Need to vent - Facebook

drglitter · April 2016

My friend's husband died yesterday.

She was planning on waiting until their daughters (ages 10 and 15) got home from school to tell them.

His mother called her pastor to talk to him, and a few minutes later said pastor posted it on the church's public Facebook page.

Someone from the church called to tell her how sorry they were, which is how she found out it was on Facebook.

So instead of having a couple of hours to process that she just became a widow and get her (metaphorical) shit together, she had to go pick up her kids so that they didn't find out about their own father's death on Facebook.

Isn't it common sense and basic human decency to wait until you know the family wants it discussed publicly before you do something like that?

Anyway, it made me very angry. Needed to vent.

ShesSoCold · April 2016

No, you're right. That's total horseshit.

I found out about my cousins' murders because of facebook. It was horrible. And my sister found out about our grandma's death from a text from a family friend who found out via facebook. People have no decency anymore with that sort of thing.

thefanciestbeckler · April 2016

Oh my gosh. That pisses me off. I found out that my grandfather died via Facebook, and it really sucked. He had been sick for a few days, so it wasn't totally unexpected. BUT STILL!!!

Have some class, people!!!! Use your brain!!!! If you haven't been specifically told that it is ok to discuss on Facebook, you don't assume that it is ok and post it anyways.

monkeysip · April 2016

Wow... I can't imagine A) how your friend must feel or B ) how awful it would be to find out YOUR FATHER died on FACEBOOK.

That's just infuriating and heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your friend and her family.

kvruns · April 2016

wtf that is bad. it is like there is this rush to share news on fb to be the First that people don't think about the consequences of sharing when it isn't your place

(I wonder if the pastor knew the kids hadn't been told or if the mom said something like "yes we'd love the church's prayers" and it was taken that it was ok to post a prayer request or something)

cgss11 · April 2016

Esh that's bad. My Mom is in charge of her church's FB page, and I know she usually waits until an obituary and plans have been made, making enough time to avoid this kind of issue.

princessleia22 · April 2016

Wow, that's really bad. I agree that people need to just slow down on that stuff. My general theory is to not post anything online until/unless immediate family or whatever posts something. Unless it's my parents/kids/siblings/spouse, it's not my place to spread news like that, unless someone asks me to. I was even present when my aunt died a while back and never posted it on social media. Even though I was close enough to be one of the 4 people in the room when she passed, I still felt that it was up to her kids/husband to spread the word, not me.

I think this theory needs to apply to non-tragedies as well. My MIL found out about my engagement from Facebook, 2 minutes after it happened. My sister was there when I got engaged, so news traveled fast. I also go with the theory that I won't post any photos of someone else's wedding until bride/groom do so first. I think they should be the ones to announce the news on social media and should get to post the first photo.

CharmedPam · April 2016

<insert the facebook "like" button here> @princessleia22

thisismynickname2 · April 2016

That's really awful. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I thought it was bad enough when people post baby announcements for babies who aren't theirs. This is definitely worse.

glasgowtolondon · April 2016

thisismynickname said:

That's really awful. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I thought it was bad enough when people post baby announcements for babies who aren't theirs. This is definitely worse.

Yeah, my friends SIL did this when her daughter was born. BF hasn't, and says she won't, share pics of her online and feels really strongly about it. Her SIL not only announced the birth before they had even told a lot of friends/family, but posted pics until they told her to stop. Some people really do have their head up their arse.

banana468 · April 2016

I'd be calling that pastor / church to tell him to knock it off. Someone in his position should get a schooling on social media.

I think FB has its place but FFS let the news get out first. After my cousin's suicide his sister posted about it nearly 12 hours later. At that point the closest family members were aware of what was going on and had known for hours. That was theraputic for her.

But I sure as shit didn't post about it.

madamerwin · April 2016

Wow, that really is shitty. I would most definitely call the pastor and let him know that he fucked up (maybe in nicer words). It seems like common sense not to publicize bad news (or even good news) on FB before the people immediately involved make it public.

When my grandpa died, my mom made the point to call each of the kids and let them know, and she also said she would let us know when all of the cousins knew (so that we would not post anything on FB before everyone had been told). When my sister had her baby, it seemed like common sense to me to be silent on FB until they themselves announced it. However, my other sisters and mom all posted something along the lines of "Thinking of my [sister/daughter] as she is going through labor!" Sister was pissed - they had not planned to say anything on FB until the baby was born, but the FB posts led to a bunch of people calling and texting BIL while my sister was going through a very long and painful labor. Some people forget that just because they have FB doesn't mean they are allowed to broadcast other people's new.

I am so sorry for your and your friend's loss... Hugs.

cgss11 · April 2016

The wedding comment reminded me of how my MIL posted some pics she took of us during our first look and had them on fb before the wedding even started. I was livid!

