FIL's refusing to contribute to budget but making all kinds of demands

Knottie08201798 · April 2016

My fiance and I are at the end of our rope with my FIL's. We had settled on a venue for our wedding next fall that we have fallen in love with, so my fiance decided to clarify the budget with his parents. He was pretty sure they were going to contribute around 1/3 of the cost since they have been forcing their way into a lot of the decision making (more on that later) and about 75% of the guests will be from their side of the family, but he wanted to make absolutely sure before we signed anything. What ensued was a horrifying conversation with his mother that left both parties shocked- his mother was shocked that we even considered bringing up money and we were shocked that she had been so intrusive on the decision making but didn't expect to contribute anything. Now we will have to go back to our venue with our tail tucked between our legs and let them know that it won't be working out and totally reconfigure. The night ended with us both in tears and totally speechless, not knowing what to do.
By the way, I should start by saying this is not the first time that we have had to cancel a wedding plan because of my fiance's parents. We had settled on a destination wedding that my parents offered to pay most of, and my fiance's parents put their foot down and demanded we have a wedding at home. We have had to push the wedding six months back because of that canceled plan. That also then meant opening the guest list up to about 100 more people, every single one of whom was from their side of the family. They have also demanded that we have an open bar with premium booze, even though we'd like to limit the booze to just wine and beer due to our budget restrictions. They have demanded to have input on every venue we have looked at as well, and we've had to pass over venues we've liked (and that fit into our budget) due to their opinions. Finally, they also demand that we hold a rehearsal dinner that includes every single guest, so we are really expected to pay for two receptions for what is mostly their family.
My parents are very upset and frustrated because a lot of this is coming from their wallet and we will only have about 20 guests there out of about 125. I know it is "traditional" for the bride to pay for the wedding, but it seems a little ridiculous for my parents to foot the bill for 100+ people they have never met to have a nice night out. We (as in my fiance and I) are paying for whatever we can afford, which is becoming less and less the more my fiance's parents demand.
The worst part of this is that I know they can afford to help. They spent $200k plus sending my fiance to a private art school in Florida for college and bought him a car after he graduated, just as one example. My parents are having to take out of their retirement for this wedding and are refusing to let us pay for much of it because, to add even more weight to this, we have been through a lot with my FIL's in the past few years and my parents just want us to have a nice wedding and wash our hands of that stuff. We kind of thought we were out of the woods with them, as my fiance's mother sent me this really nice, lengthy email recently being excited that we were having the wedding where she wanted. We figured she'd be eager to contribute to put the past behind us.
I know I am going to get a lot of ***but it's a tradition!!!*** answers. I just don't get it though. I'm sorry. And I also understand that we don't have to have a wedding, as I have seen that answer a lot as well, but both sets of our parents won't hear of us eloping. Finally, I should note that (after the destination wedding) my parents and the two of us had fully planned a really nice wedding in my parents' backyard that would have been sweet and personal (and classy... and on budget that the four of us could manage), but of course that was squashed. So this is now the third wedding plan we have been through with them.
This is really taking a toll on my fiance's emotions (as well as mine). I know he is so torn between us and them and I feel horrible about that. I'm extremely uncomfortable with him bringing up money again with them after what happened last night, but he is determined to do that today. As much as they have butted in and insisted on things it doesn't mean we can demand money from them. At the same time, they are demanding something we can't afford, and that's mostly due to their high expectations and guest list. We are really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Does anyone have any advice? Thanks for any thoughts anyone has.

Jen4948 · April 2016

Your FI needs to put his foot down and tell them that if they won't pay, they get no say and it's long past time for them to stop being shocked by that fact.

They are not entitled to expect you or your parents to pay for family reunions for their side only.

And from this point on, plan only a wedding that you can afford on the funds available, and don't discuss the plans with them-and be prepared for them not to attend at all if they can't get over themselves.

STARMOON44 · April 2016

This is all completely ridiculous. No you don't assume anyone is paying. You are not stuck. Have the nice wedding in your parents backyard you wanted, stop listening to their demands, say no, and send them an invite.

