"Wear whatever makes you comfortable"

Jen4948 · March 2016

Here's a recent Miss Manners column about this:

http://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2016/3/17/bride-tries-in-vain-to-avoid

thisismynickname2 · March 2016

I feel like this is exactly why TK exists: "this is yet another case of the wrong thing being so prevalent and ingrained in people's heads that the hapless person who is trying to do the right thing is being thwarted."

OurWildKingdom · March 2016

That's pretty much what I told my three cousins who are going to be my bridesmaids: wear whatever makes you feel fabulous. I also told my brother and SIL that my nephew (junior bridesman) didn't have to wear a jacket or tie and my niece (flower girl) could wear any seasonally appropriate dress.

I did offer to go shopping with MOH (FW's BFF) because we're both plus-sized and MOH has some mobility restrictions, but whatever she picks out I will be happy with.

ETA: FW will probably go shopping with her other bridesmaid, but I trust both their judgment.

MissKittyDanger · March 2016

Urg .... if I had coloured dresses in my wedding, that would be me "just X colour that you feel comfortable"

For my wedding I was lucky that the ladies wanted to do it together so we looked at all the dresses in the price range together.
My main concerns were "do you like it? does it fit well to how feel? I think you look great!"
Ended up with all same dress, but it's not hard when it's black.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

My girls did this to me. Some are in another wedding 1 month before and the bride said to wear a black dress and nude/gold/tan shoes. They freaked out. (I was super excited because I owed all this items). When I told them the same thing just a green dress. They said no. They wanted me to give them options and they would pick the finial one. I gave in due to stress from other parts of wedding planning.

Wanderlust543 · March 2016

wdment2016 said:

My girls did this to me. Some are in another wedding 1 month before and the bride said to wear a black dress and nude/gold/tan shoes. They freaked out. (I was super excited because I owed all this items). When I told them the same thing just a green dress. They said no. They wanted me to give them options and they would pick the finial one. I gave in due to stress from other parts of wedding planning.

My girls AND my groom did this when I said pick a dark red, knee length dress and wear black shoes.

I got tired of arguing and chose designer and color, FI was worried about clashing (even though he's colorblind), and the girls said it was too hard because there were too many options. Now they're trying to get me to dictate a shoe style and accessories, I did put my foot down on that one and said wear whatever style you like!

kylexo · March 2016

wdment2016 said:

My girls did this to me. Some are in another wedding 1 month before and the bride said to wear a black dress and nude/gold/tan shoes. They freaked out. (I was super excited because I owed all this items). When I told them the same thing just a green dress. They said no. They wanted me to give them options and they would pick the finial one. I gave in due to stress from other parts of wedding planning.

My Mom and FMIL are doing this right now. I told them whatever made them feel most beautiful and they are both telling me that I have to tell them something, I finally gave in and gave them a color. FMIL was ok with that, but my Mom wants confirmation on everything. She sends me pictures of dresses constantly asking what I think. She's also trying to get me to dress my Dad and BIL. I don't wanna!

spockforprez · March 2016

My bridesmaids hadn't purchased their dresses yet (a huge plus of letting them choose whatever they want-- if your wedding is called off they aren't out $150-200 on a dress they don't like!) but several of them insisted I either had to go shopping with them to approve their choice or that they would text me pictures to make sure I approved. Bridezilla culture is toxic!

SP29 · March 2016

I also told my BMs "cocktail length, midnight blue, David's Bridal" and they both repeatedly asked if their dress choices were OK. Is this fancy enough? Too fancy? Will it match the other BM dress?

I repeated many times, "I want you pick something you actually like and may in fact wear again". It did eventually work out.

thisismynickname2 · March 2016

SP29 said:

I also told my BMs "cocktail length, midnight blue, David's Bridal" and they both repeatedly asked if their dress choices were OK. Is this fancy enough? Too fancy? Will it match the other BM dress?

I repeated many times, "I want you pick something you actually like and may in fact wear again". It did eventually work out.

Oh yeah, I was asked if everything was ok. Are these shoes ok? Which necklace? Is this dress ok?
Me: "Ooo that's pretty. You look so great in that. I agree you'll get more wear out of that dress than the other. Yeah, I bet those shoes would be more comfortable than the others. Yeah, totally add that belt. I agree that necklace matches better."
I figured out that saying "whatever you want" wasn't going to work, so I just validated all their choices!