SP29 · April 2016

That is not cool.

I agree that one should not post about someone elses business- period- unless it affects them and they have asked permission.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

That is awful! I'm hoping they posted because your friends said she would like the church's prayers. People really need to know boundaries though. my BIL emailed my two older kids (they are adults) that their Grandma had cancer. H and I were waiting to tell them until they got home from work! When she was put in hospice we called right away so "uncle" wouldn't be breaking the news to them.

I'm very sorry for your friend and her children's loss.

ernursej · April 2016

That is so insensitive. I'm really going to hope that the Pastor thought he had been given the go ahead (like please keep us in the Church prayer circle).

Facebook is bad for things popping up before they should.

In terms of weddings - I'm posting a photo of us before we go to the ceremony as one of my friends always seems to post something before the couple gets to. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

tigerlily6 · April 2016

That's ridiculous and incredibly rude. I cannot imagine being in your friend's shoes.

I was just talking to a friend about how social media has really destroyed our sense of privacy. On the one hand it is cool that I have been able to keep up with some of my old classmates' and coworkers' lives over the years, but on the other hand, it's pretty stupid, too. I don't actually talk to them, and it's unlikely that I may ever see many of them again. So why do I know what they ate for dinner tonight, and more importantly, why do I feel any need to share what I had for dinner tonight with them? It's a clingy culture.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

Something similar just happened to a friend of mine. Her nephew ( a very young child) passed away and the next day someone was pairing about it before the parents said anything. My friend was really upset. I don't understand people.

missJeanLouise · April 2016

My BFF died on christmas eve. Lots of people reached out to me, idk who was spreading the word. Eventually, once arrangements had been made, I posted where the memorial service was being held and tagged him in it. Come to find out, nobody on his mom's (who had passed a couple years ago) side knew and my post was how they found out. People were being extra quiet because of the holidays but I couldn't believe no one had called his little sister.

drglitter · April 2016

The pastor was already dealt with by my friend's sister. Everyone knows he meant no harm, but I'm sure he'll check with the family prior to posting in the future.

Thanks everyone. I feel better now after a vent, a cry and a glass (or 3) of wine.

madamerwin · April 2016

drglitter said:

The pastor was already dealt with by my friend's sister. Everyone knows he meant no harm, but I'm sure he'll check with the family prior to posting in the future.

Thanks everyone. I feel better now after a vent, a cry and a glass (or 3) of wine.

That's what matters! There is nothing he can do to change what already happened, but I hope that the conversation prevents this from happening in the future, to other families.

kvruns · April 2016

missJeanLouise said:

My BFF died on christmas eve. Lots of people reached out to me, idk who was spreading the word. Eventually, once arrangements had been made, I posted where the memorial service was being held and tagged him in it. Come to find out, nobody on his mom's (who had passed a couple years ago) side knew and my post was how they found out. People were being extra quiet because of the holidays but I couldn't believe no one had called his little sister.

arrangements had been made and his sister didn't know??

missJeanLouise · April 2016

kvruns said:

missJeanLouise said:

My BFF died on christmas eve. Lots of people reached out to me, idk who was spreading the word. Eventually, once arrangements had been made, I posted where the memorial service was being held and tagged him in it. Come to find out, nobody on his mom's (who had passed a couple years ago) side knew and my post was how they found out. People were being extra quiet because of the holidays but I couldn't believe no one had called his little sister.

arrangements had been made and his sister didn't know??

Yes. His paternal grandmother made the arrangements and I don't think she would have known how to get in touch but man, I felt like such an asshole. No one on that entire side knew he had died.

InLoveInQueens · April 2016

thisismynickname said:

That's really awful. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I thought it was bad enough when people post baby announcements for babies who aren't theirs. This is definitely worse.

My old Disney roommate was pregnant and someone made a comment on her facebook saying "I didn't know you were pregnant! Why aren't we seeing any bump pictures?" or something like that. She posted literally nothing about being pregnant on facebook, why would you think it's cool to post that so publically? I'm sure she had her reasons for not broadcasting her pregnancy until after the baby was actually born, but even if she didn't, some people are so dense.

(I guessed because she made a "baby board" on Pinterest but it wasn't confirmed for me until she actually had the baby and posted about it herself)

pegasuskat · April 2016

People are idiots and having FB just helps them spread news faster. Many years ago my cousin and his step son were killed in a car accident. My dad was a police officer and went straight to his wives work to tell her in person. Another randon girl who barely knew her went and called her work, got her paged and told her before he could get there. I will never understand why people think it would ever be ok to tell things like this. Why would you even want to be the one to tell someone their loved one died, I have had to do this a few times and its awful. I would be horrified to find out I had shared something like this before the family was notified!

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