Parents not letting me see budget?

horselover2017 · May 2016

I want to be polite and let my parents pay, but they also don't want me to see what the budget is. I want to be able to know how much we have left, but they are making it complicated. My mom is kind of also taking over the wedding. I want to plan my own wedding, but they aren't letting me. Is it rude to ask to see a budget/how much we've spent?

Tyvm · May 2016

Others are going to tell you to just refuse the money if you don't like the strings that are attached to it.

But, yes, you should probably try communication first. Have you told them you want to plan the wedding [with your FI], yourselves? That it is your wedding, and you would like access to the budget? etc. etc.

If you know how much they're giving you, then you should be able to keep track of how much you're spending in your own personal spreadsheet (or Google spreadsheet). The vendors should be communicating with you & FI, so you should be able to find out what the deposits and total costs are. Don't forget tax and tip!

Others will also tell you that until you have your parents' money in hand, don't plan the wedding with that money. Basically, plan the wedding you can afford now, otherwise, see if you can get a lump of the money your parents are planning to spend upfront.

glasgowtolondon · May 2016

CooperGainor2017 said:

I want to be polite and let my parents pay, but they also don't want me to see what the budget is. I want to be able to know how much we have left, but they are making it complicated. My mom is kind of also taking over the wedding. I want to plan my own wedding, but they aren't letting me. Is it rude to ask to see a budget/how much we've spent?

You say your parents don't want you to see the budget - so you have already asked them to see it and they said no? Or are you inferring from the way they are acting? If you haven't already, just ask. If you have been given the impression they don't want you to see it then you may be proved right. Unfortunately those who pay get to dictate the terms, your parents planning your wedding seems to be theirs. If you are not comfortable with this then your only other option is to plan and pay for your own wedding. Don't go along with this out of politeness if it's really not what you want, life isn't a rehearsal.

horselover2017 · May 2016

I asked my parents awhile ago. My mom said it's not to worry about (stating unlimited?) I just want to know because I bought a planning book and want to put it in there. I just feel like my mother is taking over the wedding including what we are paying for and it's frustrating sometimes.

Tyvm · May 2016

Do you have any of this money in your accounts now? I only ask, because what if something happens (i.e., someone's laid off, a law suit, other unexpected financial surprises) and your parents can no longer pay? Are you the one signing the contracts or are they? Plenty of people end up on the TK boards SOL because their parents said they'd pay for the wedding, and then something came up. Only plan a wedding that you have the money for now.

Have you told your mother that you are keeping track of what you are spending in a planning book, and would like to keep informed? Have you communicated that you are the one planning the wedding, and if their money comes with the string that parents will plan the wedding, that you must decline their money and plan the wedding on your own, with your own money?

As @glasgowtolondon said, "Don't go along with this out of politeness if it's really not what you want, life isn't a rehearsal." You're an adult. Communicate. Act. Do.

horselover2017 · May 2016

I have some money saved up and so does my fiance. My parents are well off, but they never allow me to know how well off they are. It's annoying because they still see me as their baby girl. I want to be involved in my own wedding and not just show up, you know?

Tyvm · May 2016

Weddings are for some the first real experience they have with boundary-setting with their parents. I'm sad to say it's going to be this way for you.

If you want to be involved with your own wedding, you're going to have to demand it. Start setting some boundaries. Don't let them plan your wedding if you don't want them to. Are you the one setting up vendor meetings, or are they? Are you actually doing any planning already, or are you just sitting back and letting them take over?

bohobrideCA · May 2016

I honestly don't think you can make demands like "seeing how much is left", it isn't your money. They didn't give you a budget, they gave themselves a budget for your wedding, there's a difference. And they get to choose what they do with their money. We have a choice to take the money with strings or pay for it ourselves and ignore everyone.
I'm in a similar situation, my parents are paying for our wedding and haven't shared a budget with us so I'm just trying to do it as economically as possible, I do the leg work and let them make the decisions. FI and I will pay for what we can help with and pay to upgrade things that are important to us but at the end of the day I understand that they are paying so they get to choose. They get to bring home flea market finds and have the final call on what we eat. The only thing I demand is that we follow etiquette, luckily my step mom is educated on that so it hasn't been an issue.

Tyvm · May 2016

@bohobrideca Yeah, I guess if they are truly paying for everything, not transferring any money to the couple, and the couple isn't signing any of the documents, then you don't really need to know what the budget is. Everything has to be pre-approved by parents, so that is sort of the budget.

I would be wary of signing contracts that put *you* on the hook to pay. Let the ones with the money sign those documents. That way if parental finances change, you're not the one required to pay the remaining balance.

But the rest of my statement holds - if you want to plan your wedding...nothing is stopping you from researching and recommending vendors to your parents. But if you wish to be fully in control of planning, you're probably going to have to refuse your parents' money.

