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HELP! My future in laws won't participate in any wedding planning :(

Knottie1454637677Knottie1454637677 member
in Wedding 911
So I've never really liked my fiance's family very much (his sister is really competitive, always trying to one-up us, and his mom always has something negative to say), but they were so excited when we got engaged, and I thought that it would be a chance to get closer with them through planning the wedding.  Over the past couple of months, I've tried to ask his mother and sister to help with some of the planning process, like going dress shopping, picking flowers and the cake, and invitations, and they always have an excuse for why they can't help or come to any of the meetings with vendors.  I thought they would be happy to help and be a part of my wedding, but it just seems like they don't care...
I don't even really want to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid now, because she probably won't want to do anything anyway!
I really don't know what to do about this, and I just wan them to understand that they're going to be family, so they should be a part of this too!
Have you had to deal with totally unhelpful family members?  What should I do??? 
Knottie1458736889
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Re: HELP! My future in laws won't participate in any wedding planning :(

  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    And ... the problem is???  Really - don't let it get you down, remind yourself "Too many cooks spoils the broth!"...  It's probably a good thing they aren't "helping" given what you've said about their previous behavior... 

    Next, before you get too far along here and get grill marks, the only responsibility that your WP has is "showing up relatively sober in the designated attire for the wedding, and take a few pictures - do not expect them to do any more than that." ... I know - I get it - time was that the BM's helped and were supportive of the bride when it came to filling 400 little bags of candied almonds, and setting up the hall, etc. but times have changed.  BM's of today aren't worker bees, they're people too.  The only lasting thing after your wedding that people remember is how you ultimately treated people.  No one ever complained that their WP was too small.  One other option is that your FI has her as a Groomswoman - where she stands up on his side since she's his sister, it's just an option if you aren't sure that the BM idea is the right fit.

    InLoveInQueensGreenjinjo ConkellSealWedding
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2016
    Change your expectations ASAP.

    What are they supposed to "do"? Your fi should be the one helping you with wedding planning.  What you call wedding planning, others call errands. So they are perfectly fine to decline. 

    Why can't you just invite them out for a coffee or lunch to get to know them better? Don't make it wedding related.

    As for your FSIL, I don't know why you would have someone be in your bridal party who you don't like. But this veiled threat of "I'm not going to ask her because she won't do anything" is petty and school yard. Bridesmaids don't have to "do" anything except show up on time on the day in the dress.

    If you need support, buy a bra.

    Also, remember: weddings don't change people.
    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueensMesmrEweSP29
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    This is not a problem that requires a capital "HELP!" in the subject line.  In fact, this is not a problem at all.  

    I didn't help my own sister with her wedding planning.  I don't give a fuck about flowers or invitations or whatever dress she chooses to wear on her own body.  I started helping a bit about two months out because I helped her write her ceremony because I was officiating it, but other than that, NOPE.  I gave her an idea once about picture frames.  But I laughed in her face when she tried to get me involved in the venue search.  I don't care if they are family, your future in-laws don't care as much about your wedding as you do.  They just don't.  Stop worrying about it and plan your event yourself.
    SP29
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I didn't even care to attend appointments with vendors, so don't expect other people to want to go either.  It sounds like you genuinely want to get to know these people better.  So make it about something other than the wedding.  Eventually the wedding will be over and you will need something else to talk about.  So start that now.

    Also, remember that each family has a different dynamic, so what you may have in your family may not work in your FI's family.  And that's ok!  You don't have to be best friends with your ILs, you just need to be cordial to them.

    It's also a good thing to not have your FSIL be a BM. 

    Set your expectations with your ILs at 0.  If they ever decide to step up and assist with any wedding planning, let them come to you.  Then you can accept or decline their assistance.  But if your ILs were not that close to you before your engagement, don't expect that behavior to automatically change just because you are marrying their son.

    marissaskissesMesmrEweSP29lc07
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 2016
    Knottie1454637677 said:
    So I've never really liked my fiance's family very much (his sister is really competitive, always trying to one-up us, and his mom always has something negative to say), but they were so excited when we got engaged, and I thought that it would be a chance to get closer with them through planning the wedding.  Over the past couple of months, I've tried to ask his mother and sister to help with some of the planning process, like going dress shopping, picking flowers and the cake, and invitations, and they always have an excuse for why they can't help or come to any of the meetings with vendors.  I thought they would be happy to help and be a part of my wedding, but it just seems like they don't care...
    I don't even really want to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid now, because she probably won't want to do anything anyway!
    I really don't know what to do about this, and I just wan them to understand that they're going to be family, so they should be a part of this too!
    Have you had to deal with totally unhelpful family members?  What should I do??? 
    It is your wedding.  You and your FI get to plan it.  Wedding planning is hard work.  This is why some people get paid to do it.

    Take a reality check, Princess.  The world does not revolve around your wedding.  It is very possible that your FILS never really liked you very much, either.  They are probably just too polite to say so.

    You are unhappy, WHY?  You were expecting your FILS to fawn all over you, and to think that welcoming you into their family was the most wonderful thing that ever happened?  No.  You need to fit in with your future in-laws.   You need to tread carefully, and be super polite.  They will be your relatives for the rest of your married life. Don't start any fires over nothing, now!

    Stop bothering your FILS with your wedding plans.
    Treat your FILS with utmost politeness and friendship.  This will pay off in the long run.
    Do NOT badmouth your FILS to anyone.  It will get back to them and bite you in the ass.
    Grow up.  It's your wedding you are planning.  It is more important to you than to anyone else.  Take a step back and keep perspective.
    Many brides would think you are lucky not to have FILS interfering and demanding things in your wedding.
    For heaven's sake, don't put your FI in the position of choosing between you and his family.  Bad move!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    ScottishSarah
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your WP is not required to do anything other than show up, sober, in the correct attire and on time the day of the wedding.  The only people that are required to plan and pay for the wedding are you and FI.  Not everyone is into weddings.  That's okay.  You have a lot of expectations that need to be adjusted.  


    image
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    If you're not close with someone, wedding planning is not going to change that. This is not a good time or a good way to change your relationship with anyone. And honestly, while I can't speak for their other behavior toward you, I don't blame them for not wanting to go to vendor appointments or anything like that. I didn't even like doing it for my own wedding! And by the way, there's no rule that you have to include future in-laws in your wedding party; if you don't like FSIL and haven't asked her to be a bridesmaid yet, then don't ask her at all.

    Enjoy planning your wedding with FI and stop worrying whether everyone else is as excited as you are, because chances are, they're not. 
    image
    SP29
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    You're doing the right thing by trying to include them. You can't force them to be an active part. Maybe MIL thinks that as the bride, your mom is the one that should be the one you consult with for things and that her role as the MOG is to just sit back let you & your mom bond over planning & for her just show up to the wedding. On the plus side, the fewer people who get involved the fewer people putting their 2 cents in about everything you do.

    If you don't think you really want FSIL as a BM, then don't ask her. If you aren't close to her she doesn't need to be a BM. You want a BM who will be there for you on your wedding day & is supportive.

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