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Failing Friendship with BM

I'm sorry if this is long, I just need some advice. 

I'm getting married in 4 months and have been having some serious doubts about a bridesmaid. We've been roommates for the past 2 years but the friendship has kind of become just that...roommates. A lot of it has been because she has been extremely emotionally abusive to me over the past year. In a nutshell, there have been several occasions in the past year in which she has blamed me as the source of her unhappiness.

There was an incident recently and I feel at my wit's end. Long story short: she called, asked if I had jumper cables. I said no, but suggested she call our landlord, as I was on the highway driving home from work. She said she would and said she would call back in 20 minutes if she needed a ride somewhere. I never received a call in 20 min, so I texted her asking if she got a hold of him. She said no but a coworker was coming to get her. I told her I was going to my dance class, but I was glad she got a ride. She responded positively.

When I get home from dance she says I'm uncaring and selfish.

I feel as if she is constantly expecting me to know what she's feeling and how she's feeling and when I don't ask or don't think about it, she tells me I'm unloving, or uncaring, or selfish, or rude. I have been trying really hard with her, but I can't take this anymore. I can have a bad day and she won't ask me how I'm feeling, but I don't turn around and tell her she's a bad person because of that. 

She's also moving overseas the day after my wedding and has told me that her main concern is getting to Europe and she'll be thinking about and prioritizing that, which she should. 

I don't know what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

Re: Failing Friendship with BM

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    I'm sorry if this is long, I just need some advice. 

    I'm getting married in 4 months and have been having some serious doubts about a bridesmaid. We've been roommates for the past 2 years but the friendship has kind of become just that...roommates. A lot of it has been because she has been extremely emotionally abusive to me over the past year. In a nutshell, there have been several occasions in the past year in which she has blamed me as the source of her unhappiness.

    There was an incident recently and I feel at my wit's end. Long story short: she called, asked if I had jumper cables. I said no, but suggested she call our landlord, as I was on the highway driving home from work. She said she would and said she would call back in 20 minutes if she needed a ride somewhere. I never received a call in 20 min, so I texted her asking if she got a hold of him. She said no but a coworker was coming to get her. I told her I was going to my dance class, but I was glad she got a ride. She responded positively.

    When I get home from dance she says I'm uncaring and selfish.

    I feel as if she is constantly expecting me to know what she's feeling and how she's feeling and when I don't ask or don't think about it, she tells me I'm unloving, or uncaring, or selfish, or rude. I have been trying really hard with her, but I can't take this anymore. I can have a bad day and she won't ask me how I'm feeling, but I don't turn around and tell her she's a bad person because of that. 

    She's also moving overseas the day after my wedding and has told me that her main concern is getting to Europe and she'll be thinking about and prioritizing that, which she should. 

    I don't know what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated. 
    What do you do about what? Make plans with her for coffee or shopping or something like friends do. Maybe tell her how you're feeling. Carry on as normal. Or let the friendship fizzle after the wedding. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    SP29OliveOilsMomSTARMOON44
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    You are well within your rights to call her out on something when she does something wrong - as I would do with any friend. Be calm, don't yell or be dramatic.

    But honestly I don't know what this has to do with your wedding. The subtext is you want to kick her out. I would not do that. I would just let the friendship fizzle naturally. But if you kick her out you up the drama and tension for months with a roommate, which I think is a terrible move.
    Yeah, I definitely feel OP is looking for "it's ok to ask her to step down." 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    holyguacamole79
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2016
    If you're looking for permission to kick her out of the wedding party, you're not going to find it here. 

    To be honest, I think the solution here is pretty simple. In the time between now and your wedding, keep things as polite and calm as possible, and (nicely) let her know when she's crossing a line in her treatment of you. Keep her in the wedding party, because if you think you've got drama now, wait until you ask her to step down! Once the wedding is over, you can let the friendship die out if you so choose. Considering she's leaving the country immediately after your wedding, this should be pretty easy.

