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Invite etiquette: What would you do?

RosesAreRed13RosesAreRed13 member
25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I know you will all have some great input for this, so I'm throwing this out to the community.  I was recently invited to a cousin's wedding.  I myself am engaged, however, the invitation was only addressed to me and did not include my fiance (who I also live with).  The invitation was a very simple postcard, with no response card to indicate that he even was invited ("We have reserved 2 seats" for example).  This really bothers me because I feel he should have been included on the invitation and now puts me in the awkward position of asking them if he is invited.  Also, my 21 year old sister was not invited to this wedding.  I have no idea why, as she would not apply to the "no kids" rule or an outside circle as we are all first cousins.  I feel like I should kindly decline attending this wedding solely due to these etiquette missteps.  Am I overreacting or would you feel the same?      
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Re: Invite etiquette: What would you do?

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Answer
    This is one that I would probably decline.  You and your FI are a social unit, engaged and living together, he should have been invited.  It would also really bother me if my adult sister was not invited to a family wedding, but that's me because I adore my sister. Are you close with this cousin?
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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2016
    Eh. Personally, I would ask. what she did is really rude, but some people are really clueless or lazy when it comes to this kind of thing. I had the same thing happen to me with a close friend. She told me a few weeks after the invitation that H (who was then my boyfriend who I was living with) was obviously invited too, she just didn't write his name on the invitation. Weird, but whatever. I love a good party. Now, if for some bizarre reason your FI isn't invited, I would decline.

    As for your sister, since you are both adults, I don't think that the whole not splitting families up thing counts. Maybe they're just not that close? It's really up to you, though. If I were in your place, I would ask if FI was invited and attend only if he was.
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  • MrsMack10612MrsMack10612 member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited May 2016
    PPs have the situation with your FI covered.

    For your sister, since the invitation was just a postcard, it is possible it got lost in the mail, unless you for sure know she just wasn't invited.

     

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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    Is it certain your sis isn't invited?  Maybe since they don't appear to do things correctly they intended her on your parents or something.  I also hate the postcard thing, they are easily lost.  H is a mail man and they get inside magazines and flyers, he hates them too.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd double check that the etiquette issue is just laziness before you decline.  If your FI wasn't invited as confirmed then they'd get a no from me.  
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  • RosesAreRed13RosesAreRed13 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I am not close with this cousin and to be perfectly honest, no one in our family is either.  Which is why I was surprised I was invited and my sister wasn't.  I also forgot to mention a key factor in this whole invite thing. My other cousin is also engaged, but his invitation included both his name and his FI.   
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  • thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I would decline. My cousin did the same thing to me and my FI. Well actually she emailed me to make sure I knew he was not invited (majorly pissed me off). Before she emailed me I had mentioned to my dad that my FI wasn't included, which led to him talking to her mother, which prompted the email.

    If you were close, or someone in you family was close to her, I'd drop feelers to see if this was just an oversight. But since no one is really close to her, I'd just decline.
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  • fyrchkfyrchk member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    My cousin did the same thing. When I asked I got, "Of COURSE he's invited!"

    As far as your sister, maybe it was lost in the mail, maybe she's not invited, maybe she was included on your parents. I don't know that I would ask about other family members. We have one cousin who we are close to and so we invited. Because FI's family is HUGE we couldn't invite all of them. And to be clear, we don't really talk to them or hang out. Invited cousin then began asking if we had invited this or that cousin. FI finally had to let he know why we hadn't invited everyone. (He has 50+ cousins!) This may not be your situation but I didn't feel it was appropriate for Cousin to ask about other family members.

    Finally, it kind of sounds like maybe you don't really want to go. If that's the case, just decline. Makes it easier all around.

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  • MrsAitchMrsAitch member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Are you sure it's an invitation and not a STD?
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  • RosesAreRed13RosesAreRed13 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    MrsAitch said:
    Are you sure it's an invitation and not a STD?
    It's funny that you ask that, because it took me staring at the invitation for a few minutes to realize it was indeed an invitation.  The first clue was the wedding is in 8 weeks.  The second clue was all the information was included- exact location, cocktail hour to follow, etc. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you actually are interested in attending, call and ask if your FI is invited, that's really the only way you can know at this point. If he's not you can decide whether you would want to attend somewhere you were invited he wasn't (I wouldn't but that's me). If you're not actually all that interested in attending, just decline, you don't need a reason or explanation.