AdventureisCalling · March 2016

I just read through this, and it made me feel so much better. I am so glad I am not the only one that feels some sort of pushback on the "wear what makes you feel beautiful" decision. We decided to have a very small party (only a MOH and a BM). I told the MOH that I really just wanted her to feel beautiful, and since I just wanted beautiful bright colors, she could pick a color she liked. She said how about a blue? I said sure... she said she loved a cobalt, which worked fantastically as a neutral with all the bright flowers.

Now we are a month out, she has not picked a dress, and my florist basically told me that it was ridiculous that she had not bought a dress and I didn't know what color she was wearing. I said - go with cobalt ribbon on the bouquet - what does it matter. She told me that she would write on the contract that I didn't care, and that I better keep that in mind when I review her afterwards... if the ribbon doesn't match, thats not her issue. She also did not like that I didn;t know what FMIL or my mom were planning to wear. Again - "Don't you think you should be involved in these things?"

Turns out, the MOH might wear black or silver. I still don't care, but the meeting with the florist really pushed the wrong buttons.

justsie · March 2016

Wow, your florist was very rude.

kvruns · March 2016

thisismynickname said:

SP29 said:

I also told my BMs "cocktail length, midnight blue, David's Bridal" and they both repeatedly asked if their dress choices were OK. Is this fancy enough? Too fancy? Will it match the other BM dress?

I repeated many times, "I want you pick something you actually like and may in fact wear again". It did eventually work out.

Oh yeah, I was asked if everything was ok. Are these shoes ok? Which necklace? Is this dress ok?
Me: "Ooo that's pretty. You look so great in that. I agree you'll get more wear out of that dress than the other. Yeah, I bet those shoes would be more comfortable than the others. Yeah, totally add that belt. I agree that necklace matches better."
I figured out that saying "whatever you want" wasn't going to work, so I just validated all their choices!

that's what I finally did too. my 2 BMs ending up getting the same dress (their choice) and it definitely wasn't something I cared for but they liked it so I said I liked it too

levioosa · March 2016

AdventureisCalling said:

I just read through this, and it made me feel so much better. I am so glad I am not the only one that feels some sort of pushback on the "wear what makes you feel beautiful" decision. We decided to have a very small party (only a MOH and a BM). I told the MOH that I really just wanted her to feel beautiful, and since I just wanted beautiful bright colors, she could pick a color she liked. She said how about a blue? I said sure... she said she loved a cobalt, which worked fantastically as a neutral with all the bright flowers.
Now we are a month out, she has not picked a dress, and my florist basically told me that it was ridiculous that she had not bought a dress and I didn't know what color she was wearing. I said - go with cobalt ribbon on the bouquet - what does it matter. She told me that she would write on the contract that I didn't care, and that I better keep that in mind when I review her afterwards... if the ribbon doesn't match, thats not her issue. She also did not like that I didn;t know what FMIL or my mom were planning to wear. Again - "Don't you think you should be involved in these things?"
Turns out, the MOH might wear black or silver. I still don't care, but the meeting with the florist really pushed the wrong buttons.

Looks like your negative review won't have anything to do with mismatched ribbons.

pinupbride6189 · March 2016

AdventureisCalling said:

I just read through this, and it made me feel so much better. I am so glad I am not the only one that feels some sort of pushback on the "wear what makes you feel beautiful" decision. We decided to have a very small party (only a MOH and a BM). I told the MOH that I really just wanted her to feel beautiful, and since I just wanted beautiful bright colors, she could pick a color she liked. She said how about a blue? I said sure... she said she loved a cobalt, which worked fantastically as a neutral with all the bright flowers.
Now we are a month out, she has not picked a dress, and my florist basically told me that it was ridiculous that she had not bought a dress and I didn't know what color she was wearing. I said - go with cobalt ribbon on the bouquet - what does it matter. She told me that she would write on the contract that I didn't care, and that I better keep that in mind when I review her afterwards... if the ribbon doesn't match, thats not her issue. She also did not like that I didn;t know what FMIL or my mom were planning to wear. Again - "Don't you think you should be involved in these things?"
Turns out, the MOH might wear black or silver. I still don't care, but the meeting with the florist really pushed the wrong buttons.