    Needless to say, if she becomes so hostile toward you that she removes herself from the wedding party, let her go and don't fight it (and don't replace her).
    image
    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]OurWildKingdomthisismynickname2
  • I cannot believe you would want to kick out a woman that you live with and see every day. holy awkward.


    InLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Don't bring up the wedding party situation.

    But it is fair to start a conversation with her telling her that you don't appreciate her head gaming, name-calling and verbal abuse and that she has to stop accusing you and lashing out at you.

    If she chooses to drop out of your wedding party, problem solved.
    OurWildKingdomKnottie1436102627
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If you don't want to confront the roommate about why she treats you the way she does, you have two options.  Live with her and keep the peace until she moves to Europe.  That includes keeping her in the WP.  After, let the friendship fizzle.

    The second option would be to move out ASAP.  Let her know you are ending the friendship.  "Friend, while I have enjoyed the good times we have had together.  I just feel that our lives have moved in two very different directions.  I wish you nothing but the best."  Ending the friendship automatically removes her from the WP.  But I would only do this option if you move out from your shared apartment.  I also think this is a bad choice because you would be leaving someone high and dry on rent money for 4 months.

    But, I think you should stand up for yourself when someone tries to treat you like crap.  You don't have to be life's doormat for anyone else.  She may have been upset her car was broken and would need some work done, but that is no excuse to then take out her frustrations on you.

    I'm with OOM. If you want her out of your life and thus out of your WP I think you need to end the friendship and move out. 

    I had a friend in a scenario recently where she wanted to leave her roommate about 4 months before the lease term was up. She moved back in with her parents and is continuing to pay the rent at the place with her roommate for the last few months, even though roommate is living there alone. It was worth it to my friend to get out. Breaking the lease early wasn't a better financial option plus it would have left the roommate in a lurch. So it sucks but it beats living with someone you cannot continue to live with. 
    OurWildKingdomernursej
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Good advice above.

    I agree that you need to address this on a friendship level- it really has nothing to do with your wedding.

    Kicking her out of your WP is a friendship ending move, so unless you are prepared to move out right after you have the conversation, don't go there.


  • Reflections: Thanks so much for the advice everyone :smile: I can see how some might think this isn't related to my wedding, but it really is. The last thing I want is to look back on that very special day and see someone I didn't get along with prominently in pictures. I was never searching for someone to say "it's okay to remove her from the wedding," I was merely asking for advice, especially if anyone has ever been in this situation before. There is a wealth of knowledge on these boards, so why not utilize it? 

    Just a small piece of clarity: she is moving out on May 31 to go back to her hometown which is about 900 miles away, and I wouldn't see her again until the day before the wedding. 

    Update: I tried having a conversation with her last night. I didn't talk about the wedding at all, but rather how she has been making me feel. I used "I" statements and was honest. It didn't turn out the way it should have and it is extremely taxing when someone constantly reminds you or tells you that you are a bad person for this or that reason, which is what the conversation turned into. More accusations, more finger pointing at me, and more just flat out telling me that I'm a terrible person and she deserves to be treated better. By the end I was very frustrated and I finally told her that she needed to give me some space and she stormed off back to her room. 
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    OP, if you really think you will really never have a relationship with her after she moves out and you don't want to, I guess you could tell her that you no longer want her in your wedding party. It IS a dick move and I can't imagine she'd react well. Reimburse her for any money spent and call it a day. But if you think maybe, someday, you might be better friends again, don't.

    Also, how often do you parents/grandparents/older married friends (so anyone married more than a few years) look at their wedding photos? I know right now it seems like the ZOMG most important thing everrr but when you've been married 10, 20 years, you'll maybe look through them like once every few years. I don't know anyone who has pictures of their entire bridal party on display more than a few years after the wedding. There are thousands and thousands more pictures that you and your husband will take throughout your life. Pictures are not the most important thing here.

