Wedding Party

Brothers in WP Dilemma

CaitFinsCaitFins
25 Love Its Second Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
member
edited May 2016 in Wedding Party
So, I wanted to throw my FI and I's dilemma to you guys, which I have been going over for months upon months upon months, so maybe you can give me some insight. If you don't want to read this, I completely understand.

My BM:
I have my MOH confirmed, friend of seven years who has been here for my FI and I's relationship beginning to end. To be honest, I do not have any other friends who could be bridesmaids, remotely. I tried to think of anyone, and that's how nonexistent my friendships are. However, my siblings (two sisters, two brothers) have been like my friends my entire life. I do everything with them. I certainly am inviting my sisters to be my other bridesmaids - although I am very uncertain that one will accept, to be honest. Another unnecessary story.

His GM:
We have been planning to get married for many years now, and initially and for a long time my FI said he wanted to have five or six friends, who were all close to him, as his GM. We also agreed - years ago mind you (my point being that it's been a long time since then so I understand things do not stay the same) - that my brothers would be GM. He still has as many close friends, but suspiciously shortly after I told him I would just be having my MOH and two sisters - 3 - he decided he wanted his GM to be only three friends. Yes, he said he felt very comfortable and satisfied and everything with them being the only friends he included. Separately, he also often reiterated how he likes equal WP members, while I think the entire concept is ridiculous.

The main dilemma:
I would like my two brothers to be in the wedding party. At my sister's wedding where they were ushers, they both went on and on behind her back, with a joking tone but you know when someone still means it, that being ushers was just a terrible idea and they were lower and why couldn't they be GM... etc., etc. My older brother and his wife very nearly had my FI and I be a GM and BM, only retracting it when they decided not to have any, just a month ago. My FI was an usher. I love my brothers so much, as much as my sisters. I thought the solution was to make my brothers "bridesman." They could have roles similar to the GM, but they would be on my side. This was a completely new idea to my officiant. He was not reluctant per sae to do so, and he did not object, but he did want to work out other solutions, mentioning ushers, them being GM, etc.

The conflundering addition to the dilemma:
Secondary, my FI also has two brothers. His brother who has been married had both of them as his only GM. I like his brothers quite well, and I care about them greatly. I consider them family. However, my FI has a strained relationship with one, and he did not originally care at all to have them as GM, which I understand. When I mentioned directly to the officiant that the reason I was conflicted about making my brothers GM, even though my FI was alright with it once I mentioned it, was because his brothers were not GM, and I don't feel right making my brothers GM and his own brothers not be. That just seems wrong to me now, since some factors have changed over the years - like his brother at all wanting him to be a GM. I never would have thought they had that sort of relationship. However, my FI then said he was alright with them being GM.

ETA: Even if I went with all my FI's back-tracking, we would have seven GM and two or three BM.

.... Any thoughts, suggestions on a solution?




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Re: Brothers in WP Dilemma

  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    member
    Why couldn't your brothers be bridesmen? Keep your sisters and friend as your BMs, and FI can pick his groomsmen.
    Knottie1452098987InLoveInQueensJediElizabethernursej
  • CaitFins said:
    So, I wanted to throw my FI and I's dilemma to you guys, which I have been going over for months upon months upon months, so maybe you can give me some insight. If you don't want to read this, I completely understand.

    My BM:
    I have my MOH confirmed, friend of seven years who has been here for my FI and I's relationship beginning to end. To be honest, I do not have any other friends who could be bridesmaids, remotely. I tried to think of anyone, and that's how nonexistent my friendships are. However, my siblings (two sisters, two brothers) have been like my friends my entire life. I do everything with them. I certainly am inviting my sisters to be my other bridesmaids - although I am very uncertain that one will accept, to be honest. Another unnecessary story.