ScottishSarah · April 2016

I feel really sorry for you both, but the only answer is to cancel everything and go back to the original plan, and host the wedding you can afford on your terms.
Don't give in to any emotional blackmail on their part. They might feel that they are owed this due to the money they spent on school for FI, or whatever, but if you don't have the money for a big wedding then that's the end of it. Stay firm, and sorry this has upset you so much.

scrunchythief · April 2016

First, make sure you and your FI are completely on the same page with what you two actually want. Does he want the huge guest list from his side? If it's what you two want, there's nothing wrong with uneven guest lists. But if he doesn't want all of those people there, I wouldn't invite them.

While your FMIL is technically right that you're not supposed to bring up money, I understand why you thought they'd be helping, considering all of those demands. Now that you know that's not the case, stop listening to them. Have FI handle those conversations if they keep making more "demands", but you don't have to do what they want. Your FILs are basically trying to demand money from all of you, since they're trying to make you pay for things you don't want.

Stop talking wedding plans with your FILs. If they're not paying or hosting, then it isn't their concern. I think a backyard wedding, with the guests you and your FI (and your parents if they're helping pay) want sounds wonderful.

And please don't accept money from your parents' retirement! It's not worth it for one day.

Knottie08201798 · April 2016

Thank you for your answer @Jen4948. That is exactly what I needed to hear.

@ScottishSarah, yes my fiance is very devoted to them due to the college money and other things, which is why he is clueing them into the plans. I have tried to curb this, and it has caused a lot of issues.

@scrunchythief, I agree about the retirement. I have tried to talk them out of that and they are trying to convince me they are setting money aside. I don't want a big "Pinterest" wedding or anything that will break the bank. I just want to marry my soulmate. That's why this is so hard for me. I am just going with the flow and I feel like what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life is something I now dread.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

Knottie08201798 said:

My fiance and I are at the end of our rope with my FIL's. We had settled on a venue for our wedding next fall that we have fallen in love with, so my fiance decided to clarify the budget with his parents. He was pretty sure they were going to contribute around 1/3 of the cost since they have been forcing their way into a lot of the decision making (more on that later) and about 75% of the guests will be from their side of the family, but he wanted to make absolutely sure before we signed anything. What ensued was a horrifying conversation with his mother that left both parties shocked- his mother was shocked that we even considered bringing up money and we were shocked that she had been so intrusive on the decision making but didn't expect to contribute anything. Now we will have to go back to our venue with our tail tucked between our legs and let them know that it won't be working out and totally reconfigure. The night ended with us both in tears and totally speechless, not knowing what to do.
By the way, I should start by saying this is not the first time that we have had to cancel a wedding plan because of my fiance's parents. We had settled on a destination wedding that my parents offered to pay most of, and my fiance's parents put their foot down and demanded we have a wedding at home. We have had to push the wedding six months back because of that canceled plan. That also then meant opening the guest list up to about 100 more people, every single one of whom was from their side of the family. They have also demanded that we have an open bar with premium booze, even though we'd like to limit the booze to just wine and beer due to our budget restrictions. They have demanded to have input on every venue we have looked at as well, and we've had to pass over venues we've liked (and that fit into our budget) due to their opinions. Finally, they also demand that we hold a rehearsal dinner that includes every single guest, so we are really expected to pay for two receptions for what is mostly their family.
My parents are very upset and frustrated because a lot of this is coming from their wallet and we will only have about 20 guests there out of about 125. I know it is "traditional" for the bride to pay for the wedding, but it seems a little ridiculous for my parents to foot the bill for 100+ people they have never met to have a nice night out. We (as in my fiance and I) are paying for whatever we can afford, which is becoming less and less the more my fiance's parents demand.
The worst part of this is that I know they can afford to help. They spent $200k plus sending my fiance to a private art school in Florida for college and bought him a car after he graduated, just as one example. My parents are having to take out of their retirement for this wedding and are refusing to let us pay for much of it because, to add even more weight to this, we have been through a lot with my FIL's in the past few years and my parents just want us to have a nice wedding and wash our hands of that stuff. We kind of thought we were out of the woods with them, as my fiance's mother sent me this really nice, lengthy email recently being excited that we were having the wedding where she wanted. We figured she'd be eager to contribute to put the past behind us.
I know I am going to get a lot of ***but it's a tradition!!!*** answers. I just don't get it though. I'm sorry. And I also understand that we don't have to have a wedding, as I have seen that answer a lot as well, but both sets of our parents won't hear of us eloping. Finally, I should note that (after the destination wedding) my parents and the two of us had fully planned a really nice wedding in my parents' backyard that would have been sweet and personal (and classy... and on budget that the four of us could manage), but of course that was squashed. So this is now the third wedding plan we have been through with them.
This is really taking a toll on my fiance's emotions (as well as mine). I know he is so torn between us and them and I feel horrible about that. I'm extremely uncomfortable with him bringing up money again with them after what happened last night, but he is determined to do that today. As much as they have butted in and insisted on things it doesn't mean we can demand money from them. At the same time, they are demanding something we can't afford, and that's mostly due to their high expectations and guest list. We are really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Does anyone have any advice? Thanks for any thoughts anyone has.

