Inviting Officiant's wife to Rehearsal Dinner?

fishnumber2 · April 2016

I'm planning the rehearsal dinner and just found out that the officiant's wife was one of our GM's ex-gf (with a not so pleasant breakup, yikes!). Nobody really knows this except my fiance and I.

For the dinner, we're inviting everyone in the wedding party and their SO's, and I know it's customary to invite the officiant's SO as well... But given the situation, is it okay to not invite her?

banana468 · April 2016

fishnumber2 said:

I'm planning the rehearsal dinner and just found out that the officiant's wife was one of our GM's ex-gf (with a not so pleasant breakup, yikes!). Nobody really knows this except my fiance and I.

For the dinner, we're inviting everyone in the wedding party and their SO's, and I know it's customary to invite the officiant's SO as well... But given the situation, is it okay to not invite her?

Not really. Unless the break up involved restraining orders you need to trust that the adults will behave themselves. Similarly the following day you need to trust that the wife of the officiant and the GM will behave and you need to invite them there as well.

I will say that unpleasant break ups aren't really the reason to omit wedding guests. I had a bad breakup in my 20s, moved on and married someone else. The ex and I have some common friends and if we run into one anther we'll play nice. It's time to be grown ups.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

No, you need to invite her as well. It's pretty rude to ask someone to respect your relationship by officiating your wedding ceremony and disrespect their relationship by not inviting his SO. She needs to be invited to the rehearsal and the wedding.

SaintPaulGal · April 2016

Really?

An officiant is a vendor. Someone you are hiring to perform a service. Why is it oh-so-mandatory to invite this vendor's wife and not, say, the florist's partner or the DJ's girlfriend or the waitstaff's dates? I think it is pretty well established that vendors are an exception to the must-invite-SOs rule, since it's not a social occasion for them.

photokitty · April 2016

If the officiant is not your spiritual advisor and you only know them bc you hired them to officiate your wedding - then I'm team, you don't have to invite them.

My co-worker is a wedding officiant, the majority of her clients are not related to her church. She doesn't expect to be invited and typically declines if she is. She says it is awkward bring the pastor at a table full of strangers who are afraid to have fun in front of the pastor.

If the officiant is your personal priest, pastor, rabbi, etc - invite them.

banana468 · April 2016

SaintPaulGal said:

Really?

An officiant is a vendor. Someone you are hiring to perform a service. Why is it oh-so-mandatory to invite this vendor's wife and not, say, the florist's partner or the DJ's girlfriend or the waitstaff's dates? I think it is pretty well established that vendors are an exception to the must-invite-SOs rule, since it's not a social occasion for them.

The officiant is generally an exception to the rule. He / she is responsible for making you and your SO a legally married couple.

That said, if the officiant is someone you only hired and isn't someone like your parish priest, it can be a grey area. However if the officiant was going to be invited to the RD then he should be invited to the wedding and in all cases he's invited with his spouse.

levioosa · April 2016

You still need to invite her. An officiant is slightly different than any other vendor.

Jen4948 · April 2016

SaintPaulGal said:

Really?

An officiant is a vendor. Someone you are hiring to perform a service. Why is it oh-so-mandatory to invite this vendor's wife and not, say, the florist's partner or the DJ's girlfriend or the waitstaff's dates? I think it is pretty well established that vendors are an exception to the must-invite-SOs rule, since it's not a social occasion for them.

I disagree. Unlike other vendors, this is one service that makes the difference between getting married or not. Since everyone else who is participating in the wedding beyond being a guest must be invited with their SOs, it really wouldn't be polite not to invite the officiant's SO - especially if you have a relationship with your officiant beyond that person being a professional vendor.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

SaintPaulGal said:

Really?

An officiant is a vendor. Someone you are hiring to perform a service. Why is it oh-so-mandatory to invite this vendor's wife and not, say, the florist's partner or the DJ's girlfriend or the waitstaff's dates? I think it is pretty well established that vendors are an exception to the must-invite-SOs rule, since it's not a social occasion for them.

A florist drops off the flowers and leaves. A DJ is and the waitstaff are actively working throughout the reception. The officiant has done his part by the time the reception begins, if you're going to invite him at all, you should invite his wife. If you're just going to hand him an envelope of money after the ceremony and tell him, "thanks for your time," then sure, I guess you don't have to invite his wife. But if you invite him, you should invite his wife. And I guess you don't have to invite him or his wife to the reception, but I guess he also doesn't have to return your signed marriage license to the county office in order to make you legally married. Besides the Bride and the Groom, the Officiant is the single most important person, why not throw him a bone and buy him a meal?

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

I'm also on the side of inviting the officiant and his wife. If he is your pastor or pastor at your parent's/FIL's church, he isn't just a vendor. I agree that if he is just someone you are hiring and paying then it isn't absolutely necessary to invite him. If you do invite him, you need to invite his wife. FWIW, we invited the priest to our DD's wedding reception. He declined. He did; however, attend the RD. He was the priest who confirmed SIL so he wasn't just a vendor.

SP29 · April 2016

One is never required to invite the officiant to the reception, particularly if they are a true vendor (i.e. you found them via google), but it is a nice gesture. If one has a personal connection with the officiant (i.e. your minister, family friend, etc), then it would be considerate to invite him/her.

But we're talking the RD in OP's case. Anyone required to participate in the rehearsal should be invited to the RD- it is your thank you for participating. This should include the officiant.

Anytime you invite someone to a social event, their SO must be invited.

Once we are talking reception or RD, the officiant is no longer a vendor- they have done their job. They are now a guest. This is much different than the florist or baker who delivers the cake/flowers and then leaves, or the DJ who is working all night.

OP- Invite the officiant's SO and expect everyone to act like adults.

AddieCake · April 2016

Yes, you should invite her. Odds are, the officiant and his wife won't attend the RD anyway.

Inviting Officiant's wife to Rehearsal Dinner?

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