    I've been married a year and a half and looked at the wedding pictures once. I have zero printed out and zero on display (unless you count the one on my desk that my friend photoshopped a famous athlete into). I might not be the norm, but I'd be surprised if hanging a 11 X 14 pictures of your bridesmaids in your living room was the norm.

    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • Reflections: Thanks so much for the advice everyone :smile: I can see how some might think this isn't related to my wedding, but it really is. The last thing I want is to look back on that very special day and see someone I didn't get along with prominently in pictures. I was never searching for someone to say "it's okay to remove her from the wedding," I was merely asking for advice, especially if anyone has ever been in this situation before. There is a wealth of knowledge on these boards, so why not utilize it? 

    Just a small piece of clarity: she is moving out on May 31 to go back to her hometown which is about 900 miles away, and I wouldn't see her again until the day before the wedding. 

    Update: I tried having a conversation with her last night. I didn't talk about the wedding at all, but rather how she has been making me feel. I used "I" statements and was honest. It didn't turn out the way it should have and it is extremely taxing when someone constantly reminds you or tells you that you are a bad person for this or that reason, which is what the conversation turned into. More accusations, more finger pointing at me, and more just flat out telling me that I'm a terrible person and she deserves to be treated better. By the end I was very frustrated and I finally told her that she needed to give me some space and she stormed off back to her room. 
    The photo thing is not as big of a deal as you think it is. She was at one time a friend, do you plan on tossing/deleting any other normal pictures of you two? Otherwise, you do not have to have a hundred pictures of your bridal party or you with individual bridesmaids. No big deal. You don't have to chose pictures of her walking down the aisle, watching you get ready, dancing etc if you don't want to.

    As for your update it sounds like this might work it self out and she might just take herself out of the wedding. If she does come be cordial, focus on having fun with every other aspect of your wedding.There are jerks present at probably 99% of weddings, really try and not let it get you down. As for her moving May 31 that's still... 34 days living with this person. I would just try to stay away from her as much as possible.


    OliveOilsMom
  • Your wedding expectations are very unrealistic.  Your family and guests are real people.  They have flaws, just as you do.
    My own wedding pictures include my late MIL, who sat in a corner at the reception, crying, and telling everyone that her son had just made the worst mistake of his life.  My own mother was flirting outrageously with every man she spoke with.  My brother-in-law came high, after he had promised not to.
    I love looking at my wedding pictures.  I was thin, young and beautiful.  DH had hair - lots of it in 1976, including Elvis sideburns.
    Wake up and smell the coffee.  You asked your room mate to be in your wedding party.  She hasn't made any attempts on your life, so you need to get on with your wedding plans, which include her.
    If you think that your "special day" will be perfect, then you are too young to get married.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    InLoveInQueens
  • CMGragain said:
    Your wedding expectations are very unrealistic.  Your family and guests are real people.  They have flaws, just as you do.
    My own wedding pictures include my late MIL, who sat in a corner at the reception, crying, and telling everyone that her son had just made the worst mistake of his life.  My own mother was flirting outrageously with every man she spoke with.  My brother-in-law came high, after he had promised not to.
    I love looking at my wedding pictures.  I was thin, young and beautiful.  DH had hair - lots of it in 1976, including Elvis sideburns.
    Wake up and smell the coffee.  You asked your room mate to be in your wedding party.  She hasn't made any attempts on your life, so you need to get on with your wedding plans, which include her.
    If you think that your "special day" will be perfect, then you are too young to get married.
    I don't think that's necessarily true. If she's going to be out of OP's life for the 2 months before the wedding, and there's no friendship or relationship left there, I don't think any wedding plans have to include her. 