Knottie08201798 said:

Thank you for your answer @Jen4948. That is exactly what I needed to hear.

@ScottishSarah, yes my fiance is very devoted to them due to the college money and other things, which is why he is clueing them into the plans. I have tried to curb this, and it has caused a lot of issues.

@scrunchythief, I agree about the retirement. I have tried to talk them out of that and they are trying to convince me they are setting money aside. I don't want a big "Pinterest" wedding or anything that will break the bank. I just want to marry my soulmate. That's why this is so hard for me. I am just going with the flow and I feel like what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life is something I now dread.

Going with the flow is what has gotten you in to this mess; it's time to start saying no to your FILs and stand up for yourselves. Have a talk with your FI and determine what type of wedding the two of you want and can afford, on your own. then your FI needs to tell his parents about your plans. Do not bring up money again, it is not their responsibility to pay for your wedding, if they offered you could take them up on that but that doesn't seem to be the case.

If they continue to insist on adding guests or venues have your FI reiterate that is not the wedding you are having and change the subject. If they persist have him calmly and clearly tell them the subject is closed for discussion and if they bring it up again you will have to leave/end the conversation/hang up the phone or whatever. They can't force you to have a wedding you don't want, stop giving in to them and plan the wedding you want and can afford.

ScottishSarah · April 2016

Start all over again with a fresh plan. One that's yours and FI's.

Me and FI originally planned a destination wedding but in the end it was more important to us to have the people there that we wanted so we changed our mindset completely. We are just as excited about the new plans, and so will you guys. Even if it's wedding plan D. Promise xx

AddieCake · April 2016

Aside from a reasonable allotment of guests they'd like to include, they don't get to make demands about your wedding, and your fiancé needs to make that clear.

downtondiva · April 2016

You and your FI need to decide once and for all what kind of wedding you want to have, how you're going to pay for it on your own, and how many people you wish to invite (and can afford to host properly). Do not involve either set of parents in this process. You need to explain to them that these plans are final and will not be changed again. Tell your parents you're not accepting any money taken from their retirement, and your FI tells his parents that they are being allotted a certain number of guests and not one more beyond that, and that you are paying for this yourselves and will not listen to any of their demands.

I can't promise that your FIL's will come around and act like adults, but I can promise that you will feel better having more control over the wedding and not involving them with it in any way. If they try to interfere again, your FI will just have to keep putting his foot down as many times as needed. And if they are so pissed that they choose not to come, that's a terrible reflection on them and not a reflection on you at all. Just remember that.

And now, OP, it's margarita and cupcake time for you.

MobKaz · April 2016

Knottie08201798 said:

My fiance and I are at the end of our rope with my FIL's. We had settled on a venue for our wedding next fall that we have fallen in love with, so my fiance decided to clarify the budget with his parents. He was pretty sure they were going to contribute around 1/3 of the cost since they have been forcing their way into a lot of the decision making (more on that later) and about 75% of the guests will be from their side of the family, but he wanted to make absolutely sure before we signed anything.
Unfortunately, no one should ever assume anyone will be contributing money.
What ensued was a horrifying conversation with his mother that left both parties shocked- his mother was shocked that we even considered bringing up money and we were shocked that she had been so intrusive on the decision making but didn't expect to contribute anything. Now we will have to go back to our venue with our tail tucked between our legs and let them know that it won't be working out and totally reconfigure. The night ended with us both in tears and totally speechless, not knowing what to do.
Venues see people change their minds and budgets on a daily basis. If you have not signed any contract, a simple email thanking them for their time is all that is necessary.
By the way, I should start by saying this is not the first time that we have had to cancel a wedding plan because of my fiance's parents. We had settled on a destination wedding that my parents offered to pay most of, and my fiance's parents put their foot down and demanded we have a wedding at home. We have had to push the wedding six months back because of that canceled plan. That also then meant opening the guest list up to about 100 more people, every single one of whom was from their side of the family. They have also demanded that we have an open bar with premium booze, even though we'd like to limit the booze to just wine and beer due to our budget restrictions. They have demanded to have input on every venue we have looked at as well, and we've had to pass over venues we've liked (and that fit into our budget) due to their opinions. Finally, they also demand that we hold a rehearsal dinner that includes every single guest, so we are really expected to pay for two receptions for what is mostly their family.
I'm sorry to say that your plans are not really being cancelled because of your FI's parents. They keep changing because you and your FI did not start by planning the wedding YOU want with the budget that YOU can afford.
My parents are very upset and frustrated because a lot of this is coming from their wallet and we will only have about 20 guests there out of about 125. I know it is "traditional" for the bride to pay for the wedding, but it seems a little ridiculous for my parents to foot the bill for 100+ people they have never met to have a nice night out. We (as in my fiance and I) are paying for whatever we can afford, which is becoming less and less the more my fiance's parents demand.
That tradition is long gone. As has been mentioned many times in many threads, the couple pays for the wedding they can afford. If family members offer to contribute, then it is incumbent on the couple to find out whether any strings are attached to the contribution. If you accept the money then you need to accept the strings. More often than not, a ripple effect of additional strings will follow. Buyer beware!
The worst part of this is that I know they can afford to help. They spent $200k plus sending my fiance to a private art school in Florida for college and bought him a car after he graduated, just as one example.
They have every right to spend their money in the way they see fit. I am curious, however. When it came time to select the college and car, who made those choices? Did the parents tell FI where he would attend school and what car he would be driving?
My parents are having to take out of their retirement for this wedding (I would NOT ever consider allowing my parents to do this. NO wedding party is worth this risk.) and are refusing to let us pay for much of it because, to add even more weight to this, we have been through a lot with my FIL's in the past few years and my parents just want us to have a nice wedding and wash our hands of that stuff. We kind of thought we were out of the woods with them, as my fiance's mother sent me this really nice, lengthy email recently being excited that we were having the wedding where she wanted. We figured she'd be eager to contribute to put the past behind us.
Again, this presumption has created much of your issue.
I know I am going to get a lot of ***but it's a tradition!!!*** answers. I just don't get it though. I'm sorry. And I also understand that we don't have to have a wedding, as I have seen that answer a lot as well, but both sets of our parents won't hear of us eloping.
As I said earlier, it is up to you and your FI to plan the wedding YOU want. It is also possible that when they hear you say you want to elope, THEIR presumption is that this is a threat unless money from them is forthcoming.
Finally, I should note that (after the destination wedding) my parents and the two of us had fully planned a really nice wedding in my parents' backyard that would have been sweet and personal (and classy... and on budget that the four of us could manage), but of course that was squashed. So this is now the third wedding plan we have been through with them.
This is really taking a toll on my fiance's emotions (as well as mine). I know he is so torn between us and them and I feel horrible about that.
He should NOT be torn between you and his parents. This decision is about you and your FI as you begin a life TOGETHER. Anything and everything I have done as a parent was MY choice and gift to my children. There should not be any IOU's attached to those decisions. It is wonderful that FI's parents afforded him a college education and car, but they chose to do so. FI needs to cut his childhood strings and stop trying to pay his parents back for things they CHOSE to provide him.
I'm extremely uncomfortable with him bringing up money again with them after what happened last night, but he is determined to do that today. As much as they have butted in and insisted on things it doesn't mean we can demand money from them. At the same time, they are demanding something we can't afford, and that's mostly due to their high expectations and guest list. We are really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Does anyone have any advice? Thanks for any thoughts anyone has.

Spend your time planning the wedding you and your FI want and can afford. Stop listening to demands and threats. If you experience this much hassle and headache planning a wedding and trying to appease both sets of parents, imagine the nightmare this precedent will set if you and FI choose to start a family.

glasgowtolondon · April 2016

This is kind of ridiculous. Why are you giving them so much power? You are adults. Learn the word 'no'.