Tim Tebow on a goalpost, what an ass of a vendor! I hope you looked at her like she was nuts and told her that you don't often make a habit of dressing grown ass women.

My mom just picked her dress out a week or so ago for my wedding next month. I'd asked her if she'd picked anything once or twice before, just because I was excited to see what she'd picked! She asked what I wanted her to wear quite some time ago and I, of course, told her whatever made her feel happy and beautiful. She ended up picking a really pretty, flowy, shimmery, silver dress that I can't want to see her in! FMIL never asked, which is absolutely a-ok, and I think she's wearing a royal blue dress. I think both moms are going to look fantastic. My dad has really been the one going nuts for my approval of his outfit. He sent me pictures of everything for his apparel for the wedding and RD down to his tie clip asking if it would be ok. I think he's just really excited and emotional about the whole thing and wants to share that, though.

I told BMs to pick whatever shoes and accessories they'd like, but I have gotten several "is this ok?" texts. Of course it's ok! If you like it, I love it!

The only issue we've had thus far, which is really a non-issue, is that one of FI's grandmothers told FMIL that we "were not being helpful," when it came to what she should wear. I've met the woman once. She asked, and I told her the same thing I'd told everyone else. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. She seemed fine with it then, but I guess not.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

pinupbride6189 said:

AdventureisCalling said:

I just read through this, and it made me feel so much better. I am so glad I am not the only one that feels some sort of pushback on the "wear what makes you feel beautiful" decision. We decided to have a very small party (only a MOH and a BM). I told the MOH that I really just wanted her to feel beautiful, and since I just wanted beautiful bright colors, she could pick a color she liked. She said how about a blue? I said sure... she said she loved a cobalt, which worked fantastically as a neutral with all the bright flowers.
Now we are a month out, she has not picked a dress, and my florist basically told me that it was ridiculous that she had not bought a dress and I didn't know what color she was wearing. I said - go with cobalt ribbon on the bouquet - what does it matter. She told me that she would write on the contract that I didn't care, and that I better keep that in mind when I review her afterwards... if the ribbon doesn't match, thats not her issue. She also did not like that I didn;t know what FMIL or my mom were planning to wear. Again - "Don't you think you should be involved in these things?"
Turns out, the MOH might wear black or silver. I still don't care, but the meeting with the florist really pushed the wrong buttons.

Tim Tebow on a goalpost, what an ass of a vendor! I hope you looked at her like she was nuts and told her that you don't often make a habit of dressing grown ass women.

My mom just picked her dress out a week or so ago for my wedding next month. I'd asked her if she'd picked anything once or twice before, just because I was excited to see what she'd picked! She asked what I wanted her to wear quite some time ago and I, of course, told her whatever made her feel happy and beautiful. She ended up picking a really pretty, flowy, shimmery, silver dress that I can't want to see her in! FMIL never asked, which is absolutely a-ok, and I think she's wearing a royal blue dress. I think both moms are going to look fantastic. My dad has really been the one going nuts for my approval of his outfit. He sent me pictures of everything for his apparel for the wedding and RD down to his tie clip asking if it would be ok. I think he's just really excited and emotional about the whole thing and wants to share that, though.

I told BMs to pick whatever shoes and accessories they'd like, but I have gotten several "is this ok?" texts. Of course it's ok! If you like it, I love it!

The only issue we've had thus far, which is really a non-issue, is that one of FI's grandmothers told FMIL that we "were not being helpful," when it came to what she should wear. I've met the woman once. She asked, and I told her the same thing I'd told everyone else. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. She seemed fine with it then, but I guess not.

See, I read these posts and think to myself, "my god, why can't grown adults seem to dress themselves? Why are they asking permission on every damn thing?" Then I remember myself as a bridesmaid at weddings before I discovered TK. I asked what shoes I could wear. I asked if I should take out some of my piercings so the gifted earrings would 'pop' more. I asked my sister if I should change the color of my dress when my mom bought something similar. Seriously, society has gotten to us all.

geebee908 · March 2016

adk19 said:

See, I read these posts and think to myself, "my god, why can't grown adults seem to dress themselves? Why are they asking permission on every damn thing?" Then I remember myself as a bridesmaid at weddings before I discovered TK. I asked what shoes I could wear. I asked if I should take out some of my piercings so the gifted earrings would 'pop' more. I asked my sister if I should change the color of my dress when my mom bought something similar. Seriously, society has gotten to us all.