    If they were living together for the whole 4 months, that would be different, but as is, it seems ridiculous for both of them to spend a lot of money to smile and pretend to be friends if they could just as easily not speak to each other at all after she moves out.
    SP29
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree about the pictures not being that important. I've been married 33 years. I hardly ever look at my pictures (there is no one in them that I don't still like). The one we have displayed are of us with our family (amongst other family pictures).  I also agree with PPs that it is time to let this friendship die. You tried she resisted. 
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Glad to hear you tried to talk with her- even if it didn't turn out exactly as you had hoped. You made the effort, the ball in in her court.

    Ultimately though, you are left with two choices- 1)stay cordial but under the radar with her and carry on as planned. She'll either show up and do her part, then you can let the relationship fizzle, or she won't show up and she's removed herself from the wedding party- no one can say you are the bad guy here. 2) Once she moves out, you have a frank talk with her, tell her you don't appreciate how she has treated you and your friendship has run its course. Reimburse her for any costs, such as the dress. Yes, you've removed her from the WP, but you've also removed her from your life.

    Yes, it's a jerk move to kick someone out of your WP, but if one would otherwise remove this person from ones life, then I don't think one should fake it and keep someone as part of their WP out of obligation. That is the key though- are you ending your friendship with this person, or are you just pissed off and hope it'll blow over later?
    OurWildKingdomOliveOilsMomlc07
  • CMGragain said:
    Your wedding expectations are very unrealistic.  Your family and guests are real people.  They have flaws, just as you do.
    My own wedding pictures include my late MIL, who sat in a corner at the reception, crying, and telling everyone that her son had just made the worst mistake of his life.  My own mother was flirting outrageously with every man she spoke with.  My brother-in-law came high, after he had promised not to.
    I love looking at my wedding pictures.  I was thin, young and beautiful.  DH had hair - lots of it in 1976, including Elvis sideburns.
    Wake up and smell the coffee.  You asked your room mate to be in your wedding party.  She hasn't made any attempts on your life, so you need to get on with your wedding plans, which include her.
    If you think that your "special day" will be perfect, then you are too young to get married.
    I don't think that's necessarily true. If she's going to be out of OP's life for the 2 months before the wedding, and there's no friendship or relationship left there, I don't think any wedding plans have to include her. 

    If they were living together for the whole 4 months, that would be different, but as is, it seems ridiculous for both of them to spend a lot of money to smile and pretend to be friends if they could just as easily not speak to each other at all after she moves out.
    I still think she should honor her invitation to be in her bridal party.  If this relationship is really going down the toilet, the bridesmaid will drop out on her own.  It is a matter of integrity. 
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    OurWildKingdomlnixon8InLoveInQueens
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Re:  pictures .... we have a picture of our wedding party on our mantle, including my (now ex) SIL.  She and my brother split up a few months after our wedding and she cut off communications with us. 

    Your pictures are the least of your concerns.
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2016
    I'm with the advice that you shouldn't kick her out, but hopefully she'll drop out on her own. 
    Two reasons why-- 1) Your friend sounds like an ex-friend of mine. EX friend. We had good history. She's a blast to hang out with. She's also a manipulative bitch. Good riddance. If you friend is the peach that mine was (especially after you talked to her about your feelings and she continued to demean you), this is seriously no loss. 

    2) My DH had a falling out with a groomsman a mere two weeks before our wedding. Apparently part of their conversation was, GM: "Well maybe I shouldn't come to the wedding!" DH: "Maybe you shouldn't!" And that was that and they've never spoken again. 

    You should not waste time on friendships like this one sounds. You deserve better. Anyone deserves better than a "friend" that demeans them.

    ETA: She thinks you're a terrible person. Look, I was told I was a terrible person by my bitch ex-friend too but I self-reflected and don't think I am. I don't know you OP, and I'm not saying this in any mean way, but even if you are a terrible person (I hope not!) why surround yourself with someone who actually thinks that? The way I look at it, we can't click with everyone in life. I have plenty of close friends that really like me so I can't be all bad, lol. 
    ________________________________


    SP29OliveOilsMom
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