    His GM:
    We have been planning to get married for many years now, and initially and for a long time my FI said he wanted to have five or six friends, who were all close to him, as his GM. We also agreed - years ago mind you (my point being that it's been a long time since then so I understand things do not stay the same) - that my brothers would be GM. He still has as many close friends, but suspiciously shortly after I told him I would just be having my MOH and two sisters - 3 - he decided he wanted his GM to be only three friends. Yes, he said he felt very comfortable and satisfied and everything with them being the only friends he included. Separately, he also often reiterated how he likes equal WP members, while I think the entire concept is ridiculous.

    The main dilemma:
    I would like my two brothers to be in the wedding party. At my sister's wedding where they were ushers, they both went on and on behind her back, with a joking tone but you know when someone still means it, that being ushers was just a terrible idea and they were lower and why couldn't they be GM... etc., etc. My older brother and his wife very nearly had my FI and I be a GM and BM, only retracting it when they decided not to have any, just a month ago. My FI was an usher. I love my brothers so much, as much as my sisters. I thought the solution was to make my brothers "bridesman." They could have roles similar to the GM, but they would be on my side. This was a completely new idea to my officiant. He was not reluctant per sae to do so, and he did not object, but he did want to work out other solutions, mentioning ushers, them being GM, etc.

    The conflundering addition to the dilemma:
    Secondary, my FI also has two brothers. His brother who has been married had both of them as his only GM. I like his brothers quite well, and I care about them greatly. I consider them family. However, my FI has a strained relationship with one, and he did not originally care at all to have them as GM, which I understand. When I mentioned directly to the officiant that the reason I was conflicted about making my brothers GM, even though my FI was alright with it once I mentioned it, was because his brothers were not GM, and I don't feel right making my brothers GM and his own brothers not be. That just seems wrong to me now, since some factors have changed over the years - like his brother at all wanting him to be a GM. I never would have thought they had that sort of relationship. However, my FI then said he was alright with them being GM.

    ETA: Even if I went with all my FI's back-tracking, we would have seven GM and two or three BM.

    .... Any thoughts, suggestions on a solution?
    JIC
    InLoveInQueensmadamerwin
  • Just ask your brothers to stand on your side and let him do whatever he wants. 
    eileenrobSP29
  • As everyone else said, have your brothers on your side, let your FI do whatever he wants. Even sides don't matter, having the people you care most about on your wedding day stand beside you does matter. 

    Also, why does your officiant even care?
    eileenrobSP29
  • Your officiant and your FI get zero say in who stands up beside you. Seriously, what do they think is the worst possible thing that is going to happen if you have two more people (and gasp--with penises!) than your groom?
    image
    eileenrob
  • I couldn't get through your entire post because there was so much "well so-and-so was in so-and-so's WP, but so-and-so was only an usher at so-and-so's wedding, etc. etc. etc."

    None of that stuff matters. Wedding parties aren't tit for tat. It doesn't matter what role you or FI or your siblings had in anyone else's wedding.

    You get to decide who stands on your side. Make your brothers 'bridesmen.' FI gets to decide who stands on his side. Gender is irrelevant. Even sides don't matter. Your officiant gets no say in the matter. 
    --

    lnixon8eileenrobGreenjinjo
  • HeffalumpHeffalump
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited May 2016
    Why are you even running your WP choices past your officiant? It is none of their business. Have your brothers in your WP if you want them in the wedding. Leave your FI's WP up to him.
    So much this.  You and your FI understand your relationships with people in your WP.  Your officiant doesn't.  You wouldn't run cake flavors or bridesmaid dress swatches past him; this isn't really any different.

    When this is all said and done, which is more important to you:  honoring your siblings (who you said were your closest friends), or placating an officiant who didn't have any real objections to your WP in the first place?
    madamerwinOurWildKingdomeileenrob
  • You had the right idea- your brothers should be in the wedding party, on your side. Don't let the officiant discourage you. 
    Your FI can decide what feels right with his own brothers.
    OurWildKingdomJediElizabeth
  • I agree with PPs (I have two bridesmen! FI has 3 groomsladies, including his sister - and also has one more attendant than me!)