    Also, on this sister thing; I don't know, there have been times I've been invited to an event that she hasn't even though we both knew the hosts, and there have been times she's been invited and I haven't. It's not against etiquette to split up adult families and hosts can choose who to invite (or not invite).
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree with the PP in that it's possible that the postcard was lost (Half the time I don't even look before tossing post cards/ads into recycling) - I'd say go ahead and pick up the phone and don't make the awkward worse - Most people are CLUELESS about etiquette, or they booked a hall before they made the invitation list "oh it'll be around 150" only to discover "Oh crap - we wrote out the list and it's actually closer to 350" and had to decide where to cut.  Rude as it is, I typically take it as "they thought DH/I were important enough to invite even though they bungled the social unit aspect"...  I typically like to give people the benefit of the doubt even if it means I wasn't invited.  But really, call and ask - you never know!  We had one cousin of H's that all of the kids got cut off the address labels yet they were invited and assumed everyone realized as much (he asked about our RSVP and I mentioned we were still trying to find a sitter - he got the deer in the headlights as he suddenly realized why they were getting lots of declines and started calling people with kids)... 
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It is not an etiquette faux-pas for you to be invited but not your sister. Adults (with their SO of course!) are their own unit. It is recommended to invite in circles in order to decrease the potential for hurt feelings, but not required.

    Not inviting your FI is the faux-pas. If you WANT to go to the wedding, I would call your cousin and ask. "Hey Cousin, I received your lovely invitation in the mail the other day. I wanted to clarify if my fiance Ian is invited, as he was not listed on the invite". Whatever cousin says, you can respond with "OK thanks!" and then make your decision from there. If you don't want to go anyway, send your regrets and leave it be.
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    RosesAreRed13 said:
    MrsAitch said:
    Are you sure it's an invitation and not a STD?
    It's funny that you ask that, because it took me staring at the invitation for a few minutes to realize it was indeed an invitation.  The first clue was the wedding is in 8 weeks.  The second clue was all the information was included- exact location, cocktail hour to follow, etc. 
    Ack! Everyone has the etiquette covered, but this squicks me out on a privacy level. I hate the idea of a postcard that (theoretically) anyone could read having exact invitation information.
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2016
    JediElizabeth said:
    RosesAreRed13 said:
    MrsAitch said:
    Are you sure it's an invitation and not a STD?
    It's funny that you ask that, because it took me staring at the invitation for a few minutes to realize it was indeed an invitation.  The first clue was the wedding is in 8 weeks.  The second clue was all the information was included- exact location, cocktail hour to follow, etc. 
    Ack! Everyone has the etiquette covered, but this squicks me out on a privacy level. I hate the idea of a postcard that (theoretically) anyone could read having exact invitation information.
    I completely agree with you! I wouldn't like for just anyone to see where and when my wedding was. 

    Anyway, OP,  I'd say just decline the invitation. Yes, it was rude of her not to invite your FI, but I don't think this is worth the time and effort to figure out if it was an oversight or something else, since you're not close anyway.

    As for your sister not being invited, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. The splitting up families thing doesn't really apply once people are adults. At my wedding, we invited a family friend of FI's and one of her adult sons, but not the other. It wasn't considered a problem. Regardless, this one isn't your problem.
    image
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  • YogaSandyYogaSandy member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    MrsMack10612 said:
    PPs have the situation with your FI covered.

    For your sister, since the invitation was just a postcard, it is possible it got lost in the mail, unless you for sure know she just wasn't invited.
    Agreed. My grandma yelled at my mom because my aunt "wasn't invited" to my wedding. My mom told her she saw the invite addressed and stamped in the box. I mailed the invite. It never got to her (and it wasn't a postcard). The address was right. I have neat writing. Our MC never received his invite either - and he actually lived on the road behind us, so it didn't have far to go. 
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  • SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    STARMOON44 said:
    JediElizabeth said:
    RosesAreRed13 said:
    MrsAitch said:
    Are you sure it's an invitation and not a STD?
    It's funny that you ask that, because it took me staring at the invitation for a few minutes to realize it was indeed an invitation.  The first clue was the wedding is in 8 weeks.  The second clue was all the information was included- exact location, cocktail hour to follow, etc. 
    Ack! Everyone has the etiquette covered, but this squicks me out on a privacy level. I hate the idea of a postcard that (theoretically) anyone could read having exact invitation information.
    How could anyone read it? Do you mean the post office people? You seriously think they sit around reading postcards? This paranoia is so weird to me.
    And if someone did read it...so what, exactly?  Some stranger at the post office knows that you are getting married.  And that is somehow a problem?  Do you think they are going to show up and crash your wedding just because they are aware it is happening?  I assure you, if someone is inclined to crash a complete stranger's wedding they can easily do so without seeing your information on a postcard.  There are oodles of popular venues that host at minimum a wedding every Saturday night.  If you show up at one of them, there is typically a sign announcing the "XXX-YYY Wedding."  No inside info needed.  

    I always find it amusing when people freak out "but my PRIVACY!!!"  Unless you have a legit stalker or something, you're fine.  Really.
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  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ask about your FI, if you'r interested in going.  My BFF (I was her MOH) didn't actually put DH's name on the invite, cos she sent out e-mail invites (she's an eco nut and refuses to use paper invites) and isn't have his e-mail.  She said of course he was invited.  She is also clueless about etiquette issues such as names on invites.  

    Technically, she doesn't have to invite your sister if she invites you.  Invite could be lost, or she may actually not want to invite her. Let your sister deal with that.  

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