ShesSoCold · May 2016

bohobrideca said:

I honestly don't think you can make demands like "seeing how much is left", it isn't your money. They didn't give you a budget, they gave themselves a budget for your wedding, there's a difference. And they get to choose what they do with their money. We have a choice to take the money with strings or pay for it ourselves and ignore everyone.
I'm in a similar situation, my parents are paying for our wedding and haven't shared a budget with us so I'm just trying to do it as economically as possible, I do the leg work and let them make the decisions. FI and I will pay for what we can help with and pay to upgrade things that are important to us but at the end of the day I understand that they are paying so they get to choose. They get to bring home flea market finds and have the final call on what we eat. The only thing I demand is that we follow etiquette, luckily my step mom is educated on that so it hasn't been an issue.

The bolded is a really good point. You parents are hosting/paying for your wedding and in a sense, it's their party. You can try to talk to them about how you'd like to be more involved, etc. but if they're unwilling to budge, you have a pretty big decision to make if you don't want to be a guest at your own wedding.

MesmrEwe · May 2016

Set your boundaries now - what's the aspect they're taking over that you want control of? Do they want the Filet and you want the Chicken Kiev? Ye who pays gets a say - but it's also about balance and not being walked over. Plan responsibly. My parents and DH's parents primarily paid for ours and didn't give us a set budget, instead they gave me a credit card and said "Plan responsibly" and obviously I took their wishes into consideration for how their money was spent and some preferences in regard to details..

The lines of communication are what need to be re-opened. You want to know what "Level" at least when it comes to budget. For example, you want to know if you're looking for $3800 wedding cakes or the more modest $800 ones... But that discussion doesn't happen unless you open the lines of communication back up TOGETHER. It may be that they don't have a specific number but certain expectations for how your guests are to be properly hosted. Without getting the communications opened back up, it's just a recipe for disaster. Find out what their perception is, are they "taking over details" because they perceive that you're dawdling in making decisions and want it done, or is it because they're afraid of you making them look "cheap" (kid you not - my LFIL made the entire office spit coffee because they heard the words "I don't want her to make me look cheap!" referring to me - and yes, I laughed, because he was known for being "thrify" with his money, and he'd finally met his match, something no one else had ever accomplished LOL)... But until you have that communication, you're going to be banging your head against a wall...

kvruns · May 2016

You don't have to know the budget but you could ask questions that help plan. So you say, hey mom and dad I've been looking into venues and these 2 start at $10,000 but can easily reach $20,000, is that in line with your budget or should we look for something less expensive? Same with cake, flowers, photography, whatever.

As for the planning, that is something you will have to discuss. If their money comes with them planning and taking over everything then you have to decide if you're ok with that. if not, set boundaries and expectations to make it work or do it on your own.

charlotte989875 · May 2016

My parents paid for our wedding and we didn't have a set budget; there was a goal not to go over but essentially it was unlimited. They went to the venue meetings with us (and I think DJ too) and all the contracts had mine and my dads names on them. They definitely got a say in what we did (we were between two venues and Dad hated one we went with the other) but we made decisions together.

Have you you talked with your parents about how wedding planning is going to go? Not about a set budget but about how you are going to decide on things. You mention feeling like you don't have a say, is that because they are making decisions and not telling you, or because you haven't really sat down and talked about yours and their expectations for the day?

SP29 · May 2016

Who is signing the contracts?

From your post OP, it sounds like your parents are giving the money, signing the contracts and essentially planning your wedding the way they want. If so- be open and direct with them, "Mom/Dad, I appreciate your offer to pay for our wedding and this is an exciting time for me, so I'd like to have a more active role in making the decisions for the day of", or you can let them know specifically what you'd like to plan. Otherwise, if they continue to hold the budget silent and are planning everything themselves, you have a decision to make- do you let Mom and Dad take over and plan their party, or do you decline their offer to pay and take on everything yourselves?

If your parents are having you do the leg work, go to appointments and sign contracts, I'd be very wary- you are on the hook for whatever you've signed for, thus it is imperative you know the budget. You should also make sure you can cover these costs yourselves, should your parents change their mind at the end of the day.

OliveOilsMom · May 2016

Your parents actually seem to be very old school about planning this wedding. Often the MOBs planned the wedding they wanted for their daughters. Most often the B&G did not have a say in much of anything. That could be how your parents wedding was planned and that is how your mother and father think it should be done.

I think you have 3 choices: decline all money and plan your own wedding with your own funds, let your mom have at it and you just show up, or you take a stand with certain aspects of the wedding (flowers, food, music) and pay for it yourselves if your parents won't give up control of that aspect.

I think a PP had a good idea as well. And that is to provide your mom with your 3 favorite choices of vendor and then let her pick which one you use. It might allow you to have your preferred vendors and vision move forward, but also allow your mom the control that it seems she wants.

lyndausvi · May 2016

My parents mostly paid for our wedding. I wasn't given a budget, nor did I ever know how much they spent. My dad thinks if we are given a budget we will do all we can to spent up to that amount simply because it was "budgeted". Apparently they only had a basic idea of how much to spend, but were willing to go over on certain categories if needed.