    I'm really confused about the officiant though. Why is he a part of this conversation at all? 
    OurWildKingdomHeffalump
  • CaitFinsCaitFins
    25 Love Its Second Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited May 2016
    Thank you for all your opinions! I look forward to more input. I'm sorry for such a long post. When I stress and care about something, it's like I think every single detail makes the world of difference about an issue. (Riiight.)

    I'll respond to a few specifically, but it's still a response to everyone who brought up these issues!  :)

    JediElizabeth   
    glasgowtolondon For letting the officiant in: In our first session he asked how many BM and GM we were having when writing down data, and since they hadn't been fully decided yet I think I just spilled everything. He is the priest, and it is an Episcopalian wedding. I've only been to two of their weddings, and I wasn't sure if bridesmen were allowed by the Church. He didn't strictly say no, so, it seems that is still open. It's reassuring that at least I don't have to worry about his input so much, if that is the case.

    jacques27 Yeah, I hit myself over the head that I gave any positive reinforcement whatsoever on his party choices years ago. I was 17, so I guess I can't be too hard on myself, but ag, right? I honestly can't remember who brought up my brothers first - I know he thought of them like brothers too and had good relationships; I know he was enthusiastic about having them in the wedding at the time, but I really just had no sense. Regardless, things are different now!

    I guess it makes sense just to completely leave it to him. I hate that I feel like I've swayed his choices towards what I was feeling whether I want him to be swayed or not by expressing my own feelings. He's generally so stubborn and headstrong about everything, even with the wedding, that I had no idea that he would act this way about this. I'll stop saying anything about the groom's party one way or another, and I guess you just have to trust they'll be an adult and make whatever choice they prefer. He's not one to be a pushover, so hopefully whatever he chooses with it will be his own wishes.


    I just don't want to end up being a bridezilla, you know? I have a feeling that I'm caring so much about making the wedding everything comfortable and happy and etiquette-perfect for our family and friends whom I care about and not making it remotely about me that it's actually backfiring somewhat in that bridezilla manner, in being anxious in general - to the point of craziness in small ways sometimes - and not as carefree with my FI. I've spent way too long planning, and hearing terrible stories about how all the guests hate everything. :D  I love that you all are helping me stay sane.


    ETA: Oh - particularly if anyone thinks I'm wrong and they should be ushers or something else instead, I'd like to know still. I just feel like I'm being weird or maybe even selfish for not really wanting to settle for them being ushers or some other role or no role like everyone else I know of does.




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  • TyvmTyvm
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    member
    YOU SAID [one of the many] DIRTY WORD: "ushers".

    Ushers do not exist. You apparently do not assign duties to your loved ones. It's not an honor, it's work.

    Make your brothers bridesmen if you want them up there with you.


    k thnx bye

    SP29
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    member
    edited May 2016
    @CaitFins, I was an Episcopalian for several years (received into the church in 2010); unless your officiant and/or his parish are super-conservative, you'll be just fine having bridesmen. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    PPs are spot on.  Have whoever you want on your side (brothers included), tell FI he can have whoever he wants on his side (and even sides don't matter), and tell your officiant to shove it, because who is in the WP/each side has no bearing on the union.  


    image
    SP29
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited May 2016
    Even if it was within the bounds of etiquette to have ushers (it is not), you already know your brothers will be insulted and gripe behind your back, though they will do it anyway because they love you. 

    That alone is enough to nix the idea. 

    You know your crowd. Trust those instincts. 
    OurWildKingdom
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    The other, more logistical, issue with having ushers is your guests may ignore the ushers and seat themselves or simply refuse to be seated on time, making your ushers grumble for a whole different set of reasons.

    True story. My H was an usher at SIL's wedding (January) and one whole side ignored the ushers.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    Have your brothers as bridesmen.

    Priest or not, your officiant is out of line suggesting that he would frown on you for honoring your relationship with your brothers. But really, there's 0 reason for him to know who is in your wedding party until the rehearsal. 
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