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Damage Control after telling a bride her idea was rude.

Sioux1986Sioux1986 member
Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi Knotties:
Your wording and advice is always so tactful, which is something I lack.

I had a text message argument with a friend who is getting married soon. She wanted me to provide some addresses of mutual friends that she was planning on inviting to only part of the wedding. I stated I was not going to help her do something against etiquette. She got angry and said I had no place telling her what was rude and what wasn't. I agreed it is her wedding and she is perfectly entitled to do what she wants, but I refuse to help her do it. Is there a way I can salvage this?

Any advice appreciated in advance.  
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Re: Damage Control after telling a bride her idea was rude.

  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Sioux1986 said:
    Hi Knotties:
    Your wording and advice is always so tactful, which is something I lack.

    I had a text message argument with a friend who is getting married soon. She wanted me to provide some addresses of mutual friends that she was planning on inviting to only part of the wedding. I stated I was not going to help her do something against etiquette. She got angry and said I had no place telling her what was rude and what wasn't. I agreed it is her wedding and she is perfectly entitled to do what she wants, but I refuse to help her do it. Is there a way I can salvage this?

    Any advice appreciated in advance.  
    I'd just ask her to consider how she'd feel being obviously ranked as a friend, and deemed not important enough to see the ceremony/be fed a meal/whatever it is, and that you wouldn't be comfortable receiving such an invite because it would feel like you'd only received a token invite so that more people could bring you gifts, and you'd hate to see her hurt your friends like that.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    This will require a phone call or an honest conversation next time you see her in person. Text message tone is often impossible to discern. Also, using the words "against etiquette" make many people bristle, so what PPs have said above about using "how would you feel / I would feel" terms would go over better. 
    Considering the friends are mutual, you could say something like, "I'm just not comfortable giving you their contact information for the express purpose of inviting them to only part of your celebration. Knowing them as I do, I just know they'd be really hurt not getting to witness your ceremony [editor's note- I'm making presumptions here!] and getting invited just to a party could make them feel like they aren't important, or like it's just a way for you to get more gifts."
    If you're feeling really straightforward, I'd even say something like, "If you're not close enough friends to have their contact information, they're not close enough to warrant an invite to a wedding."
    ________________________________


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  • Sioux1986Sioux1986 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Wow Knotties! Thank you so much. This was really helpful. 
    thisismynickname said:
    This will require a phone call or an honest conversation next time you see her in person. Text message tone is often impossible to discern. Also, using the words "against etiquette" make many people bristle, so what PPs have said above about using "how would you feel / I would feel" terms would go over better. 
    Considering the friends are mutual, you could say something like, "I'm just not comfortable giving you their contact information for the express purpose of inviting them to only part of your celebration. Knowing them as I do, I just know they'd be really hurt not getting to witness your ceremony [editor's note- I'm making presumptions here!] and getting invited just to a party could make them feel like they aren't important, or like it's just a way for you to get more gifts."
    If you're feeling really straightforward, I'd even say something like, "If you're not close enough friends to have their contact information, they're not close enough to warrant an invite to a wedding."
    I am worried that from what was said in her last exchange, that there might not be a chance to talk in person. 


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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ick. Sounds like you already apologized, but a phone call (leave a VM) saying, "I'm sorry I upset you, can we talk?" will be about all you can do then. If she's a good friend, she'll get over this. If she doesn't get over it, I daresay the friendship isn't close enough to be salvageable nor would you want to be friends with a champion grudgeholder.  
    ________________________________


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  • Sioux1986Sioux1986 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    thisismynickname said:
    Ick. Sounds like you already apologized, but a phone call (leave a VM) saying, "I'm sorry I upset you, can we talk?" will be about all you can do then. If she's a good friend, she'll get over this. If she doesn't get over it, I daresay the friendship isn't close enough to be salvageable nor would you want to be friends with a champion grudgeholder.  
    TBH our friendship has been pretty rocky lately. I guess we shall see.  
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    PP have it covered but Good Luck with your friend.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    thisismynickname said:
    If you're feeling really straightforward, I'd even say something like, "If you're not close enough friends to have their contact information, they're not close enough to warrant an invite to a wedding."
    That was my first thought.  Even if I didn't say it, I would at least be thinking it.
    �
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  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Heffalump said:
    thisismynickname said:
    If you're feeling really straightforward, I'd even say something like, "If you're not close enough friends to have their contact information, they're not close enough to warrant an invite to a wedding."
    That was my first thought.  Even if I didn't say it, I would at least be thinking it.
    Right! I only know a few of my friends addresses but it's not up to you to even gather that information if it wasn't a tiered mess.


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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Based on how she's acting, I'd probably start to distance myself from someone like that. 
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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Sounds like you did the right thing by all concerned. As long as you didn't tell her that her actions smack of classism (they do), you're golden.
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  • Sioux1986Sioux1986 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Thank you again guys. Yeah, I felt like I was taking crazy pills for a second. I knew something was extra off about this, and I will continue to stay away.

    Also, if this indicative of her hosting and her overall attitude about stuff, I think some distance will made for sure. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    So a friend asks you to help her do something that's rude, you decline because it's rude and that's basically what you tell her, so she gets butthurt and now. . .

    I dunno, but I don't really see that there's any action you need to take or anything you can do.  She just needs time to get over her butthurt.

    But you didn't actually do anything wrong- she was the one in the wrong- so there's nothing and no reason for you to be apologizing to her for.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    "Hey, girlfriend!  I'm going to rob a bank and I need your help.  Can you help me by driving the getaway car?  We are friends, right?"
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Ok wait is the bride a former teacher of these students? Or is she wanting to invite random teenagers she doesn't know watch her get married because it'll be a treat for their poor eyes?

    I'd personally be weirded out even if she was their current teacher. Teachers & students at my high school did not hang out socially. Anyway you did good, even if your delivery got her back up.
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  • Sioux1986Sioux1986 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    mollybarker11 said:
    Ok wait is the bride a former teacher of these students? Or is she wanting to invite random teenagers she doesn't know watch her get married because it'll be a treat for their poor eyes?

    I'd personally be weirded out even if she was their current teacher. Teachers & students at my high school did not hang out socially. Anyway you did good, even if your delivery got her back up.
    It is her former students, but I still think its highly inappropriate. 

    To make it even weirder, we are an inner city boys only middle school. These are middle school boys that she wants to invite to watch the ceremony only. In the balcony of the venue. Then leave when the reception starts.




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