This is so true. I think I'd start to ask them what they'd wear to my wedding if they weren't in the BP and then say that's what I want you to wear. It's really as simple as that.

Jen4948 · March 2016

geebee908 said:

adk19 said:

See, I read these posts and think to myself, "my god, why can't grown adults seem to dress themselves? Why are they asking permission on every damn thing?" Then I remember myself as a bridesmaid at weddings before I discovered TK. I asked what shoes I could wear. I asked if I should take out some of my piercings so the gifted earrings would 'pop' more. I asked my sister if I should change the color of my dress when my mom bought something similar. Seriously, society has gotten to us all.

This is so true. I think I'd start to ask them what they'd wear to my wedding if they weren't in the BP and then say that's what I want you to wear. It's really as simple as that.

Both brides and bridesmaids contribute to this type of 'zilladom by both sides assuming that bridesmaids can't decide for themselves how to dress for a wedding.

SoldiersMom · March 2016

I had this issue too! I gave my girls four colors choices, which they quickly narrowed to two. And I thought "Yay! This will be easy". Wrong! When I said to pick any knee-length, chiffon dress in one of the colors things went off the rails. I kept hearing "I'll wear whatever you want me to wear" or "Whatever the bride picks". Well the bride already picked a dress...for herself lol! I told them it was completely up to them because only they knew what made them feel confident and comfortable. I had found a dress that did all of that for me so why shouldn't they get to do the same? I had one BM who got it. She had been in one too many "wedding uniforms" and jumped at the chance to pick a dress that suited her personality. Eventually, she got it through to the others (thankfully!).

Ghostie625 · March 2016

Yeah, FSIL (who is also a BM) was talking about wanting to cut her hair short and basically asked for my permission, in case the shorter hair couldn't be done up the way I wanted it. Obviously I told her she didn't need my permission to get a haircut and I had no preference of how they had their hair for the wedding.

Had a similar reaction with shoes when I basically said "wear something that matches the dress."

MissKittyDanger · March 2016

One of my BMs offered to colour her hair "natural" {since it was a fading colour - out of being nice}
I honestly couldn't help but laugh. Half her head was shaved and my under buzz was going to be bright red, I told her "the natural hair colour ship sailed" but said if she wanted to colour her hair again, I didn't care what. Plus I loved her hair!

short+sassy · March 2016

Ghostie625 said:

Yeah, FSIL (who is also a BM) was talking about wanting to cut her hair short and basically asked for my permission, in case the shorter hair couldn't be done up the way I wanted it. Obviously I told her she didn't need my permission to get a haircut and I had no preference of how they had their hair for the wedding.

Had a similar reaction with shoes when I basically said "wear something that matches the dress."

There was a horrifying Dear Prudence letter (written by sister of bride) recently where the LW normally wears bright blue and purple streaks in her hair. But her sister asked her to dye her hair back to its natural brown color for the wedding. She told her she wasn't going to do that because it is damaging to her hair, especially for only one day. But the bride insisted. So, LW bought a good quality, high end wig to wear for her sister's wedding.

The bride was happy all day until, toward the end of the reception, the LW took her wig off and the bride flipped out. She was furious the LW had "tricked" her into thinking she had dyed her hair. And now when she looks at her wedding pictures, she'll know her sister's hair is fake and just hiding the blue/purple hair.

Don't get me wrong, all of that would have been bad enough anyway. But the LW wasn't even in the wedding party! She was a guest.

MCmeow · April 2016

It's too early for my bridesmaids to choose anything but for them I'm just restricting color family, length and maybe fabric type (I'm a designer, texture is important to me), I hate when bridesmaids look exactly the same, everyone is different and differences in color and shape look much nicer in my opinion.
l told them I'd go to homedepot and get some color swatches and they can choose which shade they like. One of them doesn't like to wear dresses at all so I think I'll try to help her find an elegant jumpsuit (she's very fashion forward, vogue-type). I feel like I'm asking for too much with those three restrictions, I have no clue how so many brides dictate everything their bridesmaids wear from their dress to their lipstick shade!

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