CSunshine76 · April 2016

Be an adult, make your own decisions and pay for your own wedding.

LondonLisa · April 2016

Start from scratch.

No one is paying for your wedding. Figure out YOUR budget and who YOU want there.

If you end up with cake and punch, or an intimate family private destination wedding, you'll be just as married as s big venue.

Good news: your in laws aren't contributing so they have zero say in your wedding. Let your fi manage them.

No is not a naughty word. When they demand 75% of the guests, fi should just respond "unfortunately, we can not accommodate your guests."

drunkenwitch · April 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

This is kind of ridiculous. Why are you giving them so much power? You are adults. Learn the word 'no'.

QFT girl.

You and your fiance are adults, his parents have no control except what you give them and you are giving them absolute control.

They paid for his college. That is wonderful and generous and he should show his gratitude for that. But if that gratitude means they get a say in every decision he makes for the rest of his life then that is utter bullshit. When does it end? Are you going to let them dictate where you live? How you decorate? When to have kids? How those kids will be raised? Just because they paid for his college? My dad contributed a hefty sum to my college, know how many times he's mentioned that? Exactly zero times, because he did to help me not control me.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries are your best friend.

APDSS22 · April 2016

Your FI needs to stop giving them input. They have not contributed to the wedding, which means they can only control what you allow them to. How many of those 100 guests does your FI want at his wedding? If that number is 0, then that's his side of the guest list. If they don't know what venues you are looking at, they can't "veto" something you and your FI like.

In this situation, you need to figure out what kind of wedding you and FI want. Small, classy backyard wedding? Big venue wedding with a slightly reduced guestlist and a more modestly priced venue you and FI can afford? Tiny, intimate destination wedding? Elopement?

Whatever it is, you and FI should pay for it. Taking your parents' retirement money is not only selfish, but could lead to a greater financial burden later when your parents don't have independent means to take care of themselves. If they really do have a little extra money set by for your wedding, they can give it to you as a wedding present, without the pressures to afford a certain amount for a venue, flowers, dress, etc.

Whatever you do, don't give your FILs blank invitations.

kmmssg · April 2016

The NUMBER ONE thing you need to do is sit down with your parents and tell you will not accept any money from them that comes from their retirement planning. Do you have any idea how much that will screw them later on down the road. NUMBER ONE - PUT A STOP TO THAT RIGHT NOW.

Stop allowing your FIL's to have this much power. Start from scratch and have the wedding you can afford.

You said FI is very devoted to them and clues them in on your plans - you said this has caused problems. Has he stopped? Are you both on the same page or is he still running to his parents with everything?

mntravelingmama · April 2016

Plan the wedding YOU want and can afford. No discussions whatsoever with FI's parents. Let them know they can invite X number of people and that's a FINAL number. If they're not even hosting the RD, invite ONLY the wedding party, their SO's and immediate family. Enough of their childish, selfish demands.

CMGragain · April 2016

Plan a simple wedding that you can afford. You will be in control of everything. If somebody doesn't like it, too bad.

CMGragain · April 2016

The tradition of the bride's parents paying for the wedding dates from when the bride was living at home. Her wedding was held in the front parlor of the home in the afternoon. Guests were limited to the number that the parlor could hold. After the simple ceremony, cake and punch was served to the guests. The parents were the hosts.

Since the wedding industry took hold, weddings have become big Broadway style productions, and parents are no longer expected to pay for all of this.

climbingsingle · April 2016

This is all so ridiculous.

Your FI needs to tell his parents NO to all of their demands.
You tell your parents that you absolutely will not let them pay for your wedding. Are you seriously OK with them taking money out of their retirement to pay for this?!? That's insane.

You and your FI then plan a wedding that you both can afford. Maybe that means 50 people and a cocktail reception. So be it.

Problem solved.

db1984 · April 2016

Don't tell them any more about the plans other than the date/time/location.

ernursej · April 2016

I'm really sorry that you are in this mess. I 100% agree with PPs that you need to take control and plan the wedding you and FI can afford. Do not take money from anyone (including from your parents ... they are being silly for taking money out of retirement plans). No is a very scary word, but it is powerful. Get used to saying it and recognizing that it is key to stopping this mess.

SP29 · April 2016

You beat me to it @LondonLisa I was going to say, No is not a four letter word.