We planned TOGETHER.

I let them guide me on costs of things. For example, I forwarded some invites I liked from a fairly cheap vendor. They responded they were thinking more of "y" company (was a more expensive company). (Me to myself: "cool, I liked those better, but I didn't want to spend too much"). From there we picked out what we were going to get.

Some details I just sent to my mom and said "I really like the look of paper lanterns." One of 2 things would happen (1) they said "us too" and they said they would cover the costs or (2) "that's nice, if you want it you will have to cover the costs." Which we happily did since they were picking up the big ticket items.

I had the benefit of being the last to get married. So I already knew how my parents operated. I also had the benefit of knowing my parents had very specific "demands" when it came to how the guests were hosted (which really were demands as we felt the same way - i.e cash bars would never be even considered). My parents are awesome, reasonable people who allowed our personalities to come through. For example, they are country club wedding people, we wanted a beach wedding. We had our beach wedding, but the guests were hosted as well as if it was a country club wedding.

If they don't want to give you hard numbers ask if they can guide you on where to start looking at certain items. If there are items you really want and you are not sure it's in their budget, put it in your own budget. Work together.

fwiw- They signed all the contracts on things they paid for. We signed the ones we paid for. There was no money going between us and my parents, thus no worrying that they other party hasn't given the money yet.

mollybarker11 · May 2016

Being polite does not mean letting people do whatever they want (in this case, "take over" your wedding). You can politely decline their offer to pay if what they are planning isn't what you and your fiancé want.

But first you should talk to them. Explain that you and your FI would like to have more input on the wedding plans. If your parents do not want you to be involved, you must determine which is more important to you: a wedding that's free or a wedding that's your taste. (There is no right or wrong answer, it's all up to you and your FI!)

If your parents are signing the contracts then I don't think you need to know how much they are spending or are willing to spend. If you are signing the contracts then you should have the allocated money in your bank account beforehand and absolutely need to know the budget before you can start to make any plans.

ScottishSarah · May 2016

Lots of people don't have a specific budget anyway. They just pick what they like, and what seems reasonable/value for money as they go. Then at the end of planning can say what the spend was. I would imagine this is what OPs parents are doing.

Pinksatin91016 · May 2016

ScottishSarah said:

Lots of people don't have a specific budget anyway. They just pick what they like, and what seems reasonable/value for money as they go. Then at the end of planning can say what the spend was. I would imagine this is what OPs parents are doing.

This is a good point. I consider my wedding to be a budget wedding except I don't actually have a budget. My parents are paying for food and some things like renting tables and chairs. My fiancé and I are paying for our clothes and alterations, invitations, alcohol, rings(obviously), paper/plastic eating wares, officiant, portapotties, etc. A family friend is let us use their big tent. An aunt is letting us use her home as the venue. My mom and I will probably pay for decor together which is just votives in jars we've saved and myrtle branches from my aunt's yard. It involves communication. The budget is basically "find the cheapest option and if it's terrible go up one rung on the price ladder until it's acceptable".

ScottishSarah · May 2016

Pinksatin91016 said:

ScottishSarah said:

Lots of people don't have a specific budget anyway. They just pick what they like, and what seems reasonable/value for money as they go. Then at the end of planning can say what the spend was. I would imagine this is what OPs parents are doing.

This is a good point. I consider my wedding to be a budget wedding except I don't actually have a budget. My parents are paying for food and some things like renting tables and chairs. My fiancé and I are paying for our clothes and alterations, invitations, alcohol, rings(obviously), paper/plastic eating wares, officiant, portapotties, etc. A family friend is let us use their big tent. An aunt is letting us use her home as the venue. My mom and I will probably pay for decor together which is just votives in jars we've saved and myrtle branches from my aunt's yard. It involves communication. The budget is basically "find the cheapest option and if it's terrible go up one rung on the price ladder until it's acceptable".

This^

I didn't have a budget per say, just a spreadsheet of estimated costs which got more accurate as we got closer to the day. Asking for a budget now may seem like asking the parents how much more there is to spend. IYKWIM?

Tyvm · May 2016

The budget is basically "find the cheapest option and if it's terrible go up one rung on the price ladder until it's acceptable".

@Pinksatin91016 Yeah, we're doing something like this too...with the known assumption that if we went standard across the board on everything, we'd spend too much. So we're saving on flowers/centerpieces and paper/invites.

OP, if you wanted an overall budget number just to fill in a box in a planning spreadsheet, it may not be necessary! Why do you need to know the overall budget? What's the reasoning?

horselover2017 · June 2016

My parents are signing the contract. I'm letting my fiance plan the honeymoon and Rehearsal dinner and buy the wedding rings. At least I know my fiance and I won't have any money issues in the future (my parents are secretive but we are not as a couple - already merged our finances)

Parents not letting me see budget?

Re: Parents not letting me see budget?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards