to do something in the faith of other family members just to please them.   This isn't the same as "Grandma doesn't like chicken so I'm serving ham."   This is a far bigger deal and it's up to the OP to do her own soul-searching.   If that means that she's not going to continue in the faith of her grandparents then I would hope her grandparents understand that it would be rude to them to do things for the sake of pretend.

    And I understand that other faiths are against alcohol consumption.   But I have to wonder how people of those faiths participate in a lot of society when the ability to consume it in restaurants is publicly available.   To respect the more conservative members who don't drink I wouldn't have a champagne tower or an ice luge of vodka that flaunts the consumption, but I think you can still host it and make it available.   
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    banana468 said:

    And I understand that other faiths are against alcohol consumption.   But I have to wonder how people of those faiths participate in a lot of society when the ability to consume it in restaurants is publicly available.   To respect the more conservative members who don't drink I wouldn't have a champagne tower or an ice luge of vodka that flaunts the consumption, but I think you can still host it and make it available.   
     I don't see the big deal either, but with a recent vote in my precinct - first one ever since we had been a dry township - I learned some of the protestants refused to eat at restaurants in the neighborhood which now offered alcohol, especially on Sunday. This attitude even kept one popular brunch spot from applying for a liquor license. So I do think some people live their faith to the point that they patronize establishments that align with their morals. Not waiting alcohol at a family event doesn't strike me as odd...but it also doesn't mean they are going to get their way.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    photokitty said:
    banana468 said:

    And I understand that other faiths are against alcohol consumption.   But I have to wonder how people of those faiths participate in a lot of society when the ability to consume it in restaurants is publicly available.   To respect the more conservative members who don't drink I wouldn't have a champagne tower or an ice luge of vodka that flaunts the consumption, but I think you can still host it and make it available.   
     I don't see the big deal either, but with a recent vote in my precinct - first one ever since we had been a dry township - I learned some of the protestants refused to eat at restaurants in the neighborhood which now offered alcohol, especially on Sunday. This attitude even kept one popular brunch spot from applying for a liquor license. So I do think some people live their faith to the point that they patronize establishments that align with their morals. Not waiting alcohol at a family event doesn't strike me as odd...but it also doesn't mean they are going to get their way.
    That's fair enough.

    Again, a lot of this comes from my own viewpoint and having lived in an area where very few places that serve food don't serve food.     If you refused to patronize a place with a liquor license here you'd have drastically limited options which include Friendly's. 
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Beyond making sure your guests have a spot to sit in and you start at the time stated on your invites, the ceremony IS the one aspect that is all about the bride and the groom, as that is the wedding part. In this respect, regardless of who is paying, only you and your FI get to decide what kind of ceremony you will have.

    I agree with a PP that should your family push you on it, you can state that you feel it would be disrespectful to their religion if you pretend to take part in something that doesn't match your own beliefs.

    As for the reception, (s)he who pays gets a say. I agree that if your family is hosting the reception, they may refuse to pay for alcohol. You and FI either accept that, or pay for the reception yourselves. If you're already doing that- then bonus, you are free to host whatever you like.

    A good idea to have the bar in a bit more of a secluded area of the room (if possible), or keep the bar to wine and beer only with lots of non-alcoholic options. Keep the toasts with drinks to a minimum, or absent.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    When my mother married a Catholic man, they had two punch bowls at the reception - Catholic (alcoholic) and Protestant (non-alcoholic).  My silly aunt got the bowls mixed up and  after a few drinks delivered a temperance sermon.  "Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine!  I must ask Betty for the recipe for this punch!  It is delicious!  Shame on those people for drinking alcohol at a wedding!"  We didn't have the heart to tell her.

    By the way, I am a very religious person (Methodist) and I drink alcohol on occasion.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I really hate it when people use the word "religious"  when they really mean "temperance".  Two completely different things!
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    My best friends family are all Church of Christ members from dry counties in the South. The women don't wear pants or cut their hair either. They refuse to attend any wedding with alcohol or dancing, so they have yet to attend any of the weddings for her siblings. As a result, they're not very close with their grandparents. 

    I think you should host the event that you want to host, as long as you host it properly. If people choose not to attend, that's on them but you need to be okay with it also. 
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