OP- sorry this is causing you such grief, but at the end of the day, FI's parents get NO say in the matter. His parents might not stop guilt tripping you about it, but they will soon learn if they want to stay part of your lives, then need to accept your choices as adults.

Stop talking wedding with them. Plan the wedding you want and can afford with the guest list you want. Send the FILs a wedding invitation with the date and time. If you want, FI can tell them, "Please send us a list of X names with addresses by Y date"- this gives them some input into some of the guests they would like to see invited, but on your terms.

I think the biggest point here, is that FI needs to stand up to his parents. It concerns me you say he feels indebted to them and feels like he is between you and his parents. I get that they paid for his education, but as another poster said, this doesn't entitle them to make decisions for him for the rest of his life. Whatever money or items they gave him, they chose to give as their own free will- think of them as gifts. Likewise, moving forward, YOU are now your FI's family and partner in life- he needs to put you before his parents and present a united front.

P.S. No one here is going to tell you the bride's family must pay for the wedding- in fact you will be told the opposite. It is no ones responsibility besides the bride and the groom to pay for the wedding.

lnixon8 · April 2016

OP I hope you and your FI are on the same page about finances before you get married. It seems like you were raised in families with polar opposite views on money (lets take out $ from our retirement for a party vs. acting like it's ridiculous for a parent to spend on a car and an education but not a wedding.) And the fact that your fiance was just "pretty sure" his parents would pay 1/3 of it with no actual budget! How does that make any sense?

thisismynickname2 · April 2016

If I were you, eloping sounds really good right now.

I just think that you won't even be able to have a small wedding without hard feelings about who made the cut and who didn't, and what's good enough/not good enough. Go to the courthouse and have a fabulous honeymoon at the place you originally wanted your DW.

madamerwin · April 2016

PPs have it covered, but I just want to reiterate: DO NOT accept money from your parents if they are taking it from their retirement. Even if they "insist" as I believe you said, they cannot force you to take it. Accepting their money for a party to the detriment of their future stability is incredibly irresponsible on everyone's part. Start over, plan the wedding YOU and FI can afford. Stop talking to FILs about it.

KnickerGold · April 2016

Plan the wedding YOU want and YOU can afford.
If his parents ask just say 'We're not planning anything at this time'. Send them an invite, or don't. It's your wedding, not theirs.

short+sassy · April 2016

If what you and your FI especially want is a smaller, more intimate wedding in your parent's backyard, than do that. Easier on the wallet. Easier on the planning.

That was exactly the type of wedding I had and I absolutely loved it. Very little stress, I had time to talk to all of my guests and just really enjoy the day.

Or if you all want to re-look at the destination wedding you were planning, than do that.

Your FI's parents can want what they want, but they don't get to spend other people's money and/or plan someone else's wedding...even if it is their son's. That's ridiculous. I mean, to an extent, listen to their preferences and (if possible) incorporate some of those wants. But not at the expense of doing something either you and your FI do not want to do or cannot comfortably afford to do.

MesmrEwe · April 2016

Pick up the book "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning"... It was written by a former (local) knottie and her Dad. You have a bigger systemic issue going on than just all things wedding that you NEED to address. Get hooked up with a good Marriage and Family counselor or your pastor for marriage prep - it'll be the best money spent because issues like this are going to come up multiple times in the future in your married life! You two HAVE to learn to exercise your autonomy as a couple - NOW.

Remember the three things you need to get married - 1) Someone to marry you, 2) a license, and 3) Someone to officiate/witness the ceremony. Now, you've agreed to have this wedding "locally", now you need to plan since you're inviting guests to host them properly. You TWO control the guest list, no one else unless they've deposited a check into your bank account or to a vendor directly. Too many knotties come on here with "my parents can't afford our wedding now even though we are below the budget they agreed to pay".. DO NOT dip into your parent's retirement savings - really! Cake & Punch at the local Lion's Club hall during a non-meal time is absolutely acceptable for hosting your guests. Set your line in the sand together with FI and set it deep. Do Not discuss any wedding details other than date/time with your FIL's as well as the final guest list, which you two are in charge of, not them. Ye who pays gets a say, it is not your job to host a family reunion on your own dime if you can't afford to do so.

FIL's refusing to contribute to budget but making all kinds of demands

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